Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 29/?
Author: [livejournal.com profile] chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to [livejournal.com profile] kitty_poker1 for still agreeing to be my official L2BL beta, even after so much time has passed.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my revamped website: Forget It.



Learn to be Lonely


Grrr, I woke up all kinds of cranky today. Stupid bulldozers next door. I swear, as light a sleeper as I am, you'd think I never did live in the city. A little rage left over from work last night I think. It was another spectacularily crappy night. I guess Ev0l Coworker is also Sick Coworker, and whatever it is is pretty serious. She's on all kind of medication and Captain himself made a rare stop by the unit (he's been there once since I started) to check on her. At that point I pretty much threw in the towel - no way to fight something like that. So we've pretty much been passing the shifts in silence. It's not good, because the kids can tell when there's friction and they'll take advantage of that, so I spend all eight hours on red alert. I did find out she hasn't just been shitty with me either, she totally screwed Cari over. Cari took the last weekend in May off because she has baby dr. appointments and she's supposed to find out the sex. So she discussed it with Ev0l Coworker, who said she wouldn't need those days off so go ahead and request it. Cari's request got denied because right after she submitted it, Ev0l Coworker put in a request for the same days afterall - so she can go to a race. Like Cari put it: "Yeah, because that's way more important than finding out the sex of my child." I gave up my weekend and picked up the days so at least she won't have to work with a part timer on those days.

Today is my quit smoking day! And I've already smoked twice! /fail. They warned me - they said throw away and flush whatever cigarettes you have left and I thought "Self, I should be fine, just put them up." First thing I went for this morning. Logic says that I should just chuck the rest right now, but I'm askeered. I think I will, though. I've had enough. I'm tired of them. Also, the drug they put me on for quitting smoking induces VIVID DREAMS, as warned on the box. And let me tell you, you don't know vivid dreams until you dream your cat is floating and doing the side stroke through the apartment and then wake up freaking out because said cat is laying on your face.

Also, for those interested, I should be posting to L2bL later.
You know I'm moving on from who I used to be when I go out on a Friday night after work with some friends and only have two beers - one of them was bought for me - and am able to drive myself home. Safely. You know that's true when Sallie Mae calls and I tell them the check is in the mail - and mean it. When I wake up and brew only two cups of coffee and make oatmeal for breakfast. When I'm asked out by an aquantince and tell him, politely, no thank you - I'm not really interested in dating right now. When I'm able to laugh at myself again. I guess even without a known direction, there is still foreward momentum.

I had a pretty good heart-to-heart with Abbey last night. She's somewhat a fairweather friend, the longtime girlfriend of Matt, a frat brother of Justin's who I've gotten to be pretty good friends with. Anyway, she asked how things were going with everything last night and was genuinely interested. She's usually sweet, but she said something really nice about how I shouldn't worry so much. So what if it didn't work out with Tom? Her and Matt both said they've never though of me as "Brad & ...." but always "just Brad." (in a not-"Just Jack" kind of way, thank you very much) And that I'm someone people just gravitate to, and that I make people comfortable to talk to and am inviting. They were just really encouraging. And they're not such good friends that they would just say what I want to hear - they were being pretty honest. It's nice to know what people think of me, when they know me from arm's length.

Anyway, the point is I came home from the bar and went right to bed. And when I woke up this morning, I felt better than I have in a long time about everything. I think I'm putting things together, getting my life straightened out. And that's something I should be proud of. So I will be.
synapticjava: (piggy)
( Apr. 17th, 2009 12:24 pm)
So the doctor's went, um, okay. He didn't do a real physical because after talking about my general lifestyle, he wants me to quit smoking and get some rest before he does a full physical. He gave me some sleeping stuff but said not to take it unless I really need it. He gave me some tips to regulating and "normalizing" my sleep schedule to make sure I'm getting what I need at night. Mostly that I need to tailor it around my schedule instead of the rest of the world's. I work 2nd shift so going to bed at midnight just isn't viable. That'd be like most people going to bed at 6 or 7.

He also put me on Chantix. I'm actually pretty excited about it. My official quit-smoking day is next wednesday. The medication comes with a support group called "GetQuit" and they call and email and have you check in and stuff, have you do little activities to find your triggers and stuff (not unlike meth). It's a 12-week program including the meds, and the support is for a full year. They've actually got me excited about this, which is a good thing. It's also got a really high success rate. I can't wait to be a non-smoker. I think my whole life will start feeling better once I finally get this stuff out of my system.

Also, I like the doctor because he's mean. He doesn't sugarcoat anything. One of the first questions he asked is "so what are we going to do about your weight?" Because, I wanted to cry when I got on the scale. Since me and Tom got together a year and a half ago, I've gained 40 pounds. That's not an exageration. Some of that might be muscle mass, but it's still rediculous. Absolutely not. So it's back to the gym starting tonight. I've gone through the house and pitched all the junk food. I'm starting a new routine. Oatmeal and fruit in the morning and ONE cup of coffee (I have to cut out caffiene too /whine), an energy bar or something crunchy at work, and a normal dinner.

He scheduled my physical for two days before my birthday. He said by then if I follow orders my levels and everything should be stable and have a better chance at checking everything. Which makes sense. OTH I'm going to be a raving loon for the next few weeks. I'm quitting smoking, cutting caffiene, and no more junk food. I don't think this is going to be pretty y'all. But I'll be 25 in a few weeks; I guess it's time to act like a grown up when it comes to being healthy.
synapticjava: (politics)
( Apr. 16th, 2009 11:12 am)
I can't resist saying a few words about the perverts protesting...wait, what are they protesting again? Yes, I am talking about the ever-laughable right-wing-ish conservative-ish "teabaggers."

First, allow me to say how ecstatic I am that finally there is a movement sweeping through the country again. How proud I am that Americans are finally getting angry again, and demanding some accountability. Afterall, every great change in this nation has began from one single person standing up and saying "Hey, wait a minute!" This was true for Slavery, for women's sufferage, civil rights, and the ongoing battle for equal acceptance for LGBT rights. All of these things came about by first one, then a dozen, then a million people standing up and demanding to be heard and demanding to make their presence known. It is, in a spectacular way, one of the greatest things about living in this nation. It is in our blood, our history, and our origins as a country. Because, as Americans, when we get angry, we get loud. And it's only when we are seething and shouting that our various points reach the ears of those we elected to represent us. So with every shout, we know in a an abstract way, the anger we are announcing is directed towards not only the masses surrounding us, nor towards our representatives two thousand miles away, but towards ourselves. I believe this to be the reason we are in a place in history never before seen, with a president who won against all odds in a country that as a whole still sees anything but a white protestant male as less-than, as unequal. We finally got angry and rebelled against what we'd been taught, been shown, and been made by ourselves and our peers to bear witness to. Even in my albeit short tenure as a human being, I'm nevertheless astounded by the true resistance we have when we finally wake up and pay attention to something larger than reality TV and griping about the latest operating systems. It is in our resistance and our protest and our outrage that we, as Americans, have our greatest strength. And it has been too long since we've shown that strength to our representatives and to the world around us.

However, even in our greatness of stregnth and resistance, we are not always the brightest group. This current "movement" is only a mass-produced show of support for the very representatives that are working against the the members of our nation that fuel it, that make it run, that experience the every day life of what it means to be a true American. True Americans are people like myself - even with a college degree, twice laid off in twelve months and struggling to keep it together - and people like my parents and grandparents who struggle to stay afloat and keep their house and somehow manage to pay increasing medical bills. They are people that make minimum wage when that value was blown out of the water by rising costs of living in even the ruralist of towns. They are the people take three different uniforms with them when they leave in the morning, because one job or two jobs just won't pay the rent anymore. We make the fast food, we pump your gas, fix your cars, clean your homes, teach your children, run your prisons, build the roads you drive on and the buildings you live and work in. We are the voice of a failed economy, failing health and education system. We are the children that went to college in search of a greater life - the new vision of of the Great Migration to America. We are the current generation, the next generation, and the generation before us who have seen better times and lived through harder times.

I, like most of my peers, was outraged at the prospect of "bailing out" corporation after corporation who lined up for taxpayer dollars like depression-era bread seekers. I, too, am seething that those dollars have been wasted, it seems, on still more greed and countless benefits for those at the top who already live the benefits of having reached the top - whether by true grit or by true gift. I do understand the sentiment of "STOP REWARDING FAILURE" because I, like most of America right now, am living it day by day as the bills pour in and the cash flows out. But proclaiming an end to fail-safe rewards like AIG and Citi-Corp and countless other banking and manufacturing institutions does not qualify an end to TAXATION, nor an end to the stimulous spending we so vitally need. Without taxation, there would be no streets paved, no prisoners kept from the public, no children taught, no airports or bus stops. We all look longingly at the FICA line on our paychecks, wishing it wasn't there, and we all disdain the check we are writing out the IRS, but the educated and rational among us realize that it is a necessity to keep the country running or at least limping, as it seems to be. To protest taxation is to protest growth or even sustainability. It means that you are advocating more failing American systems, and more insiduous irresponsibility and unaccountability. And I have to ask - and wonder myself - can we afford this? Can you explain this path you are advocating to your children, when they no longer are granted public education or healthcare. Can you explain this idea to your ailing parents and grandparents when an already slow-moving system of care and treatment stops altogether? Can you explain this philosophy to yourself when your already steep losses continue to increase?

Please, be as angry as you like at those who wrongfully recieve the taxes you pay from money you have worked so hard to earn. By all means, be outraged, as I am and countless others are, by the inept irresponsibility of those who have mishandled and unsuccessfully gambled our fortunes. But don't let yourselves be fooled any longer. Stand up and be counted - but stand up for the right reasons. Educate yourselves on the facts before screaming for vengence and shouting for justice. Know your enemies before seeking them out, for they are not who you think they are. They are not who you have been led to believe they are. You have been douped again. Look only as far as the accusers to see those responsible for your anger. Look to those who have recieved gifts and donations and kickbacks from the very companies they reportedly "had to save for our own good." Understand that the chants and shouts you want heard are not your own, but are the product of those who want to distract you from their own guilty misdeeds. I urge you - look deeper than the surface, read more than the headlines, listen to more than your usual "conservative news show." Open your eyes.

I was at first amused by the fact that this "movement" itself was named teabagging. I thought, perhaps, that the orginators of this concept didn't fully understand the meaning of the term. And perhaps they do not, nor do the thousands of Americans ranting about teabagging Washington. But the more I think about it, the more I am horrified by the fact that they themselves are being teabagged by the very people supporting the idea. The representatives and congressmen and right-wing leaders who created and drafted these giant problems are now passing the blame to our current administration, not by pointing their own dirty fingers, buy by riling up the masses and directing them to do their dirty work for them. And they don't even know it. So even this massive protest is only people supporting ideas they do not understand. They are allowing themselves to be led blindly into Idiocracy yet again. So in essance, to "teabag" is be "teabagged."
Tags:
So work tonight was a little better. Busy, but better. I've pretty much decided that the evil coworker can be as evil as she likes, I'm not taking the bait. I'm watching my ass like a debutant who just had an asslift, making sure all my I's are crossed and my t's dotted...Wait that's not right is it? Nevertheless, I'm finding that embracing it has taken some of the edge off and has made my shifts with her a little more bearable. I'm waiting for a bit of a blowback from the last couple of days. I had to send a kid to lockdown for throwing cards in another resident's face, and another one for being suspended from treatment. At least tomorrow's Wednesday - a couple of our baddies have court dates, and hopefully they'll be gone when I go back in Friday.

Things on the "alone like a dog" front seem to be easing a bit too. I think I'm finally accepting it all. The anger is starting to slide away. I've still got the questions swirling around - how, why, could I have done something different? - but I know, for myself, I'll always have those questions. We had a great relationship and it was, by far, the happiest time in my life, and I'm eternally grateful that I was able to experience it with him. I'm really allowing myself that "never again" feeling lately, and it helps. Telling myself I'll never again let myself get that close to anyone, never again turn everything over to someone else. Never again give in to that feeling. I'll never again fall like I did for him. But I know myself - I love the falling too much. And no matter how many times I've been hurt - and true, this was the worst and is the worst - I always throw that out when push comes to shove. I always allow that little hope to burn. I think that's what makes me me, and without it I'd be a completely different person. I hurt, but it's better - it's getting better. And I'm better for it. But for now, never again.

Now I think I'm going to wrap myself up in bed with a nice cuppa and a cheap paperback. Doctor in the morning - i can't believe I'm nervous - and errands. I think I'll work on the next bit of L2bL too. It's nice to have something to aim towards again.
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 28/?
Author: [livejournal.com profile] chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to [livejournal.com profile] kitty_poker1 for still agreeing to be my official L2BL beta, even after so much time has passed.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my revamped website: Forget It.


Learn to be Lonely


Chapter 28 Right Here )
Getting ready for work today seems to be a bit of a chore. I was finally able to drag my ass out of bed a little while ago - mostly because Cari called to see how last night went at work. Her response was "damn, dude." Oh, Cari.

I did finally call and make an appointment to see a doctor, though, which I suppose is good news. I've not seen a real doctor since I was a junior in high school - yes, for those playing the home game that's about 9 years. And I've just had a general feeling of not-well the past few months. Always tired but not able to sleep, little to no appetite for days on end and then all of a sudden I can't stop eating. Bad headaches, cold sweats, a cough that comes and goes, and a host of other things. So, I figure, if I want to live out the summer, I should probably maybe get myself checked out. I'm a little askared I might be diabetic, just noticing the trend of energy levels and whatnot. I hope to god I'm not. While I'm there I'm going to see if he can prescribe me that no-smoking drug. I'm sick of cigarettes. This should be interesting. I hate doctors, but more importantly I hate going to the doctor. Hence the 9 year medical hiatus. *nods* However, in the spirit of adult repsonsibility, it's probably not a bad idea.

It's cold and rainy today, and I'm pretty excited about it. Everything seems to slow down on days like this.
I am aware of the complete faggyness of this statement, but.

I love Patty Lupone.

That will be all, carry on.
Thank you, [livejournal.com profile] wilde_moon, for reminding me about JATD. Now I can't get this damn song outta my head. I don't even really like this show.

So I was able to claw my way out of default status. Money. Yuck. )

So, yay. Now back to my regularily scheduled day off.

Another kick-ass reason to squee: It's now my third day off of three, and I've yet to recieve a nasty-gram from work. Hurrah!
synapticjava: (fuck off)
( Apr. 8th, 2009 10:03 pm)
Yes, it's right, kiddies. I broke America's economy. Singlehandedly. At least that's what sallie mae would have you believe.

They sent one final "Pay us or be damned forever" letter today, announcing I have until April 28th to caugh up the remaining $39Gs I owe them (look at that - it's only half of what I thought it was!) for the student loans. You know, for the little useless degree I managed to beat out of DePaul using every last ounce of self restraint I have ever posessed? Yeah, that one. Looks like I'll be giving them a call tomorrow and begin the groveling. Hopefully I won't have to throw all of my savings at them because I like having money saved up, just in case. I was actually going to use it to finally buy hearing aids. But nooooo. I'm starting to thinkg pretty sure Sallie Mae is a subsidiary of Wolfram & Heart. Those bitches are crazy. And if it weren't for the fact that I'm going a)either bite the bullet and try and buy a house next April here in Indiana, b)move back to the QCs, or c) finally move west, I'd just let it go ahead and default. But, I figure I kind of need credit for all of those things. Douche canoes. Of all the corporations to go bankrupt, they couldn't be one?

It does make me wonder, though. What if we, the real people fueling this country, got together and all just stopped paying bills, in general? No more morgages, no more utilities, no more loans. You figure 30 million people in this country are in debt like myself. And if we all just stopped, in a month the whole damn country would dry up. And then maybe the goverment would be forced to bail us out of something that's totally our fault. Because that's kind of the way it goes, isn't it? No? Okay, just checking. It's a nice thought though. At least to me.

Sooooooo uh...anyone got an extra 39 thousand laying around?
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 27/?
Author: [livejournal.com profile] chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to [livejournal.com profile] kitty_poker1 for still agreeing to be my official L2BL beta, even after so much time has passed.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my revamped website: Forget It.


Learn to be Lonely


Chapter 27 )
synapticjava: (lost my shoe)
( Apr. 7th, 2009 08:52 pm)
Just a random list of things that annoy me.

1. Asshat parents who literally tell their kids they don't want them home.
2. Co-workers that crave drama
3. Rewarding people who have 8+ kids - enough already, they're children, not collecter's items.
4. ANTM and its powerful addictive properties.
5. 20 degree weather in April.
6. Getting up early on my day off to go into work for -literally- a 20 minute traning session.
7. That my mom still talks to Tom on a regular basis
8. That my sister is a 6' wall of crazy
9. Spring break - aren't the kids stomping up and down the stairs supposed to be in school or something?
10. Cat hair. Love the cat, hate the shedding.
11. Two open jugs of milk in the fridge - one bad, and one good.
11-a. Finding out which is which the hard way.
12. Couch fever - I can't seem to move my ass from the couch. See #4.
13. Media storage - is it really so difficult to build a DVD case that holds more than 192 DVDs but less than 2,000 for under $300?
14. Wal-Mart. All of it.
15. The fact that I do not, it seems, have a maid in my employ.
16. Trend-Micro
17. Low bumbers and high curbs
18. Gas Station coffee - next time I'll just save myself the trouble and drink a cup of pee
19. Neighbors who don't scoop their pups' poop
20. Dust.
But seriously, folks.

Dealing )

Anyway, it brings me to my point. I'm writing again. Like crazy. Not just fanfiction, although words can't express how much it thrills me to be back to work on L2bL again, but original stuff to. It helps, a little. I think I'm just back in that emotional space I was when I was really productive. On the one hand - awesome, my muse has woken up. On the other - that totally sucks because I'm right where I was back then. I'm just questioning everything all over again.
The revival has arrived! I've started writing again.  For those that even remember this dainty little thing, I give to you after almost two years' hiatus: Chapter 26!

Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 26/?
Author: [livejournal.com profile] chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to [livejournal.com profile] kitty_poker1 for still agreeing to be my official L2BL beta, even after so much time has passed.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my L2bL Archive.


Learn to be Lonely


Chapter 26! )
Bout to get ready for work, but I felt the need to post.  I went home last week to visit the family, afterall.  It was a pretty good trip, all the standard drama aside.  I got to hang out with Shawna, and Matt and go out and have fun and blow off steam.  All in all it turned out to be a pretty emotional up and down, cleansing trip.  The reason I even mention it is that just three nights ago I went out with a coworker for her birthday, and I wound up meeting a bunch of new, cool people.  I had lots of fun, mostly because I let myself go and just had fun.  What I realized, or rather remembered, is that I am a fun guy.  I'm fun to hang out with and be around, and I have things to offer people.  Somehow, when I was with Tom, I let a lot of that go and forgot about myself because I was caught up in the "we" and the "us."  So that when he left, I couldn't remember how to be a Me.  So continuing in my "things happen for a reason" I'm chalking this up to yet another growing experience.  I miss him, a lot.  But maybe I do need some more time to be me.  I'm looking forward to doing things again that I either couldn't or wouldn't do before.  I'm making a list of things to do this summer.  Among them are going canoeing because I haven't done that since I was a kid, go hiking and camping, be OUTSIDE, do a hot air balloon, and go bungee jumping.  I wanna shed some more of this baggage I carry.  I just have this incredible urge lately to LIVE and experience it.  I only have this one life, and I want to make it the best I can possibly have.
synapticjava: (Default)
( Mar. 4th, 2009 08:35 pm)
Over the past few weeks I've gotten several requests to archive my fic at various websites.  This has led me to go back and read said works.  Reading them, it's like they were written by someone else.  I want to write again, but my muse has long slipped away.  So I'm asking, please, someone, anyone, set me off.  Challenges, topics, anything!  Help!
synapticjava: (Default)
( Feb. 16th, 2009 04:25 am)
Said I'd been writing.  I give you, "Don't Do It."  It's awful.  I wish I still had that talent I used to have.

Don't Do It )

Discovered Fine Frenzy this weekend.  For better or worse, this song has been on loop for two days now.

I'm doing better.  Still in some pain, still can't really sleep.  But, I think it's better this time around, easier somehow.  Maybe it's because I understand this.  Maybe it's because I'm a little older now.  At least it doesn't seem like the end of the world, that's a step in the right direction for me.  Usually I'm devastated after a break up.  Right now I'm a little sad, but it'll pass.  The sun still rises, the day still comes, and all of that.  I'm keeping up appearances for my friends, though.  I wish I didn't have to, or feel like I have to.  But it's easier than answering the questions, facing the sad eyes of people I'm realizing don't really know me as well as they used to.  It's almost funny if it weren't so sad - my mom seemed to take the news worse than I did.  She really liked him.  I was supposed to take vacation time the first week of March - his spring break - so we could visit Mom and Dad.  I haven't decided if I want to still go or not.  I should, if only to see them.  I just don't want to face them.  It's, and I know it's ridiculous, embarrassing to me.  Another bf come and gone.  I feel like I've disappointed them somehow.  Funny, huh?  Maybe I'll go to Chicago for a few days instead, look up some old friends.

At least tomorrow's a work day.  I've been cooped up in this apartment for a couple days now, it'll be nice to put my time and energy to use at something.  I've been writing a little, and it feels good.  I'd forgotten that feeling.  Anyway, I think I might be a little tired now, so I should take advantage of it while I can.
synapticjava: (spinning race)
( Feb. 9th, 2009 02:39 am)
Two six packs and a bottle of Jack Daniels later, and I'm hoping I will be able to sleep tonight.  I have to work tomorrow, so hopefully it won't be too bad.  Thank god for Ibuprofen. 

I'm dealing.  Probably not in the healthiest of ways, but in the best way I know how.  This just seems different.  Harder.  One day, I'm getting married, and the next I'm throwing everything I can that reminds me of him and us into a black hefty bag.  I think it makes it even worse this time because I'm more isolated...more "alone" now.  I really only have a few close friends, none of whom are especially available.  Anyway, the point is, this sucks.  I haven't called my mom yet.  She'll be pissed I didn't tell her right away, but it's one of those things where - how can I bother her with my life when hers just is so terrible? 

Sounds about right, though, huh?  One little issue blending into another into another?

Well, now that I've got a little buzz going I think I'm going to use it for sleep.  I'm only praying I won't have anymore nightmares.  That would be kinda nice.  Some kinda relief would be good.
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