Hyper Little Thoughts

Looks like once again, I spoke too soon.  Me and Tom are pretty much over.  The official word is that we're on a break.  But for all intents and purposes I'm done.  If after a year he can't trust me, then really what is this?  Without trust there just can't be a relationship, and it's fairly obvious that he doesn't or can't trust me.  So...  This isn't like anything else I've been through.  I just don't have words for it.
( The sordid details here. )

So, I'm pretty much done.  He obviously doesn't trust me.  Without trust, there's nothing for a relationshp to stand on.

Quickly now, let's run down the events of the last couple of weeks, shall we?

11/28 - AVIS announces non-managerial lay-offs, names effected to be announced 12/4
11/29 - I get the call from the Juvenile center offering me the full time position w/ part time wage and without benefits - which will be given to me if/when the budget allows.
11/30 - Spent weighing my options, pros and cons.  Also reminded of the manager's meeting at AVIS at 4:30 on 11/4
12/01 - Day 1 of 3 off from AVIS.  I decide to accept position at the JCS, even though it is less money.  I call and let them know.  While on the phone with them, I receive text messages from my employees at AVIS telling me they started the layoffs early, unannounced, and 6 people have been let go in one afternoon.  I also receive a phone call from my manager asking me to come in at 3pm for the managers meeting instead of 4:30 on 11/4.
12/02 - JCS calls and asks me to start orientation and training on 12/11, and I say yes.
12/04 - I go into AVIS for the "meeting" and get laid off.  Luckily I'm not stupid, so I had all my uniform and materials in the car.  I sign my paperwork, tell them thanks for a week's pay because I was going to quit anyway and walk out the door.
12/11 - After a week's impromptu vacation, I start at my new job as a youth care specialist.

So, for those playing the home game, in less than a year, I was twice laid off from a job.  The first time I went from a job I didn't like to a job I hated but paid very well, and now from a job I hated to a job I think i really like but pays...well, not all that great.  On the plus side, it is really cool, and I'm using my degree.  Also a nice piece of info - I am technically a sheriff's deputy, which is to say the least, neat.  I never really considered corrections as a possible job industry, and though today was only my first day, I have to admit, it's awesome.  I got paid tonight to do arts and crafts, play solitaire, and listen to some kids talk about their homelife.

In other news, me and Tom celebrated our one year anniversary.  It was amazing.  Over the last few weeks we've reconnected, and I'm reminded every day how much I love him.  My mom called him personally and invited him to her house for our family Christmas.  He can't go, but I thought it was an encredibly sweet gesture.  Also, my sister found out about my mom's lymphoma, and as everyone expected turned it into her problem instead of being supportive of my mom.  In doing so, she also came out of the closet as bisexual.  She is apparently involvd in some sort of three way relationship with her roomates, who are husband and wife.  As my mom put it: she's a swinger.  Is anyone really surprised?  Back to the good: Mom has started her chemo treatments again, and though the outlook is still as bleak as it was, she's entertaining a much more positive attitude towards life.  This is probably in part due the legal battles her and my dad are fighting.  With this new lawyer they hired, they're winning.  They've already agreed on a settlement for one of the dozens of lawsuits.  The big one, the suit to end all suits, is in the bag, and though it's going to be drug out over the next few years, apparently even a settlement will reach seven figures.  As my mom put it, "even if i'm dead and gone, i'll die knowing my family will be taken care of."

Ah, the flip flops of life.

So...is there some way to get time to slow the hell down?  I mean, seriously.  Thanksgiving is next week, for god's sake.  I don't know about y'all but I certainly am NOT ready for the craziness of the holiday season.  Although, in just a couple of weeks me and Tom will celebrate our first anniversary.  Which is exciting.  And crazy.  And amazing. 

I got the job at the Sheriff's department.  They've only got part time available, and there's no way I can survive on the wage they offered, but I figure if I work one or two shifts a week while still working at AVIS, I can get my foot in the door until a full-time opens up.  AVIS on the other hand...we moved to the new airport and suddenly I'm the superstar.  I'm running circles around the other managers.  Not that I'm getting the credit, mind you, because this is AVIS after all.  But it's kind of nice.  It comes with a heavy price though; I'm working more hours than can possibly be healthy, I'm stressed to my limit, and quite frankly I'm tired of being depended on to do just about everything.

Mom started chemo a few weeks ago.  It isn't going very well, and it makes her very sick.  She's trying to keep her head up though, and I'm trying to be there as much as possible.   I just wish there was more I could do.

but, we're okay. Better than, even. I feel closer to him than I have in months.

It's been kind a whirlwind last few weeks, so to recap quickly: all is good. A little lengthier: work is okay - I don't like it all that much, but I like it more than retail so I guess it's a step up. Tom came home this weekend, and the problems we've been having and struggling with the last couple of weeks dissolved. And, I have a kitten I named Mavis, because he was a stray who found me at work last week.

( Couple of pics behind the cut )

In much better spirits these days. I have found a job - yay! They're waiting to hear back on my drug test and background check, and I should start either tomorrow or Wednesday. I'll be working for Avis at the airport. Not the best career, but it's a job. And it pays more than I was making. And I'll get a company car. And they'll pay for me to go back to school, which is exactly the benefit I'm looking for right now. I'm through talking about it, I just want to be back in school. I'm looking through programs now, and I think I've decided on a Masters in Psych. Once I have that I can be a counselor and from there work on my Ph.D. So I've got the plan now, I just have to stick to it. With any luck, I'll be able to fast track everything. I'd like to have my MA finished by the time Tom finishes his BA (three years) that way we can move the hell out of Indiana. Over the last few months I've really grown to dislike it here. I'm craving culture and civilization lately. Theatres, comedy, people, museums. No longer content to hang out and drink beer listening to the latest NASCAR scores. Not sure where we're going. We've talked about Seattle a lot. Maybe back to Chicago, or maybe even the east coast. We just both really want to get out of the midwest. Of course we've got a long while to figure it out. We are planning a trip to Seattle next summer, though.

Me and Tom are still going stong. Having a few problems mostly related to the long-distance situation, which will be over in less than a month. We ran into a big problem the last time he came down but we dealt with it. A lot of it is really about God, and as always his family his at the middle of everything. I didn't think it would be so hard for a non-believer to be in a relationship with a believer. Because, though I understand his motives and actions, it's incredibly hard for me to empathize. What really surprises me though is that one of the things that I love most about him is the same thing that causes me so much frustration: his relationship with his family. I'm not close with mine, I never have been. I don't understand the drive or need to please the family to such an extent that it interferes with your relationship. I don't understand why it's so hard to say "no." Furthermore, he's terriffied of coming out to them, and that too is something I no longer remember - though I know I was every bit as frightened. We really are opposites, which is why I think we work so well together.

Anyway, I guess that's my monthly check-in.

Hello, update. Life's been crazy lately. And it was all good, believe it or not, up until friday. Me and Tom are doing really great. A couple weekends ago, he came and visited and we threw a pretty successful party. I paid off a couple of my credit cards, and my credit rating shot up, which was good news.

And then Friday I lost my job.

Officially, until the 26th I still work for OfficeMax, but after that my position no longer exists. I, and about 3,000 other employees, have been terminated. I was handling it pretty well, until it hit me today the possiblities of me finding a job making that much money are pretty slim. So now the bills are adding up in my head. I honestly am not quite sure what way to turn. Jobhunting for me is the worst thing in the world, which is why I've been with officemax for so long anyway. The market right now is crap, because my company is only one of thousands doing mass terminations.

I'm trying to stay positive. I was given a four week severance, which can get me through until the end of August if I tighten the budget and gas stays below $5. And I have a degree that has to be worth something to someone. But on the other hand, if I haven't been able to find something better for the last two years, why would now be so different?

I swear there's a curse on this journal. Either that, or there's a curse on my lovelife. Probably a little bit of both. Only this time, disaster isn't lurking around the corner. A turn of events has led to Tom deciding to move back to Michigan for the summer. The day after he told his dad he'd decided to stay here, he "coincidentally" got a job offer back home making a ton of money for a college student. So he decided to take it. We had a really great weekend after we talked it out and I feel absolutely better then I did when I first heard about it. We're going to stay together, try to do the long distance thing. It's only four months, and I remember what it's like. I'm pretty confident we'll be okay. The only thing I'm ultimately peeved about is that I made vacation plans for the two of us, along with my birthday plans. Looks like I'll be spending them both alone. So now I figure I'll fly home for a few days, see some friends, check in with the rents and the grands. I want to spend a couple days in Chicago, at least see Wicked for my birthday, finally.

Things at work are pretty tense right now. Corporate just handed down payroll cutbacks, and we're all feeling the pinch. They don't apply to me since I'm salary, but my associates are freaking out. I don't blame them: times are tough right now. And companies like the one I work for, and, indeed, everywhere, are not helping matters. Doesn't anyone realize that by cutting back, they're fueling this recession?

I've started setting myself up for a healthier lifestyle. I quit buying soda and started drinking more water, milk, and juices. I've set a quit day for smoking (again). I think I'm going to try the patch, see how it works for me. I'm also planning to join a gym once I get some of these bills paid off. I realized the other day, chasing Cass around the pond, that at 24 I shouldn't have to stop and catch my breath while playing with a three year old or walking up the stairs to my apt.

Also, a new first for me: I've taken an interest in the outdoors. I've set up a nice little oasis for myself on my balcony. I went out and bought some flowerboxes and flowers, a couple hanging plants, and some camping chairs. Spent some time today scrubbing the siding and railings, and gardening in my little boxes. I can't believe how relaxing it was working in the soil placing the plants just so. And even more relaxing now, sitting out here listening to the windchimes and sipping iced tea. It really makes a day off of work feel calming. A little later I need to work out my expense report and get started on that budget (time to get financially responsible, now that I'm starting to become financially able). But still, not an altogether bad way to spend an afternoon/evening.

Artists of the week: Lasgo & Groove Coverage

I guess I don't post as much as I used to. It's kind of odd, how when things are going great, you don't take the time to remark on it. Yet, looking through my LJ is like looking at someone else's life. I just don't feel like the same person I used to be. It was a year ago today that I first came to Indiana and began dating Frank. Hard for me to believe that it was only a year ago.

I did get the promotion. I got no where near the salary I wanted, but I got the most they could give me, which I suppose says a lot about my work. I've been at my new store 2 days now. I both love and hate it. I don't like starting over, but in a lot of ways it's good. I'm trying to keep my attitude and demeanor upbeat and positive, and not let them see my negative side. So far everyone has been really nice. It's going to take a while for me to get used to this. Not only is the warehouse I'm running four times larger than the previous one, I actually have a staff - my own department!

Things are still going really great with Tom. He's still struggling with those issues everyone does at that age - family, God, school, etc. But I'm really proud of him. He's a good guy. And, we're talking about him moving in for the summer. His summer break starts next month. So I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm exhausted. Now that I'm working 10-12 hour days instead of 8-10, I find that me sitting in front of the TV happens much more often and takes a lot more energy.

Finally took these off of my phone, thought I'd finally post a couple pics of Tommy.

( They're all from my camera phone, so it's not exceptional photography. )