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But seriously, folks.
If I'm truly honest with myself, the past couple of months have passed in a complete daze. I only just realized about two weeks ago that Tom is, in fact, not coming home. That this is for real, and that there isn't some magical commercial break and when the camera clicks back on he'll be magically here again. And that no matter how incredibly angry I am at him for what he did, I do still love him. I do still miss him. Pillows crumpled up in bed where he used to sleep are not a great replacement. Filling the apartment with the noice of TVs and stereos isn't a good substitute for hearing "I love you" whenever I turn a corner. And when I let myself think about it, seriously think about the fact that we'll never again laugh with each other or that I'll never again hear him making that Wooki call in a crowd to find me, that he won't be at home when I get there. it really tears me up. Two months later, and if I'm coming home from work and there's a light on in the apartment as I pull up, my heart still jumps into my throat thinking maybe he's changed his mind; only to realize that I left it on when I went to work.
I don't know how I thought this was going to go, what I thought it was going to be like. This is so much harder than it ever was before. It doesn't make sense - I'm older, now. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling so terrible still. And yet...here I am. Some days I'm fine and I am able to push it out and not think about it until bed time, but every night I just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering if he's thinking about me. Which is crazy because he's already moved on. Hell, he moved on before we broke up, so why should he think about it now? It's not the end of the world, but some days, I wish it were. It's just stupid. The whole thing, it's just dumb.
Anyway, it brings me to my point. I'm writing again. Like crazy. Not just fanfiction, although words can't express how much it thrills me to be back to work on L2bL again, but original stuff to. It helps, a little. I think I'm just back in that emotional space I was when I was really productive. On the one hand - awesome, my muse has woken up. On the other - that totally sucks because I'm right where I was back then. I'm just questioning everything all over again.
If I'm truly honest with myself, the past couple of months have passed in a complete daze. I only just realized about two weeks ago that Tom is, in fact, not coming home. That this is for real, and that there isn't some magical commercial break and when the camera clicks back on he'll be magically here again. And that no matter how incredibly angry I am at him for what he did, I do still love him. I do still miss him. Pillows crumpled up in bed where he used to sleep are not a great replacement. Filling the apartment with the noice of TVs and stereos isn't a good substitute for hearing "I love you" whenever I turn a corner. And when I let myself think about it, seriously think about the fact that we'll never again laugh with each other or that I'll never again hear him making that Wooki call in a crowd to find me, that he won't be at home when I get there. it really tears me up. Two months later, and if I'm coming home from work and there's a light on in the apartment as I pull up, my heart still jumps into my throat thinking maybe he's changed his mind; only to realize that I left it on when I went to work.
I don't know how I thought this was going to go, what I thought it was going to be like. This is so much harder than it ever was before. It doesn't make sense - I'm older, now. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling so terrible still. And yet...here I am. Some days I'm fine and I am able to push it out and not think about it until bed time, but every night I just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering if he's thinking about me. Which is crazy because he's already moved on. Hell, he moved on before we broke up, so why should he think about it now? It's not the end of the world, but some days, I wish it were. It's just stupid. The whole thing, it's just dumb.
Anyway, it brings me to my point. I'm writing again. Like crazy. Not just fanfiction, although words can't express how much it thrills me to be back to work on L2bL again, but original stuff to. It helps, a little. I think I'm just back in that emotional space I was when I was really productive. On the one hand - awesome, my muse has woken up. On the other - that totally sucks because I'm right where I was back then. I'm just questioning everything all over again.
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From:
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Having your heart broken is never something you can just shrug off, bay-bee. It's gonna hurt, and it's gonna take time. I'm sorry that it's kind of hitting you 'again', that's so unfair. But our minds, they are funny things.
I'm glad you're writing. It's a good thing, even if it feels like a do-over.
*hugs you hard*
You'll feel better, you'll move on from this, too, i promise.
From:
no subject
From:
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*hugs*
From:
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*smooches*