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*happy contented sigh*

Today's just...a good day. Storms have been blowing through since last night, so today it's all gray and chilly here - as well it should be! I had a good day at work - three of my district managers, including my LP DM who reviewed and flunked me last time, and a store manager from another store were by to do a pre-inventory audit. Every single one of them told me how amazing the store looks, compared to how it was the last time they were in (about 75% o fmy job is about making sure the store is up-to-date and full, etc.), and that I must have been working really hard. Deb, the LP DM, pulled me aside and said she almost did a hail mary when she saw the lock up area (I've been working on getting it organized and whatnot). So yeah - I was finally recognized for all the rediculous BS I've been having to do/deal with the last few weeks. I'm still tense - and will be till inventory next Sat - but it was such a great feeling to have so many superiors actually thank me for working so hard. And Phil wasn't there to take any of my credit away. Didn't even bother me that I was there an hour longer doing the inventory walk with them.

Felt so good, I stopped off at Best Buy on my way home. Replaced my Mean Girls (I've gotta stop loaning this movie to boyfriends - this is the fourth time I've bought this movie.). So I'm thinking I'll do a feel-good-teeny-bopper movie night, since I'm off tomorrow. Picked up some strawberry wine (mmm...) and I'm already in my pjs. Project: Feel Good and Relax is a go, people. I repeat, it is a go.

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Fefe Dobson - Don't Go

I wrote this, more for myself and about myself than for anything or anyone else. I've realized I've been wallowing. I can't let myself fall into that again. I need to move on, from everything. I need to just let go. And so, this:

( A proclamation for the masses: )

Current Music: Moulin Rouge - Complainte De La Butte

I've decided that I have to go back to school, whether I want to or not. I don't want to work crap jobs my whole life, which is the path I'm on right now. I'm once again looking through university websites trying to find the right program. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. It's such a big commitment, and I know I can't afford to do it. But honestly I can't afford not to. If I get accepted, it will have been two years between undergraduate and graduate. And, though it may not be the right thing for me, at least it's something. At least I won't be feeling like I'm wasting my life. I'm pretty scared. Extremely nervous. But I feel a little bit better. This probably means moving to yet another state, and starting all over yet again. But I can deal.

On the flip side, work is a little bit better. Mostly because for the first time in my life, I've decided to shut my mouth, keep my head down, and do what I'm told.

Also, my nephew is due any day now, so that's exciting.

And now to get my day off started with a bang. Guitar Hero's calling my name.

Current Music: Train - Drops Of Jupiter

The same. Bad day at work. Thinking about things I shouldn't be. Wanting a drink so bad I can taste it.

And so, I write.

Poem. Entitled ( I Hate. )

Current Music: Lasgo - Cry

So. Hi, bandwagon. My name's Brad. Nice to see you all again.

Someone - though I couldn't say who - just bought the 80gig iPod. *whistles innocently*

in black.

I this person has over 3,000 songs, alone, in my their iTunes library. This could take days to sync. sigh.

la la la. I guess I'll go watch Supernatural while my NEW IPOD syncs. ahem.

Yeah, it's mine. sheesh.

There really is something about waking up at sunrise, making a pot of coffee and watching the sun come up over the houses to the east. The house is cold - fall is really settling in Sheridan. The tree in the backyard is shedding already.

I'm feeling artistic this morning. I want to paint or sing or write something. Anyone have any prompts?

Yesterday I got paid, and wanted to spend a little money, do a spot of shopping like I used to do. Mostly, I'm on track, and can afford a little something here and there. I've been dreaming of a pair of jeans that actually fit. And there's a new mp3 player I want. So I spent about two hours after work yesterday going in and out of stores, browsing, fondling. I came home with a cold pepsi (my frige is still busted) and a tooth brush.

Yeah, that's right - this material boy is material no more, apparently. Seems like everything I looked at felt like it cost too much, or I talked myself out of it. I just find that so strange. I used to shop like crazy, spending money I didn't even have, on things I didn't need. Now it's like pulling teeth to get me to buy something I actually *do* need. Weird.

So anyway, today I'm going to go out and I'm not coming home until I have a pair of jeans and my mp3 player. I worked hard for this extra chunk of change on my paycheck. I deserve some new stuff.

Current Music: Cheap Trick - Surrender

Work still sucks, but one thing that isnice about having a mind-numbing job is that you can totally zone out and think about absolutely nothing while doing it. My stress level dropped about a hundred points - the boss is out for the week. Still no word from the landlord. If I don't hear back/get ahold of him by friday, I'm calling a repair man and sending the bill to him. Of course, he never got back to me about the hole in the bathroom cieling that becomes a waterfall when it rains, either. That's one way of doing it, I guess.

I came home today, played a little GH (I've gotten so much better - proud of myself, I am), read for a bit, and crashed for a couple of hours. Means I probably won't fall asleep till really late tonight, but it's worth it. It's not like my life requires me to be on a "normal" sleep schedule. It's not as if my life requires a normal anything. I don't have any rules to live by, no one else to think of but myself. All I really have to do is work and pay bills - the rest, I guess, is up to me. So I think it's back to GH, then the book, then maybe a nice long bath.

Also, it's been a gorgeous day. It was cold and gray all morning just the way I like it, and then when I got off work the sun came out *glare*. Not too bad though, it's finally like fall weather. It's nice and chilly. Makes me wanna curl up with some cider. mmm. I think I'm gonna check with some friends and maybe organize a camping/fishing trip. That sounds like SO MUCH fun to me right now.

Current Music: Regina Spektor - Samson

Somehow this is my response to

tabaqui's prompts of "green, anise, wool." I think maybe I'm a little rusty.

( A stolen moment. )

Tags:

written word:misc writing

Hate to do this - don't think i've ever done it before. But I need to cut some people off my flist - I just don't really read everyone, and there's a lot to read as it is!

BUT if I cut you and you don't want to be, just leave a comment and I'll re-add you.

It's true. Despite my hatred of reality TV...

I'm in love with the Kathy Griffin show.

She cracks m up.

It's been so long since I've actually been involved in LJ land that I feel like I don't know many of you out there anymore. And I want to! So I propose this: Everyone who wants to - if many of you even still read me - leave me a comment telling me something personal about yourself. Either something I already know or something I don't know. Something stupid or funny - anything at all. Remind me, reintroduce yourself. I want to get to know you.

Definetly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Mostly because the damn cat kept waking me up all night. If he bothers me one more time I swear I'm going to sell him to the chinese buffet across the lot. He doesn't do that to Frank anymore, just me. He gets up on bed and makes himself comfortable - and of course, because he's a cat, could care less whethr you're comfortable or not - and then if you mak the slightest move to disturb him, he'll attack your feet - claws and teeth and everything. Thank god i have thick covers. Damn cat.

This is not the best way to start my day, when I have a 10 hour shift staring me in the face. At my job which continues to get more and more unbearable. I need to get a new job ASAP so that I can finally tell them what I think of them and walk out at the worst possible moment. Hell, without the walking out part, I might just do that today. Nah probably not. Me and confrontation are unmixy things. Although I do think it's funny that when I'm in a bad mood, that doesn't seem to be the case. The first person that starts bitching at me when I get there's gonna get it. (see how I'm talking all big and tough right now? once I get there I'll be a tame little kitten. better then Salem, even. *glares at the cat sitting on my feet*)

Oh well, look on the bright side: I'll be back home and relaxing in a little over 12 hours.

*cries*

Kinda broke down and told my mom last night about Frank and I. She read an IM window my sister had open between her and I, and called to ask why I've been down. So I told her what happened. She said she was really sorry and that she really likes him. Then she started giving me relationship advice. This is not something I'm used to. My mom & talking about relationships - it's just never happened before. It was really odd and weird. A little awkward for both of us. But then she said something that kinda flipped my lid - "just trust me, I have a feeling that if you guys are friends for a while, he'll realize that he does love you and you'll get back together. just give it time. you guys rushed so fast into this you weren't watching where you were going. but now you know, so give it time for both of you to get your bearings. just trust me. i have a feeling it'll all work out." I suspect she said this to make me feel better - which doesn't really work - but I just think it's weird. Is that in the "mom's handbook?"

I guess it's good that we talk about this stuff now. It just seems kinda...odd?

At any rate, I don't have to pretend or lie anymore, which is good.

Current Music: Emerson Drive - I've Had My Moments

Hasn't been the best day. Work was the worst it's been here, and I was so frustrated and down, I stopped at Target on the way home to buy a little happy. Walking around, I found tons of stuff I liked, even a few things I wanted - Supernatural S1 for $20. But everytime I picked up something, I'd think of a bill I need to pay. I think for only the second time in my whole life, I walked out of Target emptyhanded and feeling even worse than when I went in. I decided I wanted to rent a couple movies, but needed to stop at home first because I remembered I had a 2 for 1 coupon. Is this what my life is now?

It's raining, and cool outside, and I've got the windows open. I watched Bridge to Terebithia (I bawled like baby for a good 10 minutes - they did a really good job on it), Attic Expeditions (uh...WTF?), and now I'm getting ready to watch The Fountain. Been dozing on and off all afternoon on the couch. I called my dad while I was making dinner - he had surgery a couple days ago to replace his knee, he's doing fine. That was a bad move. I still haven't been able to tell them about Frank and I - every time we call, I dodge questions or change the subject. I'm just not ready to tell them yet - they really like him and I feel totally foolish for taking him home. I feel really bad lying, but I just can't do it right now.

Today...not so good. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

Current Music: Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

Spent the day in Lafayette with Chelle and the kids. We went to CiCi's pizza (pizza buffet. mmmmm), then took Evan to this really cool park they have, and went for a walk in the mall. Got me some sun and fun with the kids. Flirted with by the cookie guy at the mall. Mistaken for the kids' father. All in all, not a bad way to spend my day off.

I decided it was time to talk to Frank about the way things have around here the last week, and pretty much let him know exactly how I felt. We had a pretty long talk - awkward at times, frustrating at others, and all together a new experience for me. It was really difficult to tell him all of the things I needed to - how I've been feeling about our relationship and feeling lik I was used, how alone I've been feeling, and how angry the whole situation has been making me. But I did it. We fought for a bit, and things got kinda nasty and harsh. But we talked it out. The roomate thing should get easier. I don't know that the friend part will - that's one of the things we talked a lot about (he says I make him uncomfortable sometimes with effeminate I can be). We're friends, but in the sense that we know eachother and don't dislike each other. But he has doubts we can ever be close friends, which gives me doubts about wanting to be close.

Either way, I have a definite answer to where I stand and I feel like I'm in a more solid place. Things are getting better, feeling better. Kinda nice to start back on the upward swing.

Current Music: Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You

Starting to get better. This morning I woke up, and he wasn't the first thing I thought of. Kind of a big step.

We did get into a fight yesterday, which was kind of nice actually. It allowed us both to vent a little frustration, I think. Then last night we kind of hung out and talked - but only because he's out of money and can't afford to go anywhere ( doesn't really make me feel any better). I'm gonna give it a couple more days before I try to actually talk to him - there's something wrong, and he's not talking to anyone. Russ says he's a completely different person at work, and I know he is for the few minutes he's here. Chelle's pissed at him for the way he's been treating me and acting around me. She says he has no right to be an ass because a)he broke up with me, b)I don't really have anyone here besides him and her, yet, to talk to and it's not fair, and c)she likes me more. Which, not to sound bitter, but it's kind of nice ;)

We're still doing a housewarming/open house, the weekend after the 4th. I do plan on vetoing inviting Troy (I think I have that right), and cornering a couple of his friends if I don't see them before this - the friends that were supposed to also be friends with me. Maybe not the best idea, but it really kind of ticks me off that they won't even speak to me.

Gonna run now, though. Me and Chelle are taking the kids to Lafayette today. I do think it's really cool that her kids love me so much.

Current Music: Vince Gill - Never Knew Lonely Till You

I'm doing okay. Not quite my once-normal chipper self, but hopefully soon. There just constantly seems to be one thing or another that comes up. Just when I get almost-used to him living in the other bedroom now, he moves something from our room into there. When I'm almost used to not seeing that in here, he moves something else. I guess it's going to take a little while before we get everything straightened out and whatnot.

The thing I'm struggling the most with is the sense of aloneness I've been feeling. Because things between Frank and I are still...settling?...there hasn't really been any contact between myself and the world outside this house. It's been so long since I've had to do it, I don't really know where to go or what to do to meet people. I feel pretty odd just going to a bar by myself (ain't that a kick in the head?), and all of the friends I've met since moving here are, well, his friends. This is the hardest part for me - the "what next?" part, because that's the part that can't be rushed.

Me and Michelle - the neighbor - are doing a day out on Wednesday, taking the kids to Lafayette. Hopefully that'll brighten my mood a little bit, and at least I'll get out of the house.

I guess I've come a pretty long way. Normally these situations used to require a lot of booze and buying pretty things. Now I can barely take a drink without feeling like an alky, and the new MP3 player I bought is going back tomorrow because I feel guilty - I have bills to pay; I shouldn't be squandering my money.

I have made a definate decision, though - I'm stepping out of the game for a year. One year - no dates, no bfs, no sex. Just me. Getting to know myself my myself.

Now I need to go try and get some sleep - I haven't really been sleeping all that well, and I work at 2am tomorrow/tonight. I really can't wait for this feeling to pass. But I know it will, so I just need to ride it out.

Current Music: Carol King - So Far Away

So. No, I didn't actually act on my anger in any way. That's why I wrote it out - helped me work through it. I did do some drinking and watched MiB, though.

Today's a little better.

I can deal.

We did talk a little last night, though, and I told him that in the respect of friendship, I hope he's happy and finds whatever or whomever he's searching for. But if and when it happens, at least for a little while, I don't really feel comfortable having anyone he sees be in the house. At least for now.

I did get an unexpected source of pleasure this morning, though, when he was late to work for the first time because he didn't have me nagging him to get up.

Extreme, violent, combustive anger. That's where I'm at right now. So angry that I really just want to punch him in the face. Angry enough that I want to take my car for a spin at 120mph down the county highway until I cream myself against a cow or blow a tire and flip.

I'm angry that now I know he talked about this to Troy.

I'm angry because I feel used and betrayed. Whether he meant to or not, or even knew he was doing it, he used me to get over him.

I'm angry because I see he's already changed his status to "single" on everything.

I'm angry because he doesn't feel as miserable and as hurt and as lost as I do.

More than anything I'm angry at myself. I allowed this to happen. I allowed myself to be blinded, allowed myself to trust someone so completely, let them in. I'm angry at myself because now I am alone and everything is messed up again and I can't fix it. I don't know how to fix this. I'm angry because I allowed myself to become this.

As promised and expected, it's a little better than yesterday. I still can't stand the taste of any food, and quite frankly, it makes my stomach hurl anytime I eat so I've pretty much been eating only when I know I should be. Cigarettes and Pepsi are pretty much my main source of nutrition right now, which don't glare at me - I'm nothing if not consistent.

Shelly and Evan (the neighbor and her son) came by yesterday to check on me, which was nice, but I'm not completely in the "i'm ready to see friends" kind of place yet. I'm more in the "stay at home in my old comfy ratty clothes and lay on the couch watching Roseanne and Reba reruns in the dark" kind of place. Luckily we have the Oxygen channel (how gay) and there's a marathon on every morning and night.

Today my mind is in two places. One place is the "could I have done anything different to change this?" place, which of course is foolish and I know the answer. The truth is that the was the first relationship I've ever had in which I didn't feel the need to be anything or anyone other than myself. (never mind that also at the back of this space someone is saying: that's exactly why it didn't work - I keep kicking them to shut 'em up).

The other place is more of a "what next?" place. We're still friends, and we're still roommates, but I don't really know where to go with this, this is new territory for me. You can ask anyone: I just don't become friends with exes, and I've never lived with anyone before now, so the only roommate experience I have is with my (now)ex boyfriend. I'm just wondering how this is all going to work. We said about 10 words to each other yesterday, which didn't seem too weird - but it still felt different, kinda wrong somehow.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm feeling at least a little lost right now. But I know I'll find myself again, and be even better than before. At least my life has taught me to bounce back fast.

Somewhere in here there is a sitcom just waiting to be written. Unfortunately it would only be seen on that crappy gay channel.

Hyper Little Thoughts

All is right with the world

I think it's time

Cramming

sigh

I'm bad

There's something in a Sunday

Much better day

Thanks, tabaqui!

Cutting

Shock of all shocks

Remind me game

Me, cranky? Fuck off.

Had my moments

Somedays being a growed-up sucks

There's a lot of things I believed in

Starting

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Better

Anger

Day two

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