Hyper Little Thoughts

Welcome to 2007, folks. It's wierd to even say 2007, wierder even that 2006. For some reason, my mind is permanently stuck on 1998. I have no idea why, it just is. I'll spare the usual reflections/resoultions crap - the usual: try to quit smoking, lose some weight, etc. Although I'm determined to make the next twelve months mean something to me, make them positive. I demand o reach out and grab what I want for myself, to make this work. The only thing/person that can stop me is myself.

Christmas was...tense. My mom was an emotional wreck. I don't think I've ever seen her this...bad. At least when Dad first had the accident, she was so numb and couldn't feel anything that I knew what to do. But now, it's really difficult. I just tried to be there for her, help her as much as I could. I gotta say, though, leaving after Christmas was possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. She was crying on my shoulder - worse than she did the day I left for college. She kept asking me not to go, not to leave her. My mother...she's an incredibly strong woman. I only wish I was half as strong as she. It was really difficult for me let go of her and not call work and quit and move home and make everything okay. But I knew better. I've talked to her every day since, though, just hoping to maybe give her something to look forward to, or enjoy. I just want her to know how encredibly proud of her I am, how much I love her, and how grateful I am to have her.

Anyway, I'm back in Chicago, and things are good, for the most part. I really like my new job. They gave me an official title: Business Operations Specialist. That's kinda neat, huh? Right now I'm swamped trying to get some research for this grant done. You'd be surprised how many websites there are dedicated to Mediated Learning Experience (MLE) and the various grants and scholarships awarded to it. I'm really liking it here, and I finally feel like I'm doing something. I have appointments and meetings and confrence calls and emails. I feel all growed up:) My other job, though, Office Max has really just turned into Burger King with pencils instead of whoppers. I dread going, wait on eggshells for the day to be over, and feel like my skin is being boiled and peeled off every minute I'm actually there. With any luck, I'll only be there another month or two. Maybe even less. Of course, if I don't straighten up, it'll be way less. I'm on a final write-up because someone stole a printer on my watch. Which means if I want to keep my job, I can't do anything wrong for at least the next six months. In short: it sucks. But what else can ya do?

Anyway, I guess that's enough ramble. I'm gotta skadootch and get some more work done. There's a lot of kids out there that are counting on me to do this - they don't know it, but I do, and I kinda like it.

Random musings of the past couple days:

1. Mail Call: I recieved lunabee34's card yesterday. And bawled like a baby. Thank you, sweety. *smooches* It sure brightened up a crappy day.

2. Last night, Vive called me and we went out for a few drinks. It was great, just like it used to be, only better, because we've both grown up so much. I can't believe I wasted so much time being mad at her for all those months. I'm pretty lucky that she's willing to forgive it and move on.

3. Then again, I've been thinking how lucky I am. Well, not that kind of lucky, but the kind where I do have a few great people in life that I can count on to love and support me. It's a pretty good feeling.

4. I'm a teeny bit bitter - I get to spend a whole 36 hours in the QCs for Christmas, because I have to be back at this place 5am Tuesday morning. I'm not pleased.

5. Also, chicago = crazy.

That'll be all.

So, trying not to tempt the fates, because they are hateful jealous and vindictive creatures. But - I have some good news (despite my terrible day).

I'm taking the job with IRI. As in, it's mine. I'm the new junior marketer for IRI consulting. And I can still keep my OMAX job, although after today I'm kinda considering looking elsewhere. (long, bad story) Anyway, I'll be doing what I want to...and using the degree I spent *guh* amounts of money getting. I'll be helping people and doing my part to reach children all over America who are at a disatvantage because of poor school systems, mental and physical disabilities, or were just dealt a bad hand.

I'm already booked for two conferences - one in Birmingham in the spring (the date keeps changing), and also in LA for spring/summer. AND, the goal, is for me to represent IRI at the European Conference - usually held in Paris, but this year they're considering changing it up a bit. On the possibilities list is: Rome, London, Madrid, Paris, or Berlin. With a possible second overseas in Israel (where Kate'll be stationed most of next year).

So...cool:)

Numero 1: I did not get the job. The exact words were "I'm not sure that you have enough years of experience." ie: not old enough. Which, okay, fine. Oh well, I'm okay where I'm at. It would have been nice to make a lot more money, but in a couple months, I'll be okay. Besides, I got my promotion package today - my IDP (individual development plan) which I need to accomplish over the next few months before I can be selected to move up. But it's a plan, and a goal, and that's nice for me right now. Besides, maybe it'll be nice to have something steady for a while.

Which brings me to number 2: Vive called me while I was at work and left a message. Apparently, Arben left a message on her voicemail last night for me. Something to the effect of: if I don't shut my mouth, he'll shut it for me; I better hope he doesn't see me on the street. I'm not sure, I haven't had a chance to hear it yet. On the one hand, I really just want to shrug it off and leave it alone because I'm so sick and tired of everything there still revolving around my life. I've been gone for what, 4 months. I'm over it, why aren't they? But on the more realistic hand: I know him well enough to know he follows up threats like this. So I'm not sure what to do - do I leave it alone and shrug it off, or should I take it to the police and fill out a report? I just want to be left alone to live my life.

Anyway, there's really nothing much else. I passed my assessment and got my store keys (all 32 of them!). I get paid on friday, so, yay. I can pay my rent...only a couple days late. I did decide that after I get all caught up on bills and whatnot, I'm buying myself a ticket to see Wicked for a late (okay, probably VERY late) Xmas present to myself. I've wanted to see it for so long, and I think it'd be a nice little gift to myself for not um, well, exploding the last couple months (well...um. sort of).

Hope you all are well.

Hey all, look, new fic! It's actually a small little ficlet, general, Xander's POV on Christmas Eve.

It's not great, but I'm posting it anyway because I'm so rusty. Any feedback would be really appreciated. I'm working on a spander Xmas fic, so I'm trying to get back into the flow of it.


( Hard Candy Christmas )

This is the last call for holiday cards, folks! There's still a bunch of people out there that haven't signed up to get one from me.

So, from this minute you have 48 hours to go here and fill out the holiday card poll!

For any of my non-friended friends that want one, leave a screened comment on this post with your adress/name.

I'm back and better than ever.

Last night Matt took me out, and we hit a bunch of the bars that I haven't been to since I left Gentry. I actually had a really great time. But the reason I say I'm back and better is that all kinds of people came up to me, wanting to know where I've been, how I am, etc. And, generally, caring. It was kind of surprising. And really nice. It makes me feel, um, liked. Which is really pretty cool.

In a sadder situation though, the night before last, Phillip took me out. We wound up getting in this huge fight because he was being over-drunk and dramatic and started crying on the train over some homeless person. We started screaming at each other over stupid shit about class and money and that neither of us can understand the other one's position. It was pretty crass and I hate that I feel the way I do about people with money, but you know what - it's still my opinion and I'm entitled to it, just as he is. Anyway, I hate to say it, but I think we've reached a fork and we're going two different directions. It's sad, but it happens. Either way, it's good to at least know where we stand in terms of each other.

I'm definetely looking forward to going home this week. I need some family time and not-here time. And some relax time. I'm wound up pretty tight.

I am still in toothache hell - the kind where you want to take a chisel and smash it out yourself - but I'm getting the hang of how to avoid the worst of the pain without ODing on tylenol. My body really doesn't like this though. It's definetely an infection thing, I've got the symptoms. Here's hopin that Santa comes early and he brings me a dentist. Until then, I'm just going to have to deal.

My first week of training is officially over, and I made it through pretty much unscathed. I'm actually starting to like it. Today I was able to actually help someone out with my horrible experiences in computer related disasters. I get my first check next week. I also picked up my last check from HD today.

Anyone that still reads this journal had to see this coming: Neil's kinda...over. No big dramatic fight, he just kind of wandered away. Things that good don't come so easily, and things that seem too good to be true, are. I would be lying if I didn't say I'm pretty bummed. I rushed into it and got excited over a stranger. It happens. I just wish I wasn't so gullable and so inclined to wear my heart on my sleeve. But, really, I guess in the scheme of things, how much can I grieve over someone I knew a week? Without being total tunes, that is.

There was a lot of other stuff I was going to post, but now I don't really recall what they were.

1. that in matters of the heart, men, and relationships, i am, actually, insane. more on this as it progresses throughout the week.

2. i actually cannot talk and work at the same time. er rather, listen to an earpiece and still try and sell a $1,000 computer at the same time.

3. officemax is funny. the people that work there, they drink the kool-aid because i felt like i had walked into an episode of gulla gulla island. does anyone else remember that show?

4. even after being stark raving mad for a few hours last night, today I was rather chipper.

which brings me to my next point:

I need to make an apointment with a therapist. Last night I had a really bad night. Crying, sobbing, screaming. I picked some boxes out of the trash and started packing. I threw a bunch of plates and broke them, along with most of the stuff in the sink. It was partly because of Neil-type things. But mostly everything else, the last few months all at once rushing in. I've kind of decided I need to talk to someone. I can't do it all on my own. These kind of high and lows aren't normal to any degree.

Anyway, I'm gonna run. My boss is taking me out for a beer to commemorate my first day.

Here's two I finished. First one's pretty morbid, have no clue where it came from.


Silky silver smoke sways in the jittering halogen light bulb suspended from the ceiling with chains. Stale, it slaps my face with its stench. It is greasy against my skin. It makes my teeth feel filmy, my tongue thick and my throat dries even as it heaves. Through the halo of chemical fog you shine, glittering against splashes of shadow and patches of clinical glow. Hair pasted to your brow with cold sweat, eyes ringed in red. A broken smile puling at your cracked lips. Even in death you take my breath away. Even in death I crave your touch.


You gave me life when you came alive. When your fingers first clawed my flesh. When your tongue first danced with mine. When you became me and I became you, when we were one. My first breath was the scream escaping your lips. My first cry was the arch of your back beneath me. My first sight was you shivering in the night. I still possess all of you, though you own all of me. I give you back my life so that you may grant me time to live it, so that each day I can come alive again.