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Music is my forte. Not everyone likes what I do, and I don't always like what everyone else does. That's why it's so great - in music lies the truest form of diversity. Just a random thought as I'm doing some research, listening to my mp3 player.
Taking a little break, thought I'd hop over and update right quick, dig around LJ a bit. Don't know how much I've said this - but I really like my new job. I actually get excited every time I go into the office or sit down to research and write out proposals. I love the small little feeling of panic that explodes in my chest when they give me something new to do. I love the little thoughts in my head "can I really do this, is this what I do, what if I screw it up!?" But then when I email and hand over the hard copies of everything and I hear "great job, you're really doing wonderfully," or when they come to me and ask "we need your opinon/okay for this, tell us what you think" it just makes it so awesome. No full-time yet, but I guess that's okay. I still have OMAX and even though I rather dislike it, it keeps me busy going between the two. And better yet - I'm managing it well, I think. I'm not all that stressed out, and if I am it's the good kind that motivates me to finish everything, not the old-usual "cripes! ah, I'm going to explode!" Kinda nice. Right now I'm working on creating a tutiorial for some software we use so that the office can be a little more efficient.
Friends: I really do have the greatest friends (incidentally if I texted anyone else the other night - sorry...Jack was not my friend that night). Friday night, me and Vive went and saw Black Christmas - if you're a cheesy B-Horror movie buff, this is a great movie. Just this side of cheesy gore and rediculous plot, it's not a bad way to spend a Friday night. We wound up heading out for drinks and Clark's after Dark diner. Many fun times. Last night, I went up and had dinner with Phillip at his place while the husband's out of town (incidentally I found out one of my favorite college proffesors [Dr. Bradshaw!] lives in his building! - Jesus, Chicago is a small town). We watched Material Girls - trust me, I did not pick the movie. Gag. But then we went to Big Chicks for a couple pitchers. While there, I ran into a few old friends from when I first moved here. I danced and got checked out and had a really great time. Some guy got a little fresh and asked if I wanted to go back his place, and I said "Thank you, but I'm not really out for that tonight." Makes a boy feel special, it does. I also got home quite sober and got up this morning to head into the office for a few hours. How responsible!
The future: it's a little scary, because my Master Plantm is so totally wacked out. But I've been thinking the past couple of weeks, that hey, a)it's normal so quit being a drama queen, and b)it's kind of exciting. See, according to the Master Plan tm , I should be in grad school right now working on some brilliant piece of psychological research and on my way towards a life of studiousness. But in the way of things - I kinda feel on track, Master Plan tm aside. Me and Vive were talking about this, and I feel pretty okay being not-in-control. Maybe the problem all along has been that I thought I was, and refused to admit otherwise. So I'm going to try this go-with-the-flow thing for a bit and see where it leads. So far it seems to be working pretty well.
Friends/Lovers/Family: Without getting whiney and boo-hooey, it's always seemed like I was dealt pretty crappy cards when it came to this stuff. Anyone I've ever dated or been involved with has always left me crushed and scarred. And there for a while, it seemed like I couldn't trust anyone. The friends who've been there with me through it all I pretty much abandoned to live this whole new life, which of course, backfired. My "new friends" opened my eyes to a different side of morality...one I'm not particularily inclined to appreciate any longer. And in the end it seemed like I was indefinetely alone. And then my dad, my family, and everything just seemed to be taken away from me. So for all of that time I operated on the premise that nothing is worth energy, and I can count on no one but myself and have faith in nothing but the fact that any happiness is always replaced by greater pain. I was surprised the other night when Vive and I were talking about Chris, and I was actually able to laugh about the whole thing. Not a bitter laugh, but the kind where I look back and think "yeah, this happened, but it's all for the best." And I started to think - you know me - I needed to go through that, to have that experience. The same thing with Fernando and Arben and Gentry, and even having everything taken away. I can appreciate everything more fully now. I feel like these things have all contributed to something better. I don't feel anymore like I'm all alone. I love my friends more now than ever, and I know that I don't need to have someone in my life (romantically speaking) because I have so much love already. And when the time comes, if it comes, I'll be able to share that love with someone else because I want to, not because I need to. I do wish that my dad hadn't had his accident, because I see the pain it's caused my family - especially my mother. But even that has its place, in a way. It showed me just how far I'm willing to go for my family, and how much I do love them. And, it allowed me to be close with them in a way I never have been before. So out of tragedy comes love.
Essentially, I really feel like I'm growing into myself. I don't have to be anyone or anything I don't want to. I guess I'm feeling pretty free right now, and even if my emotions over the past year have been self-imposed, it's nice to be able to say that. It's pretty nice being able to go to sleep at night and know that tomorrow something really amazing could happen.
Anyway, enough philosophy and self-analysis. Time to get back to work. These summaries aren't going to write themselves.
Also, expect L2bL 25 to be coming soon:)
Taking a little break, thought I'd hop over and update right quick, dig around LJ a bit. Don't know how much I've said this - but I really like my new job. I actually get excited every time I go into the office or sit down to research and write out proposals. I love the small little feeling of panic that explodes in my chest when they give me something new to do. I love the little thoughts in my head "can I really do this, is this what I do, what if I screw it up!?" But then when I email and hand over the hard copies of everything and I hear "great job, you're really doing wonderfully," or when they come to me and ask "we need your opinon/okay for this, tell us what you think" it just makes it so awesome. No full-time yet, but I guess that's okay. I still have OMAX and even though I rather dislike it, it keeps me busy going between the two. And better yet - I'm managing it well, I think. I'm not all that stressed out, and if I am it's the good kind that motivates me to finish everything, not the old-usual "cripes! ah, I'm going to explode!" Kinda nice. Right now I'm working on creating a tutiorial for some software we use so that the office can be a little more efficient.
Friends: I really do have the greatest friends (incidentally if I texted anyone else the other night - sorry...Jack was not my friend that night). Friday night, me and Vive went and saw Black Christmas - if you're a cheesy B-Horror movie buff, this is a great movie. Just this side of cheesy gore and rediculous plot, it's not a bad way to spend a Friday night. We wound up heading out for drinks and Clark's after Dark diner. Many fun times. Last night, I went up and had dinner with Phillip at his place while the husband's out of town (incidentally I found out one of my favorite college proffesors [Dr. Bradshaw!] lives in his building! - Jesus, Chicago is a small town). We watched Material Girls - trust me, I did not pick the movie. Gag. But then we went to Big Chicks for a couple pitchers. While there, I ran into a few old friends from when I first moved here. I danced and got checked out and had a really great time. Some guy got a little fresh and asked if I wanted to go back his place, and I said "Thank you, but I'm not really out for that tonight." Makes a boy feel special, it does. I also got home quite sober and got up this morning to head into the office for a few hours. How responsible!
The future: it's a little scary, because my Master Plan
Friends/Lovers/Family: Without getting whiney and boo-hooey, it's always seemed like I was dealt pretty crappy cards when it came to this stuff. Anyone I've ever dated or been involved with has always left me crushed and scarred. And there for a while, it seemed like I couldn't trust anyone. The friends who've been there with me through it all I pretty much abandoned to live this whole new life, which of course, backfired. My "new friends" opened my eyes to a different side of morality...one I'm not particularily inclined to appreciate any longer. And in the end it seemed like I was indefinetely alone. And then my dad, my family, and everything just seemed to be taken away from me. So for all of that time I operated on the premise that nothing is worth energy, and I can count on no one but myself and have faith in nothing but the fact that any happiness is always replaced by greater pain. I was surprised the other night when Vive and I were talking about Chris, and I was actually able to laugh about the whole thing. Not a bitter laugh, but the kind where I look back and think "yeah, this happened, but it's all for the best." And I started to think - you know me - I needed to go through that, to have that experience. The same thing with Fernando and Arben and Gentry, and even having everything taken away. I can appreciate everything more fully now. I feel like these things have all contributed to something better. I don't feel anymore like I'm all alone. I love my friends more now than ever, and I know that I don't need to have someone in my life (romantically speaking) because I have so much love already. And when the time comes, if it comes, I'll be able to share that love with someone else because I want to, not because I need to. I do wish that my dad hadn't had his accident, because I see the pain it's caused my family - especially my mother. But even that has its place, in a way. It showed me just how far I'm willing to go for my family, and how much I do love them. And, it allowed me to be close with them in a way I never have been before. So out of tragedy comes love.
Essentially, I really feel like I'm growing into myself. I don't have to be anyone or anything I don't want to. I guess I'm feeling pretty free right now, and even if my emotions over the past year have been self-imposed, it's nice to be able to say that. It's pretty nice being able to go to sleep at night and know that tomorrow something really amazing could happen.
Anyway, enough philosophy and self-analysis. Time to get back to work. These summaries aren't going to write themselves.
Also, expect L2bL 25 to be coming soon:)
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From:
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From:
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I think, me, that you've just grown up a little and figured out that life will *happen*, and you just need to figure out how to turn it to the good when it does.
And you've succeeded.
*hugs*
From:
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It's amazing what a little age, a dash of wisdom, and whole lot of hindsight can create.
*big hugs*
From:
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From:
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if I texted anyone else the other night - sorry
You so made my heart stop with that one. lol To just see, "I need help," and then I was so afraid you weren't going to answer the phone! Oi! If you hadn't answered, I would have found a way up there and kicked your ass! lol
From:
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From:
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Also, expect L2bL 25 to be coming soon:)
I'll be watching my Inbox. :)
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