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Okay, not so much a new layout as just changed some things.
What ch'ya think?
for today. Geesh. I forgot what it can be like out here in the middle of nowhere. There's a storm blowing in, and I can smell it. God, I love this. I'm typing at Frank's computer, looking out his bedroom window and across the unplanted field behind his house - you can see for miles. Every second that I'm here I fall more and more in love with it, settle a little more, and regret going back to the city.
I met Frank for lunch, and even something small and stupid like that was so incredibly nice.
I'm falling here. Chicago's feels like it's a million miles away, a million years ago. I can breathe. All of those stupid petty little things that I think about constantly seem like they're just...gone. After lunch, I said I was going to go wash my car and he asked if I was heading back home afterwards (referring to his house) and without thinking about it I said yeah. Something so encredibly simple, but it means so much.
Just for shits and giggles, I stopped by an open house for a new subdivision on the way back. Just a cute little two bedroom with a nice big yard. Did the tour and everything, and when I asked what payments/mortgage would be, they said it'd be what amounts to $200 less than what I'm paying for my studio in Chicago. Which makes me 1. Ill, and 2. hopeful. How awesome would it be if in less than a year, I owned a house (or more accurately, was paying a bank who owned my house)? Things to think about that don't bring me down or feel impossible.
It's just...nice.
I met Frank for lunch, and even something small and stupid like that was so incredibly nice.
I'm falling here. Chicago's feels like it's a million miles away, a million years ago. I can breathe. All of those stupid petty little things that I think about constantly seem like they're just...gone. After lunch, I said I was going to go wash my car and he asked if I was heading back home afterwards (referring to his house) and without thinking about it I said yeah. Something so encredibly simple, but it means so much.
Just for shits and giggles, I stopped by an open house for a new subdivision on the way back. Just a cute little two bedroom with a nice big yard. Did the tour and everything, and when I asked what payments/mortgage would be, they said it'd be what amounts to $200 less than what I'm paying for my studio in Chicago. Which makes me 1. Ill, and 2. hopeful. How awesome would it be if in less than a year, I owned a house (or more accurately, was paying a bank who owned my house)? Things to think about that don't bring me down or feel impossible.
It's just...nice.
Tags:
Frank just left for work, leaving me all alone in his mom's house with his wacky younger brother and his very-much teen-aged sister. Apparently they think I'm "weird." This coming from two teenagers who have WOW parties. I'm slightly frightened. I was also not amused, when we got home last night, to find that my bags had been riffled through and all my cookies had been eaten. *glare* It's totally odd to be with someone who has siblings, not to mention underage siblings. New experience for me. Ah well, I'm gonna leave in a bit and bum around town and job-hunt.
Yesterday was a lot of fun. We got woken up by his friend, Jarred, who asked to kidnap me for the day while Frank worked. I agreed, and we wound up laying carpet at his girlfriend's dad's house. Me and Tom, the dad, totally hit it off. We went through his house and he was showing me all the work he's put into it, and I was offering tips and suggestions (I guess my dad did rub off a little on me) on how to do stuff cheaper, better, easier. And it turns out that I'm the only one out of the 6 of us there yesterday that had laid carpet before, so they put me in charge. Me and Tom had a blast joking around, poking fun at the "kids" (two of the guys yesterday were only 18). Everything was going great; I was having fun, settling in to some potential new friends, and then Jarred threw a curve ball at me. We had to go out to his aunt's house to get a ladder, and on the way he tells me that he thinks I shouldn't come here, and that Frank's using me to get over his ex. Um...WTF? He told me this in confidence, so of course I turned around and called Frank about it - I don't play those games anymore. Frank flipped out, someone overheard, and a couple hours later Jarred cornered me about it. I forgot how small towns are. It all got straightened out in the end. But now I'm somewhat suspicious of him and his girlfriend (who, it turns out, are best friends with Troy - the ex). It's not that big of a deal, because me and Frank talked about it and I know I don't have to worry about it. I do think it's amusing, though, that Jarred was really jealous that me and Tom get along better than he and Tom do (but see...I'm not dating his daughter.).
Frank works late tonight, so I'm kinda stuck doing nothing, watching movies, jobhunting, whatnot for the day. And now I'm off to wally world to pick up some Pepsi because the kids here drank all mine (*glare*).
Yesterday was a lot of fun. We got woken up by his friend, Jarred, who asked to kidnap me for the day while Frank worked. I agreed, and we wound up laying carpet at his girlfriend's dad's house. Me and Tom, the dad, totally hit it off. We went through his house and he was showing me all the work he's put into it, and I was offering tips and suggestions (I guess my dad did rub off a little on me) on how to do stuff cheaper, better, easier. And it turns out that I'm the only one out of the 6 of us there yesterday that had laid carpet before, so they put me in charge. Me and Tom had a blast joking around, poking fun at the "kids" (two of the guys yesterday were only 18). Everything was going great; I was having fun, settling in to some potential new friends, and then Jarred threw a curve ball at me. We had to go out to his aunt's house to get a ladder, and on the way he tells me that he thinks I shouldn't come here, and that Frank's using me to get over his ex. Um...WTF? He told me this in confidence, so of course I turned around and called Frank about it - I don't play those games anymore. Frank flipped out, someone overheard, and a couple hours later Jarred cornered me about it. I forgot how small towns are. It all got straightened out in the end. But now I'm somewhat suspicious of him and his girlfriend (who, it turns out, are best friends with Troy - the ex). It's not that big of a deal, because me and Frank talked about it and I know I don't have to worry about it. I do think it's amusing, though, that Jarred was really jealous that me and Tom get along better than he and Tom do (but see...I'm not dating his daughter.).
Frank works late tonight, so I'm kinda stuck doing nothing, watching movies, jobhunting, whatnot for the day. And now I'm off to wally world to pick up some Pepsi because the kids here drank all mine (*glare*).
Tags:
So flipping exhausted. Don't know why I'm still up.
Thinking about Frank. Kind of a big change for me (right?). I mean, him in general. He doesn't want anything from me but myself. It's really a wierd/scary/awesome feeling. I'm pretty crazy about him. This weekend I'm going to Indy to spend it with him, meeting his friends, going on dates, and hanging out. We're getting tested (yeah, that's right. I'm actually dating someone and haven't even fooled around yet. I'm proud of myself). Anyway, this could turn out to be a really big weekend. I know he's getting a hotel room so we're not sleeping at his mom's house again. Friday night we're going to a party at his frat brother's place. Should be interesting, since The Ex is on the guest list with a big fat RSVP. I'm not worried. I'm there with Frank, and that's what matters. No reason getting wierd or akward. Saturday we're going to Noblesville to hook up with his best friend from college and her family. Then Sunday night is our night. Mmm. nice.
I dropped![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wilde_moon off a few hours ago at the oasis. It was a good weekend, I think we all had some fun.
And, even though I'm so tired I can't stand it right now - it feels really good right now. I'm breathing easy and smiling freely. Good times are here.
Thinking about Frank. Kind of a big change for me (right?). I mean, him in general. He doesn't want anything from me but myself. It's really a wierd/scary/awesome feeling. I'm pretty crazy about him. This weekend I'm going to Indy to spend it with him, meeting his friends, going on dates, and hanging out. We're getting tested (yeah, that's right. I'm actually dating someone and haven't even fooled around yet. I'm proud of myself). Anyway, this could turn out to be a really big weekend. I know he's getting a hotel room so we're not sleeping at his mom's house again. Friday night we're going to a party at his frat brother's place. Should be interesting, since The Ex is on the guest list with a big fat RSVP. I'm not worried. I'm there with Frank, and that's what matters. No reason getting wierd or akward. Saturday we're going to Noblesville to hook up with his best friend from college and her family. Then Sunday night is our night. Mmm. nice.
I dropped
wilde_moon off a few hours ago at the oasis. It was a good weekend, I think we all had some fun.And, even though I'm so tired I can't stand it right now - it feels really good right now. I'm breathing easy and smiling freely. Good times are here.
Alright, so Indiana was...amazing. And by Indy, I mean, Frank. We had this complete and dumbfounding connection on so many levels. I just knew, the second I saw him, that he's mine.
We're gonna give it a try. And honestly, I think it'll work too. As a matter of fact, he's on his way to Chicago right now to spend today and tommorrow with me (and wilde_moon, of course!).
I do have to say - it's so incredibly refreshing and nice to meet a man that wants to wait for sex. Because I definetely want to wait. I want something more, and it seems like Frank has it.
So sleepy. I'll post more later.
We're gonna give it a try. And honestly, I think it'll work too. As a matter of fact, he's on his way to Chicago right now to spend today and tommorrow with me (and wilde_moon, of course!).
I do have to say - it's so incredibly refreshing and nice to meet a man that wants to wait for sex. Because I definetely want to wait. I want something more, and it seems like Frank has it.
So sleepy. I'll post more later.
Music. Nice.
The good news is that I got a little bit of sleep in. Got up and puttered around the apartment, did some cleaning. All unpacked! Finally.
Now it's time to throw some stuff in a bag and head to Indy for the night. I gotta say that even I think this is incredibly insane, even for me. I wouldn't normally even think about doing something this crazy, but I think it's time to take a few risks. And this is definetely a risk worth taking. Who knows what could happen, but I'll never find out if I don't try.
( Unveiling - in minute detail )
So that's the very short short of what's been going on. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. So encredibly excited about the changes that are happening. Even if it doesn't happen the way I'm hoping - it's something new, something different. It's something! And for that I couldn't be more excited than I am right now. (have you figured out that I'm excited?)
So tonight I'll be in Indy with Frank.wilde_moon'll be here tomorrow night for the CoRo show, and she'll be here till Monday - yay! And then Frank'll come up Saturday afternoon and stay until Sunday night or Monday morning. I hope they don't mind my Barbie's Dream Apartment. I've never had two other people stay here at the same time. Could be interesting. I've already got the weekend all planned out, and we're in for some Big Fun.
So I'm gonna run. Wish me luck:)
The good news is that I got a little bit of sleep in. Got up and puttered around the apartment, did some cleaning. All unpacked! Finally.
Now it's time to throw some stuff in a bag and head to Indy for the night. I gotta say that even I think this is incredibly insane, even for me. I wouldn't normally even think about doing something this crazy, but I think it's time to take a few risks. And this is definetely a risk worth taking. Who knows what could happen, but I'll never find out if I don't try.
( Unveiling - in minute detail )
So that's the very short short of what's been going on. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. So encredibly excited about the changes that are happening. Even if it doesn't happen the way I'm hoping - it's something new, something different. It's something! And for that I couldn't be more excited than I am right now. (have you figured out that I'm excited?)
So tonight I'll be in Indy with Frank.
wilde_moon'll be here tomorrow night for the CoRo show, and she'll be here till Monday - yay! And then Frank'll come up Saturday afternoon and stay until Sunday night or Monday morning. I hope they don't mind my Barbie's Dream Apartment. I've never had two other people stay here at the same time. Could be interesting. I've already got the weekend all planned out, and we're in for some Big Fun.So I'm gonna run. Wish me luck:)
At long last, this weary traveler is home. Trip. From. Hell. is a pretty accurate description of my trip back from LA. I've been up for just about 24 hours, so I'll save the details for another post. But first, two things:
1. Avoid LAX at all costs. If you can fly out of Orange County possibly - DO IT.
2. While it was certainly nice to get away, It's also certainly nice to return home.
And now - I sleep.
1. Avoid LAX at all costs. If you can fly out of Orange County possibly - DO IT.
2. While it was certainly nice to get away, It's also certainly nice to return home.
And now - I sleep.
My time here in Los Angeles is just about over. I'm about to go check out of the hotel and head to the airport. At least I'll get to do a little sight-seeing before I fly away tonight. It's definetely been an amazing experience being out here; seeing how people live. Gives me some faith that I can get out of Chicago and survive.
If you could see me right now - I have this really large smile. Even with everything - my parent's imminent probable divorce, my family growing further apart, things in Chicago not really working out like I always dreamed, and all the other series of misfortunate events that can sometimes seem is all my life is - good things can and do happen. Every day. Great things are happening around me every second. I feel like I blind myself to them and get so wrapped up in everything. I'm trying to change that about myself. I think this has really helped me.
I'm not going home alone. I'm going home to someone, to a life, to something new and different. If life's a road trip, I'm just gonna coast for a while, if that's okay. Don't know where I'm going, and for once I like that feeling. All I see is what's in the rearview and what's right in front of me. I'm taking my foot off the gas and riding shotgun for a bit.
hmm. feeling kinda philisophical today. nice. some great things to think about on the plane.
If you could see me right now - I have this really large smile. Even with everything - my parent's imminent probable divorce, my family growing further apart, things in Chicago not really working out like I always dreamed, and all the other series of misfortunate events that can sometimes seem is all my life is - good things can and do happen. Every day. Great things are happening around me every second. I feel like I blind myself to them and get so wrapped up in everything. I'm trying to change that about myself. I think this has really helped me.
I'm not going home alone. I'm going home to someone, to a life, to something new and different. If life's a road trip, I'm just gonna coast for a while, if that's okay. Don't know where I'm going, and for once I like that feeling. All I see is what's in the rearview and what's right in front of me. I'm taking my foot off the gas and riding shotgun for a bit.
hmm. feeling kinda philisophical today. nice. some great things to think about on the plane.
Well my sojourn here in L.A. has almost come to an end. I'm taking the Red Eye back to chicago tomorrow night and getting back around 5am. Tomorrow I'm going to rent a car and tour around LA. Hopefully get a chance to bumb around Hollywood for a while. Really wanting to get to Santa Monica. We'll see what happens. I'm definetely not going to rush myself on my only day off out here. I do have to say, that yeah it's gorgeous and a great place to visit, I don't think I could live out here. I think I'm going to save up some money and maybe come out here next year under my own steam for a few days. Maybe it'll be a trip for two...
Which brings me to the other thing I've mentioned. This is incredibly crazy, but things are going so well. It's kinda unreal. I know I made the right decision. Every time the phone rings, my heart skips a few beats. Every morning I wake up with a smile. Every night I fall asleep to really amazing dreams. I don't feel awkward or different than who I am, and I know that who I am is enough, okay, wanted, and loved. I don't have to change or compromise who I am or what I want. The best thing in the world is happening, and I couldn't be more excited.
I swear eventually I'll stop alluding to what's going on, but for now, I'm happy to have this be my own thing.
*big hugs* Hope everyone is doing really really well.
Which brings me to the other thing I've mentioned. This is incredibly crazy, but things are going so well. It's kinda unreal. I know I made the right decision. Every time the phone rings, my heart skips a few beats. Every morning I wake up with a smile. Every night I fall asleep to really amazing dreams. I don't feel awkward or different than who I am, and I know that who I am is enough, okay, wanted, and loved. I don't have to change or compromise who I am or what I want. The best thing in the world is happening, and I couldn't be more excited.
I swear eventually I'll stop alluding to what's going on, but for now, I'm happy to have this be my own thing.
*big hugs* Hope everyone is doing really really well.
It turns out that my flight was pushed back a day. So I'll be leaving for LA at 9am tomorrow. I'm going there to head up our part of the conference for iRi. It's nothing fancy, but I'm kinda excited about going. Never been out there before. I'll be working tomorrow - monday. Then, Tuesday I have my day off, and I come back 10pm Tuesday night. So I've got an entire day to myself in a new place. I think I might go crazy or something. Sooo looking forward to that one day of vacation.
( I meant for this to be shorter than it turned out. And so, I cut. )
Anyway, I feel totally wierd right now. My eyes are open, things are a lot clearer now. I just knew things would get better again. I guess it's okay to go to the bad place, as long as you don't stay there. And if I've learned anything, it's that we all go there from time to time, but you can't let yourself get sucked into it. I think maybe I'm a stronger person that I give myself credit for, and of course a lot of that has to do with the fact that I do keep some wonderful people around me. And all of your words of wisdom help so much I don't think I can even put words to it. You all have faith in me even when I don't. It's kind of odd and silly, but I'm so thankful that I have all of you guys. *group hug*
( I meant for this to be shorter than it turned out. And so, I cut. )
Anyway, I feel totally wierd right now. My eyes are open, things are a lot clearer now. I just knew things would get better again. I guess it's okay to go to the bad place, as long as you don't stay there. And if I've learned anything, it's that we all go there from time to time, but you can't let yourself get sucked into it. I think maybe I'm a stronger person that I give myself credit for, and of course a lot of that has to do with the fact that I do keep some wonderful people around me. And all of your words of wisdom help so much I don't think I can even put words to it. You all have faith in me even when I don't. It's kind of odd and silly, but I'm so thankful that I have all of you guys. *group hug*
Until I leave for L.A. I gotta admit, I'm a little nervous.
I can't believe everything that's happened in the last three days. (that's a post for post-L.A.)
Two guys. I...huh?
I already know what I'm going to do, but I don't know how I'm going to do it.
Life is strange.
I can't believe everything that's happened in the last three days. (that's a post for post-L.A.)
Two guys. I...huh?
I already know what I'm going to do, but I don't know how I'm going to do it.
Life is strange.
What a beautiful day. I got to sleep in a little before work. The sun is shining, for once. And it's supposed to be almost-warm today (39 - heatwave!). And, I'm feeling good. Nah, I'm feeling pretty great.
It's one of those endless possibility days - where anything can happen. And I think something good'll happen today.
You know, it's kind of funny. Last night on the busirde home from work, I was feeling pretty miserable. All gloomy and down and blah. I looked up, and this woman sitting across from me was looking at me and smiled. Before I could think, I smiled back at her. And all of a sudden, I was feeling so much better. It's pretty cool when you think about it - something as simple as a stranger's smile can make you feel a world of better.
There are things I need to fix, to work on. But it isn't and doesn't have to be overnight. I guess maybe somwhere in the last couple of weeks I lost that confidence I had. Well, it's time to get it back.
I also just registered for the GRE. I want to be in school again, soon.
It's one of those endless possibility days - where anything can happen. And I think something good'll happen today.
You know, it's kind of funny. Last night on the busirde home from work, I was feeling pretty miserable. All gloomy and down and blah. I looked up, and this woman sitting across from me was looking at me and smiled. Before I could think, I smiled back at her. And all of a sudden, I was feeling so much better. It's pretty cool when you think about it - something as simple as a stranger's smile can make you feel a world of better.
There are things I need to fix, to work on. But it isn't and doesn't have to be overnight. I guess maybe somwhere in the last couple of weeks I lost that confidence I had. Well, it's time to get it back.
I also just registered for the GRE. I want to be in school again, soon.
New obsession: Hellogoodbye. Specifically, this song.
Last night, I was in country mode. Today, I'm in dance mode.
I pretty much just figured out that I'm letting it happen again: I'm letting myself get sucked into the bad and not looking for the good.
Saturday night was a disaster, but I can't change that. I can only move forward. The same thing goes for Todd. I did a bad, immature thing (I'm sure that won't be my last). But again, I can't change that. Things with my mom will be okay. Things with Phillip, I'm thinking won't. But maybe that's okay too. It's always sad to outgrow a friend, but it does happen.
The point is simply that I've worked pretty hard to make things good for myself for it all to be thrown away by a few things being thrown at me that I never forsaw. That's life, right? BS hurtling towards you in all it's face-splattering splendor. The trick is to learn when to dodge, and when to just deal.
So this is me, dealing. Well, a little bit of dodging, but mostly dealing. Head on and straight on till morning, right?
Thanks you guys - it's nice to know that there are people out there who have faith and love in me.
Last night, I was in country mode. Today, I'm in dance mode.
I pretty much just figured out that I'm letting it happen again: I'm letting myself get sucked into the bad and not looking for the good.
Saturday night was a disaster, but I can't change that. I can only move forward. The same thing goes for Todd. I did a bad, immature thing (I'm sure that won't be my last). But again, I can't change that. Things with my mom will be okay. Things with Phillip, I'm thinking won't. But maybe that's okay too. It's always sad to outgrow a friend, but it does happen.
The point is simply that I've worked pretty hard to make things good for myself for it all to be thrown away by a few things being thrown at me that I never forsaw. That's life, right? BS hurtling towards you in all it's face-splattering splendor. The trick is to learn when to dodge, and when to just deal.
So this is me, dealing. Well, a little bit of dodging, but mostly dealing. Head on and straight on till morning, right?
Thanks you guys - it's nice to know that there are people out there who have faith and love in me.
And, not to beat a dead horse.
But I'm kinda missing Todd tonight.
But I'm kinda missing Todd tonight.
It's okay. We kinda talked things out, and I got some stuff off my chest. But now I feel terrible because she feels guilty.
You know, this too is a result of me not being entirely honest with people about my feelings. If I had opened up a little, or at all, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did.
I really wish I knew how to just let go.
But I guess it's time to just slap on a happy face.
You know, this too is a result of me not being entirely honest with people about my feelings. If I had opened up a little, or at all, maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did.
I really wish I knew how to just let go.
But I guess it's time to just slap on a happy face.
I knew going that party was a bad idea. I just knew it.
The short story: me and my mom had a huge blowout fight, in which we both said things we shouldn't have. I got so upset, so incredibly hurt and angry that I took off and left her there, telling her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel. And, though I want to make sure she gets home okay, and I wish her well - all of them well - I can't do this anymore. I'm cutting ties.
( The long story: )
She just called and talked a little bit. It'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as close as we were.
The short story: me and my mom had a huge blowout fight, in which we both said things we shouldn't have. I got so upset, so incredibly hurt and angry that I took off and left her there, telling her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel. And, though I want to make sure she gets home okay, and I wish her well - all of them well - I can't do this anymore. I'm cutting ties.
( The long story: )
She just called and talked a little bit. It'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as close as we were.
.
