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I knew going that party was a bad idea. I just knew it.
The short story: me and my mom had a huge blowout fight, in which we both said things we shouldn't have. I got so upset, so incredibly hurt and angry that I took off and left her there, telling her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel. And, though I want to make sure she gets home okay, and I wish her well - all of them well - I can't do this anymore. I'm cutting ties.
Everything was cool before the party. We went to dinner, did a little shopping. We were greeted at the party with a tequila shot, and though I was kinda nervous, I didn't say anything when Mom shot it. Then she asked me to make her a margarita. By the time I had two drinks, she'd had four. By the time I had four, she'd had 8 and a couple of jello shots. I'm not saying I was good and sober, but she was fucking plowed. She kept telling these random strangers about all of the problems she's been having. Some of these people are friends, and some aren't. But they're all people I don't exactly want knowing the bad side of my life.
I guess I was hovering too much, because Mom told phillip that I was being overprotective and she wished I would back off. So I did. I tried to stay out of whatever room she was in, be not-there when she was ranting to complete strangers and making a fool of herself, embarrassing me, and saying some pretty mean things about me. She was telling these people that she wished Dad had died in the hole, and that it's too bad Brian saved him. Anyway, it came to a certain point at around 3am where I found her and told her maybe we should be going. Somehow that evolved into a shouting match between us. She was mad because she thinks I was treating her like a child, and I was so angry and upset that she was acting like she was. What I remember most, and will always remember the most is when she told me that I am just like the rest of them, that she thought she could trust me and now I've just let her down like all of them. And that I'm a drunk, that I'm stupid, and overdramatic, and she wished I was anyone else's son.
That's pretty much the part where I started bawling, and Phillip came out to check on us. And, Phillip being himself, tried to control the situation and get us to calm down, which just heated me up even more. Me and him start yelling at each other, and the two of them gang up against me, taking turns bashing at me. I started screaming at him too, telling him how pissed off I was at him for even telling her about the party. I told him that he's been a horrible friend to me, and that I was so tired of everything being my fault. Turned that around to mom too - I'm sorry that everything I've worked so hard to achieve means nothing to her. That everything wrong in her life is my fault. I'm so tired of trying to make everything work, trying to make everything okay for everyone else, meanwhile everything in my life is falling apart. Again. (this is the part where she said I was being overdramatic, and maybe she's right, but I couldn't stop it once I started)
Her response to this was that she doesn't need my shit on top of hers - she has enough to deal with. I snapped at her hardcore, telling her that she needs to get over it. Life sucks and bad things happen for no reason. And talking about dealing with shit - what about me. I've had to smile and be constantly there for her and for everyone - not just over the last year, but for my entire life. And here she was, doing it again. She came face to face with my life, and she threw up all over it. She threw her shit into it.
She said she doesn't need me, hasn't ever needed me. So I handed her cigarette case, and told her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel, back to the quad cities, and the fuck out of my life. So I hailed a cab and took off.
So last week I cut my boyfriend out of my life. This weekend I cut my friend, and my family out of it. I really feel so incredibly low right now. I just don't know where to go from here.
She just called and talked a little bit. It'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as close as we were.
The short story: me and my mom had a huge blowout fight, in which we both said things we shouldn't have. I got so upset, so incredibly hurt and angry that I took off and left her there, telling her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel. And, though I want to make sure she gets home okay, and I wish her well - all of them well - I can't do this anymore. I'm cutting ties.
Everything was cool before the party. We went to dinner, did a little shopping. We were greeted at the party with a tequila shot, and though I was kinda nervous, I didn't say anything when Mom shot it. Then she asked me to make her a margarita. By the time I had two drinks, she'd had four. By the time I had four, she'd had 8 and a couple of jello shots. I'm not saying I was good and sober, but she was fucking plowed. She kept telling these random strangers about all of the problems she's been having. Some of these people are friends, and some aren't. But they're all people I don't exactly want knowing the bad side of my life.
I guess I was hovering too much, because Mom told phillip that I was being overprotective and she wished I would back off. So I did. I tried to stay out of whatever room she was in, be not-there when she was ranting to complete strangers and making a fool of herself, embarrassing me, and saying some pretty mean things about me. She was telling these people that she wished Dad had died in the hole, and that it's too bad Brian saved him. Anyway, it came to a certain point at around 3am where I found her and told her maybe we should be going. Somehow that evolved into a shouting match between us. She was mad because she thinks I was treating her like a child, and I was so angry and upset that she was acting like she was. What I remember most, and will always remember the most is when she told me that I am just like the rest of them, that she thought she could trust me and now I've just let her down like all of them. And that I'm a drunk, that I'm stupid, and overdramatic, and she wished I was anyone else's son.
That's pretty much the part where I started bawling, and Phillip came out to check on us. And, Phillip being himself, tried to control the situation and get us to calm down, which just heated me up even more. Me and him start yelling at each other, and the two of them gang up against me, taking turns bashing at me. I started screaming at him too, telling him how pissed off I was at him for even telling her about the party. I told him that he's been a horrible friend to me, and that I was so tired of everything being my fault. Turned that around to mom too - I'm sorry that everything I've worked so hard to achieve means nothing to her. That everything wrong in her life is my fault. I'm so tired of trying to make everything work, trying to make everything okay for everyone else, meanwhile everything in my life is falling apart. Again. (this is the part where she said I was being overdramatic, and maybe she's right, but I couldn't stop it once I started)
Her response to this was that she doesn't need my shit on top of hers - she has enough to deal with. I snapped at her hardcore, telling her that she needs to get over it. Life sucks and bad things happen for no reason. And talking about dealing with shit - what about me. I've had to smile and be constantly there for her and for everyone - not just over the last year, but for my entire life. And here she was, doing it again. She came face to face with my life, and she threw up all over it. She threw her shit into it.
She said she doesn't need me, hasn't ever needed me. So I handed her cigarette case, and told her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel, back to the quad cities, and the fuck out of my life. So I hailed a cab and took off.
So last week I cut my boyfriend out of my life. This weekend I cut my friend, and my family out of it. I really feel so incredibly low right now. I just don't know where to go from here.
She just called and talked a little bit. It'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as close as we were.
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From:
no subject
I hope you'll soon find a solution that works for you
*hugs*
From:
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Well, it can only get better.
From:
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That's....a lot. I wish I had something brilliant and useful to say.
Or even just useful.
::hugs you hard::
From:
no subject
*huge hugs*
From:
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But I think you should apologise to Philip - if he didn't know how your mom was, he probably thought he was doing you a favour by inviting her.
From:
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From:
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There are some things you can learn from ones parents, even if it's just what not to do!
From:
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From:
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~Nebula
From:
no subject
Thanks, babe. You've been constantly there for me. I'm lucky:)