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Looks like once again, I spoke too soon. Me and Tom are pretty much over. The official word is that we're on a break. But for all intents and purposes I'm done. If after a year he can't trust me, then really what is this? Without trust there just can't be a relationship, and it's fairly obvious that he doesn't or can't trust me. So... This isn't like anything else I've been through. I just don't have words for it.
Two days ago I tried to get a hold of Tom. After a few tries, he told me he was really sick and trying to get some rest. I have this weekend off, and so did he, so he said he'd be down after work last night. Last night, knowing he wasn't feeling well I tried to text him and call him to see if he was still coming down or if he was just going to stay there and try and get better. He never answered. He has a habit of doing that, going into radio silence, one of the issues we were trying to work on. Anyway, I stayed up all night waiting for him, finally falling asleep around 5 this morning. Around 9 I woke up, and he wasn't here. So I tried calling him to no avail. By 11 I still hadn't heard from him. No facebook or myspace status updates, no IMs or email, no texts or voicemail. This isn't like him at all. At this point, I start calling other people. Work hasn't seen or heard from him since he left last night, and none of his friends have seen or heard from him since leaving for work yesterday, including his roommate. At this point, I start freaking out. I call the hospitals by his school, the ERs, even the police department to see if he'd been arrested. Nothing. Finally, around noon he called me. And asks - "be honest with me, did you sleep with someone else over the summer?"
Apparently, two days ago an annonymous friend of his told him that over the summer, I'd slept around on him. (the clincher on this is that this "friend" I have found out is also friends with Frank, and I'm trying really hard not to be all conspiracy theory about this). Never mind that Tom knows how I feel about cheating. Never mind that I have given him NO reason to even think that I'd do such a thing. And never mind that after a year together he should know me better than this. But he believes this friend. And uses the sick story as a cover to avoid me.
Cut back to the phone call, I start screaming at him. "how could you even believe this" etc. He responds "how could I not believe it?" At this point, I pretty much went sideways. Can he think so little of me, care so little about me that he would believe this "friend" over me? I've been faithful through everything. I'm not the one that's gone for weeks and months at a time. I'm not the one that doesn't call. I'm not the one that constantly and consistently puts everyone elses needs before my partner's. I'm not the one who's a teenager in college. And STILL I trusted him through it all. He admits that I haven't done anything to make him doubt me. It winds up with me telling him "now that I know you're alive, I've got shit I need to do, so you decide what the fuck you want to do and you let me know." So, he said he needs time. He needs time.
So, I'm pretty much done. He obviously doesn't trust me. Without trust, there's nothing for a relationshp to stand on.
Two days ago I tried to get a hold of Tom. After a few tries, he told me he was really sick and trying to get some rest. I have this weekend off, and so did he, so he said he'd be down after work last night. Last night, knowing he wasn't feeling well I tried to text him and call him to see if he was still coming down or if he was just going to stay there and try and get better. He never answered. He has a habit of doing that, going into radio silence, one of the issues we were trying to work on. Anyway, I stayed up all night waiting for him, finally falling asleep around 5 this morning. Around 9 I woke up, and he wasn't here. So I tried calling him to no avail. By 11 I still hadn't heard from him. No facebook or myspace status updates, no IMs or email, no texts or voicemail. This isn't like him at all. At this point, I start calling other people. Work hasn't seen or heard from him since he left last night, and none of his friends have seen or heard from him since leaving for work yesterday, including his roommate. At this point, I start freaking out. I call the hospitals by his school, the ERs, even the police department to see if he'd been arrested. Nothing. Finally, around noon he called me. And asks - "be honest with me, did you sleep with someone else over the summer?"
Apparently, two days ago an annonymous friend of his told him that over the summer, I'd slept around on him. (the clincher on this is that this "friend" I have found out is also friends with Frank, and I'm trying really hard not to be all conspiracy theory about this). Never mind that Tom knows how I feel about cheating. Never mind that I have given him NO reason to even think that I'd do such a thing. And never mind that after a year together he should know me better than this. But he believes this friend. And uses the sick story as a cover to avoid me.
Cut back to the phone call, I start screaming at him. "how could you even believe this" etc. He responds "how could I not believe it?" At this point, I pretty much went sideways. Can he think so little of me, care so little about me that he would believe this "friend" over me? I've been faithful through everything. I'm not the one that's gone for weeks and months at a time. I'm not the one that doesn't call. I'm not the one that constantly and consistently puts everyone elses needs before my partner's. I'm not the one who's a teenager in college. And STILL I trusted him through it all. He admits that I haven't done anything to make him doubt me. It winds up with me telling him "now that I know you're alive, I've got shit I need to do, so you decide what the fuck you want to do and you let me know." So, he said he needs time. He needs time.
So, I'm pretty much done. He obviously doesn't trust me. Without trust, there's nothing for a relationshp to stand on.
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And i think your conspiracy theory might be not *that* far-fetched, and wtf, world, why you gotta be so sucky?
Let him have his time. Resist the urge to text or call. Let him think about it. And while he is? You, get on with your life. Don't do the whole 'on hold' thing. Just - work, plan, go out, read books, see movies, have a dinner-date with friends, whatever. Don't let emotions get the best of you and hole up in your room.
He'll work his problems out, and then he'll regret being such an asshat.
*hugs you*
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I am so sorry, my Bradling, and I will be thinking of you. I hope that the two of you can work this out and if you can't, I'll be here whenever you need me.
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Thank you. *big hugs*
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I did text him once, then I thought about, and I'm taking your advice. I'm getting on with my life. I can't live it in fear he'll really leave, or in the hopes that he'll come back. Besides, why waste time that I could be productive with? I've been needing some alone time, I guess now I have it.
Really though...can't be too surprised by the turn of events. Things were going too smooth.
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*hugs*
And exactly - you can't live your life with everything pinned on someone else. It's wonderful to *have* someone, but you can't make your happiness hinge on that.
Here if you need me, bay-bee.
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but you're right, trust is very important
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Maybe he just has such little confidence in himself that he thinks no one would want to be faithful for him? I don't know the guy so this is just the most favourable spin I can put on his behaviour from this bit of conversation. He sounds very avoid-y: if you have to check his accounts to see what is going on, maybe he's not ready for a long-term committment after all.
Sorry this has happened.
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