Hyper Little Thoughts

It turns out that my flight was pushed back a day. So I'll be leaving for LA at 9am tomorrow. I'm going there to head up our part of the conference for iRi. It's nothing fancy, but I'm kinda excited about going. Never been out there before. I'll be working tomorrow - monday. Then, Tuesday I have my day off, and I come back 10pm Tuesday night. So I've got an entire day to myself in a new place. I think I might go crazy or something. Sooo looking forward to that one day of vacation.

( I meant for this to be shorter than it turned out. And so, I cut. )

Anyway, I feel totally wierd right now. My eyes are open, things are a lot clearer now. I just knew things would get better again. I guess it's okay to go to the bad place, as long as you don't stay there. And if I've learned anything, it's that we all go there from time to time, but you can't let yourself get sucked into it. I think maybe I'm a stronger person that I give myself credit for, and of course a lot of that has to do with the fact that I do keep some wonderful people around me. And all of your words of wisdom help so much I don't think I can even put words to it. You all have faith in me even when I don't. It's kind of odd and silly, but I'm so thankful that I have all of you guys. *group hug*

Date went very well...

What a beautiful day. I got to sleep in a little before work. The sun is shining, for once. And it's supposed to be almost-warm today (39 - heatwave!). And, I'm feeling good. Nah, I'm feeling pretty great.

It's one of those endless possibility days - where anything can happen. And I think something good'll happen today.

You know, it's kind of funny. Last night on the busirde home from work, I was feeling pretty miserable. All gloomy and down and blah. I looked up, and this woman sitting across from me was looking at me and smiled. Before I could think, I smiled back at her. And all of a sudden, I was feeling so much better. It's pretty cool when you think about it - something as simple as a stranger's smile can make you feel a world of better.

There are things I need to fix, to work on. But it isn't and doesn't have to be overnight. I guess maybe somwhere in the last couple of weeks I lost that confidence I had. Well, it's time to get it back.

I also just registered for the GRE. I want to be in school again, soon.

And, not to beat a dead horse.

But I'm kinda missing Todd tonight.

I knew going that party was a bad idea. I just knew it.

The short story: me and my mom had a huge blowout fight, in which we both said things we shouldn't have. I got so upset, so incredibly hurt and angry that I took off and left her there, telling her that if she doesn't need me, than she can find her own way back to the hotel. And, though I want to make sure she gets home okay, and I wish her well - all of them well - I can't do this anymore. I'm cutting ties.


( The long story: )

She just called and talked a little bit. It'll be okay, but I don't think we'll be as close as we were.

My mom came up afterall. And, while it's nice to have my mom know where I live, and know these people I talk about all the time; have them real in her mind now. It's creepy!

She asked to meet my "male friend," and I told her we broke up, she looked a little sad.

She met my friend Phillip, who is, for back of a better term, too gay to function sometimes. They hit it off, and half an hour later they were exchanging relationship advice and mixed drink recipes. He even invited her to the party he's throwing tonight. I'm not altogether comfortable taking her, and I tried telling him before he blurted it out, but now it's too late. She wants to go. This should be...fun.

The upside is that my mom looks and sounds happier than I've known in a long, long, time.

she really is. she got an mp3 player for christmas, and she's just now figuring out how to use it. so she's been calling every hour today having me walk her through how to do whatever. i just spent a half hour walking her through how to rip a cd, rename it, and transfer it to the player.


also, thoughts and prayers tomorrow would be much appreciated. she has her court date.

I occaisionally make pretty stupid mistakes. This whole Todd fiasco has kinda made me come around and kick myself in the ass. I guess it's true what I always tell people - communication is key, especially in relationships. The whole situation came about because I was having problems and issues, and rather than bring them up and discuss them with him, I bottled it up and kept ignoring it. And then, after getting upset at him one more time, ran to my alkie tendancies. That was the nail in the coffin.

So two problems have come up and slapped me in the face that I need to deal with. The first one - my tendancy to, as both Vive and Phillip have pointed out, focus on everyone but myself. Maybe if I'd been honest with myself and stuck up for myself, none of this would have happened. The second issue is my tendancy towards escapism. I dread confrontation. Just thinking about it makes my stomach do that flippy thing. And, unfortunetely, I've noticed that my escapism is more and more becoming booze. I certainly don't think I'm an alchoholic - but that's what alcoholics say. So, I think the best thing for me to do is to go a while without drinking at all, just to prove to myself I can do it, that I'm not dependant on it.

I have, probably, about 20,000 things to do before 9am, and I really don't want to do any of them. i would much rather sit here in my chair in my hoody and watch TV alone in the dark.

But hey, some good news: I've decided to resign from iRi - believe me, this is a good thing. Also, Vive said she'd put my resume in with her company as an admin, which I think i've got a pretty good chance at getting. I so want to be on the right track here.

AND we're going to Nashville for our birthdays - the weekend before. That'll be a lot of fun. I've never been, and her family is all down there.

Yeah, I'm going to break up with Todd. It's time.

It's a little sad, but for every beginning there's an end. This one's just a little shorter than I'd hoped. Hopefully soon there'll be another beginning.

But in the mean time: life. Fun.

( as much explanation as I can give )

Well, my v-day was two parts: ACTUAL V-day, which I spent with Vive (see! I mentioned you!) and her bestest gal pal, Jill and her brother, at a kick-ass arcade called Dave and Busters. It's kind of like an adult Chuckie Cheese. There's a restaurant and a bar (a couple of them), and then all kinds of games. I kicked Vive's ass at Skiball and air hockey (wilde_moon, we totally have to go here sometime when you come up, you'll love it!), and we kicked some major dinasour ass in the Lost World game. Of course, I sucked at basketball and dance-off. Oh well. We had soooo much fun, I can't wait to do it again. That should be a new v-day tradition, since, apparently, I no longer do the horror movie marathon.

Part Two: Yesterday, me and Todd spent the day together. After getting my hair cut and some errands ran, I picked him up and we took a day trip up to IKEA and did some shopping. I've never been - and, guh! I wouldn't actually buy any of their really expensive stuff, but some of their cheaper stuff is nice for the price. It was kinda nice; we got to play house a little and get a better feel for each other's tastes - incidentally, mine is SO much better than his. After dismantling the gargantuan piece he bought and getting it into my polly pocket-size car, we went for dinner at Outback. We had a little bit of a spat, but all in all the evening turned out pretty well. There's a few things we need to work out, normal relationship type stuff, but I think this'll work.

I hope everyone else had a great day - whether you celebrated it or not. Remember though, you are loved. No matter what.