Okay

Alright. Seriously. I understand that I'm in college. I understand that in college you have to actually do work. And I even get that the teachers I have this quarter are insane in their aptitude to give out gargantuine amounts of homework. But I have been reading, non-stop, minus restroom breaks and *one* meal, since last night at about 9:00. And still I am not done. *still* I have just a little under 500 pages of reading. Due by Monday. And that's not even including the 4 reading question assignments that Mr. I-Know-Everything judaism guy has given me. Nor does it include *all* of the research for my Philosophy Class Final Project. Nor does it even include my Stats SPSS homework. As well, does it include my final project for Gothic Lit? No, it does not. And I still have to memorize the Gettysburg Address by Monday night. *head desk*

I know that I have said this before, but I believe it bears repeating. The quarter system bites. Perhaps it's not so much just the quarter system, as much as it is the quarter system, in use, here, at this school. I would just like to state that I officially hate college. And if I had any belief in the notion that I could survive without getting a degree, and live the life I want, I wouldn't be here.

Thank you.

*le sigh*

I'M DONE!!!!

*cackle* *cough*

Ahhahahahahahaha!!! I finished it. I did, I finished it!!! *bounces all over the freaking room*

Um. I just finished the Witching Hour. Again. Be happy for me.

I love that book. And I hate that book.

The dawn is not far off...

I should be sleeping, I know this. Yet my mind is doing it's usual 10K run. So many things left to do. I wish my brain had an off switch. I wish I could be like Chris and be able to make a concious decision to fall asleep and be able to do it. There's a lot of things I wish. And it's times like these that I'm awake when I should be asleep because I'm exhausted that I remind myself of those wishes. Right now though I think my biggest wish would be to transform myself. I want to reinvent myself, become something different. It's not that I don't like myself or my life. Aside from the stress, I think I'm in a very good place right now. But I'm bored with my life. I do the same thing and speak to the same people every day. Nothing seems to have much meaning to me anymore, except on the rare occasion that I do something spontanious and not in my nature - like the other night hanging out with Tom & Co. I know I'm changing. I know my life will once again be fun. It'll be what I want it to be. I know that. I think I'm just overtired from this quarter. But I don't want this anymore. I don't want to have to answer to anyone but myself. I don't want to deal with papers and projects and presentations and programs and flea markets and statistics and responsibilities and expectations and just...everything. I want to go away and be someone else. Be someone different. Just for a little while. I feel trapped. I'm 20 for christ's sake - I shouldn't feel like my entire future is already planned out and that I can't do what I want. I shouldn't feel stuck. I shouldn't feel like I can't escape this.

I just want to away for a while. Why can't I do that?

Sorry, this is my stream of (un?)conciousness right now. Sleep come soon, please. I need to escape, if only to dreams that torment me.

Um...

Wow. yay Justin! I knew you were better than that!!!

Yeah, just got all caught up on QAF, through episode 4.5.

*sigh*

haHA!

Take that you rotten Bastard, Kamin!!! I have finished all your smithering questions. *evil laugh* So take that and shove it up your tukus!

New Icon!!!

10 kudos to anyone who knows the clip's video.

Hahaha

Sorry...I just had to post this.

> WARNING

chocgood84 is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Here by my side...it's a weapon.

You know, I finally got a chance to look through all these old files I found of my writing. Writing from clear back in freshman year of high school. File after file, page after page. There must be at least a couple hundred pages full of short stories I never finished, poetry, playlettes, essays, speeches and notes on my thoughts at the time. I found the beginning of Red Rose of Winter - a novel(!) that I started in 1999. I got to page 100 and couldn't find anymore. I must have stopped after that. I can't tell you how many pages and pages of unfinished work there is in all of these files. Things I haven't thought about in years. It's gotten me to thinking about where I'm at now.

I used to write. And, dammit, I was good. I won contests and awards. I used to want to be a writer more than anything in the world. It used to be my dream. It used to be my passion. It used to be me.

What happened? When did I give it up? When did I give up my dream? When did I let my realism take over something that was so important to me? I think I remember what happend. I got writer's block. For a while I tried to write, but everything I wrote turned out to be crap. But why didn't that just make me work even harder? Going back through all of these makes me really sad. Because I realize now I have no dreams. All I dream about now is just being done with school. Yes, I want to be a psychologist. Yes, I want to help people. But it's not my dream. It's something I know I'll be good at, and something I know I'll make a fortune at. But that doesn't mean it's everything I want. When did this happen to me? When did I give in? It must have been when I grew up. And got "real". I don't want to be real anymore. I want to have that innocent belief that I can do whatever I want and be able to survive. I want to again believe that all I need to make it in life is a pen and some paper. I guess that's the price. I feel really crappy and souless right now.