Here by my side...it's a weapon.

[synapticjava]

You know, I finally got a chance to look through all these old files I found of my writing. Writing from clear back in freshman year of high school. File after file, page after page. There must be at least a couple hundred pages full of short stories I never finished, poetry, playlettes, essays, speeches and notes on my thoughts at the time. I found the beginning of Red Rose of Winter - a novel(!) that I started in 1999. I got to page 100 and couldn't find anymore. I must have stopped after that. I can't tell you how many pages and pages of unfinished work there is in all of these files. Things I haven't thought about in years. It's gotten me to thinking about where I'm at now.

I used to write. And, dammit, I was good. I won contests and awards. I used to want to be a writer more than anything in the world. It used to be my dream. It used to be my passion. It used to be me.

What happened? When did I give it up? When did I give up my dream? When did I let my realism take over something that was so important to me? I think I remember what happend. I got writer's block. For a while I tried to write, but everything I wrote turned out to be crap. But why didn't that just make me work even harder? Going back through all of these makes me really sad. Because I realize now I have no dreams. All I dream about now is just being done with school. Yes, I want to be a psychologist. Yes, I want to help people. But it's not my dream. It's something I know I'll be good at, and something I know I'll make a fortune at. But that doesn't mean it's everything I want. When did this happen to me? When did I give in? It must have been when I grew up. And got "real". I don't want to be real anymore. I want to have that innocent belief that I can do whatever I want and be able to survive. I want to again believe that all I need to make it in life is a pen and some paper. I guess that's the price. I feel really crappy and souless right now.

Comments

[caviling]

In high school, I wrote plays like a madman. I had 'em performed at school, and I was performed fairly frequently by a local playwrights' competition.

The last "real" play I finished was my freshman year of college. Because I was taking a creative-writing thingie.

I've been busy. I don't write much, creatively, any more. But I console myself with the knowledge that I've learned and grown a lot during the last three years, and when I have time again, I know the talent and the drive will still be there.
It's just being applied to academics right now.

Don't worry. You'll be back.

Yeah

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

But I'm so afraid that if I get the chance to get back to it, I'll find that I don't have that talent anymore. I really feel like school is sucking the life out of me.

Re: Yeah

[caviling]

It's enervating now, but it's also character-building and good for you and all that shite.

It'll be there; I don't think talent is killable. : )

Re: Yeah

[misspandypants.livejournal.com]

Hi, I hope you don't mind me posting, it's just that what you wrote is so exactly what I'm going through at the moment! Yesterday I needed to reinstall my computer and as I was backing everything up I found my old short stories folder, and there must have been about a thousand seperate stories/poems there. I hadn't written anything that wasn't for school since last year! I felt so terrible, I didn't know where that part of me had gone, I hadn't really even realised that it was happening. And the worst part is I haven't read a real fiction book since last year either, for some reason I've been reading non-fiction. So last night when I realised how awful it was that I wasn't writing any more, I decided to write a story, and everything just came flooding back. So the point (lol now I get to the point) is that maybe if you give it a go, and just set aside half an hour and write a little something, you'll rekindle that writing flame?
Hope I haven't offended by posting,
-Pants
(I saw your handle and it looked familiar, so I thought I'd sneak in and have a look around)

no no:P

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

I always think it's cool when "strangers" stumble across and read my LJ. Although I think you might be mistaken:P I don't write fanfic (I tried and it was horrid!). I actually got my handle from one of *my* favorite fics, Chocolatey Goodness *points to the left links* by Mad Poetess.

In any matter, thanks for commenting. I'm sure you're right. One of my short stories that I found, I took out yesterday. I never finished it. And I was thinking what a great beginning it would be for a story I'm turning in to my Gothic Lit class. Anyhoo, I started again writing on it yesterday, and I got quite a few pages into it, looked back and discovered that I could do it again!

So I guess I just need the time to brush up on it and whatnot:P

Anyhoo, thanks:)

Re: Yeah

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I kinda found out last night. I guess it's still there. It's just really intimidating. Wow, that's a first. I've intimidated *myself*. Anyway, thanks for the words 'o wisdom:D

Re: Yeah

[caviling]

Any time, Bradlington.