The dawn is not far off...

[synapticjava]

I should be sleeping, I know this. Yet my mind is doing it's usual 10K run. So many things left to do. I wish my brain had an off switch. I wish I could be like Chris and be able to make a concious decision to fall asleep and be able to do it. There's a lot of things I wish. And it's times like these that I'm awake when I should be asleep because I'm exhausted that I remind myself of those wishes. Right now though I think my biggest wish would be to transform myself. I want to reinvent myself, become something different. It's not that I don't like myself or my life. Aside from the stress, I think I'm in a very good place right now. But I'm bored with my life. I do the same thing and speak to the same people every day. Nothing seems to have much meaning to me anymore, except on the rare occasion that I do something spontanious and not in my nature - like the other night hanging out with Tom & Co. I know I'm changing. I know my life will once again be fun. It'll be what I want it to be. I know that. I think I'm just overtired from this quarter. But I don't want this anymore. I don't want to have to answer to anyone but myself. I don't want to deal with papers and projects and presentations and programs and flea markets and statistics and responsibilities and expectations and just...everything. I want to go away and be someone else. Be someone different. Just for a little while. I feel trapped. I'm 20 for christ's sake - I shouldn't feel like my entire future is already planned out and that I can't do what I want. I shouldn't feel stuck. I shouldn't feel like I can't escape this.

I just want to away for a while. Why can't I do that?

Sorry, this is my stream of (un?)conciousness right now. Sleep come soon, please. I need to escape, if only to dreams that torment me.