Hyper Little Thoughts

Fire and lightening scorches midnight skies.
The souls of strangers look for hidden stars.
Yet with tears of dust we keep up the lies.

Pregnant with pain, deaf ears hear muffled cries.
Bound with chains, our fears are cage bars.
Fire and lightening scorches midnight skies.

The life inside us is worth all our tries,
But no life can forget the deaths of ours.
Yet with tears of dust we keep up the lies.

New morning breaks give light to all that dies,
Bodies decaying in the trunks of cars,
Fire and lightening scorches midnight skies.

Graves of mud and fruit infected with flies,
Nothing safe, nothing known, we’re all liars.
Yet with tears of dust we keep up the lies.

These are my nightmares I wake from with sighs,
I fear our future, because in our hearts,
Fire and lightening scorches midnight skies.
The souls of strangers look for hidden stars.

In a not-suprising turn of events, nature has given me her death glare, resulting in my lungs exploding, my head caving in, and my nose turning into a constant drip. I'm coughing up things that no one should ever cough up. In other words, in the year that I've lived in Chicago, I've apparently become deadly allergic to everything that floats, sways, or swings in the breeze. And looking out the window and seeing the cottonwood crap flying through the air just makes my body go into convulsions.

Haven't been able to sleep more than 15 minutes at a time in about a week, either as a result of my allergies or the bad bad dreams I'm having. Like, horrible horrible dreams where I lose a limb or every person I have ever met dies painfully and horribly. Don't even ask about the one involving a giant lobster. *cringe* It appears that my theory about slowing going mad is aboslutely correct.

I found out this weekend that two more friends have tested positive in the last week. At this point, I'm scared out of my mind (not so much that I have it, but that you never know who else might have it). So I'm going on an abstinence strike. As it is, I'm at a little over 4 months for full-on man sex, but now I'm abstaining from anything involving another person that isn't confined to hands-above-the-waist, clothes on, action. I've gone out every night the past four nights (it was International Male Leather here in Chicago this weekend, which draws about 20,000 leathermen/bears/followers from around the world to Chicago for 4 crazy days), and each night more than one guy has tried to pick me up. Tried to. As in, I turned them down. I'm still going to go out when I want to, but I'm definetely cutting down on the drinking because I tend to get naughty after too many cocktails. And I don't want that to lead to ...you know, that.

I graduate in 13 days. Does anyone have some valluim I could borrow? Because my brain = death right now.

Things to do for today before tomorrow: write two 5 page papers that were due 2 weeks ago (thank god for forgiving teachers); re-read The Color Purple; write another short story and send it off for workshop; re-write my previous short story; come up with three more poems (sidebar: he hates my poetry. he says I'm a)too vague, b)trying too hard, c)trying to be too creative[wtf?], and d)"generally a bad poetry writer". to each of these, I say: fuck off); research diversity in LGBT Mediterranean people (help!?); write a response/reflection paper; clean up my apartment so that next weekend when I cleanse it for family approval, it won't take forever (is Chicago ready for the Kimbels to come to town? I'm thinking no: just imagine National Lampoon's Family Vacation via Chicago via Roseanne. Scarey); try not to have a stroke.

So, sorry if I'm not around so much (commenting, posting, and such). I just DONT have any time right now.

I really think I've lost my mind. Either that or I have a severe chemical imbalance. I'm so over-emotional lately. The tiniest thing can cause the biggest mood swing. I'm fairly certain it's because I'm kind of overwhelmed right now by...er, everything. I'm definetely feeling that need to get away vibe again. And I don't mean just going home to visit family. I don't think I'm working next weekend, maybe I'll take a drive up to Lake Geneva and camp out for a few days, clear my head. Then I can come back and finish everything up and be back to my better self.

Yesterday I had an event in Lake Forest, and I drove around Barat a couple of times. It was so erie to see it so deserted, but they haven't done anything yet. Sister Patsie's curtains are still hanging up in the back room. It's strange to think that only a year ago I was leaving there and coming here. It feels like everything that happened there was just a dream.

I've been wandering around my apartment since I got home this morning, cleaning things here and there, but mostly just walking, and thinking, and remembering things I'd forgotten.

My sister called to tell me our dog is lost. He's been gone since 8 last night. My mom can't stop crying, and I can't think about it right now. I just can't. Thank god, they found him.

I think I'm going to finish my homework and go have a drink.

I just spent the last half hour sniffling and sobbing. I recieved my formal letter of congratulations from DePaul University today, with all the information about graduation. It's really happening. I'm really going to graduate. In 27 days, it's all going to be done.

I just don't know what to feel. Aside from overwhelmed.

Just. Wow.

Hey y'all of my Chicago people,

Should have posted this sooner, but been a little busy.

My birthday party is going to be tonight (wednesday) at Gentry, at 9pm. Come and drink and be merry with me!

You know what's funny? Since I've started this whole "not out for a relationship" thing, I've had many a guy trying to land me. I don't say this with pride or arrogance; I say this with annoyance. The guys I've been attracting lately have been d-grade guys. Not that I'm better than them by any means, I'm just saying that they're not the sort of people I should get involved with. For instance: a crystal queen, an achoholic, a player, a married guy, and a few assorted others. I realize that to find a prince, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but at this point, what.ever.

The truth is, I'm just really lonely right now. I'm so busy that I don't get to actually spend time with anyone - friends or otherwise. And my friends, lately, have been...preoccupied.

I realized tonight that I don't have anyone to share the upcoming special stuff with. My birthday, graduation, whatever. And it kinda sucks. Of course, this is all relative. I'll be surrounded by friends and people who love me, and I'm sure everything will work out and be fine. I've just, lately, been in kind of a mood I can't quite shake off. I wanna be all cool and "tra la la" but at least, for the moment, I want to wallow in being completely and totally ughed-out. But I can't really talk to anyone about it, so I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it. I can't really talk about anything, anymore.

It's wierd, isn't it? The more open I become, the less I can speak.

Figured I would do a quick update before my class; one that isn't about alcohol. Heh.

1) I am sore in all the wrong spots today. Wimpering, bruised, watery-eyed puppy dog kinda pain. Last night was slam city at work. We rang almost $900 in about 5 hours with only me and Will working. To give you an idea - we normally ring about $1200 on a Saturday night with 4 people working. I didn't stop running/moving from 9 until 3 last night. Insane. But I'm making deliciously good money, so I can't complain too much.

2) I'm about to recieve my critiques in my creative writing class on that short story I wrote. I'm nervous as hell. I'm the only one in the class that a)wrote about an "alternative" lifestyle, and b)wrote about something other than a drunk, abusive father or dead puppy. In the critiquing session, we're not allowed to respond to what's being said to us, and everyone's allowed free range to say what they want about the stories. Not feeling too optimistic about this, truth be told.

3) Dr. Dave still hasn't called - should I be worried? Mark came in last night and started to play his "you didn't call me so I stood you up last week" game, and I pretty much just told him to fuck off. I don't have time for people who play games. Especially when it's that kinda BS. What.Ever. I found out that Michael was crazier than even I thought. And I've had 4 offers in the last two days to "party" with different...groups...of guys. Um, no. Just, no. In short, men suck.

4) Eep! Only one week until my b-day, and 5 weeks till graduation. WTF? When did this happen?

5) *sigh* It's so pretty outside and I'm stuck in class all day. I think I'll skip my LGBT class again tonight; just as well - I didn't finish the midterm paper yet. Ah, well. Shit happens.

Here's the short story I'm turning in today for my Creative Writing workshop. It sucks, I know, but I just started it three hours ago.

( Queen Victoria )

Once again, my creative writing ASSHOLE professor strikes again. Our latest assignment is was a free-write open poem that had to have an intentional form. Then we had to have a consultation with him so he could proof it before we turn in a final copy. This is what I came up with:

Here at Home
Bombs are raining from the sky,
diving to the earth.
Wars are raging through the world,
in every nation.
Famine plagues the population
in every empire.
Clean water cannot be found
in rivers, lakes, streams.

But here at home
all is as should be:
Boys and men kill each other
for any reason.
They seek to destroy themselves
to not be destroyed.
Women, young girls starve themselves
to look too perfect.
They cry crystal tears that crack
their perfect faces.

Elsewhere things are horrible,
as we have been told.
Everywhere else things are bad;
we should feel lucky.

But here at home
all is as should be.

( My commentary on this piece, and then his comments on this piece. )

Yup, it sure is. I know I've been kinda scarce, lately, save for the occaisional rant/whine posts. But actually, things haven't been SO bad lately.

Guys: Where to start. Michael (they guy I let down as gently as possible a couple weeks back) has turned into a hands-down stalker boy, and it's getting a little irritating. He's scared off 3 guys this past week, alone. Definetely going to have a chat with him. As for Mark, the guy I broke it off with Michael for, we've decided that for now, we're friends. I don't want to be his rebound guy, and he doesn't want to lead me on (is anyone else noticing a pattern with the guys I've been interested in?). California (his name is also Michael, so I'm calling him Cali) has been coming around more and more often, and I think he might have something going for me, which would be cool, but I'm so not in date mode right now. There's also Phillip, who walked me home the other night. I had to fight every urge to just throw him against a wall and start making out with him. There's also a few other random guys trying to get a spot on my dance card. **No worries to any of my LJ mums - I haven't touched a one of them!** I just think it's funny that the minute I turn off date mode, it's like someone flipped a switch that turned me into some kind of homo beacon.

School: What else is there to say but "yick"? My classes suck - all of them. Well, maybe not my Film and Lit course, but the rest of them, yes. My creative writing professor has ripped my work to shreds, and kicked me down to shit level - telling me how bad my stuff is, how amateur my writing is, and how I can never be a "real writer" like him. I just laughed. I don't want to be a "real writer" if it means being like him, or writing like him. Doesn't he know anything about style? My style is my own, and I rather like how I write, thank you very much. I'm getting a fucking C in his class, and that pisses me off something awful. But again; whatever. If he's a "real writer" - no thanks, I'm throw my pens and paper away. Moving on...

Work and Home: Work has been...work. I love bartending, but I hate cocktailing now. I get to interact with the customers more behind the bar; and I get tipped hell of a lot better. I've been run kinda ragged the last few weeks, though. But I have tomorrow and Sunday off (yay!). I have to write a bunch of papers and assignments for school though (boo!). And I desperately need to clean and do laundry. I have like nothing to wear or eat off of. It's kinda gross. Ah, it's the bachelor's life for me, it is. I'm looking forward to the summer, because I'm going to get rid of a bunch of shit, do a DEEP cleaning of my place, get some new furniture, and paint. And definetely clean my carpet, because - yuck. Since I can't move, I'm going to do the next best thing: redecorate. How gay am I?

Speaking of summer, it is fast approaching. My *eep* b-day's in a couple of weeks, and graduation is only a couple of weeks after that. I just ordered my cap and gown, and I need to pick up some graduation announcements. I would love the fancy university-sponsored ones, but they're so freakin expensive. I can't believe it's coming so fast. But yet - not fast enough. I have senioritis so bad, it hurts. I'm almost done; and that's crazy to think about. I really should sit down and do my resume again and start sending it out - but I want to take some time and just do my own thing with no school or "real job" to take up my time. Seems stupid, because I've spent all this time and money on getting a degree and for the moment I don't want to use it. I just want some time for myself - my own time that I don't owe anyone else for a little while. Whatever.

So it's a beautiful day today. Went for a walk this afternoon around the neighborhood, and was reminded again why I love it. Sitting here in the park, on my wi-fi, sipping my Chocolate Cooler from Cruise-n-Brew. But it's almost time to go home and get ready for work.

Hope everyone else is well!