Okay, so the mood is much better. It helps that it's about 48° outside and whitewashed gray with big black clouds. You know that's my perfect day. Yay! Also, I said something to my manager, Joe, about Joel's comments the other day about the raises and whatnot, and Joe flipped out about it. It turns out that they did not, in fact, all get raises. Only Joel did. And it was only because he was supposed to get one 6 months ago and it never came. So he's rubbing it in my face just to be mean. Lame. Joe's pretty not-happy about it. It's just not kosher to tell your coworkers about stuff like that; it's an HR issue.

AND my vacation starts tomorrow when I leave work. 4.5 hours after I blow out of there I should be coasting into the QCs with a suitcase and a smile, and prezzies for the kids. Depending on how the drive goes tomorrow, I may be flying home for Thanksgiving/Xmas. I'm not exactly looking forward to awkward moments between myself and the rents on matters of school, work, and the ex. But I am def. looking forward to hanging out with friends, some serious R&R, chillin with the fam, and of course, meeting my nephew! He's so cute, I got to see a couple of pictures of him. I need to go out and by things for him. This child will not go unspoiled, I tell you.

I want to wake up
and know that I am me,
whomever me should be
and understand that the me I am
doesn’t have to be any one him or thing.

I want to open my eyes
and see the world changed
but still the same
with eyes clear and unglazed
by tears or sleep or pain or tiredness.

I want to touch
with fingers unmarked
by flame or bruise or blade
and feel the wet breeze against
my drowning flesh.

I want to taste
without the familiar ash
of longing and sour regret
glued against my tongue
and drink deep this life.

I want to sleep deep
and guarded against the night
without dreams of what once was
and never will be
and without this numbness creeping into me.

So today was actually not any better. I'm kinda in a worse mood. Maybe the trip home will make me feel better, but I'm actually dredding it. The only reason I'm going, at this point, is to see my nephew. The last time I saw my family, Frank was there. I'm kind of embarassed. That's foolish and stupid, I know. I'm totally superfreak EMO right now. I'm trying to write through it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm just starting to feel like I did in Chicago, which is frightening. Tomorrow night I'm going over to Justin & Cari's new place for dinner and beer, though, so I'm sure that'll put me in a better mood.

Again, it's temporary. This frown'll turn upside down. I think the changing season is freaking me out. I didn't think it'd be like this. I guess nothing ever is, though, right?

And now, because I *finally* bought some bubbles, I'm going to take a nice long bath.

Ye Gods.

So exhausted. But Inventory is over. And it went off without a hitch. My DM even pulled me aside and made a big deal about thanking me for all my hard work and how it wouldn't have gone so well without me. So did both the auditor and the other store manager that was there helping us out. Phil was running around like an asshat, as per usual. And I met my new boss (big and dumb...this should go well). I think it went pretty well. Not to mention, it was pretty nice running the show.

I saw pictures today of little Ethan. He's soooo cute! I'm taking my camera with me when I go visit, so be prepared for nephew!spam.

Ooookay. It's definetely time for me to get some sleep.

At least it's over. I can breathe again.

That's the code for the original Sega's Sonic the Hedgehog. Amazing, isn't it, the things we remember for no apparent reason?

I managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before it got too hot and the afternoon sun woke me up. I feel like crap. And I look about as bad as I feel. All pale and pasty with the circles. Ugh. Thank god this week is almost over. After Saturday, I won't have to ever do another overnight. yay! I'm so looking forward to my vacation. I think tonight I might just throw myself off the loft, just to get some peace and sleep. Mmm. Sleep. Tonight, 10-10am. Tomorrow, 10-10am. Sat 3pm - inventory end (probably around 1am). Sun, 8am-7pm. Mon-thurs 4am-noon and I'll be training my new boss. And then 5 whole not-OMax days. If I make it that long.

Can I be 4 again?

OTOH: Nephew!

So...sleep didn't happen. I've been up since 6 this morning. And I'm heading into a 12 hour overnight shift at work.

This should be fun. I'm excited, how bout you?

Why can't it understand that it needs to turn off so i can sleep, before work. Boo. I blame this on the worst case of writer's block I've ever had.

On the other hand...THRILLER!

First and foremost: The word "Oktoberfist" is just...bad. And wrong. And...bad. I'm not judging the...players?...I'm just saying...Reading that makes my eyeballs hurt.

Second: Just because someone responds appreciatively to a nice greeting such as, "hey, great profile; you seem pretty cool," does not mean it is okay to immediately respond with either asking,"what are you into?", or a picture of one's self that would make even...well, me...cringe.

Third: Chatting does not = marriage. IMing with a guy for a couple weeks back and forth does not give one the right to be jealous if the other one has actual real live people to spend time with. It also does not mean that the involved parties are planning to wed and have a million gay babies. Chill out.

Fourth: "Hanging out" does not always entail nekkid olympics.

Fifth: "Friends" sometimes means just that - friends. And sometimes, that means there's no sexual tension, no crude innuendos, and no questions such as "how hung are you?" exchanged.

Sixth: Do we all have to be so passive agressive? If you're pissed, be pissed and say so. If you're hurt, be hurt and say so. Strap on a pair, men - aren't we supposed to be pre-equipped with those accessories?

Seven: I know from personal experience that it's not the hetero homo-haters we have to watch out for - it's our own group. WTF? If you don't like something or someone, don't like them. But not liking someone or something is not a valid reason to crap all over it/them or react violently to it/them. Get a grip and ask yourself: is that really harming me? Or if you're going to respond negatively to it, at least say that this is what *you* think. This is what *you* feel.

Eight: one of the greatest and most unique things about the LGBT community in general is that it's so fluid; we don't have to conform to any group/lable/ideal that we don't want. There will always be someone who appreciates who you are and what you do. And there will always be someone who does not. Honestly, isn't it just easier to be who you are and live and let live? If you want to be a fag, queer, sissy, slut, "str8", bi, "fluid", butch, dyke, bitch, queen, just do it. You're the one that has to look at your reflection, not anyone else.

Neighbors suck.

So much for that sleep I kinda needed.

If there's one good thing that's come out of this job, it's that I am once again a morning person, and an early morning person at that. I love getting up early on my days off (6am is technically early, but think about this: I'm still sleeping in by 3 hours), before the sun rises. Making my coffee with the kitchen light on, looking out the back door. It's always so still and calm. It's a great way to start my day.

Plans for today include looking at a multitude of graduate schools, and requesting every scrap of information that I can. I'm hoping to narrow down to my decision here in about 2 weeks (it's crunch time in academia - worst time possible to be thinking about school), so that I can send off for letters of recommendation, records, etc. I know that my first choice school is University of Washington in Seattle (yay, cavaling!, thanks for the tip!) because they've got the perfect program for me. Also, the location is ideal. Out west I'm also looking at Berkely & San Diego. Here in the midwest, I'm looking at Wisconsin, SIU (Illinois), Indiana University, Purdue, University of Iowa. East coast I'm browsing through Boston, North Carolina, and Virginia.

I also need to call and register myself for the GRE - hopefully it won't take TOO long to get my results. Which also means that I need to go to the bookstore and pick up study materials. Hopefully I'll be taking that in a couple of weeks as well.

This is nice - I have some sort of direction. Amazing the clarity that comes with it. It's also weird to be thinking about being back in school, and prepping for it. I just hope I get accepted somewhere. If I don't, it might break my heart.