(no subject)

So today was actually not any better. I'm kinda in a worse mood. Maybe the trip home will make me feel better, but I'm actually dredding it. The only reason I'm going, at this point, is to see my nephew. The last time I saw my family, Frank was there. I'm kind of embarassed. That's foolish and stupid, I know. I'm totally superfreak EMO right now. I'm trying to write through it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm just starting to feel like I did in Chicago, which is frightening. Tomorrow night I'm going over to Justin & Cari's new place for dinner and beer, though, so I'm sure that'll put me in a better mood.

Again, it's temporary. This frown'll turn upside down. I think the changing season is freaking me out. I didn't think it'd be like this. I guess nothing ever is, though, right?

And now, because I *finally* bought some bubbles, I'm going to take a nice long bath.

crisis adverted

Amazing. One scalding hot bubble bath with citrus scented foam and cinnamon toast scented candles, and I feel about 100% better. Yes. Apparently I am a woman.

At least I'm feeling a little less tense.

I Want

I want to wake up
and know that I am me,
whomever me should be
and understand that the me I am
doesn’t have to be any one him or thing.

I want to open my eyes
and see the world changed
but still the same
with eyes clear and unglazed
by tears or sleep or pain or tiredness.

I want to touch
with fingers unmarked
by flame or bruise or blade
and feel the wet breeze against
my drowning flesh.

I want to taste
without the familiar ash
of longing and sour regret
glued against my tongue
and drink deep this life.

I want to sleep deep
and guarded against the night
without dreams of what once was
and never will be
and without this numbness creeping into me.