hehe

Happy Easter to those that celebrate.

I think it's funny that when people ask what you're doing for a holiday, and you say nothing. Then everyone wants to give you food or have you come over to their family's house for dinner. It's really nice. I still need to call home and talk to people, holiday and everything. And then I shall enjoy my Easter. Speghettios, Bottled Water, Yogurt for desert, and finishing the Mysteries of Udolpho (*growl*). Alone. *sigh*

blashphemers

why oh why isn't there a study guide *anywhere* for Mysteries of Udolpho? *whimper* It's taken me a week to read to page 140 and I have to read to 340 by tomorrow *cries* I hate victorian literature. I hate it i hate it i hate it!!! And I HATE IT!!! AHHHHHH

"How big is your cock?"

Man, I have so lost what little faith I had gay men. Permenately, I fear. Why are people so apt to just fuck each other? I don't freaking get it. It's not what I want. I don't understand how that's what anyone wants. Yeah, I used to do that, but that was the typical "comming out and be slutty" phase that 80% of us go through. It was a learning experience. I'm just a little disheartened that that is all anyone seems to care about anymore - where they kind find their next piece of ass. How can anyone claim that annonymous one-time fucking around is anywhere near as good as when there are emotions involved? Why is sex what seems to drive *everyone*? Why is it so important? Why does it control so much? Why don't more people ask these questions or feel this way? It has been my experience that sex with just anyone, while sometimes fun, isn't nearly the extremely beautiful and sensuous thing it can be when you care about the person, when they care about you. When you catch their eyes and you have this bond and everything in the entire world just makes sense. When you are that close with someone that nothing else even matters. When it physically hurts you how much you love that person. How you want to just wrap your body so tightly around them that you become apart of them...That warmth that comes with arms around you and on you and the touch and the kiss and the whispers. How is just raw emotionless getting off anywhere near what making love is? Can someone explain this to me? Please? Because I don't get it. I don't want it. I want the tenderness and the passion and racing pulse and the flushed skin and the swollen lips and that feeling, that incredible feeling. I don't want to settle for less than that. I wouldn't think anyone else would. But I guess I'm wrong...

I'm tired of feeling nothing, good bye...

"You've been waiting a long time
To fall down on your knees
Cut your hands
Cut yourself until you bleed
Fall asleep next to me
Wait for everyone to go away
And in a dimly lit
room where you've got nothing to hide
Say your goodbyes "

Such an amazing and beautiful song. So I'm down to just "Black and Blue" and "Carraige" on repeat. I honestly believe that music is one of the most important things to me. It makes me feel things. It helps me clarify my thoughts and my feelings and even my actions sometimes. It provides me with a sense of amazement and wonder. It helps me to remember things. Ellen knew what she was saying when she said that music transports you. I think my life wouldn't be the same if I didn't have music to listen to. I'm just sayin :P

So, today. Uh, well, it was just another day to me. I called home and talked to my Grandma. Then I called my mom. We talked for like two hours. I love that we have such a great relationship now. I really hate that we're so far apart and that we can't enjoy it as much as we might. But then I realize that perhaps we have such a good relationship because we're apart. Me and Mom just have too many similarities to live together for any legnth of time before we drive each other batty. But that's okay. Anyway, she told me that my grandpa went into the hospital for a couple days a couple weeks ago, right after I got back from spring break. No one fucking called me. Grandma said that she didn't want to worry me. I told her that I wanted to worry about him and that if anything ever happens they need to let me know. I've come to love my family so much I don't know what I'll do if something happens to them. Even Ashley (my snotty bitch of a sister) and maybe even Brian (don't ask). I think I've finally come to that point where I understand the importance of family. I may not always agree with their actions or words or ideas. I may not even have much in common with them. But they are still my roots. They're still where I come from. And I've come to realize that even though sometimes I wish I could, you can't change that. And shouldn't. And there's no reason to be ashamed of where you come from. I know that now.

Um, still got 150 pages to read of Mysteries of Udolpho before 5:30 tomorrow. Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. I still have to work on the budget for BGLTS which should be easy, but still. As well as read for philosophy and make a posting. And read and do my assignment for Stats. It wouldn't be so bad except that I *did* actually work on shit this weekend instead of blowing it off like I usually do. Mysteries is just really really hard to read. Grr. Eh well...one quiz won't bring me down that much. I hope. Oh yay, Judaism is cancelled tomorrow because of Passover. Yay Passover! Well, er, you know what I mean.