So I was going to do my annual year-in-review, but I decided I'm too tired to do it. And really, what's the point. Jan - Dec = the sucketh. The end. Actually I was going to go into detail about how if there's anything that's good coming out of this year it's that I'm a lot closer with my family and that I've finally learned that true friends are the ones that stick by you through everything. And I can definetely say that despite everything else going horribly wrong, I do at least have that: good friends who love me, and a family that I can be proud of, even when their at their most disgraceful. In the real world, that's more than many people can dream of.

I'm so tired. I opened all this week at work, and I'm opening all next week. Then the following week I'm closing. As of Wednesday, I'll be in OT. This time I won't be stupid and give it all to the bank. Speaking of work, I'm officially done with training. I have my assessment on Tuesday. I also got my action plan today, which is the paperwork necessary for me to move up a level by may. I'll have another assessment mid-may to decide whether i can move up or if I need to stay where I'm at. But our territory VP is pushing to move me up. So, that's good news. Ironic that I chose today to resume my res-you-may posting and search for a "real" job.

Alright, I guess I'll head out. I've got about a thousand things to do this weekend while I'm off work, and sitting here in the cafe waiting for my prince to come is not going to get them done.

In the mean time, anyone who's worried about me, thank you. But I'll get through this, I'm a trooper. After all, what else can I do?

Holidays cards: if you want one, go here.

Otherwise, I've decided we should live in a world where we don't need teeth. They're dumb. yes, I'm still in tooth!hell

A strange man sat next to me on the train today and asked for my number. I told him no, but still - kinda neat.

I've become re-addicted to Wicked. What I want more than anything for Xmas, besides the last year of my life back, is tickets to see it. Chicago is reportedly the best cast there is, and I wanna see it while it's still hot.

Got a few Spander-related tricks up my sleeve - beware. Jello is involved. Be askeered. Be very askeered.

I'm exhausted - my tooth kept me up all night last night.

There's some big stuff brewing, which I don't want to jinx. But I just put my name in the hat to head up a new OMax opening up in Seatle next fall. They also tipped me towards the Virgin Islands. I have to finish out my 6 months where I'm at, but after that, it's kind of been passed along that corporate would like me in a bigger position. So, cool.

My back tooth finally gave in. I'm taking a bottle of tylenol every 4 days. Dr. Poulus said I'd have to have surgery to have it taken out. Originally we were going to try and save it, but now I want it OUT. It hurts so bad I started bawling on the train yesterday. The only problem is that I have no insurance yet, and no place will take me unless I give them money upfront, which I don't have. So I may have to live with this until February *cries*.

Random updates while the shower warms up:

Had a few bad days, but now I'm feeling a little better. I'm sleeping all the time now, though. When I'm not at work, I'm in bed. The upshot is that I've pretty much stopped drinking. Phillip came back from Europe the other night, and we went out. I had a few martinis, and was gone. I realized I really dont like the feeling of being drunk. Maybe I'm burnt out on it or maybe I'm growing up a little bit, but it just doesn't hold the same allure anymore.

Phillip has made it his mission to get me married off by Christmas. I just laughed.

44 days until this hellish year is over. Maybe next year is my year.

I see steam, so the shower must be ready. Time to go to work.

Someone told me I'm a morbid person. Hmm...

Escape
Sodium vapor lights soar overhead, tinting the starless night orange and gold, fading to brown and purple. The great lake, its cresting waves slapping against the guardrail, whispers my name as I glide down the drive beside it. On my left, the city rushes past me like a great train, screaming its city whistles of traffic and citizens. The top down, the wind rips its frigid fingers through the tangles in my hair, its kisses stinging my cheeks.

I am screaming through the night with reckless speed and hopeless abandon.

If only I could escape myself with such ease.

Scatter
Crisp and bitter leaves scatter in the wake of the speeding car, drawn behind it with a magician’s wand. Bitter and broken, they crack and whisper as they are pulled along, rushing and somersaulting in the air, churning end over end. Each of the tiny crestfallen pinwheels crash and scrape against each other, casting scattered shadows in the brittle golden daylight.

As the wake weakens, thins, and dies, nature’s fragile paper maché returns with boredom to dew-slick asphalt, content to be drawn as still again in death’s silent sketch, forgetting or not knowing how close they were to escaping.

So, I've decided to kinda make this a regular thing:) At least twice a week I'm gonna come down here to the cafe and order a coffee (it's $1.25) and sit here and be online again. It's nice, having this back a little bit. Especially since it kinda seems like other things are on-track-worthy. Not wanting to jinx myself, though. And also not gonna give myself a happy high, because then its bad too. But I'd have to say that for now...I'm content. I've got this great guy in my life that I can't stop thinking about. Starting monday, I'll have this new job that I might hate but I'll be making more money than ever. I'm writing again. I'm mostly back in the world, but under my terms. Getting some new friends, even. Gabriel from HD and I are going to hang out Halloween with our respective boyfriends and watch the parade if I get home from work early enough. And Philip will be back from Europe in a couple days! You know it's funny considering how we grew to be such good friends.

And for the best news yet: My dad's being released from the nursing home! He's being released under my grandmother's care because there aren't any stairs at her place. My mom's a little upset about that, that she still can't have him home. But they decided it's the best decision. He's not allowed to put any weight on his bad leg, he can't climb stairs, and they pretty much told him he's never going to work again outside of an office. But he's alive, he can walk. They hired someone to replace him as main contractor, so now he can focus on running the business.

You know, I just finished reading Dean Koontz's From The Corner of his Eye. Fundamentally, it's a book about quantum physics and the saint, Barthalomew, and how the lesson of his life is the chain of reactions ripples through everything, so that even a bird taking flight in China could cause a tornado here. I guess through all of this...( minidiscussion of spirituality under the cut )

Anyway, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Sunny, warming up (though still fall crispy), and I have to go to work. Last day, though, because I think I'm calling in tomorrow to spend with my baby. He gets back tonight and is supposed to call me. See...if you could see, I've got this huge smile on.

I signed the paperwork this morning, making me an official OfficeMax employee. My last day at Home Depot will be Sunday. Apparently they're throwing a little party for me (wierd; I've only been there a couple months). Free pizza! And Sunday's also the next time I get to see Neil:(. He left town today to go stay with a friend who has tickets to see Pet Shop Boys in concert. Jealous, I am. Missing him, oh yeah.

I called in sick to work today because it's cold and rainy and the perfect day to stay home and bake cookies and drink cocoa and watch TV. Even if I can't snuggle with my honey while doing it.

Okay, I'm off. I'm going to go home and pop some popcorn, do a load of laundry, and watch a couple movies. Love y'all.

P.S. If you haven't heard of this band, check them out. Neil turned me onto them and they're amazing.

Okay, so I figured since I've got the weekend off (yay!), I'd sludge down the street to my Caribou Coffee (mm...campfire mocha), grab a cup o' joe, and play around online for a bit.

Not a whole lot of new news. I keep forgetting what I posted last, so a pretty overview: me and Sam are 100% done. We had a big blowout. I called him a child, decided it was time a decision was made, so there's that. Now there's someone new. Neil. We've only had one date, but he seems nice. I don't know, I'll give it a shot. I'm definetely through betting the horse on...well, anything.

Work's slow going. I gave HD my notice this week: the 29th is my last day there, I start OM on the 30th. I'm not looking forward to starting over again so soon, especially because life's been so up in the air lately (have I mentioned I'm not an impulsive person?), and I have the slightest inkling that I'm going to hate it there. Trying to be positive and not go into it thinking negatively, because that'd be a serious downfall. In the meantime, though, I've been applying like mad for jobs. Like, everywhere. A couple in Seatle, one in SanFran, Nashville, St.Louis. Oddly enough, none in Chicago.

Family is...kinda rough. Brian's getting into trouble again in a serious way, and now Ashley's following suit. I'm worried about my mom, but she's been calling every couple of days to check in, which makes me feel better.

I don't know, I guess things aren't that bad right now. The blues have been coming and going. Moments of extreme clarity and then utter confusion. I think it's called being a 20-something. I've also been listening insessantly to any and everything country. Kind of nice, actually, revisiting that part of myself.

Anyway, I need to get going. Got some more apps to fill out, resumes to send. I'll try and check in again soon. Also, I miss you guys! Comment and let me know how you are! I may not be able to check my lj very often, but I get to my email semi-regularily, so let me know what's up!

Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 23/?
Author: chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to kitty_poker1 for being my official L2BL beta.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my website.

Okay, boys and girls. Sorry for such a long wait for this one, but anyone that doesn’t know me – RL kinda exploded a month ago, and I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces (ugh I hate that cliché). Anyway, here it is, the next installment of Learn to be Lonely, in which the boys finally get to play Pop Goes The Lolly.



( Chapter 23 )

My dad made it through surgery, and he's doing a lot better. It'll still be most of a year before he can walk. I'm home right now, visiting, checking things out. I've already gone through the books, and yeah, the business is in pretty bad shape. And yeah, their personal funds are drying up fast.

BUT, I don't think anything's out of the ordinary for what they've all been through. My mom's stressed out and kind of broken down, Brian is at his wits end, and Ashley's being an idiot. I'd say everything's kind of "normal". The only odd thing is that mom and brian are fighting way more and can't stand to be around each other. I mean, that's always been the case, but not to this extreme. Brian moved out of the house, and in with his girlfriend.

I've got an interview on Wednesday for a job in Chicago, and if I get it, I'll be doing okay, financially. it's 3.50 more than what i'm making now, so I can dig myself out of this hole in about 2 paychecks. It's not the best job - Officemax, but it looks good on a resume - Supervisor. and I'd have at least one weekend a month off, and every sunday. So, let's cross our fingers.

The gest of it is that, at this point, I'm not sure about moving back yet. I think I'm going to give it one more month and see if everything balances out. God I'm sick of this back-and forthness.

welcome me back. not to internet land, because that's still a touch-and-go-and-steal when i can kind of thing. i mean, welcome me back to the world. things still suck in a major way on a lot of fronts, but damn, i'm feeling good right now. in about an hour, phillip's coming over and him and his boyfriend are taking me to a party downtown. new people! they're the only ones i know at this party. i'm so excited. i can't wait to get out there again and start mingling. i get to meet new people! *does an excited puppy impersonation* this self-imposed isolation is getting menotonous. plus! another chance to get prettified. i just got the most perfect pair of jeans known to GOD.

work is going well, actually. at times, i hate it, at times i love it. but mostly, it's just work, which is really cool. i can go in, do my stuff, and leave. it doesn't follow me outside those doors. no one knows me there, and it kind of feels like i'm starting over. me and the other resident gay, Gabreal (i have know idea how to spell that), crack each other up.

me and sam are officially dating. but we're open dating, so we can see other people. it sounds stupid, but it works. that way, neither one of us feel pressured or tied down and we can both do what we want, but still know that the other one is there for us. and no, we still have not had sex (this is a record for me, btw).

i guess poverty is working for me. i've lost a few pounds, and I'm feeling really healthy lately. i'm on day 2 of not smoking, and I have my moments where it's OH MY GOD KILL ME NOW WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK!?!?!?!, but for the most part, i think i'm handling it well. i'm starting to feel...clean. it's odd. my acne's clearing up, i've stopped noticing the few grey hairs poking up. today, i hoisted two 50lb bags of concrete mix on my shoulders and carried them from one end of the store to the other without so much as a wheeze. it's a pretty good feeling. and when i feel like i look good, it's like i can fly.

and also, i didn't want to say anything and jinx myself, but i'm working on a new project. i just finished up act I of a new play i'm writing about myself. it's kind of david sedaris meets queer as folk on stage. it's full of vignettes, tiny scenes from my life. i'm really excited about it. i just hope i'm not overexcited about something that sucks. it's been a LONG time since i've written anything original like this. but it's going to be a full-length, two-act play when i finish it. i showed one of the scenes to a friend of mine and he said he'd pass it along to a theatre company he's involved with. how cool would that be? to pull myself up by my bootstraps and throw myself into show business ;)

okay, gotta run. still need to choose accessories and cologne and mani, pluck, mask and scrub. yay!