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Following tradition, with fall coming down on us hard here in Chicago, things are starting to look up again. Something about fall always makes me feel great. I think it's the air. It's the only time in the year where I feel like I can breath.
My dad, physically, is doing really good in the rehab. They've got him on a pain schedule because he was sent to the ER on Friday night from blockages causing major pain. But they cleaned it out and he's not in as much pain. He's also doing pretty intensive physical therapy. Emotionally, though, he's a wreck. He's really worried about the business failing, and generally just not being able to provide for his family. Which is kind of making my mom spaz out. She finally confronted my brother about his attitude (for the record, I didn't notice anything odd about it), and he told her the reason he's so mean lately is that he isn't sleeping anymore. He keeps having nightmares about the accident. To get any sleep at all, he's been having to take pills, which worries me. I told her he needs to get some help, talk to someone about it. It's the only way the nightmares are going to stop. It's wierd thinking about Brian being that vulnerable. But it makes perfect sense. Naturally, my mom feels terrible, and I couldn't really give her any advice about what to do, except make sure he knows she loves him. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of pain, but they'll get through it. Things have to get better.
I think I'm starting to dig myself out of this rut that I've been in. Ever since I lost my job, even before that a little bit, I've been kind of ... emotionless. Even with the whole thing with my dad, I've been really detatched, like it's not something I'm going through, kind of like I'm just watching someone else deal with all of this. Not happy, not sad, not really anything. Which, I don't know, I guess is normal for this year I've had (hasn't 2006 sucked for everyone?). Anyway, I'm starting to actually feel things again. The more I work, the more I actually like my job. All of my coworkers are really nice, and it's taking time to get used to it, but I like working all day and havng my evenings free. Not that I do anything, but it's nice to curl up and read or watch a movie after dinner and go to sleep at a normal hour (my bed time is usually 10:30is). It's definetely temporary, because it's not even going to pay all of the bills, let alone leave any money for necessities like food, laundry, toiletries. But it's something, and I like feeling like I'm doing something again. Damn those cognitivists were right. I'm looking for a second part time job to maybe help out with expenses, but that'll be hard because at Home Depot I won't have a set schedule.
I'm also craving school. I swore I'd never say it, but I miss it. I drove by DePaul last week (I work a few blocks away), and seeing all of the students running back and forth with their backpacks and mp3 players and cell phones made me smile. Funny how the nostalgia takes away all the memories of nightmares about failing and not being able to pay for books and the nervous breakdowns around exams. Anyway, I'm going to start grad school applications. First to UIC, and then I'll go from there. It's time, I think. Besides, if I really want to be a psychologist, I need to get started.
Me and Sam had a date last night. I don't know why I didn't say no; I've said 1000 times I'm through with him. Whatever reason, I wound out going out with him and a couple of friends. I went with them to Nookies, the gay diner up the street, and then we bussed it up to A-Ville and went to T's, this neat little gay bar/restaurant right on Clark St. Sam and I got into a little bit of a fight because I got a little jealous (who, me? NEVER). See, his best friend is Matt's (remember him?) ex-roomate, whom I never really got along with. And he met us up there, so I was trying to play nice, because it's never good when your person doesn't get along with your friends. Anyway, Brian, his friend, kept grabbing him being kinda handsy. I didn't do or say anything, but I over-ignored it, and Sam said something about it on the ride back to my apt, and I told him. He just said that nothing would ever happen with him and Brian, and besides "we were there together." He kissed me goodnight when we got to the train station, and made for home. We have plans for this weekend, but that never pans out so I'm not holding my breath.
He brought up the subject of "we're dating," which I'm hesitant to say. He was there for me through all of the stuff with my dad, but even still, I don't know if I'm there yet. This was the first time we've gone out in a month, even though we've been talking on the phone a lot. And we still haven't had sex - which is because I won't yet - even though he wants to. I don't think, anymore, you have to have sex in order to be in a relationship. I'm just not ready to give that up yet. Anyway, I'm just waiting to see when the next time we actually see each other will be. It's going to take some time before I say, "okay, we're together, or dating, or whatever." 4 dates in two months does not a partner make.
Regardless, I guess things are starting their upward climb again. Which is nice. I'd like to not be crazy anymore by the time winter sets in.
My dad, physically, is doing really good in the rehab. They've got him on a pain schedule because he was sent to the ER on Friday night from blockages causing major pain. But they cleaned it out and he's not in as much pain. He's also doing pretty intensive physical therapy. Emotionally, though, he's a wreck. He's really worried about the business failing, and generally just not being able to provide for his family. Which is kind of making my mom spaz out. She finally confronted my brother about his attitude (for the record, I didn't notice anything odd about it), and he told her the reason he's so mean lately is that he isn't sleeping anymore. He keeps having nightmares about the accident. To get any sleep at all, he's been having to take pills, which worries me. I told her he needs to get some help, talk to someone about it. It's the only way the nightmares are going to stop. It's wierd thinking about Brian being that vulnerable. But it makes perfect sense. Naturally, my mom feels terrible, and I couldn't really give her any advice about what to do, except make sure he knows she loves him. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of pain, but they'll get through it. Things have to get better.
I think I'm starting to dig myself out of this rut that I've been in. Ever since I lost my job, even before that a little bit, I've been kind of ... emotionless. Even with the whole thing with my dad, I've been really detatched, like it's not something I'm going through, kind of like I'm just watching someone else deal with all of this. Not happy, not sad, not really anything. Which, I don't know, I guess is normal for this year I've had (hasn't 2006 sucked for everyone?). Anyway, I'm starting to actually feel things again. The more I work, the more I actually like my job. All of my coworkers are really nice, and it's taking time to get used to it, but I like working all day and havng my evenings free. Not that I do anything, but it's nice to curl up and read or watch a movie after dinner and go to sleep at a normal hour (my bed time is usually 10:30is). It's definetely temporary, because it's not even going to pay all of the bills, let alone leave any money for necessities like food, laundry, toiletries. But it's something, and I like feeling like I'm doing something again. Damn those cognitivists were right. I'm looking for a second part time job to maybe help out with expenses, but that'll be hard because at Home Depot I won't have a set schedule.
I'm also craving school. I swore I'd never say it, but I miss it. I drove by DePaul last week (I work a few blocks away), and seeing all of the students running back and forth with their backpacks and mp3 players and cell phones made me smile. Funny how the nostalgia takes away all the memories of nightmares about failing and not being able to pay for books and the nervous breakdowns around exams. Anyway, I'm going to start grad school applications. First to UIC, and then I'll go from there. It's time, I think. Besides, if I really want to be a psychologist, I need to get started.
Me and Sam had a date last night. I don't know why I didn't say no; I've said 1000 times I'm through with him. Whatever reason, I wound out going out with him and a couple of friends. I went with them to Nookies, the gay diner up the street, and then we bussed it up to A-Ville and went to T's, this neat little gay bar/restaurant right on Clark St. Sam and I got into a little bit of a fight because I got a little jealous (who, me? NEVER). See, his best friend is Matt's (remember him?) ex-roomate, whom I never really got along with. And he met us up there, so I was trying to play nice, because it's never good when your person doesn't get along with your friends. Anyway, Brian, his friend, kept grabbing him being kinda handsy. I didn't do or say anything, but I over-ignored it, and Sam said something about it on the ride back to my apt, and I told him. He just said that nothing would ever happen with him and Brian, and besides "we were there together." He kissed me goodnight when we got to the train station, and made for home. We have plans for this weekend, but that never pans out so I'm not holding my breath.
He brought up the subject of "we're dating," which I'm hesitant to say. He was there for me through all of the stuff with my dad, but even still, I don't know if I'm there yet. This was the first time we've gone out in a month, even though we've been talking on the phone a lot. And we still haven't had sex - which is because I won't yet - even though he wants to. I don't think, anymore, you have to have sex in order to be in a relationship. I'm just not ready to give that up yet. Anyway, I'm just waiting to see when the next time we actually see each other will be. It's going to take some time before I say, "okay, we're together, or dating, or whatever." 4 dates in two months does not a partner make.
Regardless, I guess things are starting their upward climb again. Which is nice. I'd like to not be crazy anymore by the time winter sets in.
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By the way, the Nov. Co. Ro. show is on the 5th, not the 4th. They'll be in Kentucky on the 4th. Also, there's the show on Oct. 24th, which my mother and possibly Michael will be coming up for.
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