I'm okay
I'm just...surprised. Shocked. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do.
What do you do?
What do you do when your mom calls you and tells you that now they've found several large lumps in her breast. And that if the biopsy comes back positive for breast cancer, she'll forgoe treatment. What do you do when she tells you that six months to live is a blessing?
ho-hum
Turning out to be one of those days. Thought these were done.
I think it's time for a lifestyle change. Maybe time to give another go to quit smoking. I've been losing weight lately without trying, maybe I should actually try to be healthy. For me, not to impress or attract anyone. Lately I've not been very happy with myself, and just disgusted with my body.
I think I might look for a second job, too, for my days off and swing shifts at Omax. Might as well put my downtime to some use, right? Idle hands are the devil's work.
For now, I think I'll just go to bed. Another couple of nights of overnights ahead of me.
I think it's time for a lifestyle change. Maybe time to give another go to quit smoking. I've been losing weight lately without trying, maybe I should actually try to be healthy. For me, not to impress or attract anyone. Lately I've not been very happy with myself, and just disgusted with my body.
I think I might look for a second job, too, for my days off and swing shifts at Omax. Might as well put my downtime to some use, right? Idle hands are the devil's work.
For now, I think I'll just go to bed. Another couple of nights of overnights ahead of me.
God give me the strength...
to get rid of these clothes. seriously - i don't need 10 pairs of jeans. i only wear 3, because they're the only ones that fit. i keep stock piling clothes of different sizes because i worry about gaining/losing weight. is that normal?
anyway, my "get rid of pile" is getting larger than my "keep" pile. that's good, right?
anyway, my "get rid of pile" is getting larger than my "keep" pile. that's good, right?
Question for the my SPN network out there
I was wondering if any of you SPN fans happen to know a good SPN song/soundtrack/playlist website out there, or have one? I love the music, but don't know classic rock very well at all.
I lost my shoe.
Possibly the funniest SPN ever.
Also, I'm a little peeved about this season. *he* is the "big bad"? I hate that guy. If it weren't that I'm hooked, I would stop watching it just because of that character.
*grumble grumble*
Jerry Lewis stacking chairs. heehee.
Also, I'm a little peeved about this season. *he* is the "big bad"? I hate that guy. If it weren't that I'm hooked, I would stop watching it just because of that character.
*grumble grumble*
Jerry Lewis stacking chairs. heehee.
Different and the Same
My trip home was a fairly decent one. Spent it mostly with my family, hung out with a few friends I haven't seen for a long while. My nephew is, obviously, adorable. My brother's going to be a really good dad. And now, he's married. It's very strange for me. I was always so ashamed of him, and now I'm really proud of him, a little jealous, even. Mostly proud. And his wife's a good woman, too.
Genevieve called, and we talked. I knew it would happen someday, but truth be told I thought it would take longer. She's leaving Chicago, and she was explaining to me why, and it was all the same things I said when I left. She said she finally understands why I left. This is also very strange. I'm finally settling into this completely on my own / alone feeling, and all these old friends are coming out of the woodwork. I don't know if I'm ready to have so much of my past back in my life.
Everything's so encredibly different, but also so much the same. I feel like I've gone through a lot of changes but it's not enough.
Genevieve called, and we talked. I knew it would happen someday, but truth be told I thought it would take longer. She's leaving Chicago, and she was explaining to me why, and it was all the same things I said when I left. She said she finally understands why I left. This is also very strange. I'm finally settling into this completely on my own / alone feeling, and all these old friends are coming out of the woodwork. I don't know if I'm ready to have so much of my past back in my life.
Everything's so encredibly different, but also so much the same. I feel like I've gone through a lot of changes but it's not enough.
Entry tags:
Nephew! Picspam #2
I got to hold him. For like, an hour. He's a precious little goober. *melts*
( Piccies behind the cut )
( Piccies behind the cut )
Entry tags:
Live! From my parent's basement
Coming at you from my new laptop. Squee. I can even deal with the mental terrorism my parents put me through to get it. They bought it for me, but only on the condition that I'm back in school inside of a year. It doesn't sound as bad as it actually was.
The trip home, so far, has been...interesting to say the least. Some highlights are that my mom has become a raving loon, my sister is a cokehead, my dad is clueless or at least pretends to be, and my brother's wife decided she doesn't really like our family so much and is somewhat playing keepaway with the baby - at least that's what my mom thinks. Personally, I think Ethan is only a week old, has a broken shoulder (they had to break it to get him out), and a first time father on his heels, so it seems only natural that they are kind of hiding him away for a bit. Plus, it's not like we can't see him - we just have to drive out to where he is to do so, which I don't think is all that unreasonable. I'm going out today to actually see and hold him. But, I managed to get some pictures of him. The first in a series of nephew pic!spam:
The trip home, so far, has been...interesting to say the least. Some highlights are that my mom has become a raving loon, my sister is a cokehead, my dad is clueless or at least pretends to be, and my brother's wife decided she doesn't really like our family so much and is somewhat playing keepaway with the baby - at least that's what my mom thinks. Personally, I think Ethan is only a week old, has a broken shoulder (they had to break it to get him out), and a first time father on his heels, so it seems only natural that they are kind of hiding him away for a bit. Plus, it's not like we can't see him - we just have to drive out to where he is to do so, which I don't think is all that unreasonable. I'm going out today to actually see and hold him. But, I managed to get some pictures of him. The first in a series of nephew pic!spam:
A banana and a bottle of booze
Okay, so the mood is much better. It helps that it's about 48° outside and whitewashed gray with big black clouds. You know that's my perfect day. Yay! Also, I said something to my manager, Joe, about Joel's comments the other day about the raises and whatnot, and Joe flipped out about it. It turns out that they did not, in fact, all get raises. Only Joel did. And it was only because he was supposed to get one 6 months ago and it never came. So he's rubbing it in my face just to be mean. Lame. Joe's pretty not-happy about it. It's just not kosher to tell your coworkers about stuff like that; it's an HR issue.
AND my vacation starts tomorrow when I leave work. 4.5 hours after I blow out of there I should be coasting into the QCs with a suitcase and a smile, and prezzies for the kids. Depending on how the drive goes tomorrow, I may be flying home for Thanksgiving/Xmas. I'm not exactly looking forward to awkward moments between myself and the rents on matters of school, work, and the ex. But I am def. looking forward to hanging out with friends, some serious R&R, chillin with the fam, and of course, meeting my nephew! He's so cute, I got to see a couple of pictures of him. I need to go out and by things for him. This child will not go unspoiled, I tell you.
AND my vacation starts tomorrow when I leave work. 4.5 hours after I blow out of there I should be coasting into the QCs with a suitcase and a smile, and prezzies for the kids. Depending on how the drive goes tomorrow, I may be flying home for Thanksgiving/Xmas. I'm not exactly looking forward to awkward moments between myself and the rents on matters of school, work, and the ex. But I am def. looking forward to hanging out with friends, some serious R&R, chillin with the fam, and of course, meeting my nephew! He's so cute, I got to see a couple of pictures of him. I need to go out and by things for him. This child will not go unspoiled, I tell you.
Entry tags:
I Want
I want to wake up
and know that I am me,
whomever me should be
and understand that the me I am
doesn’t have to be any one him or thing.
I want to open my eyes
and see the world changed
but still the same
with eyes clear and unglazed
by tears or sleep or pain or tiredness.
I want to touch
with fingers unmarked
by flame or bruise or blade
and feel the wet breeze against
my drowning flesh.
I want to taste
without the familiar ash
of longing and sour regret
glued against my tongue
and drink deep this life.
I want to sleep deep
and guarded against the night
without dreams of what once was
and never will be
and without this numbness creeping into me.
and know that I am me,
whomever me should be
and understand that the me I am
doesn’t have to be any one him or thing.
I want to open my eyes
and see the world changed
but still the same
with eyes clear and unglazed
by tears or sleep or pain or tiredness.
I want to touch
with fingers unmarked
by flame or bruise or blade
and feel the wet breeze against
my drowning flesh.
I want to taste
without the familiar ash
of longing and sour regret
glued against my tongue
and drink deep this life.
I want to sleep deep
and guarded against the night
without dreams of what once was
and never will be
and without this numbness creeping into me.
crisis adverted
Amazing. One scalding hot bubble bath with citrus scented foam and cinnamon toast scented candles, and I feel about 100% better. Yes. Apparently I am a woman.
At least I'm feeling a little less tense.
At least I'm feeling a little less tense.
(no subject)
So today was actually not any better. I'm kinda in a worse mood. Maybe the trip home will make me feel better, but I'm actually dredding it. The only reason I'm going, at this point, is to see my nephew. The last time I saw my family, Frank was there. I'm kind of embarassed. That's foolish and stupid, I know. I'm totally superfreak EMO right now. I'm trying to write through it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm just starting to feel like I did in Chicago, which is frightening. Tomorrow night I'm going over to Justin & Cari's new place for dinner and beer, though, so I'm sure that'll put me in a better mood.
Again, it's temporary. This frown'll turn upside down. I think the changing season is freaking me out. I didn't think it'd be like this. I guess nothing ever is, though, right?
And now, because I *finally* bought some bubbles, I'm going to take a nice long bath.
Again, it's temporary. This frown'll turn upside down. I think the changing season is freaking me out. I didn't think it'd be like this. I guess nothing ever is, though, right?
And now, because I *finally* bought some bubbles, I'm going to take a nice long bath.
grumble
I'm thinking of putting in my notice at Omax. I know that this would be stupid since I have no other job waiting and my track record for finding a job isn't very good. I just found out today that about a month ago, when I was knee-deep in inventory prep and freaking out and stressed out and working more than I should...all the other managers got raises. I'm now the lowest paid member of our management team, even though - no exageration - I put in the most actual work. I just can't beleive they did this to me. I've worked so hard for them, gritting my teeth and bending over backwards. It's just not fair.
Today is defintely one of those "I'm so tired of this" days. Tired of this crappy job, tired of looking for something better but always coming up short. Tired of feeling so unneeded/wanted. Just tired. I thought things were going to get better, but they haven't. It's the same. /pitty party.
Things will get better. I just have to try a little harder, search a little more. I just never thought I'd be the type of person to settle on something that I hate so much. I'm kind of dissapointed in myself, honestly.
Edit: Just a bad day. Tomorrow'll be brighter.
Today is defintely one of those "I'm so tired of this" days. Tired of this crappy job, tired of looking for something better but always coming up short. Tired of feeling so unneeded/wanted. Just tired. I thought things were going to get better, but they haven't. It's the same. /pitty party.
Things will get better. I just have to try a little harder, search a little more. I just never thought I'd be the type of person to settle on something that I hate so much. I'm kind of dissapointed in myself, honestly.
Edit: Just a bad day. Tomorrow'll be brighter.
*dies*
Ye Gods.
So exhausted. But Inventory is over. And it went off without a hitch. My DM even pulled me aside and made a big deal about thanking me for all my hard work and how it wouldn't have gone so well without me. So did both the auditor and the other store manager that was there helping us out. Phil was running around like an asshat, as per usual. And I met my new boss (big and dumb...this should go well). I think it went pretty well. Not to mention, it was pretty nice running the show.
I saw pictures today of little Ethan. He's soooo cute! I'm taking my camera with me when I go visit, so be prepared for nephew!spam.
Ooookay. It's definetely time for me to get some sleep.
At least it's over. I can breathe again.
So exhausted. But Inventory is over. And it went off without a hitch. My DM even pulled me aside and made a big deal about thanking me for all my hard work and how it wouldn't have gone so well without me. So did both the auditor and the other store manager that was there helping us out. Phil was running around like an asshat, as per usual. And I met my new boss (big and dumb...this should go well). I think it went pretty well. Not to mention, it was pretty nice running the show.
I saw pictures today of little Ethan. He's soooo cute! I'm taking my camera with me when I go visit, so be prepared for nephew!spam.
Ooookay. It's definetely time for me to get some sleep.
At least it's over. I can breathe again.
Grrrarrrr!
I'm wicked cranky today. Not enough sleep at all.
Is this heat NEVER going to end? It's October 5th - why are we still in the mid 90s?
Also, my ciruclation when I'm sleeping is apparently not good. I woke up this afternoon and there wasn't an inch of my body that wasn't numb. That's bad, right?
Is this heat NEVER going to end? It's October 5th - why are we still in the mid 90s?
Also, my ciruclation when I'm sleeping is apparently not good. I woke up this afternoon and there wasn't an inch of my body that wasn't numb. That's bad, right?
up, down, left, right, all three buttons, start
That's the code for the original Sega's Sonic the Hedgehog. Amazing, isn't it, the things we remember for no apparent reason?
I managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before it got too hot and the afternoon sun woke me up. I feel like crap. And I look about as bad as I feel. All pale and pasty with the circles. Ugh. Thank god this week is almost over. After Saturday, I won't have to ever do another overnight. yay! I'm so looking forward to my vacation. I think tonight I might just throw myself off the loft, just to get some peace and sleep. Mmm. Sleep. Tonight, 10-10am. Tomorrow, 10-10am. Sat 3pm - inventory end (probably around 1am). Sun, 8am-7pm. Mon-thurs 4am-noon and I'll be training my new boss. And then 5 whole not-OMax days. If I make it that long.
Can I be 4 again?
OTOH: Nephew!
I managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before it got too hot and the afternoon sun woke me up. I feel like crap. And I look about as bad as I feel. All pale and pasty with the circles. Ugh. Thank god this week is almost over. After Saturday, I won't have to ever do another overnight. yay! I'm so looking forward to my vacation. I think tonight I might just throw myself off the loft, just to get some peace and sleep. Mmm. Sleep. Tonight, 10-10am. Tomorrow, 10-10am. Sat 3pm - inventory end (probably around 1am). Sun, 8am-7pm. Mon-thurs 4am-noon and I'll be training my new boss. And then 5 whole not-OMax days. If I make it that long.
Can I be 4 again?
OTOH: Nephew!
I'm an officialized Uncle!
Ethan Lyle Jacob arrived around 1:30 this morning. 10 pounds, 2 ounces, and 21 inches long. He's a BIG baby, I'm told. His momma's doing fine, and his papa couldn't be happier. My mom was there with them and got to hold him and love him and start the spoiling process. Dad's going to go up and see him this morning sometime. I can't wait to see the little (well...not so little) guy!