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It's a blurry pic, because my mom's camera really blows. But, can you tell I love being an uncle? A pic of me holding Ethan:
Just booked my flight home for thanksgiving. Got lucky and found, literally, the last available flight out of Indy the night before Thanksgiving. Fly out of here at 5, layover in Detroit (new venue for Brad, so that's exciting), then it's homeward bound for the weekend. Just Got off the phone with Mom, told her how she upset me the other night, and she appoligized. So that's better. I can't believe Thanks is in less than two weeks.
I ask you, is there anything better than sleeping in a couple hours and waking up to a thunderstorm? Great way to start my day.
I got me some plans today: some great new music to vibe to. Also plan on getting at least this chapter of l2bl done, even if my hand start bleeding out of pure frustration. I keep telling them "type, dammit!" but alas, I cannot control them.
I need to run to the store and get coffee (I'm out! Ugh!) and maybe some breakfasty type food.
I got me some plans today: some great new music to vibe to. Also plan on getting at least this chapter of l2bl done, even if my hand start bleeding out of pure frustration. I keep telling them "type, dammit!" but alas, I cannot control them.
I need to run to the store and get coffee (I'm out! Ugh!) and maybe some breakfasty type food.
Man, all it takes is a good meltdown, and my whole system just flushes itself out. Today I'm feeling tons better. Still...annoyed, but better. I guess I just got to thinking, and really things are way better then they were in Chicago. It's just that feeling that keeps getting to me. That overwhelming trapped like a rat fuck what am i going to do? thing that gnaws at me. I know I am loved. I know things are not as bad as they could be/have been before. I know my job isn't as bad as it seems all the time. Quite honestly, I need to just get a grip.
I guess I need to find my sea legs again. And plus, for a few months, when things were good, my whole entire attitude and life outlook was better. And, granted, my big reason for that isn't around anymore, there's no reason why I should not try to have that way of looking at things back. It was good for me, and it made things better just by thinking positive (who knew, eh?), so...pssh. Screw it. If I'm going to be the man I want to, I need to just do it. If I'm ever going to have that confidence again, I need to start acting like I already have it.
I guess I need to find my sea legs again. And plus, for a few months, when things were good, my whole entire attitude and life outlook was better. And, granted, my big reason for that isn't around anymore, there's no reason why I should not try to have that way of looking at things back. It was good for me, and it made things better just by thinking positive (who knew, eh?), so...pssh. Screw it. If I'm going to be the man I want to, I need to just do it. If I'm ever going to have that confidence again, I need to start acting like I already have it.
You know, I could have not had my mom call and wake me up at midnight, when I have to be up at 3am or work, just to tell me what an asshole son I am. What, does guilt just get better with age? She had her surger - biopsy - done on the 7th. No one called. She should get her results in about a week. I guess the actual surgery went well, but she freaked out and they had to sedate her. She's sore and bruised, but her attitude is so changed it's amazing. She's really positive, and wants to fight. I'm glad.
But man is she good. She should win an award for psychological warfare.
So, I'm a horrible son because I didn't even know about the surgery, let alone call and find out how it went. I'm an awful son because I didn't even ask how my dad's test results on his memory loss came out (bad, btw). I'm a bastard grandson because my grandparents worry about me, but do I call or write? No. No one's heard from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I'm a failure at life because I still work at OfficeMax and I'm not back in school and I'm so much in debt. I can't make a relationship last. Frank was, apparently, the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't even hold on to him.
( it generally goes into to EMO land from here on )
Edit:
Ya know...scratch that. That's not a good place for me to go. While it feels better to vent, that way of thinking leads to wallowing, leads to worse things. So I'm just not gonna do it. I'm fine.
But man is she good. She should win an award for psychological warfare.
So, I'm a horrible son because I didn't even know about the surgery, let alone call and find out how it went. I'm an awful son because I didn't even ask how my dad's test results on his memory loss came out (bad, btw). I'm a bastard grandson because my grandparents worry about me, but do I call or write? No. No one's heard from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I'm a failure at life because I still work at OfficeMax and I'm not back in school and I'm so much in debt. I can't make a relationship last. Frank was, apparently, the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't even hold on to him.
( it generally goes into to EMO land from here on )
Edit:
Ya know...scratch that. That's not a good place for me to go. While it feels better to vent, that way of thinking leads to wallowing, leads to worse things. So I'm just not gonna do it. I'm fine.
Tags:
After spending most of the afternoon in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom, I'm pretty much back to saneland - as much as I ever was, anway. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this job. It shouldn't be this stressful; it's retail for god's sake. I'm definetly stepping up the jobhunt though. I'm expanding it to pretty much everything. This is just effecting my life too much. I feel like my friends are bored with me because all i talk about is work, and I hate that. And I hate that it's all I think about anymore. I just don't know what to do. Why isn't there a "Life for dummies" book?
Hi, I'm just going to be over in the corner weeping uncontrollably.
Guess what the trigger is for this particular little gem of a breakdown is? 10 crowns to the little girl who said "work." It's bad enough with all the fucking bullshit going on lately that I've had to deal with Biff. Then today he calls me from home on his day off just to bitch me out because *his* job isn't getting done. Which was enough. Then Joe, the one person there I can stand and enjoy, goes off on me about the fucking ink refill machine. On top of that, I got a nasty email from our DM directed towards me for not training Biff properly - HE'S MY GOD DAMNED MANAGER, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TRAIN HIM!.
On top of all of this, the truck showed up late today, and I got off work 9 minutes late because of it. Not that big of a deal, right? Well, the refrigerator repairguy had to come back today with the right part, and I told him I got off work at 2 and could be here at 2:30. Do the math, now. 9 minutes late leaving, guess what time I got home? 2:39. What time did he leave? 2:35. So now I have to go another fucking weekend without...food. I just want some cold fucking juice, and I can't even have that. I was so pissed off, I wasn't paying attention and slammed my hand in the car door - hard enough to draw blood. All because of my fucking job. I hate it so much. Why is my life constantly 9 minutes late?
So yeah, all stupid shit, but I can't fucking deal with it right now. I'm sitting here bawling because I hate life so hard right now. How does this fucking happen? When exactly did my nerves get so fried? I can't...Ahhh!
Guess what the trigger is for this particular little gem of a breakdown is? 10 crowns to the little girl who said "work." It's bad enough with all the fucking bullshit going on lately that I've had to deal with Biff. Then today he calls me from home on his day off just to bitch me out because *his* job isn't getting done. Which was enough. Then Joe, the one person there I can stand and enjoy, goes off on me about the fucking ink refill machine. On top of that, I got a nasty email from our DM directed towards me for not training Biff properly - HE'S MY GOD DAMNED MANAGER, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TRAIN HIM!.
On top of all of this, the truck showed up late today, and I got off work 9 minutes late because of it. Not that big of a deal, right? Well, the refrigerator repairguy had to come back today with the right part, and I told him I got off work at 2 and could be here at 2:30. Do the math, now. 9 minutes late leaving, guess what time I got home? 2:39. What time did he leave? 2:35. So now I have to go another fucking weekend without...food. I just want some cold fucking juice, and I can't even have that. I was so pissed off, I wasn't paying attention and slammed my hand in the car door - hard enough to draw blood. All because of my fucking job. I hate it so much. Why is my life constantly 9 minutes late?
So yeah, all stupid shit, but I can't fucking deal with it right now. I'm sitting here bawling because I hate life so hard right now. How does this fucking happen? When exactly did my nerves get so fried? I can't...Ahhh!
Okay, I just spent the last 3 hour scrubbing the mold out of my refrigerator. *gag* It's stained, but clean, finally. And the repairman will be here in about an hour to fix 'er up. I will finally have a fridge again. It's been what, 2 months? It's gonna be so nice. And let me tell ya, if I had to eat one more cup 'o noodles or bag of pop secret, I think I might have thrown myself off the trap 'o death. DAIRY! I'll have DAIRY! again! Oh, cheese, how I've missed you. Frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets. Meat. Dear god, precious beef. I might just go food crazy for a couple days. Thankfully, the place I called takes checks, so I should be good unless they try to pass it today (cross your fingers). I've been saving, but won't have enough till midnight when I get paid. I just pray it's not the compressor, because then I'm looking at a new fridge.
Now I'm going to try to write again. I spent most of the morning cracking out a half page. I forgot how hard this can be.
Now I'm going to try to write again. I spent most of the morning cracking out a half page. I forgot how hard this can be.
Ugh. It's my day off, and I'm wide awake at 5am. Which I guess isn't bad because that's sleeping in a couple hours for me. Think I'll put on some coffee, turn on a couple lights, and sit down to write.
Without going into too much detail, I just want to say how sad it makes me that there are so many couples out there that "play," and so many couples that have "arrangements," or are "open." I'm not judging those relationships, or those people, because every relationship is different and has its own rules and boundaries. But it makes me wonder - doesn't anyone believe in monogamy anymore? I guess I just don't understand. When I am with someone, I want to be with them, not them and someone else, or just someone else. For me, that's one of the big benifits of being in a relationship is knowing that someone wants me, wants to be with me and no one else. Doesn't anyone feel that way anymore? Granted, my two big relationships have been with men who never really wanted me. Chris wanted to be with everyone, and I only reminded Frank of the person he really loved. But even still, I want a partner. Someone to share this life with. Not someone that wants to share our bed. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Even so, I think I'll hold out until I meet that one person who doesn't want anyone else.
Without going into too much detail, I just want to say how sad it makes me that there are so many couples out there that "play," and so many couples that have "arrangements," or are "open." I'm not judging those relationships, or those people, because every relationship is different and has its own rules and boundaries. But it makes me wonder - doesn't anyone believe in monogamy anymore? I guess I just don't understand. When I am with someone, I want to be with them, not them and someone else, or just someone else. For me, that's one of the big benifits of being in a relationship is knowing that someone wants me, wants to be with me and no one else. Doesn't anyone feel that way anymore? Granted, my two big relationships have been with men who never really wanted me. Chris wanted to be with everyone, and I only reminded Frank of the person he really loved. But even still, I want a partner. Someone to share this life with. Not someone that wants to share our bed. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Even so, I think I'll hold out until I meet that one person who doesn't want anyone else.
Another wonderful old movie.
Feeling much better than I was yesterday. Now if only these weird cramps would go away.
Feeling much better than I was yesterday. Now if only these weird cramps would go away.
Well since sleeping for a bit, whatever this is has gotten worse. Got up twice - apparently those were mexican jumping cookies; didn't want to stay down. And instead of just feeling "blah" I've upgraded it to "oh dear god."
I should call into work tomorrow. But I have no vacation days left, and I really can't afford to lose a day of pay. And I should go to the doctor, but I can't afford the deductable before my insurance pays. Let me see if I have this right: they take $109 from me for month for my insurance, and I still have to pay this deductable ($250) before insurance will even start paying? Then what's the point of having medical insurance?
Boo. Think I'll go make some soup and stare at the TV.
I should call into work tomorrow. But I have no vacation days left, and I really can't afford to lose a day of pay. And I should go to the doctor, but I can't afford the deductable before my insurance pays. Let me see if I have this right: they take $109 from me for month for my insurance, and I still have to pay this deductable ($250) before insurance will even start paying? Then what's the point of having medical insurance?
Boo. Think I'll go make some soup and stare at the TV.
in an "i never wanna do that again" kind of way.
In addition to the severe almost debilitating stomach cramps I've had for the last week or so, apparently my body thinks it's fun to be lightheaded as well.
Yeah...I passed out at work today. One minute I'm putting up the new mp3 player display, the next minute I'm waking up wondering where the blood is coming from. Cut my leg open, I guess, falling off the ladder. It's not too bad, no stitches or anything. Just wondering where this is coming from.
Now I'm tucked into my nice warm bed in my warm fuzzy hoodie with some tea and Golden Oreos to keep me company. All in all, though, I feel like krrrrrrrap.
In addition to the severe almost debilitating stomach cramps I've had for the last week or so, apparently my body thinks it's fun to be lightheaded as well.
Yeah...I passed out at work today. One minute I'm putting up the new mp3 player display, the next minute I'm waking up wondering where the blood is coming from. Cut my leg open, I guess, falling off the ladder. It's not too bad, no stitches or anything. Just wondering where this is coming from.
Now I'm tucked into my nice warm bed in my warm fuzzy hoodie with some tea and Golden Oreos to keep me company. All in all, though, I feel like krrrrrrrap.
Amazing how that movie never fails to make my jaw drop and my chest flutter in inspiration.
There are a thousand things I want to say. A hundred descriptions about what I'm feeling and not feeling. Words tripping over words and sentences crashing into one another. Thoughts buzzing and emotions dashing. Instead I sit here at the keyboard finding a million ways to say I am stumped.
Anyone got some prompts they could toss my way? I'm cracking my literary knuckles here.
In the meantime, I'm headed to J&C's for a haircut and meal. Honestly - how did I survive before I met them? Honestly, on a serious note, I don't know how I would have gotten through everything were it not for them.
There are a thousand things I want to say. A hundred descriptions about what I'm feeling and not feeling. Words tripping over words and sentences crashing into one another. Thoughts buzzing and emotions dashing. Instead I sit here at the keyboard finding a million ways to say I am stumped.
Anyone got some prompts they could toss my way? I'm cracking my literary knuckles here.
In the meantime, I'm headed to J&C's for a haircut and meal. Honestly - how did I survive before I met them? Honestly, on a serious note, I don't know how I would have gotten through everything were it not for them.
Now, from what I hear, one's job should not make them seethe with rage, thus making them literally burn rubber hauling ass out of the parking lot, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision with both a Fed-Ex semi and a cement truck? Is this correct? Because if so, I guess I'm doing it wrong. *headdesk*
To be fair, karma's been pretty active the last couple of days. My neighbors downstairs *happy wave* got evicted yesterday, through no fault of mine. Which means I'm all alone in the building again. Yay. Also, Biff got his first and second write-up. The first one was for not following LP procedures, and the second is because since he started, he's been on time ONCE. He got caught taking four cigarette breaks in an hour, including smoking out the back door (fire door) which is a huge no-no. And as I was leaving today, he was getting reamed on the phone by our LP DM for losing the store's new key fobs. Not that I'm laughing. Because that would incur the wrath of said Karma. Merely observing.
Now I think I'll go watch the Dead Poets Society. yay!
To be fair, karma's been pretty active the last couple of days. My neighbors downstairs *happy wave* got evicted yesterday, through no fault of mine. Which means I'm all alone in the building again. Yay. Also, Biff got his first and second write-up. The first one was for not following LP procedures, and the second is because since he started, he's been on time ONCE. He got caught taking four cigarette breaks in an hour, including smoking out the back door (fire door) which is a huge no-no. And as I was leaving today, he was getting reamed on the phone by our LP DM for losing the store's new key fobs. Not that I'm laughing. Because that would incur the wrath of said Karma. Merely observing.
Now I think I'll go watch the Dead Poets Society. yay!
Yup, it's that time again.
If you would like a Christmas/Whatever card from me, either leave me a screened comment here with your complete address (including name, unless you want it adressed to your LJ SN ;) ). Or you can email it to me at chocgood84 at livejournal dot com.
And, if you would like to send ME one, leave a comment or email me at the above addy and reply with my NEW Indiana address.
And now I think I'll go make some hot cocoa and watch White Christmas. I can't believe I haven't watched that since last summer. *shakes head*
If you would like a Christmas/Whatever card from me, either leave me a screened comment here with your complete address (including name, unless you want it adressed to your LJ SN ;) ). Or you can email it to me at chocgood84 at livejournal dot com.
And, if you would like to send ME one, leave a comment or email me at the above addy and reply with my NEW Indiana address.
And now I think I'll go make some hot cocoa and watch White Christmas. I can't believe I haven't watched that since last summer. *shakes head*
Spinning and lilting
white and heat.
Stench of wildberries
and soft linen.
Desert pressed against my face.
Cacophony of children
laughing
playing
screaming.
Rusty steel wheel
lurching
scraping, scratching against
vinyl mud flooring stacked beneath cinder walls.
Cold white plastic against my fingertips.
Folding my secrets on a mint green counter.
Naked for the world to see.
Another Sunday afternoon
underdeveloped and overexposed.
When will my ship come in?
Psst. Hey. Remember that little story I was working on a few eons ago? Well, two things about it:
1. I finally have focused on where I want to go with it. At this point, for me, it's more about finishing it than anything else. It won't be the big epic saga I had hoped, but probably about 10 more chapters, roughly. My question is this: if I started work on it again and posted, would anyone still be reading? I know most of y'all have gone over to SPN and left BtVS in the dusty goodness of painful show death. Which is all fine and dandy. Just curious if there would still be a following at all. Also, I'll need a beta again, since the ever so loverly kitty has bowed out of the ring.
2. I also finally got around to compiling the soundtrack (well...disc one, anyway). If you want it, comment here and I'll reply with the link. If/When I complete the series, I'll upload disc 2 (kinda spoilery).
1. I finally have focused on where I want to go with it. At this point, for me, it's more about finishing it than anything else. It won't be the big epic saga I had hoped, but probably about 10 more chapters, roughly. My question is this: if I started work on it again and posted, would anyone still be reading? I know most of y'all have gone over to SPN and left BtVS in the dusty goodness of painful show death. Which is all fine and dandy. Just curious if there would still be a following at all. Also, I'll need a beta again, since the ever so loverly kitty has bowed out of the ring.
2. I also finally got around to compiling the soundtrack (well...disc one, anyway). If you want it, comment here and I'll reply with the link. If/When I complete the series, I'll upload disc 2 (kinda spoilery).
Next Sunday is our big work bowling party. We were number 1 in the territory with selling warranties so the company threw down $300 bucks for us to spend as a store. All of us except our boss voted for paintball. He, being him, decided that would be not good, so opted for bowling. So next sunday, everyone from work is meeting at the bowling ally to compete in two-person teams. The winner gets a tiny trophy. The clincher is that Phil made the teams, so of course I'm on Biff's team. This should be interesting.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going. I should go, because otherwise I'll get crap for not being a team player, blah blah blah. Plus, it's bowling, which I happen to love on occaision. However, Phil says he's going to try and outlaw the adults from drinking. Which, okay, there's going to be minors there, and it's technically work sponsored, so I get it. But here's the thing: I don't like these people. I get along with (most of) them at work because it's work. I don't really want to socialize with them outside of work, and to do so, I'm going to need at least a little lubrication. Also, I'm an adult, and outside of work, he's not the boss of me. Five spoiled whiney kids and 7 adults I have nothing in common with, playing on a team with a guy I'd rather bale than bowl with...and no drinkie at all? So my options are: suck it up and go and possibly ruin my evening off, OR not go and hear about it forever. There's also a third more wacky option of me going and sneaking to the bar in between frames. Bah. I'll probably just wind up sucking it up and going. Who knows, maybe it'll actually be fun. /sarcasm.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going. I should go, because otherwise I'll get crap for not being a team player, blah blah blah. Plus, it's bowling, which I happen to love on occaision. However, Phil says he's going to try and outlaw the adults from drinking. Which, okay, there's going to be minors there, and it's technically work sponsored, so I get it. But here's the thing: I don't like these people. I get along with (most of) them at work because it's work. I don't really want to socialize with them outside of work, and to do so, I'm going to need at least a little lubrication. Also, I'm an adult, and outside of work, he's not the boss of me. Five spoiled whiney kids and 7 adults I have nothing in common with, playing on a team with a guy I'd rather bale than bowl with...and no drinkie at all? So my options are: suck it up and go and possibly ruin my evening off, OR not go and hear about it forever. There's also a third more wacky option of me going and sneaking to the bar in between frames. Bah. I'll probably just wind up sucking it up and going. Who knows, maybe it'll actually be fun. /sarcasm.
I want my very own seekrit gay cowboy lover.
Only not the kind that dies.
Or is married.
Or has children.
Can I just have a cowboy?
Only not the kind that dies.
Or is married.
Or has children.
Can I just have a cowboy?
.
