Random updatings in la vie de moi.

[synapticjava]

Okay, I have a feeling this will be a tad bit long, so I'm putting it behind a

Okay, first thing. Went to work, and it was actually a great night. No Stacey - she was a no-call, no-show. That's her second time. Once more and she's out. It was actually kind of nice ;P. And then me and Penny checked out the hot guys, discussed our guy trouble, teased and made fun of all the wait staff and managers and bitched about the customers. We're such a good team when we work together. It's really funny. So I worked, didn't quit, probly won't unless they tell me to. But my problem was right after I clocked out and was heading towards the door, I hear this guy in the Martini Bar shout "Oh no, not another homo." Instively, I turned around, all defensive. Then I realized he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to one of his friends who he hadn't seen in a while at the bar. And then the girl that was with the "homo" shouted out "Oh no, who's that faggot in the plad sweater? Someone got a cocktail for this cocksucker?" They were just joking around, an inside joke I guess. But it makes me upset. Logically, I have no reason to be. They weren't saying it to be malicious and they weren't saying it to me. So really, it's none of my business. But for some reason, it felt like it was being directed to me. And it did upset me. I don't understand why it's funny to people. Maybe you have to be ingnorant? Maybe you just have to be an asshole? I don't know. But my question which I cannot find an answer for, is : Why is it socially acceptable to say something like that loudly in public? Why is that acceptable, when so many other things - like race or religion - aren't? The whole thing just kind of chilled me, and I feel like I personally, and all GLBT people, have been knocked down a peg.

Second thing. Being an RA. Today was move-in day. All in all, everything went pretty good. No mix-ups, no lost paperwork, no one showing up saying they were supposed to move-in and weren't on the roster. So that was kinda nice. Went very smoothly. Also, last night when we were doing RA scheduling, I didn't need to take a vallium before, during, and after. I have the best schedule I could hope for. So yay for that. And, it feels like we've all kind of forgotten about last quarter. It's like it's a new slate. What is really interesting, though, is yesterday we did a team-builder. Touch-and-go, or something like that. One person, in our case Lauren, has a list of about 30 different things. The person has everyone in the group sit and close their eyes, and she let's one, two, or three people know when its their turn. They open their eyes, stand up, and do the things on the list. It's all "Touch someone who you think is..." and the sentence is completed by whatever is on the list. So everyone gets a turn for different things on the list.  So, say, person A would be reading the things, and person B would be touching for whatever reason. Person A would read a few things, and then tell person B to sit down and close their eyes, and then A would move on and have C do different things from the list. It's actually pretty neat. Anyway, it was really nice to know what different people thought of me. I got touched when "has his act together, is dependable, is always there for you, you trust completely, always has a smile for you, is understanding, is caring, is considerate, you respect, who shows respect for you, makes you feel safe, is compassionate, is a leader, is honest, someone you want to get to know better". There were some others, but I either don't remember or didn't hear what they were. It really touched me that these people think these things of me. I honestly never have thought about people thinking positive things of me. It really opened up my eyes to myself. It was defeintely a confidence-boost. On top of that I realized, just from the way certain people and some other students and the staff talks to me and treats me really shows me that these people do respect me and they do like me and it's a marvelous feeling. This feeling is also fueled by my P.E. for last quarter. That's performance evaluation, not physical education. On about two thirds of the catagories, I got "exceeds expectations" and my R.D. gave me heapings of positive comments, including that I am a "reliable asset to this campus, community, and department" and "one of the most reliable, dependable, and hard-working members of our staff" and that "our staff would be at a loss without" me. It's really weird knowing that people see me this way. Like I said, I never really could concieve of it, much less thought of it. It really makes me feel quite happy. I finally am feeling like I'm starting to find my way and make my own way, and that I'm excelling at something. It's a great feeling

Third thing. I'm lonely. Not like elderly people "everyone's dead and no one wants to visit me" kind of lonely. Like puppy dog lonely. I want a companion. I don't want a relationship, but I want someone there. I want to go out and date and get on with my life. I'm sick and tired of silently greiving over Chris and waiting for him to come back and for everything to be like it was. It's not going to happen. It's time to move on. I want the closeness and the intimacy we had with someone new, but I don't want the trappings and the pressures and the risk of a full-time relationship. I also don't want the sleeze of a one-night stand, but I don't want something that will be long and drawn-out. I guess it all points to one thing: I'm a complicated individual. As if we didn't know this before, right? Right. Anyway, the wierdest thing is that three guys have asked me out in the last week. I turned them all down. Why did I do this, you ask? I have no freaking idea. Well, one of them is 29. Personally, I don't have an issue with dating older guys. But while I know it's not right, I really would worry about what my friends thought if I dated someone that much older than me. Also, I want to date someone that is on the same level and playing field as I am. I want someone that is experiencing the things that I am with me. I don't know what the deal is with the other two. They just didn't appeal to me. Granted, they were physically gorgeous, I really didn't give them a chance to show me who they really are. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not in a place where I should be dating or seeing or whatever with anyone.

Fourth thing: I'm dead tired. Haven't been getting enough sleep. Must do something to correct this. Also, head feels about ready to expload. Also, kinda dizzy. Oh, and my muscles hurt. And my throat hurts. And I can't stand bright lights lately. I think I'm sick.