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What exactly is it about talking to my mum that turns me into a blithering idiot? Oh right...I think it's that she's a raving loon.
*crazy headshake*
Well...this time, at least I'm only spoiled, self-centered and ungrateful. If you think that's bad, you should have heard the shit she called my brother. Wow. She wanted me to get in the middle of a fight she's having with Brian over baby Ethan. I used to wonder why a)I'm crazy, b)have insecurity issues, c)have always wanted to be away from my family, and d)have huge trust/love/acceptance issues. Um. I don't wonder anymore. I'm prrrreeeeetttty sure I've pinpointed that. Paging Dr. Freud. Because it's not that I don't love my mother/family, it's that I love her/them too much sometimes, and I let that control, dictate, and manipulate my life to too great a degree. So, I think to clear up my guilt issues, I'm not accepting gifts from them anymore (except for normal ones). Along with that means no asking for help. To alleviate that trapped feeling, I need to set up personal boundaries with them. I need for them to know that it is not okay for one of them to call me just to rant about another, and drag me into the middle - I am not and should not be expected to be my family's psychotherapist. I need to start voicing my own wants and needs when confronted with theirs, and stand up for myself as a son, brother, and man.
And further on this topic, I need to finally get my act together and start making plans. Biff is handing in his resignation at the end of the month, and I think it's time I stepped up. I don't like the job - it is not something I want to do forever. However, a double in my salary can help me achieve the things I want for the moment and make more stable plans for the future. If I get the job, and the salary I desire, within a year I can get rid of this debt that's stopping me from a lot of things. I can start building back my credit. I can save up money for my move west. Because that, that will happen. I'm moving to Seattle, and going back to school, even if it's delayed more than I thought. By 25, I will be there. That's one year and a half. That's not a dream, not a plan - it's a goal.
And one of the best things about this goal - one of the things I like the most about it - is that this is a goal for me. I have not factored in "finding someone" or even made space for it. I don't need anyone. I'm not going to be in my 20s forever, and I can't plan my life around anyone else. This is my time. This...thing with Frank taught me a lot of valuable lessons. It hurt a lot, what he did. Still hurts sometimes. But I'm not dead. The world didn't end. Life goes on. And my family...they're my family. I can't change them, but I can change the impact they have on me, the power they hold over me. I have the power.
Well...wasn't that inspirational. But seriously, folks. I'm in a very positive frame of mind right now, and feeling very much attuned to what I want - for the first time in a long time. I have focus. I can do this.
*crazy headshake*
Well...this time, at least I'm only spoiled, self-centered and ungrateful. If you think that's bad, you should have heard the shit she called my brother. Wow. She wanted me to get in the middle of a fight she's having with Brian over baby Ethan. I used to wonder why a)I'm crazy, b)have insecurity issues, c)have always wanted to be away from my family, and d)have huge trust/love/acceptance issues. Um. I don't wonder anymore. I'm prrrreeeeetttty sure I've pinpointed that. Paging Dr. Freud. Because it's not that I don't love my mother/family, it's that I love her/them too much sometimes, and I let that control, dictate, and manipulate my life to too great a degree. So, I think to clear up my guilt issues, I'm not accepting gifts from them anymore (except for normal ones). Along with that means no asking for help. To alleviate that trapped feeling, I need to set up personal boundaries with them. I need for them to know that it is not okay for one of them to call me just to rant about another, and drag me into the middle - I am not and should not be expected to be my family's psychotherapist. I need to start voicing my own wants and needs when confronted with theirs, and stand up for myself as a son, brother, and man.
And further on this topic, I need to finally get my act together and start making plans. Biff is handing in his resignation at the end of the month, and I think it's time I stepped up. I don't like the job - it is not something I want to do forever. However, a double in my salary can help me achieve the things I want for the moment and make more stable plans for the future. If I get the job, and the salary I desire, within a year I can get rid of this debt that's stopping me from a lot of things. I can start building back my credit. I can save up money for my move west. Because that, that will happen. I'm moving to Seattle, and going back to school, even if it's delayed more than I thought. By 25, I will be there. That's one year and a half. That's not a dream, not a plan - it's a goal.
And one of the best things about this goal - one of the things I like the most about it - is that this is a goal for me. I have not factored in "finding someone" or even made space for it. I don't need anyone. I'm not going to be in my 20s forever, and I can't plan my life around anyone else. This is my time. This...thing with Frank taught me a lot of valuable lessons. It hurt a lot, what he did. Still hurts sometimes. But I'm not dead. The world didn't end. Life goes on. And my family...they're my family. I can't change them, but I can change the impact they have on me, the power they hold over me. I have the power.
Well...wasn't that inspirational. But seriously, folks. I'm in a very positive frame of mind right now, and feeling very much attuned to what I want - for the first time in a long time. I have focus. I can do this.
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Awesome!
:)
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From:
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Also: good on you. You're going to be just fine, I know this.
From:
no subject