![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
You know, I could have not had my mom call and wake me up at midnight, when I have to be up at 3am or work, just to tell me what an asshole son I am. What, does guilt just get better with age? She had her surger - biopsy - done on the 7th. No one called. She should get her results in about a week. I guess the actual surgery went well, but she freaked out and they had to sedate her. She's sore and bruised, but her attitude is so changed it's amazing. She's really positive, and wants to fight. I'm glad.
But man is she good. She should win an award for psychological warfare.
So, I'm a horrible son because I didn't even know about the surgery, let alone call and find out how it went. I'm an awful son because I didn't even ask how my dad's test results on his memory loss came out (bad, btw). I'm a bastard grandson because my grandparents worry about me, but do I call or write? No. No one's heard from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I'm a failure at life because I still work at OfficeMax and I'm not back in school and I'm so much in debt. I can't make a relationship last. Frank was, apparently, the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't even hold on to him.
Why is it, just when I think I can't turn to anyone and ask for help, I'm proved right? Why is it, when everything in my life really sucks and I try to plaster on a fairy tale smile, someone always turns around and suckerpunches me. I'm barely hanging on by a thread, but still I'm expected to take care of everyone and keep up appearances. Why can't they understand that I can't deal with my own shit, let alone my mom, my dad, my grandparents and my siblings. I'm only one guy. I just can't do it. Fuck, I'm still dealing with the mindfuck that Frank put me through. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that, at least in my life, good things aren't real. That no one is who they say they are. And that maybe, probably, there's no such thing as being happy with one's self and one's life. The only reason we're put on this earth is to be shit on. At least that's how I feel right now. Nothing gets any better, so why do we try? Why search for validation and affirmation when there's none to be had?
These are just the rantings of someone very upset, very distraught, and someone who's running very much on empty right now. And I don't know how to fill back up. I feel like I'm right back where I was a year ago: rock bottom. You know, when my dad was hurt, I almost lost someone too. When my mom lost her job, I felt that too because I know what that's like. When my grandpa was put in the hospital again, I too had to deal with that. But I also had my entire life in chicago unraveling faster than I could have imagined. I also had bill collectors calling every 4 minutes. I also had my landlord at my door with a pink slip. When is it okay for me to try to work through this? When is it okay for me to say enough is enough? And why, why can't someone think of me for a change? Why can't someone call me just to see how my day went? To tell me for no reason that they love me. Why can't someone just love me for no reason at all, not just use me to get back at someone, to get someone back, or because I'm a good listener and talking to me makes them feel better? I'm so tired of this. When, if ever, will I be good enough?
Edit:
Ya know...scratch that. That's not a good place for me to go. While it feels better to vent, that way of thinking leads to wallowing, leads to worse things. So I'm just not gonna do it. I'm fine.
But man is she good. She should win an award for psychological warfare.
So, I'm a horrible son because I didn't even know about the surgery, let alone call and find out how it went. I'm an awful son because I didn't even ask how my dad's test results on his memory loss came out (bad, btw). I'm a bastard grandson because my grandparents worry about me, but do I call or write? No. No one's heard from me for a couple of weeks. Also, I'm a failure at life because I still work at OfficeMax and I'm not back in school and I'm so much in debt. I can't make a relationship last. Frank was, apparently, the best thing that's happened to me and I couldn't even hold on to him.
Why is it, just when I think I can't turn to anyone and ask for help, I'm proved right? Why is it, when everything in my life really sucks and I try to plaster on a fairy tale smile, someone always turns around and suckerpunches me. I'm barely hanging on by a thread, but still I'm expected to take care of everyone and keep up appearances. Why can't they understand that I can't deal with my own shit, let alone my mom, my dad, my grandparents and my siblings. I'm only one guy. I just can't do it. Fuck, I'm still dealing with the mindfuck that Frank put me through. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that, at least in my life, good things aren't real. That no one is who they say they are. And that maybe, probably, there's no such thing as being happy with one's self and one's life. The only reason we're put on this earth is to be shit on. At least that's how I feel right now. Nothing gets any better, so why do we try? Why search for validation and affirmation when there's none to be had?
These are just the rantings of someone very upset, very distraught, and someone who's running very much on empty right now. And I don't know how to fill back up. I feel like I'm right back where I was a year ago: rock bottom. You know, when my dad was hurt, I almost lost someone too. When my mom lost her job, I felt that too because I know what that's like. When my grandpa was put in the hospital again, I too had to deal with that. But I also had my entire life in chicago unraveling faster than I could have imagined. I also had bill collectors calling every 4 minutes. I also had my landlord at my door with a pink slip. When is it okay for me to try to work through this? When is it okay for me to say enough is enough? And why, why can't someone think of me for a change? Why can't someone call me just to see how my day went? To tell me for no reason that they love me. Why can't someone just love me for no reason at all, not just use me to get back at someone, to get someone back, or because I'm a good listener and talking to me makes them feel better? I'm so tired of this. When, if ever, will I be good enough?
Edit:
Ya know...scratch that. That's not a good place for me to go. While it feels better to vent, that way of thinking leads to wallowing, leads to worse things. So I'm just not gonna do it. I'm fine.
Tags:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
From:
no subject