![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 20/?
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks tokitty_poker1 for being my official L2BL beta.
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my website.
Also, I'm having problems with my 'net right now, so those still waiting on comment replies, I'm not ignoring you! I just can't get online for long enough to do anything productive.
Still shaking off the nightmare and the surprise of seeing Willow look so devastated, so angry, Xander scrambled out of bed, frantically searching in the darkness for a pair of underwear, jeans, anything. He finally settled for a still-wet towel and knotted it around his waist as he threw open the door and ran out into the cool night. The bright lights of the parking lot stung his eyes; he shielded them with one hand while scanning the lot for the fleeing witch.
He spotted her at the edge of the parking lot, sprinting towards the highway. With one hand holding the towel closed around his waist, he ran after her, wincing as gravel and broken pavement sliced and jabbed his bare feet.
“Willow!” he called after her when he was near enough for her to hear. “Willow, wait!”
Without turning around, she cried back to him, “No, you wait, Xander!” And with a wave of her arm, Xander froze in place, unable to move his legs or arms. He could only watch as she picked up speed and disappeared into the night. As the shadows finally swallowed her fading image, the spell was broken, and Xander, feeling battered and hollow, returned to the motel’s veranda with slumped shoulders and shallow breaths.
He leaned against the railing, staring out at the empty parking lot and the lightening horizon beyond the highway, thinking and not thinking. Playing over and over again in his mind the look on her face, his surprise at finding her when he awoke, chasing after her, failing to reach her…
… Sights and sounds pull me back down another year…
From a room’s open window, music floated across the early morning air, sailing on the soft wind that whipped around the veranda.
Beneath my raincoat, I have your photographs. And the sun on your face - I’m freezing that frame…
Images flittered through Xander’s mind, triggered by the haunting lyrics and soothing voice that sounded like trickling water in a tunnel. Images of being a kid, mostly, with sleepovers at Jesse’s house with them and Willow; of riding their bikes to the canyons out past the woods and Willow getting scared because it was getting dark; high school, before Buffy and before vampires and monsters – before growing up.
How did it go so fast? you’ll say as we are looking back. And then we’ll understand we held gold dust in our hands…
Spike was standing in the doorway behind him, watching him. It seemed like Xander could always feel it when the vampire was around now; could always be aware of being watched, and cared for.
I was here, I was here…
“Your feet are bleeding, love.” Spike spoke softly, barely a whisper. Xander looked down, and indeed his feet were bleeding, footprints leading from the parking lot, up the stairs to where he was leaning against the railing.
“Yeah,” he responded.
Gaslights glow in the street (flickering past). Twilight held us in her palm as we walked along…
“You should come in and let me wash them for you, so they don’t get infected.” Spike was right behind him now, his voice tickling against Xander’s ear.
“I will in a minute.” Xander turned and smiled dryly at his companion, feeling the bitterness in him subside slowly as Spike watched him, sadness in his eyes but a smile on his lips. “Just want to take it all in.”
“Better not take it all in, Xander – you might end up popping apart if you do that.” Spike’s arms wrapped themselves around Xander’s chest and his cool lips pressed against his neck. The sun was coming fast; the sky was already a light violet, gilded with gold at the horizon.
How did it go so fast? you’ll say as we are looking back. And then we’ll understand we held gold dust in our hands… In our hands. *
Xander turned in Spike’s arms, hugging him tightly against his body. He lowered his chin and pressed his lips against Spike’s cool mouth and kissed him, gently, pleadingly. “Let’s go inside,” he whispered tiredly.
By mid afternoon, Xander had stopped shaking. His breathing had returned to normal and he could almost wrap his head around what had happened. The whole fiasco of the past couple of months kept replaying in his mind like a scratched DVD, always looping back to Anya leaving and stuttering through all of the fights with the Scoobies, all of the late nights with Spike. He kept looking for that one, precise moment when everything had changed so drastically.
Mostly, he just wanted to be able to go to sleep. But he was afraid to close his eyes. Afraid the dreams might come back full-force after his visit by Willow. He couldn’t entirely understand why she was so upset, but he was almost sure she had something to do with his nightmares. Her cameos had gotten more frequent and, after the last one, she had been here. Here!
He was sitting up in bed, his back braced against the chipped and scarred headboard, sheet draped across his waist. Beside him, Spike was asleep again. Xander knew he was dreaming, too. Periodically, the vampire would growl, reaching his arms out and searching for Xander beside him. Xander would give Spike his hand, solid and reassuring.
This time, though, Spike’s snarl was followed by his eyes flashing open, gold, and twitching into game face. At the same moment, there was a hard rapping on the door.
“Wondering when you were going to come,” Xander muttered as he swung his legs off the bed and into a pair of lounge pants he had found before going back to bed. “I’m coming,” he called. “Cover up, Spike, it’s daylight.”
“Hey,” he mumbled as he opened the door.
“Hey,” Buffy said. Her voice sounded raw, hoarse. She was standing at the doorway, her arms crossed and her body rigid. Xander couldn’t tell whether she was nervous, upset, or pissed off. An unreadable Slayer is an unpredictable one, he thought grimly.
“Come on in.” He held the door open, gesturing towards the room. She hesitated for half a second, but with a heavy breath she entered ground zero.
“Spike,” she acknowledged, nodding to where he was sitting up in bed, smoking a cigarette. The nightstand light was on and spread yellowish light throughout the room.
“Slayer,” he said.
Xander closed the door and grabbed the chair from the table and placed it next to the Slayer, then sat back down in bed, placing his hand on Spike’s leg.
Disregarding the chair, Buffy’s eyes widened at the sight of Xander being so open in front of her. “So it’s true, what Willow said.”
“Depends on what she said,” Xander replied, his voice as cold and sharp as a razor.
“She said that you, I mean, I…” She slipped and stuttered over her sentence. “Xander, are you gay?”
Xander chose his words carefully, thinking about the best way to answer the question. “No, I’m not gay. I like women, always have.”
“Then I don’t under-”
“But,” he interrupted her, “I’m not straight, either. And before you ask, Spike isn’t the first guy I’ve ever had feelings for.”
“Oh,” she replied. “Then…who?”
“There was a guy in Oxnard last year when I got stuck there. He was the mechanic who worked on my car.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean-” she tried.
“And then there was Jesse.” Xander felt the pain well up inside as the name left his lips. Spike’s arm crossed his shoulders, and he tightened the grip on Spike’s leg. “Before I killed him.”
“You didn’t kill him, Xander. He was a vamp…” Buffy’s words trailed into silence as she glanced from Spike to Xander and back. Sighing, she slumped into the chair Xander had offered her.
“What’s the point of this, Slayer?” Spike’s words were short-tempered.
“I’m just trying to understand,” she explained in a weak voice.
“Understand what, Buffy?” Xander looked straight at her. “The fact that I like guys, or the fact that I like…that I have feelings for Spike?”
“Xander, you know the gay – or bi, or whatever – thing doesn’t bother me. I mean, okay, a little out of the blue, sure, but I can handle that,” Buffy explained. “But Xander, Spike!? I don’t get it. Not six months ago, you hated him. You begged me to stake him. And now you’re…you’re…I don’t know what.”
“I can’t explain it either, Buffy. I just know that I’ve never had anyone make me feel as good, as real as he does.” Xander glanced over at Spike, who was grinning at him. “I just…this feels right, you know?”
“But again, Spike? As in, evil, soulless, ‘I’d kill you all if I didn’t have this chip,’ Spike? Do you really think if he didn’t have that chip that he wouldn’t kill you, Xander?” The pitch of her voice was starting to climb, and her words were charging quickly.
“Careful, girl,” Spike snarled at her.
“Shut up, Spike,” she snapped back at him. “You’ve caused enough trouble. I should have killed you when I had the chance.”
“Hey!” Xander cried, standing up. “You will not talk about killing my boyfriend…lover…whatever.”
“Yeah,” Spike chided from the bed.
“Shut up, Spike,” Xander shouted.
“Alright, fine.” Buffy grimaced, standing up, face to face with Xander. “Do what you want, even if it’s stupid and dangerous.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Buff,” Xander responded wryly. “Let’s not forget that I’m not the only one who happens to be involved with someone who’s highly allergic to sunlight.”
“That was different,” Buffy said through clenched teeth.
“It always is, isn’t it, Buffy?” Xander threw back. “It’s always different for you. Well, this isn’t. Spike doesn’t have a soul. But he doesn’t need one. And at least I won’t have to worry about him losing his soul and going insane and killing everyone.” He knew he shouldn’t have said it. Knew it even as he was saying it. But, damn it, he was tired of this. So tired.
Buffy looked like she’d been slapped. Her shoulders fell forward and her eyes lost some of their light.
“Look,” Buffy said softly. “I came here to talk you out of this, but if I can’t do that…” she paused and looked at the two of them again, “…and it looks like I can’t, I need to warn you. You should leave for a while.”
“What do you mean?” Xander asked.
“I mean Willow is at home right now, looking through her spell books for something. She won’t tell me what it is, and I don’t think I can stop her if she decides to do something.”
“You mean you won’t,” Spike yelled. Buffy just drew herself in even more.
“No,” Xander whispered. “She means she can’t.”
“Don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Just leave. Soon. I don’t know for how long, but I know it’s not safe for you here right now.”
Without another word, Buffy turned and left, leaving Spike growling softly and Xander feeling like he was parachuting with a pack of tin cans instead of the parachute. Any second now, he would slam to earth and shatter to pieces.
Xander, mentally willing himself to move, made his way outside and found Buffy leaning against the same railing he had only hours ago. The crimson footprints still stained the old painted wood of the veranda. She was crying, her back turned to him.
“Buffy?” he called softly, reaching out and touching her shoulder. Slowly, she turned, her eyes red and puffy.
“What happened to us?” she asked. Her voice sounded small, weak. It scared him. “Xander, what happened to us all?”
“I don’t know, Buff,” he admitted, pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her. “I think, I think we all just grew up. We’re not the same people we were in high school.”
She silently nodded her head against his shoulder.
“You know, the last year or so has been pretty hard for me, for all of us, I guess,” Xander was surprised by how open he was about this, by how freely he was able to admit it. “You and Willow off at school. Me and Anya splitting up. Everything’s all topsy turvy, you know? And I love you two, I really do. I just need to be…I just need to be for a while. I finally get that. You guys are going through your things with school, and you have Riley, and Willow has Tara – ”
“And you have Spike,” Buffy snarked bitterly, still hugging him close.
“Don’t be like that, Buffy. Please don’t be like that,” Xander whispered. “I know you don’t understand, and I can’t ask that you do. I can’t even ask that you like him. I just ask for you to be happy that I’m happy. I don’t think that’s too much.”
“You’re right, it’s not too much,” Buffy admitted, pulling away from him. “I can be happy for your happiness. And I don’t understand; I don’t like it; I don’t like him. But I love you, and I guess that’s all that matters.” She smiled shyly at him. “Now you better hurry up. I don’t know how much time you have.”
“We’ll leave at sunset,” he replied, turning back towards the open door as she headed towards the Jeep. “Oh, and Buffy? Thanks.”
She stopped, turned and returned his smile. “You’re welcome. Be careful.”
When Xander returned to the room, Spike was already dressed, a blanket in his hands. “Where do you think you’re going?” Xander asked.
“We’re leaving, yeah?” Spike replied. “Gotta make some arrangements.”
“Like what?” Xander wondered.
“Never you mind that,” Spike chided. “Just be ready to leave at sundown. We’re taking only what we need; I’ll have someone come for the rest of our things.” And with that, a blanket-clad Spike was gone and the door was shut.
Xander sat with a sigh in a chair at the table and flipped open his cell phone, thumbing through the call log until he found “Work.” Pressing Talk, he took a deep breath and brought the phone to his ear. “Yeah, Bob, hi. It’s Alex Harris. Yeah, there’s some stuff going on. I’m not going to be able to come in for a couple weeks…”
Nearly a half hour after the sun had fallen, Xander was waiting at the open door to the motel room as an old beetle-black Mustang came spinning and screaming into the parking lot. It swerved, spun and screeched to a stop sideways, taking up two parking spaces, right in front of Xander. Leaving the engine roaring and the radio pumping heavy metal, Spike flew out of the open driver’s side door with all the flourish of an award winning racer.
“Ready, love?” he asked as he jumped across the hood of the car and up the wooden stair. He kissed Xander quickly, intensely.
“Whose car is this?” Xander was finally able to spit out after a moment of looking at it through glazed eyes. Spike already had both suitcases and a box of random necessities crammed into the tiny trunk and was opening the passenger door for Xander.
Spike looked at him wonderingly, head cocked to one side and left eyebrow raised. “Um…ours.”
“No, really,” Xander answered, taking Spike’s hand and lowering himself into the lush black leather interior. Spike slammed the door, the barely heard thwack! making Xander jump. “How did you get us a car?” he asked as Spike plopped down into the driver’s seat and slammed the door closed.
“Told you, Xander,” he explained as he thrust the car into gear. “Arrangements. I know how to get what and where I need.” With a grin that Xander could swear was an imitation of Jafar from the Disney movie, Aladdin, he pressed his Doc Marten down on the accelerator. And Xander suddenly understood why there were harnesses in place of seat belts.
“So free of judgment…And this is yours to share with who you wish…” was throbbing out of the speakers as they entered the club.
Serpent was packed, even for a Friday night. Friday after Thanksgiving, of course everyone’s out getting drunk! Xander thought as they picked their way through the crowd to get to Tuna’s bar.
“ …This is your sanctuary.... sanctuary. There is no boundary , no rule to adhere. There is love, there is hate; there is want, there is need; there is greed…”
“Hey, Kittens!” Tuna called, spotting them as they weaved through the other patrons, finally getting up to the service station. “What’s up?” he asked, handing a tray of please, God, let those be Jell-O shots! shots off to one of the servers.
“… you can laugh, you can cry, for you are free on the inside. This is your sanctuary.... sanctuary…” **
“We came to say bye!” Xander yelled as the song faded.
“Oh, no!” Tuna gasped, waving for one of the other bartenders to come take his spot. He crawled out from behind the bar through the crawlspace and guided them over to one of the lounge areas, which was oddly silent. “Tell me, what happened?”
“Nothing,” Xander headed Spike off from telling the whole story. “We just decided that it’s time to get away, after all.”
“Right.” Tuna nodded. Glancing from Xander to Spike, he added, “So your witch friend found out, and now you need to get out of town?”
“How –” Xander stumbled.
“Yeah, pretty much,” Spike cut him off. “She’s getting some mojo, and no one can say what it is she wants to magic up. So the Slayer gave us a warning, and now we’re off to get away before some of our more important pieces begin to disappear.”
“From what I understand, that’s probably a good idea,” Tuna admitted, mumbling something unintelligible under his breath. “So, where are you going?”
“We have no clue,” Xander said. “Just away. Far, and fast.”
“Probably east, north,” Spike interjected. “Get away from fucking California.”
Tuna was silent for a minute. He appeared to be deep in thought. Xander was about to interrupt his silence, when suddenly he came back to himself.
“Well!” he said with enthusiasm. “I guess you two had better move then, huh? I’m sorry to see you guys go, but I want you to promise to call me to check in, alright? And if you don’t, you’ll have to worry about me finding you and making…parts…disappear.”
“You know we will.” Xander stood and hugged the demon tight. “Thank you for everything.”
“No problem, kiddo. And remember to take care of yourself,” he replied, looking straight into Xander’s eyes. “And your lover!”
“Thanks, mate,” Spike smiled, taking the demon’s hand. Never one to be bashful, Tuna leaned over and kissed the vampire on the cheek.
“Just be good to each other!” Tuna called as they started for the door.
“Look at the bright side, pet,” Spike said, taking Xander’s hand.
“What’s that?”
“You finally get that vacation you always wanted.”
“Yeah, except that in my dream vacation I’m not chased by some psychotic, pissed off witch.”
“Think of it as an adventure.”
“No, thanks. Someone always dies in adventures. And since you’re already dead, that doesn’t equal good odds for me.”
“ You got a fast car. I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere…”
Xander was surprised by how easy it was to laugh, how simple it was to breathe as they neared the outskirts of town. The stereo was calling out. The windows were down, and the cold darkness was rushing through his hair and stabbing his cheeks and eyes. The lights of downtown were fading behind them, and even the street lights were fewer and farther between as they headed towards the open highway.
“Anyplace is better. Starting from zero got nothing to lose. Maybe we’ll make something. But me myself I got nothing to prove…”
Xander hadn’t heard this song in a very long time and, even though it didn’t really apply to his current situation, he found it somehow perfect for this moment. He found himself singing along as Spike laughed and howled out the open window. In the distance, Xander could see a road sign.
You got a fast car. But is it fast enough so we can fly away? We gotta make a decision – we leave tonight or live and die this way…***
As they passed the ‘Now Leaving Sunnydale’ sign, it felt to Xander like twenty years of hate and death and pain slipped away as easily as the pavement slid away beneath the tires of the Mustang. Reaching over, he clenched his hand over Spike’s on the gearshift.
Before them lay only night – sky, stars, road – and mystery.
I can do this, he thought.
Lyrics found in this chapter are from:
* Tori Amos – “Gold Dust”
** Origene – “Sanctuary”
*** Tracy Chapman – “Fast Car”
Author:
chocgood84Rating: NC-17 for brief violence and sexual content
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Yes, I am aware that the timeline is a little screwed up and that Giles didn’t own the Magic Box until after Adam and after Dawn arrived. But in my reality, who’s Dawn? Adam what? Also, a huge spanking thanks to
kitty_poker1 for being my official L2BL beta.Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: Brief violence, nudity, and hetero and homo sexual content and situations. And some h0t man-luvin.
This can also be found in my LJ Memories, as well as on my website.
Also, I'm having problems with my 'net right now, so those still waiting on comment replies, I'm not ignoring you! I just can't get online for long enough to do anything productive.
Still shaking off the nightmare and the surprise of seeing Willow look so devastated, so angry, Xander scrambled out of bed, frantically searching in the darkness for a pair of underwear, jeans, anything. He finally settled for a still-wet towel and knotted it around his waist as he threw open the door and ran out into the cool night. The bright lights of the parking lot stung his eyes; he shielded them with one hand while scanning the lot for the fleeing witch.
He spotted her at the edge of the parking lot, sprinting towards the highway. With one hand holding the towel closed around his waist, he ran after her, wincing as gravel and broken pavement sliced and jabbed his bare feet.
“Willow!” he called after her when he was near enough for her to hear. “Willow, wait!”
Without turning around, she cried back to him, “No, you wait, Xander!” And with a wave of her arm, Xander froze in place, unable to move his legs or arms. He could only watch as she picked up speed and disappeared into the night. As the shadows finally swallowed her fading image, the spell was broken, and Xander, feeling battered and hollow, returned to the motel’s veranda with slumped shoulders and shallow breaths.
He leaned against the railing, staring out at the empty parking lot and the lightening horizon beyond the highway, thinking and not thinking. Playing over and over again in his mind the look on her face, his surprise at finding her when he awoke, chasing after her, failing to reach her…
… Sights and sounds pull me back down another year…
From a room’s open window, music floated across the early morning air, sailing on the soft wind that whipped around the veranda.
Beneath my raincoat, I have your photographs. And the sun on your face - I’m freezing that frame…
Images flittered through Xander’s mind, triggered by the haunting lyrics and soothing voice that sounded like trickling water in a tunnel. Images of being a kid, mostly, with sleepovers at Jesse’s house with them and Willow; of riding their bikes to the canyons out past the woods and Willow getting scared because it was getting dark; high school, before Buffy and before vampires and monsters – before growing up.
How did it go so fast? you’ll say as we are looking back. And then we’ll understand we held gold dust in our hands…
Spike was standing in the doorway behind him, watching him. It seemed like Xander could always feel it when the vampire was around now; could always be aware of being watched, and cared for.
I was here, I was here…
“Your feet are bleeding, love.” Spike spoke softly, barely a whisper. Xander looked down, and indeed his feet were bleeding, footprints leading from the parking lot, up the stairs to where he was leaning against the railing.
“Yeah,” he responded.
Gaslights glow in the street (flickering past). Twilight held us in her palm as we walked along…
“You should come in and let me wash them for you, so they don’t get infected.” Spike was right behind him now, his voice tickling against Xander’s ear.
“I will in a minute.” Xander turned and smiled dryly at his companion, feeling the bitterness in him subside slowly as Spike watched him, sadness in his eyes but a smile on his lips. “Just want to take it all in.”
“Better not take it all in, Xander – you might end up popping apart if you do that.” Spike’s arms wrapped themselves around Xander’s chest and his cool lips pressed against his neck. The sun was coming fast; the sky was already a light violet, gilded with gold at the horizon.
How did it go so fast? you’ll say as we are looking back. And then we’ll understand we held gold dust in our hands… In our hands. *
Xander turned in Spike’s arms, hugging him tightly against his body. He lowered his chin and pressed his lips against Spike’s cool mouth and kissed him, gently, pleadingly. “Let’s go inside,” he whispered tiredly.
By mid afternoon, Xander had stopped shaking. His breathing had returned to normal and he could almost wrap his head around what had happened. The whole fiasco of the past couple of months kept replaying in his mind like a scratched DVD, always looping back to Anya leaving and stuttering through all of the fights with the Scoobies, all of the late nights with Spike. He kept looking for that one, precise moment when everything had changed so drastically.
Mostly, he just wanted to be able to go to sleep. But he was afraid to close his eyes. Afraid the dreams might come back full-force after his visit by Willow. He couldn’t entirely understand why she was so upset, but he was almost sure she had something to do with his nightmares. Her cameos had gotten more frequent and, after the last one, she had been here. Here!
He was sitting up in bed, his back braced against the chipped and scarred headboard, sheet draped across his waist. Beside him, Spike was asleep again. Xander knew he was dreaming, too. Periodically, the vampire would growl, reaching his arms out and searching for Xander beside him. Xander would give Spike his hand, solid and reassuring.
This time, though, Spike’s snarl was followed by his eyes flashing open, gold, and twitching into game face. At the same moment, there was a hard rapping on the door.
“Wondering when you were going to come,” Xander muttered as he swung his legs off the bed and into a pair of lounge pants he had found before going back to bed. “I’m coming,” he called. “Cover up, Spike, it’s daylight.”
“Hey,” he mumbled as he opened the door.
“Hey,” Buffy said. Her voice sounded raw, hoarse. She was standing at the doorway, her arms crossed and her body rigid. Xander couldn’t tell whether she was nervous, upset, or pissed off. An unreadable Slayer is an unpredictable one, he thought grimly.
“Come on in.” He held the door open, gesturing towards the room. She hesitated for half a second, but with a heavy breath she entered ground zero.
“Spike,” she acknowledged, nodding to where he was sitting up in bed, smoking a cigarette. The nightstand light was on and spread yellowish light throughout the room.
“Slayer,” he said.
Xander closed the door and grabbed the chair from the table and placed it next to the Slayer, then sat back down in bed, placing his hand on Spike’s leg.
Disregarding the chair, Buffy’s eyes widened at the sight of Xander being so open in front of her. “So it’s true, what Willow said.”
“Depends on what she said,” Xander replied, his voice as cold and sharp as a razor.
“She said that you, I mean, I…” She slipped and stuttered over her sentence. “Xander, are you gay?”
Xander chose his words carefully, thinking about the best way to answer the question. “No, I’m not gay. I like women, always have.”
“Then I don’t under-”
“But,” he interrupted her, “I’m not straight, either. And before you ask, Spike isn’t the first guy I’ve ever had feelings for.”
“Oh,” she replied. “Then…who?”
“There was a guy in Oxnard last year when I got stuck there. He was the mechanic who worked on my car.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean-” she tried.
“And then there was Jesse.” Xander felt the pain well up inside as the name left his lips. Spike’s arm crossed his shoulders, and he tightened the grip on Spike’s leg. “Before I killed him.”
“You didn’t kill him, Xander. He was a vamp…” Buffy’s words trailed into silence as she glanced from Spike to Xander and back. Sighing, she slumped into the chair Xander had offered her.
“What’s the point of this, Slayer?” Spike’s words were short-tempered.
“I’m just trying to understand,” she explained in a weak voice.
“Understand what, Buffy?” Xander looked straight at her. “The fact that I like guys, or the fact that I like…that I have feelings for Spike?”
“Xander, you know the gay – or bi, or whatever – thing doesn’t bother me. I mean, okay, a little out of the blue, sure, but I can handle that,” Buffy explained. “But Xander, Spike!? I don’t get it. Not six months ago, you hated him. You begged me to stake him. And now you’re…you’re…I don’t know what.”
“I can’t explain it either, Buffy. I just know that I’ve never had anyone make me feel as good, as real as he does.” Xander glanced over at Spike, who was grinning at him. “I just…this feels right, you know?”
“But again, Spike? As in, evil, soulless, ‘I’d kill you all if I didn’t have this chip,’ Spike? Do you really think if he didn’t have that chip that he wouldn’t kill you, Xander?” The pitch of her voice was starting to climb, and her words were charging quickly.
“Careful, girl,” Spike snarled at her.
“Shut up, Spike,” she snapped back at him. “You’ve caused enough trouble. I should have killed you when I had the chance.”
“Hey!” Xander cried, standing up. “You will not talk about killing my boyfriend…lover…whatever.”
“Yeah,” Spike chided from the bed.
“Shut up, Spike,” Xander shouted.
“Alright, fine.” Buffy grimaced, standing up, face to face with Xander. “Do what you want, even if it’s stupid and dangerous.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Buff,” Xander responded wryly. “Let’s not forget that I’m not the only one who happens to be involved with someone who’s highly allergic to sunlight.”
“That was different,” Buffy said through clenched teeth.
“It always is, isn’t it, Buffy?” Xander threw back. “It’s always different for you. Well, this isn’t. Spike doesn’t have a soul. But he doesn’t need one. And at least I won’t have to worry about him losing his soul and going insane and killing everyone.” He knew he shouldn’t have said it. Knew it even as he was saying it. But, damn it, he was tired of this. So tired.
Buffy looked like she’d been slapped. Her shoulders fell forward and her eyes lost some of their light.
“Look,” Buffy said softly. “I came here to talk you out of this, but if I can’t do that…” she paused and looked at the two of them again, “…and it looks like I can’t, I need to warn you. You should leave for a while.”
“What do you mean?” Xander asked.
“I mean Willow is at home right now, looking through her spell books for something. She won’t tell me what it is, and I don’t think I can stop her if she decides to do something.”
“You mean you won’t,” Spike yelled. Buffy just drew herself in even more.
“No,” Xander whispered. “She means she can’t.”
“Don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Just leave. Soon. I don’t know for how long, but I know it’s not safe for you here right now.”
Without another word, Buffy turned and left, leaving Spike growling softly and Xander feeling like he was parachuting with a pack of tin cans instead of the parachute. Any second now, he would slam to earth and shatter to pieces.
Xander, mentally willing himself to move, made his way outside and found Buffy leaning against the same railing he had only hours ago. The crimson footprints still stained the old painted wood of the veranda. She was crying, her back turned to him.
“Buffy?” he called softly, reaching out and touching her shoulder. Slowly, she turned, her eyes red and puffy.
“What happened to us?” she asked. Her voice sounded small, weak. It scared him. “Xander, what happened to us all?”
“I don’t know, Buff,” he admitted, pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her. “I think, I think we all just grew up. We’re not the same people we were in high school.”
She silently nodded her head against his shoulder.
“You know, the last year or so has been pretty hard for me, for all of us, I guess,” Xander was surprised by how open he was about this, by how freely he was able to admit it. “You and Willow off at school. Me and Anya splitting up. Everything’s all topsy turvy, you know? And I love you two, I really do. I just need to be…I just need to be for a while. I finally get that. You guys are going through your things with school, and you have Riley, and Willow has Tara – ”
“And you have Spike,” Buffy snarked bitterly, still hugging him close.
“Don’t be like that, Buffy. Please don’t be like that,” Xander whispered. “I know you don’t understand, and I can’t ask that you do. I can’t even ask that you like him. I just ask for you to be happy that I’m happy. I don’t think that’s too much.”
“You’re right, it’s not too much,” Buffy admitted, pulling away from him. “I can be happy for your happiness. And I don’t understand; I don’t like it; I don’t like him. But I love you, and I guess that’s all that matters.” She smiled shyly at him. “Now you better hurry up. I don’t know how much time you have.”
“We’ll leave at sunset,” he replied, turning back towards the open door as she headed towards the Jeep. “Oh, and Buffy? Thanks.”
She stopped, turned and returned his smile. “You’re welcome. Be careful.”
When Xander returned to the room, Spike was already dressed, a blanket in his hands. “Where do you think you’re going?” Xander asked.
“We’re leaving, yeah?” Spike replied. “Gotta make some arrangements.”
“Like what?” Xander wondered.
“Never you mind that,” Spike chided. “Just be ready to leave at sundown. We’re taking only what we need; I’ll have someone come for the rest of our things.” And with that, a blanket-clad Spike was gone and the door was shut.
Xander sat with a sigh in a chair at the table and flipped open his cell phone, thumbing through the call log until he found “Work.” Pressing Talk, he took a deep breath and brought the phone to his ear. “Yeah, Bob, hi. It’s Alex Harris. Yeah, there’s some stuff going on. I’m not going to be able to come in for a couple weeks…”
Nearly a half hour after the sun had fallen, Xander was waiting at the open door to the motel room as an old beetle-black Mustang came spinning and screaming into the parking lot. It swerved, spun and screeched to a stop sideways, taking up two parking spaces, right in front of Xander. Leaving the engine roaring and the radio pumping heavy metal, Spike flew out of the open driver’s side door with all the flourish of an award winning racer.
“Ready, love?” he asked as he jumped across the hood of the car and up the wooden stair. He kissed Xander quickly, intensely.
“Whose car is this?” Xander was finally able to spit out after a moment of looking at it through glazed eyes. Spike already had both suitcases and a box of random necessities crammed into the tiny trunk and was opening the passenger door for Xander.
Spike looked at him wonderingly, head cocked to one side and left eyebrow raised. “Um…ours.”
“No, really,” Xander answered, taking Spike’s hand and lowering himself into the lush black leather interior. Spike slammed the door, the barely heard thwack! making Xander jump. “How did you get us a car?” he asked as Spike plopped down into the driver’s seat and slammed the door closed.
“Told you, Xander,” he explained as he thrust the car into gear. “Arrangements. I know how to get what and where I need.” With a grin that Xander could swear was an imitation of Jafar from the Disney movie, Aladdin, he pressed his Doc Marten down on the accelerator. And Xander suddenly understood why there were harnesses in place of seat belts.
“So free of judgment…And this is yours to share with who you wish…” was throbbing out of the speakers as they entered the club.
Serpent was packed, even for a Friday night. Friday after Thanksgiving, of course everyone’s out getting drunk! Xander thought as they picked their way through the crowd to get to Tuna’s bar.
“ …This is your sanctuary.... sanctuary. There is no boundary , no rule to adhere. There is love, there is hate; there is want, there is need; there is greed…”
“Hey, Kittens!” Tuna called, spotting them as they weaved through the other patrons, finally getting up to the service station. “What’s up?” he asked, handing a tray of please, God, let those be Jell-O shots! shots off to one of the servers.
“… you can laugh, you can cry, for you are free on the inside. This is your sanctuary.... sanctuary…” **
“We came to say bye!” Xander yelled as the song faded.
“Oh, no!” Tuna gasped, waving for one of the other bartenders to come take his spot. He crawled out from behind the bar through the crawlspace and guided them over to one of the lounge areas, which was oddly silent. “Tell me, what happened?”
“Nothing,” Xander headed Spike off from telling the whole story. “We just decided that it’s time to get away, after all.”
“Right.” Tuna nodded. Glancing from Xander to Spike, he added, “So your witch friend found out, and now you need to get out of town?”
“How –” Xander stumbled.
“Yeah, pretty much,” Spike cut him off. “She’s getting some mojo, and no one can say what it is she wants to magic up. So the Slayer gave us a warning, and now we’re off to get away before some of our more important pieces begin to disappear.”
“From what I understand, that’s probably a good idea,” Tuna admitted, mumbling something unintelligible under his breath. “So, where are you going?”
“We have no clue,” Xander said. “Just away. Far, and fast.”
“Probably east, north,” Spike interjected. “Get away from fucking California.”
Tuna was silent for a minute. He appeared to be deep in thought. Xander was about to interrupt his silence, when suddenly he came back to himself.
“Well!” he said with enthusiasm. “I guess you two had better move then, huh? I’m sorry to see you guys go, but I want you to promise to call me to check in, alright? And if you don’t, you’ll have to worry about me finding you and making…parts…disappear.”
“You know we will.” Xander stood and hugged the demon tight. “Thank you for everything.”
“No problem, kiddo. And remember to take care of yourself,” he replied, looking straight into Xander’s eyes. “And your lover!”
“Thanks, mate,” Spike smiled, taking the demon’s hand. Never one to be bashful, Tuna leaned over and kissed the vampire on the cheek.
“Just be good to each other!” Tuna called as they started for the door.
“Look at the bright side, pet,” Spike said, taking Xander’s hand.
“What’s that?”
“You finally get that vacation you always wanted.”
“Yeah, except that in my dream vacation I’m not chased by some psychotic, pissed off witch.”
“Think of it as an adventure.”
“No, thanks. Someone always dies in adventures. And since you’re already dead, that doesn’t equal good odds for me.”
“ You got a fast car. I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere…”
Xander was surprised by how easy it was to laugh, how simple it was to breathe as they neared the outskirts of town. The stereo was calling out. The windows were down, and the cold darkness was rushing through his hair and stabbing his cheeks and eyes. The lights of downtown were fading behind them, and even the street lights were fewer and farther between as they headed towards the open highway.
“Anyplace is better. Starting from zero got nothing to lose. Maybe we’ll make something. But me myself I got nothing to prove…”
Xander hadn’t heard this song in a very long time and, even though it didn’t really apply to his current situation, he found it somehow perfect for this moment. He found himself singing along as Spike laughed and howled out the open window. In the distance, Xander could see a road sign.
You got a fast car. But is it fast enough so we can fly away? We gotta make a decision – we leave tonight or live and die this way…***
As they passed the ‘Now Leaving Sunnydale’ sign, it felt to Xander like twenty years of hate and death and pain slipped away as easily as the pavement slid away beneath the tires of the Mustang. Reaching over, he clenched his hand over Spike’s on the gearshift.
Before them lay only night – sky, stars, road – and mystery.
I can do this, he thought.
Lyrics found in this chapter are from:
* Tori Amos – “Gold Dust”
** Origene – “Sanctuary”
*** Tracy Chapman – “Fast Car”
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Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
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Loved the chapter sweetie, especially this one part:
“Think of it as an adventure.”
“No, thanks. Someone always dies in adventures. And since you’re already dead, that doesn’t equal good odds for me.”
*giggles* That's so Xander.
Stay safe in the heat hun; carry water with you wherever you go!
~Nebula
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Thank you, sweety!
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I love that Buffy and he didn't leave on completely bad terms. Ihope willow will eventualy come around
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*snogs*
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I bow before your art.
- Delilah
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Thank you so much, luv!
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I can do this, he thought."
Oh nice ending:) But damn Willow anyway!