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ahem.
#1) I have officially begun Final Exam Preperation Mode. Essentially this means there are four ashtrays scattered around my apartment overfilling with butts. And also that I have decided to buy stock in Caribou Coffee, and Red Bull.
#2) I am currently addicted to the Dixie Chicks. how did I never hear them and love them before? I don't know.
#3) I have also completed Phase I of Operation Pre-Parent Clense. I just spent three hours cleaning my kitchen. Now, for anyone who has seen my kitchen, you know that three hours is much too much time for such a tiny space. But trust me, it was needed. *gag* I am a bachelor. Tomorrow, I move to Phase II: The Bathroom. And I spend more time in there than in the kitchen. I'm askeered. Later this week, I'll be tackling Phases III, IV, V, and VI: Closets, Carpet, Living Room, and Windows/Mirrors.
#4) I have met someone new. Well, actually two someones new. One is Charlie, who is the sweetest guy ever. Just moved here from Boston; Architect; completed 3 degrees at Vanderbuilt. The other is Jeff. Lived in Chicago forever; owns his own chemical company and services the City of Chicago. Upcoming (as in, when I get back from my vacation) dates with both. More on them as situations develop. You can all say "whoot" if you want. I know I did.
#5) I now have only 8 days left until my graduation ceremony. And as such, I have written the following composition:
1) I have learned that some of my best academic writing is done under the influence of drugs, including but not limited to: caffiene, nicotine, various pain killers or energy pills, alcohol, and/or contact marijuana.
2) Teachers do not like it if you know more than they do about any subject. If you find yourself in a situation where the professor is completely talking out of his or her derriere, and you know this, you have one of two options:
3) It is entirely possible to fake your way through any paper, exam, or class, if you commit to your argument. eg; "actually you are completely wrong, Professor {insert his or her name here}, because according the the philosopher John Henry, our perception of reality becomes our reality, and therefore, everything is relative. You might say coming to your class reeking of alcohol and stale cigarett smoke is a distraction to my fellow students, but I percieve that it is not. So as you can see, I am right, and you are wrong. (note that this example employs item 2b. follow from this example.)
4) Pertaining to exams, if your exam will consist of essay questions (or, as some professors prefer to call it - "short" answer), you need only to know general ideas about the given subject, so study on the headers of each topic in your text and lectures: this is all you need to know to BS your way through to a straight B. if you exam consists of mostly multiple choice questions, it is better to search for the most obscure, odd, irrelevant detail about the given subject, because that is how the professor is trying to find out if you have studied the material.
5) It is not acceptable to leave the classroom to answer a ringing cell phone. Here is a tip: put your ringer on Vibrate, and keep the phone in your jeans or pants pocket, or hold it between your legs during class. If it starts vibrating, casually (do not hurry - this attracts attention, and besides, you can always call the caller back) stretch, stand, and move into the hallway. Make sure the classroom door is completely closed before answering the phone. Once you become an expert at this, the whole sequence of events should take no more than 30 seconds.
6) If you meet the dean of your school, college, or university, do not notify them of the spinache in their teeth, the stain on their tie, or that tiny splotch of dried snot under their nose.
7) When emailing professors, it is always best to open the email with "Hello, Prof. {insert name here}, my name is...}. Using "Dear" is much too close, and old fashioned. And always close with "Thank You." This makes it appear that you do need their help, and that you are pleased to recieve it.
8) If you miss too much of a particular class, or think you will, it is always a good idea to either hit on someone in that class, or become close friends with someone in that class, and speak to them about once a week. This way, they don't think the better of it when you need to borrow their notes to copy.
9) It is a general rule that the hotter a professor is, the dumber/harder they are. So, while going to class may actually be entertaining because of the daydreams, remember the consequence is severe amounts of homework and exam work.
10) Always raise your hand, even if you do not know the correct answer; even if you did not hear the question. If you are wrong, the professor will correct you, but you still get your participation points for that day. And if you are right, you get bonus points, because, kudos - you were paying attention. Either that, or you have now become an expert BSer. Congratulations.
#1) I have officially begun Final Exam Preperation Mode. Essentially this means there are four ashtrays scattered around my apartment overfilling with butts. And also that I have decided to buy stock in Caribou Coffee, and Red Bull.
#2) I am currently addicted to the Dixie Chicks. how did I never hear them and love them before? I don't know.
#3) I have also completed Phase I of Operation Pre-Parent Clense. I just spent three hours cleaning my kitchen. Now, for anyone who has seen my kitchen, you know that three hours is much too much time for such a tiny space. But trust me, it was needed. *gag* I am a bachelor. Tomorrow, I move to Phase II: The Bathroom. And I spend more time in there than in the kitchen. I'm askeered. Later this week, I'll be tackling Phases III, IV, V, and VI: Closets, Carpet, Living Room, and Windows/Mirrors.
#4) I have met someone new. Well, actually two someones new. One is Charlie, who is the sweetest guy ever. Just moved here from Boston; Architect; completed 3 degrees at Vanderbuilt. The other is Jeff. Lived in Chicago forever; owns his own chemical company and services the City of Chicago. Upcoming (as in, when I get back from my vacation) dates with both. More on them as situations develop. You can all say "whoot" if you want. I know I did.
#5) I now have only 8 days left until my graduation ceremony. And as such, I have written the following composition:
1) I have learned that some of my best academic writing is done under the influence of drugs, including but not limited to: caffiene, nicotine, various pain killers or energy pills, alcohol, and/or contact marijuana.
a. this is especially true between the hours of 2am and 6am, specifically on the day that said writing is due.
b. apparently if you show up to class two minutes late, looking like you are just returning from Nam, with the ink still drying on your paper, that is sufficient effort required to pass the assignment.
2) Teachers do not like it if you know more than they do about any subject. If you find yourself in a situation where the professor is completely talking out of his or her derriere, and you know this, you have one of two options:
a. you can sit back, say nothing, and just repeat verbatum what they have said on the final and pass with the knowledge that you know better. or
b. you can politely raise your hand and say "actually, you are completely wrong, and here's why." (please note that choosing this option is not recommended if you plan on doing well in the class, or if you are trying to score points with the professor, specifically if it is a tenured professor)
3) It is entirely possible to fake your way through any paper, exam, or class, if you commit to your argument. eg; "actually you are completely wrong, Professor {insert his or her name here}, because according the the philosopher John Henry, our perception of reality becomes our reality, and therefore, everything is relative. You might say coming to your class reeking of alcohol and stale cigarett smoke is a distraction to my fellow students, but I percieve that it is not. So as you can see, I am right, and you are wrong. (note that this example employs item 2b. follow from this example.)
4) Pertaining to exams, if your exam will consist of essay questions (or, as some professors prefer to call it - "short" answer), you need only to know general ideas about the given subject, so study on the headers of each topic in your text and lectures: this is all you need to know to BS your way through to a straight B. if you exam consists of mostly multiple choice questions, it is better to search for the most obscure, odd, irrelevant detail about the given subject, because that is how the professor is trying to find out if you have studied the material.
a. On MC tests, if you are presented only once or twice with an option "D. None (or All) of the above," it's a pretty good guess that this is the correct answer. However, if there is an option "D. None (or All) of the above," for every question, it is aproximately 99% NEVER correct. Do not be fooled by this.
b. If you are testing on a scantron and do not know the material, use the following patterns: I) If the professor is over the age of 60, they generally like to emply the simple zig-zag pattern of answers (so question 1. is "a", question 2. is "b", etc,) going back and forth until it is completed. II) If the professor is a Ph.D. (or MD) between the ages of 40 - 60, they generally prefer the back and forth method (question 1. is "a", question 2. is "d," question 3. is "b," and so on. III) If the professor is a Ph.D. (or MD) under 40, they generally prefer the straight-down approach (questions 1., 2., & 3. are all "a," and questions 4., 5., & 6. are all "b," and so on. IV) If your professor is a Master's student, you are SOL because they hate you and are trying to make you fail.
5) It is not acceptable to leave the classroom to answer a ringing cell phone. Here is a tip: put your ringer on Vibrate, and keep the phone in your jeans or pants pocket, or hold it between your legs during class. If it starts vibrating, casually (do not hurry - this attracts attention, and besides, you can always call the caller back) stretch, stand, and move into the hallway. Make sure the classroom door is completely closed before answering the phone. Once you become an expert at this, the whole sequence of events should take no more than 30 seconds.
a. TXT messaging is a godsend during those boring classes, but only when used properly. For this, keep your phone in your bag or purse, and to send or recieve your texts, plung both hands into the bag, and move your hands around while messaging, and periodically pull a pencil, pen, lipstick, or notebook out of the bag. This will give and reinforce the apearence that you are searching for a specific item in your bag. Do not make eye contact with your professor, or they will know.
b. also, as a general rule, lock your phone, and privatize your call log/message history, in case you have a particluarily obnoxious professor who just might confenscate your phone and try reading your texts to the class.
6) If you meet the dean of your school, college, or university, do not notify them of the spinache in their teeth, the stain on their tie, or that tiny splotch of dried snot under their nose.
7) When emailing professors, it is always best to open the email with "Hello, Prof. {insert name here}, my name is...}. Using "Dear" is much too close, and old fashioned. And always close with "Thank You." This makes it appear that you do need their help, and that you are pleased to recieve it.
8) If you miss too much of a particular class, or think you will, it is always a good idea to either hit on someone in that class, or become close friends with someone in that class, and speak to them about once a week. This way, they don't think the better of it when you need to borrow their notes to copy.
9) It is a general rule that the hotter a professor is, the dumber/harder they are. So, while going to class may actually be entertaining because of the daydreams, remember the consequence is severe amounts of homework and exam work.
10) Always raise your hand, even if you do not know the correct answer; even if you did not hear the question. If you are wrong, the professor will correct you, but you still get your participation points for that day. And if you are right, you get bonus points, because, kudos - you were paying attention. Either that, or you have now become an expert BSer. Congratulations.
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