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We all know I've been a bit...er...crazy? lately. What with the serious bad day/good day sad/angry/happy mood swing type issues. I've had a lot on my mind, things I haven't posted about or haven't posted publicly for whatever reason. Anyway, I've decided that it's not a good thing to keep everything all bottled up (hello? psychmajor finally gets a clue?). So this is me making amends for a few things that have been bugging me or making me a little crazy. I'm putting it behind a cut because, frankly, I'm doubtful that you all really want to read it. I'm not using names, because I know who I am talking about, and that's all that matters. And as a repeat of my general LJ disclaimer - I am doing this for me, and me alone. I'm not doing it for anyone else or because of anyone else.
1. I am sorry that I could never and will never be the person you want me to be. But I am angry that you expect me to be anyone other than who I am. I am angry that I made so many decisions with you in mind that I never got to really know what I wanted, to find out who I am supposed to be. I feel cheated because this life is mine, and by always worrying about what you thought of my decisions, I lost many things that I now think would have helped me so much. I love you, and I always will, but you have to let me live my life. You have to let me make the choices that I want and suffer the consequences. You have to let me be me. I've spent so much time trying to prove myself to you and to make you proud that I never learned how to do things for me. And this is now my time to do that. I'm not looking back, and I'm not looking forward. I'm just trying to be. So please, step back, let me go, and let me do this.
2. I am angry with you. I tell people it's fine, that it was a long time ago, that I'm over it, and that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Mostly, that's true. But there's still a piece of me that wonders how you did what you did. How could you do that to me? Knowing everything that you knew, knowing that I trusted you, and knowing - or at least suspecting - my feelings for you. How could you lay next to me every night and lay with someone else every day? How many nights did I lie awake making sure you didn't have another nightmare, or make sure you didn't stop breathing in your sleep? How many times did I turn down my friends so that you could be with yours? And you still betrayed me like that. As if that weren't enough - you let me find out the way that I did. That's what hurts the most, and that's what is so hard to forgive. I heard it from a stranger, a total stranger. And on top of that you told everyone that it was okay because I knew, though no one said a word. I have to let go of this eventually, but there will probably always be a part of me that's angry at you for what you did. And that wonders why you did it. Am I not good enough? Am I not...enough? I wish I knew.
3. I am sorry that our relationship go so complicated. Friends, fuckbuddies, friends, enemies, friends, nothing. And I know it was about 90% my fault because I was so insecure and so...unsure. Of myself, of you, of everything. Honeslty I think the biggest reason I was so crazy about it is because I heard from so many other people how bad it was, how awful it was, and how stupid I was for doing it. I shouldn't have listened to them; I should have done what I wanted to do, and felt the way I wanted to. But, I didn't. And I know that that is my fault, and my problem. I don't think we were ever as good of friends as we wanted to be, but I sort of wish now things had turned out differently. But on the flip side, I think it's best that it turned out the way that it did. Maybe if everything had been different...but, that doesn't matter now, does it? I really do hope you the best, though. And I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.
4. I am also sorry if I caused you any pain. I didn't know what else to do, so I took the cowardice way out and said nothing, did nothing, and let it lay there until it died. There are some days when I want to pick up the phone so badly and tell you about my day and hear about yours. But then I remember all of the drama and the meanness and so many things that I don't want or need in my life. I know you didn't mean to, but when you were around, I didn't like myself at all. You criticized, you picked, you attacked my opinions and ideas and thoughts like they were nothing until finally I just gave in to make you stop. Towards the end, I just stopped talking. Did you notice? I was afraid to talk because anything I said could be twisted or turned against me, or become bait for you to pounce on. The truth is, I usually wound up feeling worse about myself when I hung up the phone after talking to you. Frustrated, alone, with no one to talk to. That's not the way it's supposed to be. And in your own way, you betrayed me. I don't think you meant to, but ignorance doesn't equal innosence. By the same token, I guess I'm just as much to blame. If I had stood up and said what I wanted or felt like, despite how you felt about things, maybe we would have been more equal. Or maybe you would have gotten angry and stopped talking to me. I know you were confused, are confused, about everything - because I never explained it to you. But you had to have known, had to have thought something was wrong. But you never asked, and I never told.
5. To you, I think I'm most sorry for. I never gave you a chance to live, or to learn. I never let you have fun. I never let you trust people, or get close to them, save for a precious few. I've treated you so badly for so long, that now you don't know what to do, don't know how to act or think or feel without the pressure of everyone around you knudging and pulling you this way and that. I made you sit alone everywhere you weant. I made you afraid to talk to people, to establish connections, because I thought at the time that was how a person should act if he wants to survive. I've done so many stupid things to you over the years, and now I see that I was wrong. Look around you. You have so many wonderful people who care about you. You don't have to doubt yourself anymore. You don't have to put yourself down, or grimace everytime you look in the mirror. You don't need to hide who you really are. Because who you really are is a decent person with big dreams and a bigger heart. I just wish you would let that show more. Not everyone has to act hollow. Not everyone has to wake up and glare at the sun because it's another day. Someday, you will find someone who loves you. Someday you'll know that feeling. But I also know that you can be happy until then. I hope you start to see that soon, because what's the point of life if won't stop and smile every so often?
1. I am sorry that I could never and will never be the person you want me to be. But I am angry that you expect me to be anyone other than who I am. I am angry that I made so many decisions with you in mind that I never got to really know what I wanted, to find out who I am supposed to be. I feel cheated because this life is mine, and by always worrying about what you thought of my decisions, I lost many things that I now think would have helped me so much. I love you, and I always will, but you have to let me live my life. You have to let me make the choices that I want and suffer the consequences. You have to let me be me. I've spent so much time trying to prove myself to you and to make you proud that I never learned how to do things for me. And this is now my time to do that. I'm not looking back, and I'm not looking forward. I'm just trying to be. So please, step back, let me go, and let me do this.
2. I am angry with you. I tell people it's fine, that it was a long time ago, that I'm over it, and that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Mostly, that's true. But there's still a piece of me that wonders how you did what you did. How could you do that to me? Knowing everything that you knew, knowing that I trusted you, and knowing - or at least suspecting - my feelings for you. How could you lay next to me every night and lay with someone else every day? How many nights did I lie awake making sure you didn't have another nightmare, or make sure you didn't stop breathing in your sleep? How many times did I turn down my friends so that you could be with yours? And you still betrayed me like that. As if that weren't enough - you let me find out the way that I did. That's what hurts the most, and that's what is so hard to forgive. I heard it from a stranger, a total stranger. And on top of that you told everyone that it was okay because I knew, though no one said a word. I have to let go of this eventually, but there will probably always be a part of me that's angry at you for what you did. And that wonders why you did it. Am I not good enough? Am I not...enough? I wish I knew.
3. I am sorry that our relationship go so complicated. Friends, fuckbuddies, friends, enemies, friends, nothing. And I know it was about 90% my fault because I was so insecure and so...unsure. Of myself, of you, of everything. Honeslty I think the biggest reason I was so crazy about it is because I heard from so many other people how bad it was, how awful it was, and how stupid I was for doing it. I shouldn't have listened to them; I should have done what I wanted to do, and felt the way I wanted to. But, I didn't. And I know that that is my fault, and my problem. I don't think we were ever as good of friends as we wanted to be, but I sort of wish now things had turned out differently. But on the flip side, I think it's best that it turned out the way that it did. Maybe if everything had been different...but, that doesn't matter now, does it? I really do hope you the best, though. And I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.
4. I am also sorry if I caused you any pain. I didn't know what else to do, so I took the cowardice way out and said nothing, did nothing, and let it lay there until it died. There are some days when I want to pick up the phone so badly and tell you about my day and hear about yours. But then I remember all of the drama and the meanness and so many things that I don't want or need in my life. I know you didn't mean to, but when you were around, I didn't like myself at all. You criticized, you picked, you attacked my opinions and ideas and thoughts like they were nothing until finally I just gave in to make you stop. Towards the end, I just stopped talking. Did you notice? I was afraid to talk because anything I said could be twisted or turned against me, or become bait for you to pounce on. The truth is, I usually wound up feeling worse about myself when I hung up the phone after talking to you. Frustrated, alone, with no one to talk to. That's not the way it's supposed to be. And in your own way, you betrayed me. I don't think you meant to, but ignorance doesn't equal innosence. By the same token, I guess I'm just as much to blame. If I had stood up and said what I wanted or felt like, despite how you felt about things, maybe we would have been more equal. Or maybe you would have gotten angry and stopped talking to me. I know you were confused, are confused, about everything - because I never explained it to you. But you had to have known, had to have thought something was wrong. But you never asked, and I never told.
5. To you, I think I'm most sorry for. I never gave you a chance to live, or to learn. I never let you have fun. I never let you trust people, or get close to them, save for a precious few. I've treated you so badly for so long, that now you don't know what to do, don't know how to act or think or feel without the pressure of everyone around you knudging and pulling you this way and that. I made you sit alone everywhere you weant. I made you afraid to talk to people, to establish connections, because I thought at the time that was how a person should act if he wants to survive. I've done so many stupid things to you over the years, and now I see that I was wrong. Look around you. You have so many wonderful people who care about you. You don't have to doubt yourself anymore. You don't have to put yourself down, or grimace everytime you look in the mirror. You don't need to hide who you really are. Because who you really are is a decent person with big dreams and a bigger heart. I just wish you would let that show more. Not everyone has to act hollow. Not everyone has to wake up and glare at the sun because it's another day. Someday, you will find someone who loves you. Someday you'll know that feeling. But I also know that you can be happy until then. I hope you start to see that soon, because what's the point of life if won't stop and smile every so often?
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