![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 13/ ?
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Disclaimer: Characters in this fic, aside from original characters, are property of ME and Joss Whedon. I’m just playing; I get no reward. Don’t sue, I’m poor.
Warning: Just the standard: Slashfic, with some brief episodes of het sex. Some graphic scenes of violence, sexual situations, and other assorted adult situations.
Author’s Note: This is my latest WIP, and it’s coinciding with my last year of college. I may or may not get to update very frequently – but I have no plans of discontinuing or abandoning it, so if you’re patient – there will be more. Also, this is somewhat AU in the sense that Dawn doesn’t exist, and Adam was never created so the initiative is still around for the time being. Also, a big thank you to the official L2bL beta,kittypoker1.
Previous parts can be found at my website, or in my Livejournal Memories.
As per usual, the thumpa thumpa beat of the bass and the sounds of Sunnydale’s hippest and coolest cats all talking, screaming and dancing could be heard a few blocks away from the Bronze.
The night air was cool, with that hint of coldness that rarely visits southern California. For some reason, cool air always meant clean air to Xander, and he gasped it in as if it would soon be rationed, one freezing lungful after the other. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he and Spike walked quietly towards the club.
“You know, some day I want to see winter,” he said, looking up at the clear sky. Something about the cool air always made it look like the stars were painted on black glass and lit from behind.
“What do you mean, ‘see winter?’” Spike asked between drags of his cigarette.
“I’ve never seen winter, or snow, or anything firsthand,” Xander explained. “All I know about snow is that it’s cold and wet, and that’s only because of that freak snowstorm we had a couple years ago – and even that melted before I could actually do anything. It was sixty degrees the next day.”
Spike stopped mid-stride and turned to gawk at Xander with one eyebrow perched high above the other. “You mean to tell me that you’ve never been anywhere but Sunnyhell during winter?”
“That’s about the ‘it’ of it, yeah. But someday I’m going to. Don’t want to be stuck here forever, you know?”
“Believe me, I know,” Spike muttered, turning and walking towards the Bronze. “You’re missing out – some of the best times can be had when the snow’s piled up against the doors and windows.”
“Yeah, snowmen and snowball fights and sledding and-”
“I’m talking about inside,” Spike interjected, his voice dropping low. “Winter nights are longer, and colder. S’the perfect time to be trapped inside with someone with only a stock of firewood, a flannel blanket and a case of Jack.”
“What…?” Xander puzzled, walking faster to keep up with Mr. Long Strides. “…Oh, I get it. Hehe, yeah, I guess that’d be fun too.”
“Sometime you should go up to the mountains, or further east. That’s where winter lives. They’ve got the kind of cold that makes you feel like your flesh is turning into crystals and the kind of warmth that makes it feel like it’s melting off you.”
Xander sighed, dreaming of the day he’d get out of Sunnydale. Not forever; it was still his home and probably always would be. But just for a little while, he’d like to get out – further out than Oxnard this time – to get away, and see something other than demons and apocalypses and palm trees and desert. There had to be more, didn’t there?
“…could there be any more?” Spike was asking.
“Huh, what?” Xander stumbled over a raised sidewalk panel.
“I said that it looks like juniors’ night with so many bloody kids lined up – could there be any more?” Spike repeated, pointing a block ahead at the Bronze’s velvet rope, behind which a line of Camp Snoopy rejects trailed as far as the eye could see.
“What else is there to do in Sunnydale except get eaten or drink lots and lots of coffee?” Xander asked. “Eh, it’s almost ten o’clock anyway; they’ll be kicked out soon.”
“Good riddance. I’d hate to accidentally eat one.”
“Yeah, because that would so happen without the chip doing the can-can of death and pain on your brain.”
“Hey, you dream of winter, I’ll dream of food,” Spike replied with a tinge of bitterness.
Xander was about to respond, but at the moment he couldn’t find the right words. Something about humans not being food. But…to Spike, blood was like air. Of course, so was being annoying, but still…
They passed the last block in silence, arriving at the crowded club just as the minors were being asked to leave. Nearly everyone still in line groaned and whined, but turned away nonetheless, their shoulders hunched and their heads down. Once the mouseketeers had left, there were only two people in the line as Spike and Xander slid into it. The bouncer gave the nod and all four of them entered.
The thumpa thumpa of Generation X Divas bubble gum pop gave way to more classic rock, and the entire mood of the club seemed to shift with it. The Beatles were singing one of their hits as Xander made his way to the bar, Spike in tow with cash in hand. The crowd tonight was scarce, but it was still early. There were only two people in front of Xander when he noticed the Beatles had given way to Queen, and his earlier smile returned. He started singing along with the song that any good child of the ‘80s should know.
… Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets…
“Uh, two Jack and Cokes please,” Xander called to the bartender when he was signaled. Looking over his shoulder at Spike and holding out his hand, he was rewarded with a twenty. He threw it on the bar and waited for the ‘tender to make the drinks.
… It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!…
Xander didn’t realize that he actually was screaming the last line until the bartender jumped back a little, dropping some of his change. Xander laughed and picked up the drinks, handing one back to Spike. Leaving the biggest bill for a tip and pocketing the rest, he nodded towards the tables in the back where the lights weren’t as bright.
… Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn…
They chose a table in the corner with a view of the entrance, bar, and dancefloor. Over the past couple of months that he and Spike had been coming to the club together, they’d gotten into the habit of sitting in a comfortable silence while people watching – Xander just for the fun of it, and Spike probably for the longing of it.
… love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of caring…
“So it must be pretty hard for you, huh?” Xander asked.
“What’s that?” Spike asked, averting his gaze from a tall brunette on the dance floor and turning towards Xander.
…This is our last dance…this is ourselves…under pressure…*
“Not being able to hunt.”
“Hard’s not the right word, Xander,” Spike said, his eyes catching Xander’s.
“Well, no, I guess it’s not,” he replied, holding the vampire’s gaze.
“It’s like…” Spike lowered his sight to the drink his fingertips were idly wandering around. “It’s…”
“You don’t have tell me,” Xander offered. “I was just – I was just wondering, just trying to understand. But if you-”
“No!” Spike yelped. “No, it’s alright. It’s just – it’s just hard to explain, is all.”
Xander only nodded his reply, a silent acknowledgement that he knew nothing was as simple as he’d once thought it was. No black or white, right or wrong. There was only the empty space between where everything got lost.
“It’s not a proper comparison,” Spike explained. His eyes were focused on the table in front of him, but his voice was far away. So far away. “But it’s like someone’s locked you in a glass cage that’s soundproof. Everyone can see you, and you can see everyone, but you can’t hear them, nor them you. There’s no way out, and you look down to find yourself naked. Not tied, not restrained at all…”
Spike paused for a minute, spinning the glass between his hands. In one solid, graceful, movement, he picked it up and drank it all at once, setting it back on the table. He remained quiet for a moment, as if puzzled by the situation he was in – like he didn’t understand it, either. Xander waited for him to go on.
“No, you’re not restrained. But you’re naked, and cold. And hungry – so fucking hungry you want to gnaw your own arm off. But you can’t because you know it won’t help. You know you’ll still be burning inside with the wanting, needing, something that you can’t have. And you look through the glass – and there it is. The very thing that will make you better. The thing that’ll make the bloody pain go away.” Spike paused again, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he was staring straight into Xander’s eyes, but it wasn’t Xander he was looking at. His sight had gone to wherever the voice was.
“So you start clawing at the glass, banging on it, throwing yourself at it, trying to crack it. And there’s all kinds of people right outside, staring straight at you. They know how to open the cage; they know the way to get you out. But they’re just standing there, watching. Some are smiling, some are laughing. Others are angry, crying. But no one’s helping, like they don’t understand why you can’t just get out. And you’re still trying to break the glass, and you know you can’t, but it hurts too much not to try. Again and again, until your fingers are blistered and raw from the pounding, and your body’s bruised from slamming into it. All you can do is scream. All you can do is scream and scream because it almost helps the pain, almost takes your mind off it. But the thing is – no one can hear you. No one can hear you screaming and crying to get out. And they just keep watching. They just watch while you get smaller and smaller as the pain starts to eat away at you…”
Spike was finished. He was still looking at something somewhere else, while Xander sat there, imagining how horrible that would be. The truth was, he couldn’t - not really. And what made him feel even worse was that this was probably a pale comparison to how Spike actually felt, what he actually had to live with.
“Spike, I’m sorry,” Xander whispered. He wasn’t sure if Spike could hear him over the din in the room, but he meant it. Heavy of heart, he meant it.
“S’not your fault, Xander,” and just like that, Spike was back. Looking at him, with that same hard look on his face.
“I mean for all the shit I gave you. I didn’t know –”
“No, you didn’t,” Spike agreed. “And you still don’t. Never will.”
Xander’s head fell, not wanting to look the vampire in the eyes.
“But thanks for that,” Spike said.
Xander looked back up at him with a smile on his face. “You’re-” The smile disappeared as he looked towards the entrance. “Shit!”
Buffy, Willow and Tara came through the door. Buffy and Willow were talking excitedly about something, and Tara seemed to be enjoying the banter. Her arm was linked with Willow’s and her smile was almost as big as her heart.
“What?” Spike asked, turning to look in the same direction. “Great. Just what I wanted tonight – the slayer nippin’ at my heels.”
“Shit shit shit!” Xander panicked. “I told them I wasn’t going out tonight. Fuck!”
“Calm down, Harris!” Spike scolded. “Keep your head about you; it’s not the bloody end of the world.”
“We have to go,” Xander insisted, standing up too fast and almost making his stool fall over. “We have to go now. Right now.”
“Alright, okay, we’ll go,” Spike complied. “Just try not to kill yourself in the process, yeah?”
Xander started to shuffle towards the door along the wall, trying to hide himself behind the dancers and the swaying drunks. He looked back once to find Spike only a step behind him. He was only a few yards away from the exit. The girls had made their way towards the bar. Buffy and Willow had their backs to the door, but Tara was looking out at the crowd and saw him, freezing Xander in his tracks.
The two of them stared at each other, their eyes going wide. Someone had turned up the heat, because suddenly Xander was sweating in places he hadn’t known even existed. Tara glanced at something right behind Xander, nodded, and looked back to Xander. She smiled a curious smile and nodded towards the door.
Xander didn’t question it or pause to even mouth ‘thank you’, but instead ran to the door, almost knocking over a woman in too-high heels and a too-short skirt, much to the amusement of Spike, who was out the door and leaning against the wall before Xander could even get around the lady.
Three blocks and a hundred deep breaths later, and he was none too happy when Spike started howling in laughter. Xander stopped mid-stride and turned to glare at the snarky vampire who found his torture so laughable. And he was just about to open his mouth to say something, but instead laughter came tumbling out of him as well.
The two of them leaned up against the front window of a downtown shop, laughing so hard that Xander had to sit down to catch his breath. Spike crouched beside him, smiling and chuckling as Xander wheezed and coughed breath back into himself. When his pulse and breathing finally returned to what passed for normal, he glared at Spike, who glared right back at him.
“Alright,” he gave up. “I’ll admit it; that was funny.”
“You mean running from the slayer who is also your friend, your other friend’s love covering it up, or the part where you nearly kill yourself and an innocent woman trying to flee?”
“Pretty much all of it,” Xander said with a grin.
“Wanna try and find someplace else to get snockered at?” Spike asked after a few minutes.
“Sounds good to me,” Xander agreed.
“I heard there’s a new place open over on Elm,” Spike offered, standing up. “Could check it out before the neighborhood beasties burn it to the ground.”
“Then let’s get to it,” Xander said, looking up to find Spike’s hand outstretched to him. He took it, letting Spike pull him up with too much ease.
“Xander?” Spike asked, looking him directly in the eye.
“Yeah?”
“Why did you ask about the chip tonight?”
“Three reasons, actually,” Xander paraphrased.. “Number one being that the past few weeks, you’ve really tried not to annoy me or piss me off. Number two being that the more I see of you, the more I realize you’re not the…how did that go? Oh right, the ‘pompous prick you pretend to be, and that there just might be something worth salvaging in you’.”
“What’s the third reason?” Spike asked with a grin.
“That’s a conversation for another night,” Xander smiled, realizing that they were still holding hands. He released his hold, but not quickly, not disgustedly. Instead, he let Spike’s hand slip from his like a leaf blown from a tree: gently, softly. Comfortably.
“I suppose it is,” Spike said, turning towards Elm Street with a smile on his face. “I suppose it is…”
***
“Well…this is definitely, uh, new,” Xander laughed as they entered the bar – there was no name on the sign out front. It was just a chrome sign with the image of a serpent lit up on it, the colors changing constantly.
“Can’t say I heard that it was this kinda place,” Spike admitted, peering around the room and sidestepping a demony version of Bette Middler. “Do you wanna…?” He pointed back towards the door.
“Huh?” Xander asked, preoccupied with staring at the human Marilyn Monroe look-alike at the bar drinking a Bud Light.
“I asked if you wanted to go,” Spike called into his ear, making Xander jump.
“What? No way!” Xander turned to Spike with a grin stretched across his face. “Let’s at least have a drink and see what’s up.”
Spike just shrugged and led them to the two empty stools at the end of the bar. The bar itself was done up like space-age Christmas on acid. All chrome and frosted glass with little toys and ornaments stuck into every nook and cranny and colored lights glowing from behind the glass.
“Have we somehow wandered into your head?” Spike asked Xander as they sat down, flagging over the shirtless bartender.
“Of course,” Xander nodded. “Inside my head there’s a gay slash demon slash drag bar playing disco with oodles of go-go dancers and shirtless cocktailers and bartenders.”
“Just checking,” Spike laughed. He turned to the bartender, who looked human, aside from the treasure trail of scales running from his belly button into his extremely low-rise jeans. “Two Jack and Cokes, mate.”
“Coming right up, cutie.” The bartender flashed a smile of extremely white, and extremely sharp looking, teeth at the two of them and turned back to fix the drinks.
“Ooo…Someone has a crush on Spikey!” Xander quipped, slapping Spike on the shoulder.
“What else is new?” Spike lurched, leaning against the bar beside Xander, who sat on the stool.
“There’s that arrogant self-confidence we all know and love,” Xander snarked, turning in his stool to survey the room.
It was actually a lot bigger than it looked outside. A lot smaller than the Bronze, but perfectly set up. Along the wall next to the entrance was the bar they were sitting at. Across the room was another one – with two dancers at either end, one human and one demon. Along the adjacent walls were the cocktail tables grouped in little clusters, being waited on by various species of demon and drag queens. A few muscle men in Speedos and flip flops, a couple of them with bow ties. Xander had the feeling that the dress code was: whatever brings in the most money. In each corner of the room was a little lounge – a couple of black leather couches with matching chairs and a coffee table in the middle. And in the center of the room was one of the biggest and most packed dance floors that he’d ever seen. The floor looked like it was frosted glass like parts of the bar, with colored lights changing beneath it, in tempo with the music. And the lights above the floor were pretty sophisticated – a lot better than the simple sweeps that the Bronze lights did. The whole bar was shrouded in kind of a blue-green haze cast over everything.
“What do you think?” Spike asked, turning to face the dance floor.
“I think the place is pretty cool,” Xander said.
Of course the most interesting thing about the place was the clientele – almost as diverse as the staff. About every species of demon Xander had ever seen or killed was on the dance floor, cutting a rug. These were different from the ones he’d killed, though. Most of them were wearing body glitter, what probably passed for designer clothing in the demon world – P’ra-da’? – and they were dancing with human men. Not a woman – at least not a born woman was in the room. And all the men were as nonchalant about dancing with the demons as they could possibly be. A few of them even seemed to be doing…naughty…things with them.
“You do?” Spike turned up an eyebrow up at him.
“Yeah,” Xander nodded. “What!?” he asked, seeing Spike’s look of wonderment.
“It’s just that you’re so…Just doesn’t seem like your kinda place,” Spike explained.
“There’s a lot of things you still don’t know about me,” Xander said with a smile, bouncing his eyebrows and turning around as the bartender brought their drinks.
“Here you go, baby,” he said, putting the drinks in front of them. “On me.”
“Well, thanks a lot – what’s your name?” Xander shouted over the electronica that was playing on the floor.
“Friends call me Tuna” he answered, flashing those teeth again.
“I’m Xander, and this is Spike,” Xander said, extending his hand. Tuna took it, and leaned across the bar and kissed Xander’s cheek.
“Nice to meet you. You two here together?” Tuna looked from one to the other of them, sizing them both up. “Because you’re both cute as hell.”
“Thanks,” Xander blushed. “And yeah, I guess you can say that.”
“I thought so – you’re a cute couple,” Tuna smiled at them again, glancing at the other end of the bar. “Gotta go – thirsty drunks gotta drink.”
“Thanks again!” Xander called after him.
“So we’re together now?” Spike whispered into Xander’s ear. Xander just turned, smiled, shrugged, and drank.
… last dance for love
yes, it's my last chance
for romance tonight…
Xander howled in laughter, slammed back his drink and jumped off his stool.
“I’m going to dance!” he shouted to Spike.
Spike rolled his eyes, slammed his drink too, and followed Xander onto the dance floor.
… by me,
beside me, to guide me,
to hold me…
Xander smiled and began to dance, at first completely on his own, waving his arms and shimmying on an invisible pole, but gradually he gravitated towards Spike. He was singing the words as he danced.
…'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad…
Spike laughed and started moving to the music, following Xander’s lead. Shaking his head and closing his eyes, he allowed the night to control him.
… dance for love
yes, it's my last chance
for romance tonight…
Spike was surprised to open his eyes and find Xander staring at him as they danced together, but apart.
… will you be my Mr. Right?
can you fill my appetite…
Spike and Xander both stepped towards the other, only inches between the two of them. Xander’s expression was one Spike had never seen. It was almost predatory. And the way his body was moving matched it perfectly – like a man hunting, he was stalking his prey. It was Xander who finally bridged the gap, placing first one hand on Spike’s chest, and then the other.
… all that I ask
is that you dance with me
dance with me…
Spike followed suit, running his hands up Xander’s arms to his shoulders and neck, brushing his thumbs along Xander’s jaw and caressing the back of his neck. Xander bit his bottom lip and threw his head back, eyes closed, as they danced.
… Oh I need you, by me,
beside me…
In one fluid motion, Xander turned his back to Spike and pressed against him. Spike’s hands went around Xander’s chest, pulling him tight, keeping him close, roaming Xander’s chest and stomach.
… to scold me,
'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad…**
The two of them danced the rest of the night, oblivious to the others on the floor and unnoticing of the other men and demons that tried to make advances to them. The only thing they knew was each other’s hands, arms, legs, chests, and how perfectly they fit against each other. They knew the music because their bodies were moving to it, but they didn’t recognize what they were dancing to, or how they were moving. They just were. And that was okay with both of them.
It felt like only minutes later when the house lights went up and the music changed. A whistle from the bar signaled last call. Spike and Xander both opened their eyes, finding their foreheads pressed together and their arms around each other’s necks. They smiled, and laughed, letting go of each other hesitantly. The volume of the sound system had fallen tremendously, but it still carried throughout the room.
…It’s hard to wake up, when the shades have been pulled shut.
This house is haunted, it’s so pathetic, it makes no sense at all…
Xander led them back towards the bar where Tuna was pulling glassware off the bar and blowing out candles.
… Their anger hurts my ears - been running strong for seven years.
Rather then fix the problem, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all…
“Hey, Tuna, thanks!” Xander called, leaning across the bar and kissing him on the cheek.
“Come back soon, guys. Have a good night!” he yelled after them as they made their way towards the door.
… If this is what he wants, and it’s what she wants, then why’s there so much pain?…
They funneled out the door with the other late night dancers, flooding the street with drunk, horny and sweaty men and demons all headed out to home and lairs. The music could still be heard through the open door.
… So here’s your holiday
Hope you, enjoy this time…
“You’re right,” Spike said, laughing.
“About what?” Xander looked puzzled.
“There’s a lot I don’t know about you yet.”
“More than you know.” Xander smiled, nodding.
… So when you’re dead and gone, will you
remember this night. Twenty years now lost,
it's not right.***…
“Come on, let’s get home. The sun’ll be up in a couple of hours,” Spike said.
“Yeah, I’m beat. I’ll probably sleep all day tomorrow.”
“Join the club,” Spike joked. Xander just laughed and they started walking towards home.
***
The first thing Xander became aware of was an intense blinding pain shooting through his head. He knew he hadn’t drunk very much at all the night before, so it couldn’t be a hangover. The pain seemed to be coming from the right side of his head and he reached up to feel it – it was already starting to swell.
The second thing Xander became aware of was that he was sitting on the floor. But he didn’t remember getting out of bed or doing anything to hit his head.
The third thing he became aware of was someone standing over him.
The last thing he became aware of before everything went to hell was that the person standing in front of and over him was his father. Who was screaming at him and looking extremely, extremely, angry. Xander tried to focus on what he was yelling about, but the pain was so bad he could only catch every other word at first. If it weren’t for the fact that it was his dad and that he was in so much pain, he would have found it kind of funny.
“…night…late…place…Fuck!...that…didn’t…” Xander looked up in time to see a fist swing his way. He dodged most of it, but the knuckles clipped him in the jaw, slamming his teeth together and making him bite his lip. He tasted blood. But the pain in his head seemed to be dimming because he could mostly understand what his father was saying.
“I didn’t fucking raise you to be like that, you little shit!” He swooped down again, smacking Xander on the back of the head. “To be like that. Didn’t teach you to be a little fucking pervert.”
“What!?” Xander howled back at him, crawling back a few steps from the man. “What are you talking about?”
“Last night! One of the guys at work was out last night and drove by that new ferry bar on Elm. He saw you coming out of there with a guy and walking towards here. You brought him back here, didn’t you!?” He was shouting, and taking large steps towards Xander. Xander glanced behind him – he’d hit the wall soon, no more space to back up in. “And you…you…did that in my house!”
Xander dodged another punch, only to get a kick to his ankle.
“Not in my fucking house, you little fuck! You take your little faggot ass and get the fuck out!” He lashed out another fist at Xander, but he missed again.
Something inside of Xander snapped. Maybe it was the word he’d used. Maybe it was the culmination of over twenty years of getting hit and yelled at and treated like shit. He didn’t really know; didn’t really care. But for the first time since he was a little boy, he stood up where he was sitting.
“Don’t. Ever. Touch. Me. Again,” he growled at his father. He took a step towards the man, fists clenched at his sides.
“Oh, what, the little ferry going to get mad and prance away?” his father said in a girlish voice. “Shut up, you –” He lashed out again, only to have his fist caught in Xander’s hand and shoved away from him.
“I said, don’t do that,” Xander said through clenched teeth.
The man tried again, only to be blocked once more. Xander took another step toward him. Another punch blocked, another step forward.
“I’m not telling you again.” Xander insisted.
His father threw another fist in his direction; this time Xander blocked it with one hand and pushed him back hard with the other. Hard enough that he fell back a few steps. Xander closed in on him quickly.
His father glared at him, his face contorted into a snarl. Like the untamed animal he was, he tried again to control the situation. This time Xander pushed him back so hard, the man fell to the floor.
He scrambled up and backed towards the stairway.
“I want you out of my fucking house today. Or, so help me God, I’ll throw your disgusting ass out myself.” He turned and ran up the stairs.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Harris!” Xander called after him. “I’ll be out by sundown. Just in time for you to drink yourself stupid again.”
He was answered with the door slamming hard enough to rattle the ceiling tiles.
In less than a second, the adrenaline left his body and Xander found himself piled on the floor like broken glass, unable to move or even scream, even when that’s all he wanted to do. But he knew, even if he could, it wouldn’t help.
lyrics in this chapter are from the following:
* Queen – Under Pressure
** Donna Summer – Last Dance
*** Blink 182 – Stay Together for the Kids
Author:
chocgood84Rating: NC-17
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Disclaimer: Characters in this fic, aside from original characters, are property of ME and Joss Whedon. I’m just playing; I get no reward. Don’t sue, I’m poor.
Warning: Just the standard: Slashfic, with some brief episodes of het sex. Some graphic scenes of violence, sexual situations, and other assorted adult situations.
Author’s Note: This is my latest WIP, and it’s coinciding with my last year of college. I may or may not get to update very frequently – but I have no plans of discontinuing or abandoning it, so if you’re patient – there will be more. Also, this is somewhat AU in the sense that Dawn doesn’t exist, and Adam was never created so the initiative is still around for the time being. Also, a big thank you to the official L2bL beta,
kittypoker1.Previous parts can be found at my website, or in my Livejournal Memories.
As per usual, the thumpa thumpa beat of the bass and the sounds of Sunnydale’s hippest and coolest cats all talking, screaming and dancing could be heard a few blocks away from the Bronze.
The night air was cool, with that hint of coldness that rarely visits southern California. For some reason, cool air always meant clean air to Xander, and he gasped it in as if it would soon be rationed, one freezing lungful after the other. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he and Spike walked quietly towards the club.
“You know, some day I want to see winter,” he said, looking up at the clear sky. Something about the cool air always made it look like the stars were painted on black glass and lit from behind.
“What do you mean, ‘see winter?’” Spike asked between drags of his cigarette.
“I’ve never seen winter, or snow, or anything firsthand,” Xander explained. “All I know about snow is that it’s cold and wet, and that’s only because of that freak snowstorm we had a couple years ago – and even that melted before I could actually do anything. It was sixty degrees the next day.”
Spike stopped mid-stride and turned to gawk at Xander with one eyebrow perched high above the other. “You mean to tell me that you’ve never been anywhere but Sunnyhell during winter?”
“That’s about the ‘it’ of it, yeah. But someday I’m going to. Don’t want to be stuck here forever, you know?”
“Believe me, I know,” Spike muttered, turning and walking towards the Bronze. “You’re missing out – some of the best times can be had when the snow’s piled up against the doors and windows.”
“Yeah, snowmen and snowball fights and sledding and-”
“I’m talking about inside,” Spike interjected, his voice dropping low. “Winter nights are longer, and colder. S’the perfect time to be trapped inside with someone with only a stock of firewood, a flannel blanket and a case of Jack.”
“What…?” Xander puzzled, walking faster to keep up with Mr. Long Strides. “…Oh, I get it. Hehe, yeah, I guess that’d be fun too.”
“Sometime you should go up to the mountains, or further east. That’s where winter lives. They’ve got the kind of cold that makes you feel like your flesh is turning into crystals and the kind of warmth that makes it feel like it’s melting off you.”
Xander sighed, dreaming of the day he’d get out of Sunnydale. Not forever; it was still his home and probably always would be. But just for a little while, he’d like to get out – further out than Oxnard this time – to get away, and see something other than demons and apocalypses and palm trees and desert. There had to be more, didn’t there?
“…could there be any more?” Spike was asking.
“Huh, what?” Xander stumbled over a raised sidewalk panel.
“I said that it looks like juniors’ night with so many bloody kids lined up – could there be any more?” Spike repeated, pointing a block ahead at the Bronze’s velvet rope, behind which a line of Camp Snoopy rejects trailed as far as the eye could see.
“What else is there to do in Sunnydale except get eaten or drink lots and lots of coffee?” Xander asked. “Eh, it’s almost ten o’clock anyway; they’ll be kicked out soon.”
“Good riddance. I’d hate to accidentally eat one.”
“Yeah, because that would so happen without the chip doing the can-can of death and pain on your brain.”
“Hey, you dream of winter, I’ll dream of food,” Spike replied with a tinge of bitterness.
Xander was about to respond, but at the moment he couldn’t find the right words. Something about humans not being food. But…to Spike, blood was like air. Of course, so was being annoying, but still…
They passed the last block in silence, arriving at the crowded club just as the minors were being asked to leave. Nearly everyone still in line groaned and whined, but turned away nonetheless, their shoulders hunched and their heads down. Once the mouseketeers had left, there were only two people in the line as Spike and Xander slid into it. The bouncer gave the nod and all four of them entered.
The thumpa thumpa of Generation X Divas bubble gum pop gave way to more classic rock, and the entire mood of the club seemed to shift with it. The Beatles were singing one of their hits as Xander made his way to the bar, Spike in tow with cash in hand. The crowd tonight was scarce, but it was still early. There were only two people in front of Xander when he noticed the Beatles had given way to Queen, and his earlier smile returned. He started singing along with the song that any good child of the ‘80s should know.
… Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets…
“Uh, two Jack and Cokes please,” Xander called to the bartender when he was signaled. Looking over his shoulder at Spike and holding out his hand, he was rewarded with a twenty. He threw it on the bar and waited for the ‘tender to make the drinks.
… It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!…
Xander didn’t realize that he actually was screaming the last line until the bartender jumped back a little, dropping some of his change. Xander laughed and picked up the drinks, handing one back to Spike. Leaving the biggest bill for a tip and pocketing the rest, he nodded towards the tables in the back where the lights weren’t as bright.
… Turned away from it all
Like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love
But it's so slashed and torn…
They chose a table in the corner with a view of the entrance, bar, and dancefloor. Over the past couple of months that he and Spike had been coming to the club together, they’d gotten into the habit of sitting in a comfortable silence while people watching – Xander just for the fun of it, and Spike probably for the longing of it.
… love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of caring…
“So it must be pretty hard for you, huh?” Xander asked.
“What’s that?” Spike asked, averting his gaze from a tall brunette on the dance floor and turning towards Xander.
…This is our last dance…this is ourselves…under pressure…*
“Not being able to hunt.”
“Hard’s not the right word, Xander,” Spike said, his eyes catching Xander’s.
“Well, no, I guess it’s not,” he replied, holding the vampire’s gaze.
“It’s like…” Spike lowered his sight to the drink his fingertips were idly wandering around. “It’s…”
“You don’t have tell me,” Xander offered. “I was just – I was just wondering, just trying to understand. But if you-”
“No!” Spike yelped. “No, it’s alright. It’s just – it’s just hard to explain, is all.”
Xander only nodded his reply, a silent acknowledgement that he knew nothing was as simple as he’d once thought it was. No black or white, right or wrong. There was only the empty space between where everything got lost.
“It’s not a proper comparison,” Spike explained. His eyes were focused on the table in front of him, but his voice was far away. So far away. “But it’s like someone’s locked you in a glass cage that’s soundproof. Everyone can see you, and you can see everyone, but you can’t hear them, nor them you. There’s no way out, and you look down to find yourself naked. Not tied, not restrained at all…”
Spike paused for a minute, spinning the glass between his hands. In one solid, graceful, movement, he picked it up and drank it all at once, setting it back on the table. He remained quiet for a moment, as if puzzled by the situation he was in – like he didn’t understand it, either. Xander waited for him to go on.
“No, you’re not restrained. But you’re naked, and cold. And hungry – so fucking hungry you want to gnaw your own arm off. But you can’t because you know it won’t help. You know you’ll still be burning inside with the wanting, needing, something that you can’t have. And you look through the glass – and there it is. The very thing that will make you better. The thing that’ll make the bloody pain go away.” Spike paused again, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he was staring straight into Xander’s eyes, but it wasn’t Xander he was looking at. His sight had gone to wherever the voice was.
“So you start clawing at the glass, banging on it, throwing yourself at it, trying to crack it. And there’s all kinds of people right outside, staring straight at you. They know how to open the cage; they know the way to get you out. But they’re just standing there, watching. Some are smiling, some are laughing. Others are angry, crying. But no one’s helping, like they don’t understand why you can’t just get out. And you’re still trying to break the glass, and you know you can’t, but it hurts too much not to try. Again and again, until your fingers are blistered and raw from the pounding, and your body’s bruised from slamming into it. All you can do is scream. All you can do is scream and scream because it almost helps the pain, almost takes your mind off it. But the thing is – no one can hear you. No one can hear you screaming and crying to get out. And they just keep watching. They just watch while you get smaller and smaller as the pain starts to eat away at you…”
Spike was finished. He was still looking at something somewhere else, while Xander sat there, imagining how horrible that would be. The truth was, he couldn’t - not really. And what made him feel even worse was that this was probably a pale comparison to how Spike actually felt, what he actually had to live with.
“Spike, I’m sorry,” Xander whispered. He wasn’t sure if Spike could hear him over the din in the room, but he meant it. Heavy of heart, he meant it.
“S’not your fault, Xander,” and just like that, Spike was back. Looking at him, with that same hard look on his face.
“I mean for all the shit I gave you. I didn’t know –”
“No, you didn’t,” Spike agreed. “And you still don’t. Never will.”
Xander’s head fell, not wanting to look the vampire in the eyes.
“But thanks for that,” Spike said.
Xander looked back up at him with a smile on his face. “You’re-” The smile disappeared as he looked towards the entrance. “Shit!”
Buffy, Willow and Tara came through the door. Buffy and Willow were talking excitedly about something, and Tara seemed to be enjoying the banter. Her arm was linked with Willow’s and her smile was almost as big as her heart.
“What?” Spike asked, turning to look in the same direction. “Great. Just what I wanted tonight – the slayer nippin’ at my heels.”
“Shit shit shit!” Xander panicked. “I told them I wasn’t going out tonight. Fuck!”
“Calm down, Harris!” Spike scolded. “Keep your head about you; it’s not the bloody end of the world.”
“We have to go,” Xander insisted, standing up too fast and almost making his stool fall over. “We have to go now. Right now.”
“Alright, okay, we’ll go,” Spike complied. “Just try not to kill yourself in the process, yeah?”
Xander started to shuffle towards the door along the wall, trying to hide himself behind the dancers and the swaying drunks. He looked back once to find Spike only a step behind him. He was only a few yards away from the exit. The girls had made their way towards the bar. Buffy and Willow had their backs to the door, but Tara was looking out at the crowd and saw him, freezing Xander in his tracks.
The two of them stared at each other, their eyes going wide. Someone had turned up the heat, because suddenly Xander was sweating in places he hadn’t known even existed. Tara glanced at something right behind Xander, nodded, and looked back to Xander. She smiled a curious smile and nodded towards the door.
Xander didn’t question it or pause to even mouth ‘thank you’, but instead ran to the door, almost knocking over a woman in too-high heels and a too-short skirt, much to the amusement of Spike, who was out the door and leaning against the wall before Xander could even get around the lady.
Three blocks and a hundred deep breaths later, and he was none too happy when Spike started howling in laughter. Xander stopped mid-stride and turned to glare at the snarky vampire who found his torture so laughable. And he was just about to open his mouth to say something, but instead laughter came tumbling out of him as well.
The two of them leaned up against the front window of a downtown shop, laughing so hard that Xander had to sit down to catch his breath. Spike crouched beside him, smiling and chuckling as Xander wheezed and coughed breath back into himself. When his pulse and breathing finally returned to what passed for normal, he glared at Spike, who glared right back at him.
“Alright,” he gave up. “I’ll admit it; that was funny.”
“You mean running from the slayer who is also your friend, your other friend’s love covering it up, or the part where you nearly kill yourself and an innocent woman trying to flee?”
“Pretty much all of it,” Xander said with a grin.
“Wanna try and find someplace else to get snockered at?” Spike asked after a few minutes.
“Sounds good to me,” Xander agreed.
“I heard there’s a new place open over on Elm,” Spike offered, standing up. “Could check it out before the neighborhood beasties burn it to the ground.”
“Then let’s get to it,” Xander said, looking up to find Spike’s hand outstretched to him. He took it, letting Spike pull him up with too much ease.
“Xander?” Spike asked, looking him directly in the eye.
“Yeah?”
“Why did you ask about the chip tonight?”
“Three reasons, actually,” Xander paraphrased.. “Number one being that the past few weeks, you’ve really tried not to annoy me or piss me off. Number two being that the more I see of you, the more I realize you’re not the…how did that go? Oh right, the ‘pompous prick you pretend to be, and that there just might be something worth salvaging in you’.”
“What’s the third reason?” Spike asked with a grin.
“That’s a conversation for another night,” Xander smiled, realizing that they were still holding hands. He released his hold, but not quickly, not disgustedly. Instead, he let Spike’s hand slip from his like a leaf blown from a tree: gently, softly. Comfortably.
“I suppose it is,” Spike said, turning towards Elm Street with a smile on his face. “I suppose it is…”
***
“Well…this is definitely, uh, new,” Xander laughed as they entered the bar – there was no name on the sign out front. It was just a chrome sign with the image of a serpent lit up on it, the colors changing constantly.
“Can’t say I heard that it was this kinda place,” Spike admitted, peering around the room and sidestepping a demony version of Bette Middler. “Do you wanna…?” He pointed back towards the door.
“Huh?” Xander asked, preoccupied with staring at the human Marilyn Monroe look-alike at the bar drinking a Bud Light.
“I asked if you wanted to go,” Spike called into his ear, making Xander jump.
“What? No way!” Xander turned to Spike with a grin stretched across his face. “Let’s at least have a drink and see what’s up.”
Spike just shrugged and led them to the two empty stools at the end of the bar. The bar itself was done up like space-age Christmas on acid. All chrome and frosted glass with little toys and ornaments stuck into every nook and cranny and colored lights glowing from behind the glass.
“Have we somehow wandered into your head?” Spike asked Xander as they sat down, flagging over the shirtless bartender.
“Of course,” Xander nodded. “Inside my head there’s a gay slash demon slash drag bar playing disco with oodles of go-go dancers and shirtless cocktailers and bartenders.”
“Just checking,” Spike laughed. He turned to the bartender, who looked human, aside from the treasure trail of scales running from his belly button into his extremely low-rise jeans. “Two Jack and Cokes, mate.”
“Coming right up, cutie.” The bartender flashed a smile of extremely white, and extremely sharp looking, teeth at the two of them and turned back to fix the drinks.
“Ooo…Someone has a crush on Spikey!” Xander quipped, slapping Spike on the shoulder.
“What else is new?” Spike lurched, leaning against the bar beside Xander, who sat on the stool.
“There’s that arrogant self-confidence we all know and love,” Xander snarked, turning in his stool to survey the room.
It was actually a lot bigger than it looked outside. A lot smaller than the Bronze, but perfectly set up. Along the wall next to the entrance was the bar they were sitting at. Across the room was another one – with two dancers at either end, one human and one demon. Along the adjacent walls were the cocktail tables grouped in little clusters, being waited on by various species of demon and drag queens. A few muscle men in Speedos and flip flops, a couple of them with bow ties. Xander had the feeling that the dress code was: whatever brings in the most money. In each corner of the room was a little lounge – a couple of black leather couches with matching chairs and a coffee table in the middle. And in the center of the room was one of the biggest and most packed dance floors that he’d ever seen. The floor looked like it was frosted glass like parts of the bar, with colored lights changing beneath it, in tempo with the music. And the lights above the floor were pretty sophisticated – a lot better than the simple sweeps that the Bronze lights did. The whole bar was shrouded in kind of a blue-green haze cast over everything.
“What do you think?” Spike asked, turning to face the dance floor.
“I think the place is pretty cool,” Xander said.
Of course the most interesting thing about the place was the clientele – almost as diverse as the staff. About every species of demon Xander had ever seen or killed was on the dance floor, cutting a rug. These were different from the ones he’d killed, though. Most of them were wearing body glitter, what probably passed for designer clothing in the demon world – P’ra-da’? – and they were dancing with human men. Not a woman – at least not a born woman was in the room. And all the men were as nonchalant about dancing with the demons as they could possibly be. A few of them even seemed to be doing…naughty…things with them.
“You do?” Spike turned up an eyebrow up at him.
“Yeah,” Xander nodded. “What!?” he asked, seeing Spike’s look of wonderment.
“It’s just that you’re so…Just doesn’t seem like your kinda place,” Spike explained.
“There’s a lot of things you still don’t know about me,” Xander said with a smile, bouncing his eyebrows and turning around as the bartender brought their drinks.
“Here you go, baby,” he said, putting the drinks in front of them. “On me.”
“Well, thanks a lot – what’s your name?” Xander shouted over the electronica that was playing on the floor.
“Friends call me Tuna” he answered, flashing those teeth again.
“I’m Xander, and this is Spike,” Xander said, extending his hand. Tuna took it, and leaned across the bar and kissed Xander’s cheek.
“Nice to meet you. You two here together?” Tuna looked from one to the other of them, sizing them both up. “Because you’re both cute as hell.”
“Thanks,” Xander blushed. “And yeah, I guess you can say that.”
“I thought so – you’re a cute couple,” Tuna smiled at them again, glancing at the other end of the bar. “Gotta go – thirsty drunks gotta drink.”
“Thanks again!” Xander called after him.
“So we’re together now?” Spike whispered into Xander’s ear. Xander just turned, smiled, shrugged, and drank.
… last dance for love
yes, it's my last chance
for romance tonight…
Xander howled in laughter, slammed back his drink and jumped off his stool.
“I’m going to dance!” he shouted to Spike.
Spike rolled his eyes, slammed his drink too, and followed Xander onto the dance floor.
… by me,
beside me, to guide me,
to hold me…
Xander smiled and began to dance, at first completely on his own, waving his arms and shimmying on an invisible pole, but gradually he gravitated towards Spike. He was singing the words as he danced.
…'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad…
Spike laughed and started moving to the music, following Xander’s lead. Shaking his head and closing his eyes, he allowed the night to control him.
… dance for love
yes, it's my last chance
for romance tonight…
Spike was surprised to open his eyes and find Xander staring at him as they danced together, but apart.
… will you be my Mr. Right?
can you fill my appetite…
Spike and Xander both stepped towards the other, only inches between the two of them. Xander’s expression was one Spike had never seen. It was almost predatory. And the way his body was moving matched it perfectly – like a man hunting, he was stalking his prey. It was Xander who finally bridged the gap, placing first one hand on Spike’s chest, and then the other.
… all that I ask
is that you dance with me
dance with me…
Spike followed suit, running his hands up Xander’s arms to his shoulders and neck, brushing his thumbs along Xander’s jaw and caressing the back of his neck. Xander bit his bottom lip and threw his head back, eyes closed, as they danced.
… Oh I need you, by me,
beside me…
In one fluid motion, Xander turned his back to Spike and pressed against him. Spike’s hands went around Xander’s chest, pulling him tight, keeping him close, roaming Xander’s chest and stomach.
… to scold me,
'cause when I'm bad
I'm so, so bad…**
The two of them danced the rest of the night, oblivious to the others on the floor and unnoticing of the other men and demons that tried to make advances to them. The only thing they knew was each other’s hands, arms, legs, chests, and how perfectly they fit against each other. They knew the music because their bodies were moving to it, but they didn’t recognize what they were dancing to, or how they were moving. They just were. And that was okay with both of them.
It felt like only minutes later when the house lights went up and the music changed. A whistle from the bar signaled last call. Spike and Xander both opened their eyes, finding their foreheads pressed together and their arms around each other’s necks. They smiled, and laughed, letting go of each other hesitantly. The volume of the sound system had fallen tremendously, but it still carried throughout the room.
…It’s hard to wake up, when the shades have been pulled shut.
This house is haunted, it’s so pathetic, it makes no sense at all…
Xander led them back towards the bar where Tuna was pulling glassware off the bar and blowing out candles.
… Their anger hurts my ears - been running strong for seven years.
Rather then fix the problem, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all…
“Hey, Tuna, thanks!” Xander called, leaning across the bar and kissing him on the cheek.
“Come back soon, guys. Have a good night!” he yelled after them as they made their way towards the door.
… If this is what he wants, and it’s what she wants, then why’s there so much pain?…
They funneled out the door with the other late night dancers, flooding the street with drunk, horny and sweaty men and demons all headed out to home and lairs. The music could still be heard through the open door.
… So here’s your holiday
Hope you, enjoy this time…
“You’re right,” Spike said, laughing.
“About what?” Xander looked puzzled.
“There’s a lot I don’t know about you yet.”
“More than you know.” Xander smiled, nodding.
… So when you’re dead and gone, will you
remember this night. Twenty years now lost,
it's not right.***…
“Come on, let’s get home. The sun’ll be up in a couple of hours,” Spike said.
“Yeah, I’m beat. I’ll probably sleep all day tomorrow.”
“Join the club,” Spike joked. Xander just laughed and they started walking towards home.
***
The first thing Xander became aware of was an intense blinding pain shooting through his head. He knew he hadn’t drunk very much at all the night before, so it couldn’t be a hangover. The pain seemed to be coming from the right side of his head and he reached up to feel it – it was already starting to swell.
The second thing Xander became aware of was that he was sitting on the floor. But he didn’t remember getting out of bed or doing anything to hit his head.
The third thing he became aware of was someone standing over him.
The last thing he became aware of before everything went to hell was that the person standing in front of and over him was his father. Who was screaming at him and looking extremely, extremely, angry. Xander tried to focus on what he was yelling about, but the pain was so bad he could only catch every other word at first. If it weren’t for the fact that it was his dad and that he was in so much pain, he would have found it kind of funny.
“…night…late…place…Fuck!...that…didn’t…” Xander looked up in time to see a fist swing his way. He dodged most of it, but the knuckles clipped him in the jaw, slamming his teeth together and making him bite his lip. He tasted blood. But the pain in his head seemed to be dimming because he could mostly understand what his father was saying.
“I didn’t fucking raise you to be like that, you little shit!” He swooped down again, smacking Xander on the back of the head. “To be like that. Didn’t teach you to be a little fucking pervert.”
“What!?” Xander howled back at him, crawling back a few steps from the man. “What are you talking about?”
“Last night! One of the guys at work was out last night and drove by that new ferry bar on Elm. He saw you coming out of there with a guy and walking towards here. You brought him back here, didn’t you!?” He was shouting, and taking large steps towards Xander. Xander glanced behind him – he’d hit the wall soon, no more space to back up in. “And you…you…did that in my house!”
Xander dodged another punch, only to get a kick to his ankle.
“Not in my fucking house, you little fuck! You take your little faggot ass and get the fuck out!” He lashed out another fist at Xander, but he missed again.
Something inside of Xander snapped. Maybe it was the word he’d used. Maybe it was the culmination of over twenty years of getting hit and yelled at and treated like shit. He didn’t really know; didn’t really care. But for the first time since he was a little boy, he stood up where he was sitting.
“Don’t. Ever. Touch. Me. Again,” he growled at his father. He took a step towards the man, fists clenched at his sides.
“Oh, what, the little ferry going to get mad and prance away?” his father said in a girlish voice. “Shut up, you –” He lashed out again, only to have his fist caught in Xander’s hand and shoved away from him.
“I said, don’t do that,” Xander said through clenched teeth.
The man tried again, only to be blocked once more. Xander took another step toward him. Another punch blocked, another step forward.
“I’m not telling you again.” Xander insisted.
His father threw another fist in his direction; this time Xander blocked it with one hand and pushed him back hard with the other. Hard enough that he fell back a few steps. Xander closed in on him quickly.
His father glared at him, his face contorted into a snarl. Like the untamed animal he was, he tried again to control the situation. This time Xander pushed him back so hard, the man fell to the floor.
He scrambled up and backed towards the stairway.
“I want you out of my fucking house today. Or, so help me God, I’ll throw your disgusting ass out myself.” He turned and ran up the stairs.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Harris!” Xander called after him. “I’ll be out by sundown. Just in time for you to drink yourself stupid again.”
He was answered with the door slamming hard enough to rattle the ceiling tiles.
In less than a second, the adrenaline left his body and Xander found himself piled on the floor like broken glass, unable to move or even scream, even when that’s all he wanted to do. But he knew, even if he could, it wouldn’t help.
lyrics in this chapter are from the following:
* Queen – Under Pressure
** Donna Summer – Last Dance
*** Blink 182 – Stay Together for the Kids
Tags:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
Was a little trepidous about creating a new place, but I couldn't not:)