The Final Voyage

[synapticjava]

No, this isn't a Star Trek commentary.


Wow. First - WTF? Did someone ship a bunch of queers home since I was there last, or was I blind deaf mute for 18 years? Because honestly, couldn't swing a cat without hitting one. Then again, it was a bunch of sales all over the place, and that'll bring any gay man out of the woodwork. Either way, it was kind of nice to see so many (okay, it was really wasn't that many, but still more than I've seen in the QCs since they closed the back room at Club Liquid ;).

But, on a more serious note, being home was strange for me this time around. It doesn't feel like, home, anymore. I can't really explain it, other than that it didn't feel much like "going home" as it did "going to visit my family." It's like...I spent all my life trying to get out of the QCs and now I'm free, but it's kind of bittersweet. My mom told me before I left - "This is always home, but now you need to make your own. Go home, Brad." It's wierd to think of it like that now. Because she's right. It's not like I can't go back, not that I want to, but it really is like I'm out now and I can only go forward. Is this making any sense? Hmph. Oh well - welcome to my brain.

Not that this was an angsty visit by any means; it wasn't. I think, and stay with me here, I understand Catcher in the Rye a lot better now. Holden was trying to be grown up by acting how he thought grown-ups should act. But in the end, he's just another lone teenager that has to go through his own shit alone. And maybe that's what I'm feeling now. All my life I tried to act the way I thought adults acted. But now that I'm technically a full-fledged one, I get that the steps I have to take are my own to take. We all have to do things that we don't think we can because that's what is required of us. Kind of a test, I think. And here's the thing, I don't know if this is my test or if this is part of it, but I kinda feel like I'm hitting high marks. I must be doing something right, right? I guess the melt-down of it is that I'm a strong guy. I've been through worst things, and I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And yeah, the whole apartment thing is kind of a huge deal, at least to me, and a job and school and everything. I got some confidence back, and I likes it.

It was pretty hard for me this morning, though. I went down to see my grandpa and grandma, and visited with them for a while. They're pretty bad off since Grandma lost her job. Which is sad, anyway, because they really are just good people who don't deserve bad things to happen. Anyway, I'm probably their closest grandchild - I used to stay with them every weekend growing up, and when I was able I'd do odd jobs and stuff around the house that they couldn't do anymore. They kinda took it hard when they found out I was going to school in Chicago. So I haven't been able to spend as much time as I'd like with them the past few years. But when I told them I'm moving permanently here this week, it was kind of devestating. My grandma starting crying really hard, and my grandpa starting talking about the war some more - he's getting kind of senile which is a whole other topic I'm not prepared to deal with yet - and they generally didn't take it well. On the one hand, they're happy that I'm moving on with my life, but on the other they are sad to see me go. They didn't mean to, but they generally made me feel like shit for leaving. But, see the above paragraph: it's something I have to do.

On a lighter note, I got my first two housewarming gifts *hint hint*. My mom gave me a microwave (yay!) and this really need little violent-tinted glass candle tower. Very very pretty. Oh, she also gave me chinese food :) Oh, and the Memorial Day Sales! Got some very cute stuff (as if you had any doubt). Bout this really nice lemony yellow button-down with sky blue pinstripes on it, got a pink and blue pinstripe dress shirt which I'll wear with my purple silk tie on friday. A new pair of jeans, a new pair of pinstripe slacks which I have to take back, oh and this cute little blue striped shirt with little embroidered squiglies down the side. It's gorgy:) And naturally, another pair of shoes (I really do have a problem, I think). And then some more organization stuff for the apt.


And now that I've bored you (and I!) to tears, I need to hit the sack. Tomorrow's a huge homework day. Tootles.

Comments

[caviling]

I'm excited for your new apartment, &c. Sad about your grandparents, but they're still really lucky to have you. Just 'cause you're a few hours away doesn't mean you'll be gone.

Ach, and I'm trying to slog through my thesis, right, and I just got done writing about this one story involving a little boy named "Tootles." So the end of your entry spooked me!

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

but they're still really lucky to have you

you gush! hehe.

and yes, that is sp00ky. i mean the fact that someone is *named* Tootles. that's skeery.

[twinner.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're doing something right. Congratulations on the new apartment & your new "grown-up" life.

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Thanks *g*

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Sorry about your grandparents. Mine freaked when I moved so far away too. There were much tears and recriminations. But you can't stay in your hometown all your life just to suit your relatives. We just feel guilty cause we love 'em so much. :)

Ah...a bit of lit crit from the Brad. Glad to see you relating the classics to your life. Now don't go out and assassinate anyone.

LOL

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

There were much tears and recriminations. But you can't stay in your hometown all your life just to suit your relatives. We just feel guilty cause we love 'em so much.

Totally agree with you, there. If my family had their way, I never would have even come to school. Gotta make my life my own:)

Now don't go out and assassinate anyone.

Hmmm...*contemplates googling Bill Gates*