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Here it is! Long over due, but I think you'll find the wait worth it.
Title: Whipping Boy, pt. 6
Pairing: Spike/Xander (BtVS)
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Disclaimer: I don’t own Spike, Xander, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These belong to Mutant Enemy and its creator, Joss Whedon.
Notes: Anya who? “The Wish” never happened. This is *not* a PWP. Though I may enjoy reading them, I can't write them. This is a purely H/C indulgence of mine.
Almost dawn, and Spike was pacing once more. Same old route. Bed to door to kitchen to bathroom door to bed and back again. Spike wasn’t only worried now, he was nervous. Almost day and Giles wasn’t back yet. Once the sun came up, they had about twelve hours to make Xander right again. Twelve hours and everything would be back to normal again.
“Right. Normal. Here on the Hellmouth,” Spike muttered. He went to the front door again and looked through the window. The coming sun was no more just a line on the horizon; it was a bruise upon the night sky. It was beginning to swell into morning light. Spike felt with every inch of sky being lost a small part of himself slipped away. Gone forever.
He returned to sit on the bed by Xander’s side. Funny, he thought, how the last day or so had made that okay. All of this horribleness had made it okay for Spike to gently take Xander’s limp hand in his, to brush the hair off the boy’s forehead, to lightly dust his cheek with frigid fingertips. This was okay.
“Then again…not so sure I want normal again, pet. Don’t think I can ever just go back to letting you hate me. Not after this. Not after what I know, pet. Not after…everything.” Once more Spike felt the burning behind his eyes and he was once more reminded that no matter his stature of immortality, he was still in some ways mortal. He could still feel, still love, still hurt inside.
All at once, Spike heard the watcher on the step, the tap-tap of his Oxfords making all aware of his presence. Spike didn’t bother to move until Giles had made it through the door and down the stairs.
Faster than a striking cobra, Spike was on the watcher, demon screaming to the surface, fists holding Giles against the wall. For a brief moment, Spike enjoyed the huge whiff of fear coming off the old man, but that Ripper gleam was back.
“Where the hell have you been? What took you so bloody long, you wanker?” Aware of his chipped situation, Spike let Giles go before either of them were hurt. Spike retreated to the other side of the room and jumped up on the washing machine, demon features still avant-garde.
“It – it took a little longer than I expected. I had run all around town trying to locate the correct ingredients. Seems Willow has ‘borrowed” some stuff from my collection.” Giles pursed his lips and scowled, but said nothing about Spike’s attack. He bent over to pick up two large sacks he had dropped when Spike gave his big welcome. He made is way to the kitchen, trying very hard not to look behind his shoulder.
“Is he any better?” Giles asked as he set the parcels of items down on the tiny table.
“I think you know the answer, Giles.” The mention of his name by the vampire startled him, and he turned to find Spike once again at the bed. He was clinging to Xander’s hand, and stroking the boy’s forehead. This time there was no cool clothe between the vampire’s hand and Xander’s head. Spike appeared to be petting Xander.
“Yes, well uh, I assume you found the stinger?” Giles began to unpack his bags of magic tricks and searching the cupboards for bowls and spoons to mix the ingredients. Again he was startled to turn and find Spike right behind him, proferring the stinger on a bed of Kleenex.
“There it is. Was in the boy’s leg.” Spike’s voice sounded haunted, and as Giles took the package from him he could feel something different in the air. Something strange but pleasant. He set the stinger on the table and looked up to find Spike back at the bed, returned to his place beside Xander. He almost laughed outright at the notion of torturer turned nurturer.
While Giles mixed his potions, Spike stayed beside Xander. He had long ago given up trying to bring the boy’s fever down. Now it was up to the watcher, and Spike could do nothing. He hated that feeling of helplessness.
At once, he felt a clammy hand grasp his, tighten and hold.
Spike looked up to find Xander’s eyes open, gazing upon him. Brown eyes the color of soft and strong suede looking at him, tears beginning to form. Spike gasped for unneeded breath, tears forming in his eyes too. This awakening was different.
“Spike? Spike, that’s you isn’t it?” Just a whisper from the boy’s mouth - a small, rattling raspy whisper. The sound was all together joyous and crushing to Spike.
“Yes, pet, it’s me. You can see me, I’m right here, Xander.” He whispered back. This was his time with Xander, and he didn’t want the watcher to take it from him. Spike trapped Xander’s hand between both of his. He wanted to never let go.
“You…you called me Xander.”
“Yeah, pet, I did. Some things have changed, I think.” At that, Xander smiled a weary smile of a man who knows his own frail mortality.
“Yeah, they have. Spike, listen, I want to tell you something before I go.”
A thousand samurais sliced through Spike’s body at that one sentence.
“You’re not going anywhere, luv. You’re going to be fine. You just have to hold on, Xander. Just stay here with me, please. Don’t leave me.” Tears were flowing down both men’s faces. So much difference, so much similarity, Spike thought.
“I want to Spike, really I do. I don’t want to leave this place…I don’t want to leave you.” Xander’s breathing became more irregular, more rugged. Spike’s chest was swelling with breath as well, matching the mortal’s.
“Then don’t.” It was all Spike could manage to say.
“I’ll try, Spike. I’ll try. But I want you to know something. It’s very important and please don’t leave when I tell you.”
“I won’t, pet. I promise. I swear upon everything unholy I’ll never leave you. What is it, Xander?” Spike could almost feel his heart beginning to beat again. A mortal who made a vampire’s heart begin again. How poetic, Spike thought. How poetic and how terrible.
“I, I’m sorry, Spike. I never should have, should have teased you. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you and I-“
“Shhh, pet. S’okay, now. I think we’re even. I tried to kill you more than once, naturally you’re going to have some vindictive feelings for that. I don’t blame you for it.”
“I know, but I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasted all that time. All that time when we could have been friends. When…things were happening to me that I never would have thought.”
“What do you mean, pet?”
“Spike, I can’t, I don’t. See, with Jesse it was different. We grew up together, it seemed so right. We knew everything about each other. It was…natural that we came together.” Xander took a deep breath, Spike sensing it would be the last. He took one more, then another and another. Finally Xander was able to continue.
”But with you it’s so much more different. There are so many things about you I don’t know or understand. So much about you that I know I should hate and be appalled by. But what I’ve come to understand is that even though I should hate you, I can’t. That’s what I’ve learned the past couple of months. I can’t hate you, Spike. I care too much about you. You mean too much to me. I just wish I had told you so that maybe I could have been loved by you, just for a little while. To know what it felt like. Because I know what it is to love, Spike. Because I love you. I have for some time now. Loved you and wanted you, but was too afraid to know you.”
Spike’s entire emotional being was shattered with those four words. “Because I love you.” And Spike was sobbing, his head on Xander’s chest, not caring if the watcher heard or saw or thought anything. Not caring about anything other than the love he felt for this mortal man. Nothing but the aching need for this simple human being pull through and to be alive and to love him. The heartbreaking desire to love Xander and to know the warmth and depth of being loved by him. As he sobbed, he felt Xander’s other hand stroking through his hair and he was again reminded of the shortness of time.
“Xander, I – I. Thank you. A little secret for you too…” Spike looked up to see Xander’s eyes as ground zero in an eruption of tears. Neither man tried to wipe away their emotions.
“What is it, Spike?” Xander’s eyes began to weigh heavy and start their slow closure.
“I love you too, pet. Xander, I love you. I didn’t even know until this night, but I know it now. And now that I have you I won’t let you go. Do you hear me?”
“Spike, they’re calling me. I have to go.”
“NO! Xander, don’t go. Don’t leave me!”
“Spike, just remember that I love you. Don’t forget that and you won’t be able to lose me. I love you, Spike. And now I know what it feels like to be loved by you. Thank you.” And again, he was gone, maybe forever. Xander’s breathing all but stopped, his heart beat as though pumping molasses, and his skin grew pale as in death. There wasn’t time anymore, there was only hope.
Spike continued to sob on Xander’s chest. Again he felt the emotions pouring out like an open wound. An invisible wound, but it would never heal. It would never be mended.
After a short while, Spike felt a hand grasp his shoulder. Firm, strong, supportive. He turned to find Giles behind him. The watcher had tears in eyes, yet none fell. His skin was pale as well, and his entire face knew the force of gravity, for it was downcast as Spike had never seen it.
In his other hand, Giles held a bowl and a cloth. It shook slightly in the watcher’s trembling hand. He still clasped Spike’s shoulder.
“He’s going to be fine, Spike. He’ll make it.” That was all he said. He made no mention of the admonitions of love he surely must have heard. He said nothing of how wrong or evil Spike was. He said nothing of how stupid he must have thought Xander to be to fall in love with a devil in disguise. He simply nodded and let go of his hold on Spike, and walked back to the kitchen.
Spike wiped away his tears and before getting up from where he kneeled beside Xander. He searched his duster for his smokes for the first time in a long while. Took one out of his pack and lit it, savoring the feel of it as the smoke filled his body. Nothing like the emotions Xander sent coursing through him, but at least a mild replacement.
“Is it ready, then?” Spike asked. He noticed that all of the windows were covered. He hadn’t seen or heard Giles doing it, but he surely must have. Maybe the watcher wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe not only some things, but everything had changed.
“It is.” Giles replied as he walked back to the dieing mortal.
“Well, then. Let’s get on with it.” Spike stubbed out his cigarette on his boot and put it in the trashcan, took the bowl and cloth from the watcher and kneeled once more by Xander’s side.
“You’ll probably want to turn away, Watcher. It’s not pretty.”
Giles gave Spike a questioning look, but turned away nonetheless. However, as Spike gingerly rolled Xander onto his stomach, he glanced through the corner of his eye. What Giles saw made his stomach lurch and his chest contract painfully. A sharp intake of breath and he was about to say something –
“Don’t,” from Spike. “I’m going to take care of it.”
Giles could only imagine what that meant, but now looking fully on Xander’s back and thighs, he hoped that meant pain was in store for someone. Giles would gladly find a way to remove Spike’s chip if it meant that this would not go unpunished. Sadly, though, he knew who was responsible. He had always known. Always known and never done or said anything.
“But I should have-“
“I said don’t, Watcher. Don’t make me say it again. This will be taken care of, one way or another.” And Giles had absolute faith that what Spike said was the truth.
So Giles turned back around again and let Spike administer the salve onto Xander’s thigh. Soon he heard Spike rolling Xander again onto his back, and covering him up. He turned and found Spike back in his usual place, next to Xander on the bed.
“What now?”
“Now, we wait.” He replied, and with a sigh he sank into the armchair next to the bed. He could feel his eyes growing heavy and prayed that sleep would come soon. He gave a tremendous sigh and closed his eyes. But before he could sleep, there was something important to say.
“Spike?” He asked
“Yeah?” Came the heavy reply.
“You know that I don’t understand. That I can’t approve of this.” Giles heard the sigh of a lover.
“Yeah, mate, I know.”
“But I want you to know, I’m not going to stop you. I’m not going to stand between you and Xander, not when it’s something I know he wants, something he needs.”
“That’s big of you, mate.”
“But, all due respect, if you hurt him, that threat from earlier still stands.” A chuckle from the blonde Brit.
“I expected as much. And Giles?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to worry.”
“I know.”
… … … …
The late afternoon sun was making its way towards the west when Spike awoke. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was. He opened his eyes to see the basement wrapped in the velvet softness of shadows and darkness, save for one softly glowing bedside lamp.
He peered over to the chair to see Giles fast asleep, glasses falling off, mouth slightly open, and a soft grumbling in his chest.
Sometime in his sleep, Spike had curled Xander to him, because the boy’s head was on his shoulder, Spike’s arm enclosed around him protectively. Xander’s arm was draped across his chest
For one fleeting moment, Spike wished that it could stay this way. That he could always be here like this, with Xander beside him. Granted, the watcher didn’t quite fit into this daydream, but that was another matter.
Spike quickly checked Xander to make sure he was still breathing. In fact, his breathing had gotten back to that of a normal sleeping moral, and his heart was again beating as it should. Spike’s chest swelled in adoration of this man once more, and sleep claimed him again.
… … … …
Almost sunset, and Spike was woken by a hand on his shoulder and the smell of warm blood. He looked up to see Giles holding out a mug of blood, and suddenly Spike realized he hadn’t fed almost three days. His entire body screamed at the scent of it, and he graciously accepted the mug from the watcher.
“Thanks, mate.” He toasted before drinking the contents in one long gulp. Giles nodded, and rounded the bed to the chair, and gazed upon the scene. Again, Spike realized that Xander was still cuddled up with him. He didn’t care, though; he had already gotten the watcher’s pseudo-blessing.
“Is there anymore?”
“Yes, I brought the two bags I had left from my flat. Here, I’ll get you some more.” Giles reached for the cup, but Spike motioned for him to stay.
After again checking to make sure Xander was all right, he slowly untangled himself of the boy, and got out of the bed. He made for the kitchen, and winced at the bright florescent light.
“Oi, Watcher, place is lit up like the family jewels.”
“Forgive me, Spike. Some of us don’t have night vision,” came the reply.
“Right.”
He poured the blood into the mug and popped it into the microwave, tapping his fingers impatiently while waiting for that satisfying “ding”. He almost burnt himself as chugged this mug as well. He placed the empty cup in the sink and returned to main room.
“Shouldn’t he be coming around right about now?”
“Yes, soon I should say.”
Suddenly, Spike couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even blink. There was an absence of sound, of movement in the room. Something was wrong. Spike could finally get his muscles to move, and he sprang to the bed, knowing what it was. He was quickly followed by Giles, who had noticed the change as well.
There Xander lay, perfectly still. No movement of chest, no intake of breath. His skin was again golden and tan, his lips once more red. But now nothing passed through them. No breath meant no life.
“Watcher, what is this?” Spike felt the panic boiling within him. The demon was struggling inside.
“I, I don’t know. We did everything correctly…this isn’t supposed to happen.”
Spike fell to ground, the panic no longer a feeling as much as an explosion of pain bursting inside his hollow chest. Tears exploded and tore down his face, as his hand went out to grasp Xander’s. His lost boy.
As Spike’s hand connected with Xander’s, he felt that spark, that electricity run through him and suddenly Xander breathed again, as if nothing had happened.
Giles let out the breath he had been holding and let his body relax once more. Spike peered up at Xander’s face and watched as right before him, Xander’s eyes opened and gazed at the two of them. He flexed his arms and his legs and tried to sit up, but couldn’t. He hadn’t had free will of his body in some time – the nightmares had had control.
“Spike, Giles, what are you doing here? Why are you looking at me like that? Seriously, you guys are givin’ me the wiggins.”
Spike looked at Giles, Giles looked at Spike, and both let out hysterical laughter that seemed to go on forever. Eventually the two sobered and came back to the situation.
Spike retrieved a glass of water for Xander, while Giles began to recount the tale of the last forty-eight hours. Xander apparently remembered nothing of his fever or any of his hallucinations. Spike remained quiet the entire time the two mortals were conversing. He couldn’t believe how empty he felt, and at the same time so full of disappointment and pain. Everything Xander had said had been nothing but the fever talking.
After checking to make sure Xander needed nothing else, Giles made ready to leave. He asked Spike to help carry the books to the car.
As they finished piling the books into the backseat, Giles thanked Spike.
“I’m so sorry, Spike.”
“S’not your fault, mate. Just wasn’t meant to be.”
“I suppose not, but it hurts just the same.”
“Yeah, well, time heals all wounds and all that rot. Don’t give a piss about me, Watcher, I’ll be fine. And I’ll see the boy gets the things he needs.”
Giles nodded and got into his car and drove away.
Spike returned to the basement to find Xander gazing at the door.
“I was wondering what was taking so long.”
“Watcher had some stuff to say. Want some more water, pet?” Spike asked as he approached the bed.
“Huh…yeah, sure.” He held out his glass to Spike with a questioning look. Spike just shrugged and retrieved more water. The whole time he could feel Xander’s eyes on him. Xander accepted the water and drank it all down in one drink. He set the glass on the table beside the bed. Spike couldn’t make eye contact.
“Spike?”
“S’matter, pet?”
“I remember.” Spike gazed up to see tears welling in Xander’s eyes. Suddenly, the emptiness in Spike’s body seemed gone. But what if Xander meant something else?
“You remember what, Xander?” Hope bled from that question.
“Everything. I remember what I told you…I remember what I said to you about…about loving you. And I remember what you said to me. About loving me. Please tell me it wasn’t a dream. Tell me it was real.” Tears cascading down bronze skin. Making suede eyes run muddy.
“Was real love, all of it. And I meant it.” Spike knew he was crying too, again. More tears in the last two days in over a century, it seemed.
“So did I.”
And Spike was there, on the bed, wrapping his arms around his boy, around his lost boy found. Around his Xander, his love. He was there with him.
Ice blue eyes met mahogany, and pale pink lips met red. And suddenly everything was as it should be. Both men sighed into this kiss, opening to receive one another, exploring one another. It was more than a kiss, it was a joining of souls, for surely they both possessed one. It was an admonishment of things past and things to come. It was pain and loneliness and torture absolved, and love and trust and comfort infused. It was them, together, at last.
Finally, they broke the kiss but held each other closely. For a while, neither man said anything. They only took the time to soak up each other’s gazes and touches and love.
Finally, Xander spoke.
“Um, Spike? I’m kinda naked under here, aren’t I?” Xander asked. There was something in that question, and Spike knew what it was.
“You are. We have to talk about that, Xander.”
“Do we have to do it now?”
“Sooner or later, luv. I want a lover, not a whipping boy.”
“Let’s make it later, then. Right now let’s work on the lover part.”
Spike had never heard better words in his unlife. And he didn’t need to be asked twice.
… … … …
The end.
Title: Whipping Boy, pt. 6
Pairing: Spike/Xander (BtVS)
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Disclaimer: I don’t own Spike, Xander, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These belong to Mutant Enemy and its creator, Joss Whedon.
Notes: Anya who? “The Wish” never happened. This is *not* a PWP. Though I may enjoy reading them, I can't write them. This is a purely H/C indulgence of mine.
“I can get up
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
And we do
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy”
And I find that even time well spent gets bent if you need it to
And we do
And we do
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
Lay all you want on me
I'll be your whipping boy”
Almost dawn, and Spike was pacing once more. Same old route. Bed to door to kitchen to bathroom door to bed and back again. Spike wasn’t only worried now, he was nervous. Almost day and Giles wasn’t back yet. Once the sun came up, they had about twelve hours to make Xander right again. Twelve hours and everything would be back to normal again.
“Right. Normal. Here on the Hellmouth,” Spike muttered. He went to the front door again and looked through the window. The coming sun was no more just a line on the horizon; it was a bruise upon the night sky. It was beginning to swell into morning light. Spike felt with every inch of sky being lost a small part of himself slipped away. Gone forever.
He returned to sit on the bed by Xander’s side. Funny, he thought, how the last day or so had made that okay. All of this horribleness had made it okay for Spike to gently take Xander’s limp hand in his, to brush the hair off the boy’s forehead, to lightly dust his cheek with frigid fingertips. This was okay.
“Then again…not so sure I want normal again, pet. Don’t think I can ever just go back to letting you hate me. Not after this. Not after what I know, pet. Not after…everything.” Once more Spike felt the burning behind his eyes and he was once more reminded that no matter his stature of immortality, he was still in some ways mortal. He could still feel, still love, still hurt inside.
All at once, Spike heard the watcher on the step, the tap-tap of his Oxfords making all aware of his presence. Spike didn’t bother to move until Giles had made it through the door and down the stairs.
Faster than a striking cobra, Spike was on the watcher, demon screaming to the surface, fists holding Giles against the wall. For a brief moment, Spike enjoyed the huge whiff of fear coming off the old man, but that Ripper gleam was back.
“Where the hell have you been? What took you so bloody long, you wanker?” Aware of his chipped situation, Spike let Giles go before either of them were hurt. Spike retreated to the other side of the room and jumped up on the washing machine, demon features still avant-garde.
“It – it took a little longer than I expected. I had run all around town trying to locate the correct ingredients. Seems Willow has ‘borrowed” some stuff from my collection.” Giles pursed his lips and scowled, but said nothing about Spike’s attack. He bent over to pick up two large sacks he had dropped when Spike gave his big welcome. He made is way to the kitchen, trying very hard not to look behind his shoulder.
“Is he any better?” Giles asked as he set the parcels of items down on the tiny table.
“I think you know the answer, Giles.” The mention of his name by the vampire startled him, and he turned to find Spike once again at the bed. He was clinging to Xander’s hand, and stroking the boy’s forehead. This time there was no cool clothe between the vampire’s hand and Xander’s head. Spike appeared to be petting Xander.
“Yes, well uh, I assume you found the stinger?” Giles began to unpack his bags of magic tricks and searching the cupboards for bowls and spoons to mix the ingredients. Again he was startled to turn and find Spike right behind him, proferring the stinger on a bed of Kleenex.
“There it is. Was in the boy’s leg.” Spike’s voice sounded haunted, and as Giles took the package from him he could feel something different in the air. Something strange but pleasant. He set the stinger on the table and looked up to find Spike back at the bed, returned to his place beside Xander. He almost laughed outright at the notion of torturer turned nurturer.
While Giles mixed his potions, Spike stayed beside Xander. He had long ago given up trying to bring the boy’s fever down. Now it was up to the watcher, and Spike could do nothing. He hated that feeling of helplessness.
At once, he felt a clammy hand grasp his, tighten and hold.
Spike looked up to find Xander’s eyes open, gazing upon him. Brown eyes the color of soft and strong suede looking at him, tears beginning to form. Spike gasped for unneeded breath, tears forming in his eyes too. This awakening was different.
“Spike? Spike, that’s you isn’t it?” Just a whisper from the boy’s mouth - a small, rattling raspy whisper. The sound was all together joyous and crushing to Spike.
“Yes, pet, it’s me. You can see me, I’m right here, Xander.” He whispered back. This was his time with Xander, and he didn’t want the watcher to take it from him. Spike trapped Xander’s hand between both of his. He wanted to never let go.
“You…you called me Xander.”
“Yeah, pet, I did. Some things have changed, I think.” At that, Xander smiled a weary smile of a man who knows his own frail mortality.
“Yeah, they have. Spike, listen, I want to tell you something before I go.”
A thousand samurais sliced through Spike’s body at that one sentence.
“You’re not going anywhere, luv. You’re going to be fine. You just have to hold on, Xander. Just stay here with me, please. Don’t leave me.” Tears were flowing down both men’s faces. So much difference, so much similarity, Spike thought.
“I want to Spike, really I do. I don’t want to leave this place…I don’t want to leave you.” Xander’s breathing became more irregular, more rugged. Spike’s chest was swelling with breath as well, matching the mortal’s.
“Then don’t.” It was all Spike could manage to say.
“I’ll try, Spike. I’ll try. But I want you to know something. It’s very important and please don’t leave when I tell you.”
“I won’t, pet. I promise. I swear upon everything unholy I’ll never leave you. What is it, Xander?” Spike could almost feel his heart beginning to beat again. A mortal who made a vampire’s heart begin again. How poetic, Spike thought. How poetic and how terrible.
“I, I’m sorry, Spike. I never should have, should have teased you. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you and I-“
“Shhh, pet. S’okay, now. I think we’re even. I tried to kill you more than once, naturally you’re going to have some vindictive feelings for that. I don’t blame you for it.”
“I know, but I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasted all that time. All that time when we could have been friends. When…things were happening to me that I never would have thought.”
“What do you mean, pet?”
“Spike, I can’t, I don’t. See, with Jesse it was different. We grew up together, it seemed so right. We knew everything about each other. It was…natural that we came together.” Xander took a deep breath, Spike sensing it would be the last. He took one more, then another and another. Finally Xander was able to continue.
”But with you it’s so much more different. There are so many things about you I don’t know or understand. So much about you that I know I should hate and be appalled by. But what I’ve come to understand is that even though I should hate you, I can’t. That’s what I’ve learned the past couple of months. I can’t hate you, Spike. I care too much about you. You mean too much to me. I just wish I had told you so that maybe I could have been loved by you, just for a little while. To know what it felt like. Because I know what it is to love, Spike. Because I love you. I have for some time now. Loved you and wanted you, but was too afraid to know you.”
Spike’s entire emotional being was shattered with those four words. “Because I love you.” And Spike was sobbing, his head on Xander’s chest, not caring if the watcher heard or saw or thought anything. Not caring about anything other than the love he felt for this mortal man. Nothing but the aching need for this simple human being pull through and to be alive and to love him. The heartbreaking desire to love Xander and to know the warmth and depth of being loved by him. As he sobbed, he felt Xander’s other hand stroking through his hair and he was again reminded of the shortness of time.
“Xander, I – I. Thank you. A little secret for you too…” Spike looked up to see Xander’s eyes as ground zero in an eruption of tears. Neither man tried to wipe away their emotions.
“What is it, Spike?” Xander’s eyes began to weigh heavy and start their slow closure.
“I love you too, pet. Xander, I love you. I didn’t even know until this night, but I know it now. And now that I have you I won’t let you go. Do you hear me?”
“Spike, they’re calling me. I have to go.”
“NO! Xander, don’t go. Don’t leave me!”
“Spike, just remember that I love you. Don’t forget that and you won’t be able to lose me. I love you, Spike. And now I know what it feels like to be loved by you. Thank you.” And again, he was gone, maybe forever. Xander’s breathing all but stopped, his heart beat as though pumping molasses, and his skin grew pale as in death. There wasn’t time anymore, there was only hope.
Spike continued to sob on Xander’s chest. Again he felt the emotions pouring out like an open wound. An invisible wound, but it would never heal. It would never be mended.
After a short while, Spike felt a hand grasp his shoulder. Firm, strong, supportive. He turned to find Giles behind him. The watcher had tears in eyes, yet none fell. His skin was pale as well, and his entire face knew the force of gravity, for it was downcast as Spike had never seen it.
In his other hand, Giles held a bowl and a cloth. It shook slightly in the watcher’s trembling hand. He still clasped Spike’s shoulder.
“He’s going to be fine, Spike. He’ll make it.” That was all he said. He made no mention of the admonitions of love he surely must have heard. He said nothing of how wrong or evil Spike was. He said nothing of how stupid he must have thought Xander to be to fall in love with a devil in disguise. He simply nodded and let go of his hold on Spike, and walked back to the kitchen.
Spike wiped away his tears and before getting up from where he kneeled beside Xander. He searched his duster for his smokes for the first time in a long while. Took one out of his pack and lit it, savoring the feel of it as the smoke filled his body. Nothing like the emotions Xander sent coursing through him, but at least a mild replacement.
“Is it ready, then?” Spike asked. He noticed that all of the windows were covered. He hadn’t seen or heard Giles doing it, but he surely must have. Maybe the watcher wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe not only some things, but everything had changed.
“It is.” Giles replied as he walked back to the dieing mortal.
“Well, then. Let’s get on with it.” Spike stubbed out his cigarette on his boot and put it in the trashcan, took the bowl and cloth from the watcher and kneeled once more by Xander’s side.
“You’ll probably want to turn away, Watcher. It’s not pretty.”
Giles gave Spike a questioning look, but turned away nonetheless. However, as Spike gingerly rolled Xander onto his stomach, he glanced through the corner of his eye. What Giles saw made his stomach lurch and his chest contract painfully. A sharp intake of breath and he was about to say something –
“Don’t,” from Spike. “I’m going to take care of it.”
Giles could only imagine what that meant, but now looking fully on Xander’s back and thighs, he hoped that meant pain was in store for someone. Giles would gladly find a way to remove Spike’s chip if it meant that this would not go unpunished. Sadly, though, he knew who was responsible. He had always known. Always known and never done or said anything.
“But I should have-“
“I said don’t, Watcher. Don’t make me say it again. This will be taken care of, one way or another.” And Giles had absolute faith that what Spike said was the truth.
So Giles turned back around again and let Spike administer the salve onto Xander’s thigh. Soon he heard Spike rolling Xander again onto his back, and covering him up. He turned and found Spike back in his usual place, next to Xander on the bed.
“What now?”
“Now, we wait.” He replied, and with a sigh he sank into the armchair next to the bed. He could feel his eyes growing heavy and prayed that sleep would come soon. He gave a tremendous sigh and closed his eyes. But before he could sleep, there was something important to say.
“Spike?” He asked
“Yeah?” Came the heavy reply.
“You know that I don’t understand. That I can’t approve of this.” Giles heard the sigh of a lover.
“Yeah, mate, I know.”
“But I want you to know, I’m not going to stop you. I’m not going to stand between you and Xander, not when it’s something I know he wants, something he needs.”
“That’s big of you, mate.”
“But, all due respect, if you hurt him, that threat from earlier still stands.” A chuckle from the blonde Brit.
“I expected as much. And Giles?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to worry.”
“I know.”
… … … …
The late afternoon sun was making its way towards the west when Spike awoke. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was. He opened his eyes to see the basement wrapped in the velvet softness of shadows and darkness, save for one softly glowing bedside lamp.
He peered over to the chair to see Giles fast asleep, glasses falling off, mouth slightly open, and a soft grumbling in his chest.
Sometime in his sleep, Spike had curled Xander to him, because the boy’s head was on his shoulder, Spike’s arm enclosed around him protectively. Xander’s arm was draped across his chest
For one fleeting moment, Spike wished that it could stay this way. That he could always be here like this, with Xander beside him. Granted, the watcher didn’t quite fit into this daydream, but that was another matter.
Spike quickly checked Xander to make sure he was still breathing. In fact, his breathing had gotten back to that of a normal sleeping moral, and his heart was again beating as it should. Spike’s chest swelled in adoration of this man once more, and sleep claimed him again.
… … … …
Almost sunset, and Spike was woken by a hand on his shoulder and the smell of warm blood. He looked up to see Giles holding out a mug of blood, and suddenly Spike realized he hadn’t fed almost three days. His entire body screamed at the scent of it, and he graciously accepted the mug from the watcher.
“Thanks, mate.” He toasted before drinking the contents in one long gulp. Giles nodded, and rounded the bed to the chair, and gazed upon the scene. Again, Spike realized that Xander was still cuddled up with him. He didn’t care, though; he had already gotten the watcher’s pseudo-blessing.
“Is there anymore?”
“Yes, I brought the two bags I had left from my flat. Here, I’ll get you some more.” Giles reached for the cup, but Spike motioned for him to stay.
After again checking to make sure Xander was all right, he slowly untangled himself of the boy, and got out of the bed. He made for the kitchen, and winced at the bright florescent light.
“Oi, Watcher, place is lit up like the family jewels.”
“Forgive me, Spike. Some of us don’t have night vision,” came the reply.
“Right.”
He poured the blood into the mug and popped it into the microwave, tapping his fingers impatiently while waiting for that satisfying “ding”. He almost burnt himself as chugged this mug as well. He placed the empty cup in the sink and returned to main room.
“Shouldn’t he be coming around right about now?”
“Yes, soon I should say.”
Suddenly, Spike couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even blink. There was an absence of sound, of movement in the room. Something was wrong. Spike could finally get his muscles to move, and he sprang to the bed, knowing what it was. He was quickly followed by Giles, who had noticed the change as well.
There Xander lay, perfectly still. No movement of chest, no intake of breath. His skin was again golden and tan, his lips once more red. But now nothing passed through them. No breath meant no life.
“Watcher, what is this?” Spike felt the panic boiling within him. The demon was struggling inside.
“I, I don’t know. We did everything correctly…this isn’t supposed to happen.”
Spike fell to ground, the panic no longer a feeling as much as an explosion of pain bursting inside his hollow chest. Tears exploded and tore down his face, as his hand went out to grasp Xander’s. His lost boy.
As Spike’s hand connected with Xander’s, he felt that spark, that electricity run through him and suddenly Xander breathed again, as if nothing had happened.
Giles let out the breath he had been holding and let his body relax once more. Spike peered up at Xander’s face and watched as right before him, Xander’s eyes opened and gazed at the two of them. He flexed his arms and his legs and tried to sit up, but couldn’t. He hadn’t had free will of his body in some time – the nightmares had had control.
“Spike, Giles, what are you doing here? Why are you looking at me like that? Seriously, you guys are givin’ me the wiggins.”
Spike looked at Giles, Giles looked at Spike, and both let out hysterical laughter that seemed to go on forever. Eventually the two sobered and came back to the situation.
Spike retrieved a glass of water for Xander, while Giles began to recount the tale of the last forty-eight hours. Xander apparently remembered nothing of his fever or any of his hallucinations. Spike remained quiet the entire time the two mortals were conversing. He couldn’t believe how empty he felt, and at the same time so full of disappointment and pain. Everything Xander had said had been nothing but the fever talking.
After checking to make sure Xander needed nothing else, Giles made ready to leave. He asked Spike to help carry the books to the car.
As they finished piling the books into the backseat, Giles thanked Spike.
“I’m so sorry, Spike.”
“S’not your fault, mate. Just wasn’t meant to be.”
“I suppose not, but it hurts just the same.”
“Yeah, well, time heals all wounds and all that rot. Don’t give a piss about me, Watcher, I’ll be fine. And I’ll see the boy gets the things he needs.”
Giles nodded and got into his car and drove away.
Spike returned to the basement to find Xander gazing at the door.
“I was wondering what was taking so long.”
“Watcher had some stuff to say. Want some more water, pet?” Spike asked as he approached the bed.
“Huh…yeah, sure.” He held out his glass to Spike with a questioning look. Spike just shrugged and retrieved more water. The whole time he could feel Xander’s eyes on him. Xander accepted the water and drank it all down in one drink. He set the glass on the table beside the bed. Spike couldn’t make eye contact.
“Spike?”
“S’matter, pet?”
“I remember.” Spike gazed up to see tears welling in Xander’s eyes. Suddenly, the emptiness in Spike’s body seemed gone. But what if Xander meant something else?
“You remember what, Xander?” Hope bled from that question.
“Everything. I remember what I told you…I remember what I said to you about…about loving you. And I remember what you said to me. About loving me. Please tell me it wasn’t a dream. Tell me it was real.” Tears cascading down bronze skin. Making suede eyes run muddy.
“Was real love, all of it. And I meant it.” Spike knew he was crying too, again. More tears in the last two days in over a century, it seemed.
“So did I.”
And Spike was there, on the bed, wrapping his arms around his boy, around his lost boy found. Around his Xander, his love. He was there with him.
Ice blue eyes met mahogany, and pale pink lips met red. And suddenly everything was as it should be. Both men sighed into this kiss, opening to receive one another, exploring one another. It was more than a kiss, it was a joining of souls, for surely they both possessed one. It was an admonishment of things past and things to come. It was pain and loneliness and torture absolved, and love and trust and comfort infused. It was them, together, at last.
Finally, they broke the kiss but held each other closely. For a while, neither man said anything. They only took the time to soak up each other’s gazes and touches and love.
Finally, Xander spoke.
“Um, Spike? I’m kinda naked under here, aren’t I?” Xander asked. There was something in that question, and Spike knew what it was.
“You are. We have to talk about that, Xander.”
“Do we have to do it now?”
“Sooner or later, luv. I want a lover, not a whipping boy.”
“Let’s make it later, then. Right now let’s work on the lover part.”
Spike had never heard better words in his unlife. And he didn’t need to be asked twice.
… … … …
The end.
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::cries because it was so good::
::cries because it's over::
That was wonderful!
::hugss::
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It's okay, darlin. All good things must come to an end...And from what I hear, this was good ;)
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Fantastic, luv.
Suki
xxx
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Me smells a sequel someday in the future...
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Suki
xxx
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That reminds me, I must start thinking about a Christmas fic!!
Suki
xxx
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very nice. *clasp* bravo.
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Glad you liked it.
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ewww...Spuffy. ;)
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S&X4eva
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Re: S&X4eva