A sidenote as I delve deeper into psychological theory.

[synapticjava]

The author of my book makes a good point when talking about Gestalt Experiments. The goal is to surface emotions from past events and experience them in the present, and the author mentions that "of course, many men have been socialized not to express intense feelings."

The thing about this is that I absolutely believe it. There are so many people, primarily women (though I don't mean to overgeneralize so please don't be offended) that see a great many men as being cold, unfeeling, and unresponsive to emotional situations. The whole idea that women can talk about their feelings and men can't is a properly grounded one. But why? Because men, and I really speak for myself here - though I believe it can be generalized to a broader population, are conditioned through socialization and ideology to be that way. I myself, in real life and out of the cone of protectiveness that is livejournal, am very closed-mouth and locked-in with my emotions. I'm afraid to reveal emotions, afraid to appear fragile, and I most definetely do not allow myself to be seen as weak or emotionally expressive (other than the big ones, of course). Because this is a large part of gender socialization. Whether we learn it through our parents, teachers, friends, whathaveyou, men and women alike are taught how they are supposed to act. And I never even attributed the emotional detachment of the male gender to this gender bias. Have you?

Something to think about, boys and girls.

Comments

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

And I never even attributed the emotional detachment of the male gender to this gender bias. Have you?

Definitely have. An education and media studies course many years ago opened my eyes to how incredibly biased the media is, and how biased teaching methods can be, in ramming men and women into their pigeonholes, whether they fit or not.
Men outside of western "civilisation" don't seem to be socialised in the same way. And I think "working class" blokes seem a bit less repressed, at least the ones I know. But maybe its because I don't expect repression from men that I don't see so much of it.

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

It could also be a culture thing. I'm not sure about how it is outside the states, but we here are ingrained with the idea that men cannot show emotion or they'll be thought cowardly.

[caviling]

I think a lot of women (myself included, though I'm trying to break away from this habit) really freak when they see a man express an intense emotion, especially a negative one--I mean, you guys are supposed to take care of everything, right? You're boundless resources in case of emergency! Very toxic thinking, but harder to get around than one would think or hope.

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Very very right!

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

My husband suffers from this dilemma. I always thought those Cosmo "Women are from Mars..." quizzes were a load of hooey until I met the man who would be my husband. Many of those things that scientists say are gender-specific, or at least, gender-likely seem to be true of us anyway. He doesn't understand that me complaining to him about a problem doesn't necessitate a "fix." He wants to offer concrete advice instead of sympathy. He's also very closemouthed about his own feelings. I'm finding out things from him that he really should've told me six years ago and only because we're in therapy and he feels "safe" saying it there. Hm....

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

And hence: One of the goals of therapy! Especially, what I'm guessing is either couples therapy or marraige counseling, where a MAJOR goal is to improve and accentuate communication without domination.

I'm betting your therapist (and you!)has had to work quite a bit for making the envrionment safe enough to open that can of words.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Yep; we are in marriage counseling (which makes it sound like we were going to get divorced or something, but we weren't). A team of two therapists sees us, one of which is assigned to each of us. Sometimes we have solo sessions and sometimes all four of us meet together.

It was a lot of work to get to that point. And sometimes I do still resent that it takes us being there for him to say things I feel like he should be able to tell me at home or when they happen, but we are making progress. Yay!!! Psychology is real *vbg*

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Oh, see, being a future(godplease!) psychologist, I never even thought you guys would've had trouble. Heh. Believe it or not, a lot of couples go to counseling just for the hell of it (or, to improve communication, even if there isn't really a "problem").

Well, if I may say, otherwise tell me to take a hike, but though your feelings of resentment are completely understandable and justifiable, I'd say that just the fact that he's gotten to that point is a huge task. And one of the goals of your therapy is or should be to extend that "safe zone" to your own home and into your relationship without there being a therapist involved. And if you guys keep it up, that should happen naturally.

*takes off freudian glasses and hat* Sorry - you can take the boy out of psychology but not the psychology out of the boy.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

No, you're absolutely right. He's made a lot of progress and so have I. And we are starting to see a gradual extension of that "safe zone" which is very nice. I had seen a therapist before this when I was single and she was just OUT THERE floating in some kind of New Age patchouli garden. So, I was unfairly a tad skeptical about therapy working. But it really does. I think alot of it depends on who you get though. You have to have a committed therapist whose philosophy you agree with.

Leave the hat on, Brad. It suits you. :) I can hardly leave my grad student hat off long enough to write Spander. Kitty's like, "Okay Lorraine. Neither Spike or Xander is going to examine their relationship in light of Foucauldian constructs of sexuality. Nor are they going to join a bookclub and discuss symbolism in Toni Morrison. Get those boys to a bar, babe"

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Definetely the therapist you get makes a huge difference, and I'm glad its working out for you guys.

At this point, I don't want to wear any hats at all. I really just want to curl up into the fetal position and wait for college to blow over.

nevermind the rantings of a severely broken man

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

You're going to be fine. Deep breaths. Look up something totally tragic on the internet and then entertain the incredibly selfish, yet satisfying thought that it didn't happen to you. *g*