![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Kin to Sorrow, Session Three
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Pairing: S/X
Rating: NC-17 for language
Notes: Xander goes into counseling after the Hellmouth has been destroyed. Spoilers through Chosen. Thanks tolunabee34 for the comments.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, don’t sue
“Xander, you look like hell,” the man said, scratching his beard and looking at Xander like he was a leper.
“Gee, thanks, Doc. You really know how to pick a guy up, don’t ya?” Xander snapped bitterly. It wasn’t his fault he hadn’t been sleeping at all the last couple of days. That damn-
“Dream?” Doc asked, scrawling some notes.
“Uh, yeah,” Xander mumbled. He was so tired. “It’s getting worse. It’s not just every night now. It’s a couple of times a night, and even during the day when I’m at the site. I’ll get distracted and the next thing I know I’m there with Spike in the Hellmouth all over again. Stupid daydreams.
“Now, Xander. Last time we talked about your home life. You said,” the doctor paused as he flipped back through his notes to find the exact quote. “Aha, you said it ‘Wasn’t the greatest childhood, I get that. But I know it’s not my fault and I know I didn’t do anything wrong, okay?’”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, alright.” Xander was really getting tired of the circular questions. I thought we were supposed to be getting rid of this fucking dream.
“Well, what I’m wondering is… Well, do you really believe that how you suffered at home has nothing to do with your current…problem?” Condescension and pure attitude in that question.
“You mean do I think the fact that my fucking father knocking us around is why I’m having dreams that are completely unrelated to that?” Xander had really had it now – all this bullshit was, well, bullshit.
“Precisely,” was all he said.
“No, I don’t.” Xander snapped without thinking. “Spike was nothing like my father. Sure, at first he was all ‘Oh, I’m going to kill you and mash you up with my big sharp vampire’-eh, books. He really liked Anne Rice. Ever read The Witching Hour? That book could crack anyone’s skull open, even the paperback.”
“Yes, but-”
“And sure, he even tried to kill us a bunch of times – er, he was a horrible driver; he was British, you know. Anyway, after all that. After Anya and after Buffy and after everything with Willow and Tara…he was, things were different. He was a good man in the end. Hell…died trying save all of us.”
“Which is precisely my point, Xander. If you’ll permit me to speak at some point. Of course this is entirely premature and I recommend many more sessions to really get to the bottom of this, but I have a theory-”
“It could be demons?” Xander felt the old Sunnydale charm rising in him as he laughed at a joke the Freudian Ferdinand obviously didn’t understand.
“Huh? No. What I’m beginning to believe is that you’ve placed the feelings you had for your father towards this ‘Spike’ person. Spike, in your mind, is your father after evolution. At the beginning, he hurt you and he abused your personal savior. But after working and living together, the relationship grew, didn’t it? At ‘the end’, you had profound respect for a man who had once destroyed life but now saved it.”
“Yeah, I did respect him at the end. S’not a man alive who would die the way he did for us. Only a man with a soul – with a…with a soul…” Xander’s throat closed and he could feel warmth on his face. Tears began to fall as he realized for the first time that Spike gave up his soul to save them. Gave up his life and everything he’d worked for.
“It’s rather simple, Xander. You transferred your feelings for your father to Spike. When Spike saved your life the way your father never could, never would, that brought about some drastic changes in the way you view your world; changes in the way you view the man you love. You are unable to let go of him because you feel he was the first, the only to truly care – to truly love you. The only one to save you. He’s your father; only he represents the way you always wished your father could be.
“I can’t accept that. Spike was, he was an odd duck for sure, but to me he was a swan. The feelings I have…had…for him are feelings of respect, gratitude, love. Those are things my father never cared for, never wanted, never deserved. No – you’re wrong.”
“No, Xander - you’re wrong.” Now the doctor’s voice was very gravely, never intense. More like Xander’s father than Spike could ever be. “Every night, and now every day, you’re plaguing yourself with memories of a man who saved your life. You can’t let that go because if you let him go, if you let him die, if you forget him, then all the men in your life from now until forever are like him. Then everyone you meet will be out to destroy you, to hate you, to beat you.”
Xander stood up from the sofa, his entire body shaking and trembling with rage that wanted out. How dare this “doctor” compare Spike with a man who deserved the gruesome death the Hellmouth wrought on him?
Somewhere in the room, a clock chimed. Xander nodded silently and made his way to the door.
“Sorry, Doc – your time’s up.” Xander said, his ice like liquid nitrogen. Something inside him felt that there was something to what the doctor was saying. But something else, something bigger told him there was more – that something else was happening.
“See you next week?” The stupid man said.
Are you out of your fucking mind, you silly psychiatrist, you? Wouldn’t come back if you got down on your hands and knees -
“Yeah, I’ll be here…” Xander gave in. Maybe he’s right. And even if he isn’t, what’s the harm in…talking about it?
Xander made his way through the corridor and out past the receptionist, smiling again at the sweet girl who was busily filing her nails and smacking on her gum. He was half way to the parking lot before he realized –
“Wait a second. In love with Spike!?”
Author:
chocgood84Pairing: S/X
Rating: NC-17 for language
Notes: Xander goes into counseling after the Hellmouth has been destroyed. Spoilers through Chosen. Thanks to
lunabee34 for the comments.Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, don’t sue
“Xander, you look like hell,” the man said, scratching his beard and looking at Xander like he was a leper.
“Gee, thanks, Doc. You really know how to pick a guy up, don’t ya?” Xander snapped bitterly. It wasn’t his fault he hadn’t been sleeping at all the last couple of days. That damn-
“Dream?” Doc asked, scrawling some notes.
“Uh, yeah,” Xander mumbled. He was so tired. “It’s getting worse. It’s not just every night now. It’s a couple of times a night, and even during the day when I’m at the site. I’ll get distracted and the next thing I know I’m there with Spike in the Hellmouth all over again. Stupid daydreams.
“Now, Xander. Last time we talked about your home life. You said,” the doctor paused as he flipped back through his notes to find the exact quote. “Aha, you said it ‘Wasn’t the greatest childhood, I get that. But I know it’s not my fault and I know I didn’t do anything wrong, okay?’”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, alright.” Xander was really getting tired of the circular questions. I thought we were supposed to be getting rid of this fucking dream.
“Well, what I’m wondering is… Well, do you really believe that how you suffered at home has nothing to do with your current…problem?” Condescension and pure attitude in that question.
“You mean do I think the fact that my fucking father knocking us around is why I’m having dreams that are completely unrelated to that?” Xander had really had it now – all this bullshit was, well, bullshit.
“Precisely,” was all he said.
“No, I don’t.” Xander snapped without thinking. “Spike was nothing like my father. Sure, at first he was all ‘Oh, I’m going to kill you and mash you up with my big sharp vampire’-eh, books. He really liked Anne Rice. Ever read The Witching Hour? That book could crack anyone’s skull open, even the paperback.”
“Yes, but-”
“And sure, he even tried to kill us a bunch of times – er, he was a horrible driver; he was British, you know. Anyway, after all that. After Anya and after Buffy and after everything with Willow and Tara…he was, things were different. He was a good man in the end. Hell…died trying save all of us.”
“Which is precisely my point, Xander. If you’ll permit me to speak at some point. Of course this is entirely premature and I recommend many more sessions to really get to the bottom of this, but I have a theory-”
“It could be demons?” Xander felt the old Sunnydale charm rising in him as he laughed at a joke the Freudian Ferdinand obviously didn’t understand.
“Huh? No. What I’m beginning to believe is that you’ve placed the feelings you had for your father towards this ‘Spike’ person. Spike, in your mind, is your father after evolution. At the beginning, he hurt you and he abused your personal savior. But after working and living together, the relationship grew, didn’t it? At ‘the end’, you had profound respect for a man who had once destroyed life but now saved it.”
“Yeah, I did respect him at the end. S’not a man alive who would die the way he did for us. Only a man with a soul – with a…with a soul…” Xander’s throat closed and he could feel warmth on his face. Tears began to fall as he realized for the first time that Spike gave up his soul to save them. Gave up his life and everything he’d worked for.
“It’s rather simple, Xander. You transferred your feelings for your father to Spike. When Spike saved your life the way your father never could, never would, that brought about some drastic changes in the way you view your world; changes in the way you view the man you love. You are unable to let go of him because you feel he was the first, the only to truly care – to truly love you. The only one to save you. He’s your father; only he represents the way you always wished your father could be.
“I can’t accept that. Spike was, he was an odd duck for sure, but to me he was a swan. The feelings I have…had…for him are feelings of respect, gratitude, love. Those are things my father never cared for, never wanted, never deserved. No – you’re wrong.”
“No, Xander - you’re wrong.” Now the doctor’s voice was very gravely, never intense. More like Xander’s father than Spike could ever be. “Every night, and now every day, you’re plaguing yourself with memories of a man who saved your life. You can’t let that go because if you let him go, if you let him die, if you forget him, then all the men in your life from now until forever are like him. Then everyone you meet will be out to destroy you, to hate you, to beat you.”
Xander stood up from the sofa, his entire body shaking and trembling with rage that wanted out. How dare this “doctor” compare Spike with a man who deserved the gruesome death the Hellmouth wrought on him?
Somewhere in the room, a clock chimed. Xander nodded silently and made his way to the door.
“Sorry, Doc – your time’s up.” Xander said, his ice like liquid nitrogen. Something inside him felt that there was something to what the doctor was saying. But something else, something bigger told him there was more – that something else was happening.
“See you next week?” The stupid man said.
Are you out of your fucking mind, you silly psychiatrist, you? Wouldn’t come back if you got down on your hands and knees -
“Yeah, I’ll be here…” Xander gave in. Maybe he’s right. And even if he isn’t, what’s the harm in…talking about it?
Xander made his way through the corridor and out past the receptionist, smiling again at the sweet girl who was busily filing her nails and smacking on her gum. He was half way to the parking lot before he realized –
“Wait a second. In love with Spike!?”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
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This is *exactly* what I was talking about!!!! You can't let this bunny die. We've got at least one more part. You have done this just brilliantly.
Why not commit to fourteen more parts (*g*) and resurrect Spike while you're at it?
From:
no subject