![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Gingerbread Homes and Christmas Wishes (pt.2)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Paring: S/X (BtVS)
Rating: NC-17
A/N: Set 4 years post Not Fade Away. Only Spike survived Wolfram and Heart. Otherwise, pure and total schmoop fest. Hey look, I can write not-angst…who knew? Also, decidedly unbetad:)
Disclaimer: Aren’t mine. Never have been, never will be. Don’t sue, this is my fun.
Twilight had just barely turned into evening when he and Giles finally had the tree set up in the parlor. It’d taken them half the afternoon to find just the perfect one, and the rest of it to chop it down. But finally, after much heavy breathing and many pulled muscles, they’d gotten it through the door and onto the stand. Xander was again thankful he had such high ceilings because this was one large Christmas tree.
He’d just finished bringing in all eight boxes of Christmas decorations and opening them up for the girls to go through when there was a knock at the door.
“Huh, that’s weird.” He said out loud. No one seemed to notice while they pulled strands of lights and garland and tinsel out of the different boxes. He quietly left the room and made his way to the front door. He opened it to reveal a slender blonde in a long black leather duster wearing the sexiest smirk Xander had ever seen.
“Merry Christmas, pet.” Spike said, his smirk growing to a smile.
“I, I, I, uh-” Xander stammered, just staring at Spike. Taking in and absorbing how incredibly gorgeous he was. The same ice-blue eyes, the same pale pink lips open to reveal perfect white teeth. The duster and the Docs were there, as they would always be, but Spike was wearing a blue v-neck sweater that matched his eyes perfectly, and dark, but not black, jeans. He’d let the platinum spikes grow out, and now his hair was very curly and somewhere between brown and blonde. He just looked gorgeous, and Xander couldn’t quite remember how to breathe at the moment.
“Spike!” Dawn squealed, making everyone hold their hands to their ears. She ran into his open arms, almost knocking him over. She was followed by Willow and even Buffy as everyone ran to the door, happy to see the long lost vampire. Giles extended his hand, greeting him warmly.
Then, as one, everyone turned to see Xander still clutching the door knob, staring wide eyed and open mouthed at the latest arrival. Xander was trying to remember, trying to think of what he was supposed to be saying, what he should be doing.
“Xander, pet, you alright?” Spike asked, concern wavering in his deep voice. Xander nodded, his mouth still hanging open.
Willow stretched on her toes and pulled Xander down to whisper in his ear. “Then maybe you should invite him inside.” She used a finger to close his mouth as she pulled away, almost in hysterics. Buffy and Dawn were trying to hold back their laughter as well, and Giles only blushed and shook his head. They all fled the room, and Xander could hear the four of them burst into tears of laughter from the kitchen.
“I, I, I, uh, S-Spike, come in.” He managed to choke out.
“Don’t mind if I do, love.” And Spike did just that, taking the door from Xander, and closing it behind him. With Xander’s eyes glued to him, he shed his duster and hung it on a nearby coat rack, dropping two suitcases next to it. He took off his Doc Martins, which looked new, and piled them on top of the mountain of others.
“Xander, Xander are you okay?” Spike asked, coming within inches of the human-turned-deer caught in the headlights. He slowly, gently, reached out his hands and placed them Xander’s shoulders.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.” Xander finally snapped out his trance and realized his face was hot, either from embarrassment, or something else. “I’m just, wow. I didn’t think you were coming…”
“I sent you that letter, didn’t I? Do you know how hard it is to get night flights all the way over here? Course I’m here, pet. Wouldn’t miss it.” Spike’s grasp on Xander’s shoulders turned into a hug. At first, Xander stiffened, and finally relaxed and returned the embrace.
“I, I’m glad you came, Spike. Wouldn’t be the same without you.” The two men pulled away, slow and reluctant.
“Thanks, Xander. It means a lot that…well, you know…” Spike dropped his gaze to the floor, toeing the hardwood slightly.
“Yeah, I know. Listen, Spike, about – ”
“Xander, can we, not? Not now? Well talk about it later, alright, love? Let’s just enjoy being here now, and go in and catch up with the girls and Rupert, okay?” Spike lifted his head confidently, daring Xander to challenge his request. Xander could only nod, and he silently led him back to the kitchen which had grown suspiciously quiet the last few minutes.
Xander pushed on the swinging door, only to have it bounce back to him. He heard a round of “ow!”s and “shhh” and “they’re coming”s as he tried the door once more, successfully entering the kitchen this time. The three girls and Giles were all sitting at the table, hands folded innocently in front them, seemingly unaware that there had been a problem with the door.
“Christ, you people need to work on your Lucy ‘n Ethel routine a little more.” Spike said, rolling his eyes. The not-so-innocent inhabitants of the kitchen just looked at each other and started laughing all over again.
****
Two hours later found them in the parlor again, four empty pizza boxes burning in the fireplace, and an empty bottle of Moscato D’Asti on the serving tray on the coffee table. An as-yet undecorated Christmas tree towered over the group.
“Xander, you got any tea in this mansion?” Spike asked from where he was curled deep into the leather couch, his arm wrapped around Dawn. “Haven’t head a good cuppa since I dropped in on the ‘Bit last winter.”
Xander, who had finally regained his mastery of the English language, nodded and stood up from where he was lying on the floor.
“Yeah, you got me hooked on the stuff, remember?” He said, grabbing the tray off the coffee table.
“Yup, he’s a regular tea junkie.” Willow chimed in, also sliding from her chair. “Keep telling him he should come back to London with us. But nooo…” She rolled her eyes and picked up all the empty wine glasses. “Here, Xan, I’ll help.”
“Sounds good.” Xander said, reflecting Spike’s smile. He almost dropped the tray, backing out of the room.
“So, Spike, what’s with the new do?” Xander heard Buffy ask as he made his way into the kitchen, quickly followed by a very excited Willow.
“Well!?” She asked the minute the door closed.
“Well, what?” Xander asked, setting the tray down on the island and carrying the bottle to the recycling bin under the cabinet by the door.
“Don’t play coy with me, Xander Harris!” Willow exclaimed, placing the glasses in the sink, eyeing Xander as he brought the tea kettle to the faucet and switched it on.
“Well…I don’t know, Wills. I just, don’t know.” He supplied truthfully with a shrug.
“Xander, have I mentioned that Resolve Face only gets more powerful with age?” She sounded serious, and when Xander glanced over, he noticed that Resolve Face was in place, ready to fire. He cringed, turning off the water and turning to the stove.
He placed the kettle over the flame, trying to avoid the look at all costs.
“Okay, Wills, okay. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. Can you grab the teapot and the cups out of that cupboard over there?” He pointed. She looked at him for a moment longer, but retrieved the items anyway, placing them on the tray.
“Well, do you think he still…feels like he used to? I mean, before, you know.” She asked, going to the refrigerator to get milk and a lemon.
“I don’t know, I really don’t. And it’s driving me crazy.” He sighed, crossing the kitchen to where he kept the tea and the other ingredients. “I just wish I could read minds sometimes, you know?”
“No, Xander, trust me, you don’t. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Willow said, taking a seat on one of the barstools at the island. She grabbed a knife from the butcher’s rack and began slicing the lemon.
“When did you ever – oh, right.” Xander looked at Willow, who for just a moment looked so sad, remembering everything she’d done. “Anyway, I just wish I knew what to do. But, I guess we’re going to talk about it later.”
“Oooo, later, huh? Before or after the good old horizontal mambo?” She retorted, grinning widely.
“Willow, dear god! I think those Brits are a bad influence on you!” Xander laughed, pulling the kettle off the stove just as it began to whistle. He poured some water into the pot to warm it, and replaced the kettle on the stove, turning the dial to low. “And anyway, I don’t know if that’ll ever happen again. Not that I’d be opposed to it, but I really fucked things up, Wills. I don’t know if he’s forgiven me yet, or if he ever will. Wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.”
“Xander, stop that right now. It was a really long time ago, and it wasn’t your fault they…that it happened the way it did.” Xander held her gaze and after a moment she wavered. “Okay, alright, maybe a small part of it was, but Xander, why would anyone think you could have saved them? Not that you can’t save the world, but come on, there were dragons and scary clown people and all kinds of bad stuff. You could have gotten killed!”
“I know, Willow, I know. I just can’t help but think that maybe I could have saved them, or helped them, or something. Instead I stayed here. Either way, I did lie to him and he’s still right.”
He finished putting all the ingredients and tea into the pot, adding the water. While the tea did its magic, he pulled the spoons from the drawer and put them on the tray and poured the milk into the dish, capping it and returning it to the fridge.
“But, so? So what? If I’ve learned anything, Xander, it’s that no matter what happens, you don’t stop loving someone.” Willow got up from the table and came around to hug him. He hugged her back tightly, wondering if she was right.
They let go of each other after a moment, and he strained the leaves out of the tea and put the lid on, checking to make sure everything was right. She held the door open as he carried the tray of goodies out to his family.
“…and I said to the daft git, ‘If I ever see your ugly face around here again, I will tell your mum!’” Spike finished his story as Buffy and Dawn exploded in laughter for the nth time that night.
Spike and Xander’s eyes met as he set the tray back on the coffee table, pouring tea for everyone. Xander eventually looked away, feeling the awkwardness of lovers gone astray after a few moments.
Once more, everyone remarked on the tea. Even Buffy, with her “no tea for life! diet,” sipped at it, saying that it wasn’t “all that bad.”
“S’good, pet. Taught you well, I did.” Xander noticed that Spike’s eyes had a far-away look to them, as if he was back there again. But he came back quickly enough. “So, how bout we throw some tinsel on this thing and be done with it, yeah?”
Dawn was the first person to bound over the unexplored boxes. Eventually the older members of the group struggled to their feet. As everyone began digging into the boxes, Xander went to the wall switch and turned on the music system, pumping Christmas oldies through every room in the house.
****
“Everyone ready?” Xander asked, hand poised on the light switch.
“Come on, Xander, I wanna see it!” Dawn whined.
“Yeah, Xander, hurry up!” Willow was bouncing by the fireplace.
“Okay, here we go!” He said, flicking the switch and plunging the parlor into dingy firelight. “Spike, plug it in.”
A moment later, the room was filled with light once again as the Christmas tree glowed to life. There were so many lights on it, Xander flashed back to watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, where the electricity meter spun fast enough to break. But, he had to admit, it was beautiful.
A murmur of “oh”s and “wow”s and gasps rolled through the room as everyone took in the splendor of their work.
“Tree pretty.” Buffy said in her best four year old voice.
“Beautiful.” Willow whispered, tears glistening in the corner of her eyes. Xander came up behind her and hugged her. “Remember the first time I came over to your house to help decorate the tree, Xander?”
“How could I forget? We ate all of Santa’s cookies and had to leave club crackers instead.” He remembered. Willow giggled.
“That seems like so long ago.” She turned in his arms and hugged him back.
“Was a long time ago, Willow. We were, what, eight?” She shrugged in his arm, and let go.
“Dear, when did it get so late?” Giles asked, looking at his watch. Xander glanced at the clock on the mantle and gawked to find it was almost three o’clock.
“Time flies when you’re having fun?” He offered.
“Quite right, I suppose. But, I think I’m going to retire; this Englishman is beat.”
“I know I could go for some Z’s.” Dawn said, hugging and linking her arm with Willow, the two following the Watcher into the foyer.
“Here, Xander, I’ll help you with the dishes.” Buffy offered, moving to pick up the tray.
“Nah, don’t worry about it, Buff. You’re practically falling asleep standing up.” He laughed as she yawned twice in a row.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right. Sure you don’t want help?”
“Yeah, it’s cool. I think I’m just gonna rinse ‘em out tonight, I’ll clean them tomorrow while you girls are shopping.” He went to her, kissing her on the forehead. She smiled and hugged him tight, making her exit too.
Spike was still standing in front of the tree, his gaze again in that far off place. Didn’t seem to notice everyone had gone to bed.
“You okay, Spike?” He asked, not getting to close to the vampire.
“Hmm? Oh, sure, I’m fine, pet. Was just remembering that Christmas you had me tied up in that chair in that damned basement. Made me listen to you sing at the top of your lungs while you decorated that dinky little plank of wood.” Spike turned and looked at Xander, the glow of fire refracting and reflecting in those golden blue eyes.
“Wow. You remember that?” Xander asked, dropping his gaze, and turning to pick up the tray.
“Course I do. Was my first Christmas since 1892, wasn’t it?” Spike snorted. “My first Christmas with you.” He added, barely above a whisper.
“Hmph. Guess it was, wasn’t it? Even if you were tied to a chair.” He smiled, remembering how they used to bicker.
“You were right, you know.” Spike asked, following as Xander made his way back to the kitchen.
“Bout what, Spike?”
“You are a nummy treat.” Spike whispered, his mouth inches from Xander’s ear, almost causing the human to drop the tray of expensive china.
“I, I, uh.” He stammered.
“Funny, all this money, pretty house, great life, and you still can’t speak bloody English when you get worked up.” Spike teased, slipping around Xander to hold open the kitchen door.
“Can so! Just, apparently, not around you.” He said truthfully, setting the tray on the island. He quickly rinsed out the pot and the cups as Spike stood near the door, eyes glued on Xander.
“Are you happy, Xan?” He asked, quietly but confidently.
“That’s a hard question, Spike.” Xander replied, shutting off the water and flicking the light over the stove on in case someone got thirsty in the night.
“Shouldn’t be, Xander. Rather simple, I should think. Yes or no.” Spike switched the overhead light off as they made their way out of the room and to the foyer, checking windows and closing drapes along the way.
“Spike,” Xander said, locking and dead bolting the front door. “How long have you known me? Nothing with me is simple.” He switched off the chandelier and turned to find Spike already on the stairs, waiting for him.
The light from the still blazing Christmas tree drifted in from the parlor, casting shadows and a stained glass aura on the vampire. Xander drew a breath, as he absorbed the vision before him. He joined Spike on the stairs, and began ascending, almost but not quite touching the vampire.
“Not so, pet. I think you’re more simple than you know.” Spike said once they reached the second floor hallway.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Xander asked, turning to open the door to his bedroom. He heard Spike take an involuntary breath upon entering the room, looking around at the plush furnishings.
“I think you know. I think you’ve always known.” Spike stopped and turned to face Xander, both men unsure of what to say or do next.
“Uh, well, this is my room. But, I’m out of bedrooms, so you can have it. I’m going to go upstairs to the studio for a bit anyway.” Xander said softly after a moment.
Spike just shrugged, but Xander could’ve sworn he looked almost hurt as he closed the door on his way out, leaving Spike alone in the room.
Xander made his way up to the studio, collapsing into the arm chair facing the west windows, the only piece of furniture in the room so far. Eventually when he finished the room, he would turn it into a real studio. But for now, he liked it the way it was.
It wasn’t long before he took the blanket off the back, brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped himself in the warm flannel.
He soon fell asleep, his dreams taking him back in time to that night over four years ago when his world came crashing in on him. The last time he’d ever seen Spike.
****
Ever since Spike had rejoined the land of corporeal, him and Xander had taken turns visiting each other. Xander would go to L.A. one weekend, Spike to Montana the next. Xander finally told Spike his feelings for the vampire and was surprised to find that he shared them.
They fell into a natural cycle of detesting the separation but loving the time spent together even more. Spike hadn’t told the L.A. gang because, as he’d said to Xander, “Don’t want anything to happen to you, love. They wouldn’t hurt you, but there are plenty of people who would. Don’t want it to, pet. Love you.”
This suited Xander quite well, considering his renewed life in the construction industry. He had a small, though nice, apartment in town. He had a beat-up old car, but it got him where he needed to go, so who cared? The biggest change in Xander’s life, though, besides Spike, was his new anti-demon lifestyle.
After Sunnydale was finally finished and the Scoobies had went their separate ways, Xander decided his white-hat days were over. If he encountered someone in trouble, he wouldn’t think twice about helping. But, he’d decided, he was done going out and looking for the bad guys. After growing up in Sunnydale and then losing everything, he wanted nothing more than a normal life. Or rather, as normal as anyone who was loving with a Vampire turned ghost turned vampire who had saved the world.
All was well and good. When Spike came to town, there was no talk of demons or patrolling. The two would stay up all night and day and talk about books and movies and their pasts. Xander had never been happier and Spike confessed the same.
Seemed they spoke every day, and the running joke was that they’d do anything for each other. “Do anything for you, pet. Except move to bleedin’ Montana, love.” Spike would tease, only to be countered with “Me too, bleached wonder. Well, except move into the same town as Deadboy.”
Everything had been great, going well. The Scoobies eventually found out by way of Spike’s big mouth, but even they had been okay with it after a while. For a few months, it seemed like everything was perfect. They each had their own separate lives without the pressure of someone being there all the time. But when they were together, they never left the other’s sight. Practically never got out of bed.
But then Wolfram and Heart stepped in. Putting pressure on Angel, trying to destroy the L.A. group. Setting up Fred’s death and Gunn’s tragedy, seemingly turning Angel against them. Wes’ slow deterioration to the bottle. With the exception of Cordy, none of these people meant anything to Xander, but the loss was destroying Spike.
Spike had called Xander one night, crying softly into the phone. The sound of Spike in pain ripped Xander’s heart apart. He asked Xander to come to L.A. and help them in the battle; they needed all the help they could get.
“…doesn’t look good, pet.” Spike said, voice low and hoarse.
“Spike…I can’t.” Xander replied, pain creeping into his own voice.
“Pet?”
“Spike, you know – you know I can’t do that. You know I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”
“Are you bloody serious, Xander? What do you mean you can’t? You fought for how many years with the Slayer. Now you’re turning your back on us? On me?”
“Spike, don’t fight. Come here and stay with me.”
“Can’t do that, Xander. This is my family. Even the ponce. I can’t let them die without putting up a fight. Can’t run and hide. Please, pet, I need you.” Spike’s voice sounded so harsh, so haunted.
“I just can’t, Spike. I’ve lost too much already. My life…it’s finally good, Spike. Please don’t ask me to-”
“Fine, Xander. I don’t know why I thought you’d give up your precious ‘good life’ to save the world. Not like you’ve ever done it before, right? Not like you give a shit about the people I love.”
“That’s not fair, Spike. You know I’ve lost people. I’ve put in my fair share of fighting time, you know that!” Xander had started shouting into the phone. Spike’s harsh words were tearing him apart.
“Know what, Xander, just don’t. Good bye, whelp.” Spike said, venom strained through gritted teeth.
“Spike, wait -” The phone went dead, the connection severed. Xander dropped the phone, collapsing to the floor. He didn’t move for days and cried his weight in tears. Roger finally came by because he’d been worried when Xander hadn’t shown up for work.
He’d put Xander in bed and forced him to eat and rest. Hadn’t left for a couple days himself.
A week later there was a knock at the door. Xander had opened it to find a very broken and very battered Spike. He was leaning on a crutch under his right arm, his face was one big bruise, swollen and purple. Xander hadn’t seen him this beat up since Glory had gotten her hands on him.
He went to hug the vampire, but Spike held up his hand, gesturing for him to keep his distance.
“I had no where else to go, Harris.” He said. The words were like missiles launched at Xander’s chest. “Can I stay here until I’m well enough to travel?”
Xander had said nothing as tears welled up in his eyes all over again. He nodded and opened the door wider, allowing Spike to enter.
For eleven days, Xander could remember counting them, neither man spoke to the other. Spike slept in the living room, refusing to sleep in Xander’s bed, with or without Xander in it.
Xander made sure there was plenty of blood in the refrigerator and that the apartment was warm with plenty of blankets. For the most part, he tried to stay out of Spike’s way, feeling as if maybe his lover would forgive him if only he had time alone.
On the twelfth day, a short while before sunset, Spike finally spoke.
“Xander, I’m leaving tonight.” Spike muttered, pulling on his boots.
Xander quickly felt all the blood rush from his head as dizziness set in. He sat in the nearest chair he could find, opposite to Spike. When the tea cups in his head stopped spinning, he found Spike looking at him. His eyes were so dark they were almost black, and Xander remembered the last time he’d seen them this color.
“Wh-what? Spike?” He managed to choke back the scream in his chest and reign in the tears that wanted desperately to flow.
“They’re dead, Xander.” Spike dropped his gaze to the floor, his hands shaking as he reached into his duster and pulled out his smokes. He could barely light it because he was trembling so horridly.
“You mean-”
“They’re gone. They didn’t survive the…war. Even Angel’s dust. I’m all that’s left,” was all Spike could say.
“Spike, I’m so sorry.” Xander replied, getting up from his chair and crossing to where Spike sat, only to be pushed away as Spike got up.
“Whatever, Xander. S’not like you care anyway. You lied to me, Xander.”
“What? No, no I didn’t, Spike. I love you.” He whispered.
“S’not that, pet. You said you would do anything. But when I needed you most, you wouldn’t come. You wouldn’t come and now they’re gone. My family’s dead. They’re gone and you lied to me.”
Xander got up and went to Spike, only to be pushed away yet again. He wouldn’t let Xander touch him, and that hurt worse than anything.
“I have to go now.” Spike murmured.
“Spike?” Xander half whispered. “Spike, no.”
“Toss off, you git!” Spike screamed at Xander. “You lied to me, and I’m nothing if not a man of honor. I can’t tolerate that, Xander. Not when the stakes are so high. Not when the people I love…are gone. Just bloody can’t.” Spike shrugged on his duster and made his way to the door. He had it half open when Xander grabbed his arm, tears in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks.
“Spike, I didn’t lie. I meant what I said. I’ll do anything for you.” Xander had to choke back the sobs between his words. “I love you Spike, please don’t leave me. Please, Spike.”
“See you around, Harris.” Venom in those final words.
Spike slammed the door behind him for the last time. Xander never saw him again.
****
Author:
chocgood84 Paring: S/X (BtVS)
Rating: NC-17
A/N: Set 4 years post Not Fade Away. Only Spike survived Wolfram and Heart. Otherwise, pure and total schmoop fest. Hey look, I can write not-angst…who knew? Also, decidedly unbetad:)
Disclaimer: Aren’t mine. Never have been, never will be. Don’t sue, this is my fun.
Twilight had just barely turned into evening when he and Giles finally had the tree set up in the parlor. It’d taken them half the afternoon to find just the perfect one, and the rest of it to chop it down. But finally, after much heavy breathing and many pulled muscles, they’d gotten it through the door and onto the stand. Xander was again thankful he had such high ceilings because this was one large Christmas tree.
He’d just finished bringing in all eight boxes of Christmas decorations and opening them up for the girls to go through when there was a knock at the door.
“Huh, that’s weird.” He said out loud. No one seemed to notice while they pulled strands of lights and garland and tinsel out of the different boxes. He quietly left the room and made his way to the front door. He opened it to reveal a slender blonde in a long black leather duster wearing the sexiest smirk Xander had ever seen.
“Merry Christmas, pet.” Spike said, his smirk growing to a smile.
“I, I, I, uh-” Xander stammered, just staring at Spike. Taking in and absorbing how incredibly gorgeous he was. The same ice-blue eyes, the same pale pink lips open to reveal perfect white teeth. The duster and the Docs were there, as they would always be, but Spike was wearing a blue v-neck sweater that matched his eyes perfectly, and dark, but not black, jeans. He’d let the platinum spikes grow out, and now his hair was very curly and somewhere between brown and blonde. He just looked gorgeous, and Xander couldn’t quite remember how to breathe at the moment.
“Spike!” Dawn squealed, making everyone hold their hands to their ears. She ran into his open arms, almost knocking him over. She was followed by Willow and even Buffy as everyone ran to the door, happy to see the long lost vampire. Giles extended his hand, greeting him warmly.
Then, as one, everyone turned to see Xander still clutching the door knob, staring wide eyed and open mouthed at the latest arrival. Xander was trying to remember, trying to think of what he was supposed to be saying, what he should be doing.
“Xander, pet, you alright?” Spike asked, concern wavering in his deep voice. Xander nodded, his mouth still hanging open.
Willow stretched on her toes and pulled Xander down to whisper in his ear. “Then maybe you should invite him inside.” She used a finger to close his mouth as she pulled away, almost in hysterics. Buffy and Dawn were trying to hold back their laughter as well, and Giles only blushed and shook his head. They all fled the room, and Xander could hear the four of them burst into tears of laughter from the kitchen.
“I, I, I, uh, S-Spike, come in.” He managed to choke out.
“Don’t mind if I do, love.” And Spike did just that, taking the door from Xander, and closing it behind him. With Xander’s eyes glued to him, he shed his duster and hung it on a nearby coat rack, dropping two suitcases next to it. He took off his Doc Martins, which looked new, and piled them on top of the mountain of others.
“Xander, Xander are you okay?” Spike asked, coming within inches of the human-turned-deer caught in the headlights. He slowly, gently, reached out his hands and placed them Xander’s shoulders.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.” Xander finally snapped out his trance and realized his face was hot, either from embarrassment, or something else. “I’m just, wow. I didn’t think you were coming…”
“I sent you that letter, didn’t I? Do you know how hard it is to get night flights all the way over here? Course I’m here, pet. Wouldn’t miss it.” Spike’s grasp on Xander’s shoulders turned into a hug. At first, Xander stiffened, and finally relaxed and returned the embrace.
“I, I’m glad you came, Spike. Wouldn’t be the same without you.” The two men pulled away, slow and reluctant.
“Thanks, Xander. It means a lot that…well, you know…” Spike dropped his gaze to the floor, toeing the hardwood slightly.
“Yeah, I know. Listen, Spike, about – ”
“Xander, can we, not? Not now? Well talk about it later, alright, love? Let’s just enjoy being here now, and go in and catch up with the girls and Rupert, okay?” Spike lifted his head confidently, daring Xander to challenge his request. Xander could only nod, and he silently led him back to the kitchen which had grown suspiciously quiet the last few minutes.
Xander pushed on the swinging door, only to have it bounce back to him. He heard a round of “ow!”s and “shhh” and “they’re coming”s as he tried the door once more, successfully entering the kitchen this time. The three girls and Giles were all sitting at the table, hands folded innocently in front them, seemingly unaware that there had been a problem with the door.
“Christ, you people need to work on your Lucy ‘n Ethel routine a little more.” Spike said, rolling his eyes. The not-so-innocent inhabitants of the kitchen just looked at each other and started laughing all over again.
****
Two hours later found them in the parlor again, four empty pizza boxes burning in the fireplace, and an empty bottle of Moscato D’Asti on the serving tray on the coffee table. An as-yet undecorated Christmas tree towered over the group.
“Xander, you got any tea in this mansion?” Spike asked from where he was curled deep into the leather couch, his arm wrapped around Dawn. “Haven’t head a good cuppa since I dropped in on the ‘Bit last winter.”
Xander, who had finally regained his mastery of the English language, nodded and stood up from where he was lying on the floor.
“Yeah, you got me hooked on the stuff, remember?” He said, grabbing the tray off the coffee table.
“Yup, he’s a regular tea junkie.” Willow chimed in, also sliding from her chair. “Keep telling him he should come back to London with us. But nooo…” She rolled her eyes and picked up all the empty wine glasses. “Here, Xan, I’ll help.”
“Sounds good.” Xander said, reflecting Spike’s smile. He almost dropped the tray, backing out of the room.
“So, Spike, what’s with the new do?” Xander heard Buffy ask as he made his way into the kitchen, quickly followed by a very excited Willow.
“Well!?” She asked the minute the door closed.
“Well, what?” Xander asked, setting the tray down on the island and carrying the bottle to the recycling bin under the cabinet by the door.
“Don’t play coy with me, Xander Harris!” Willow exclaimed, placing the glasses in the sink, eyeing Xander as he brought the tea kettle to the faucet and switched it on.
“Well…I don’t know, Wills. I just, don’t know.” He supplied truthfully with a shrug.
“Xander, have I mentioned that Resolve Face only gets more powerful with age?” She sounded serious, and when Xander glanced over, he noticed that Resolve Face was in place, ready to fire. He cringed, turning off the water and turning to the stove.
He placed the kettle over the flame, trying to avoid the look at all costs.
“Okay, Wills, okay. I honestly don’t know what to make of it. Can you grab the teapot and the cups out of that cupboard over there?” He pointed. She looked at him for a moment longer, but retrieved the items anyway, placing them on the tray.
“Well, do you think he still…feels like he used to? I mean, before, you know.” She asked, going to the refrigerator to get milk and a lemon.
“I don’t know, I really don’t. And it’s driving me crazy.” He sighed, crossing the kitchen to where he kept the tea and the other ingredients. “I just wish I could read minds sometimes, you know?”
“No, Xander, trust me, you don’t. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Willow said, taking a seat on one of the barstools at the island. She grabbed a knife from the butcher’s rack and began slicing the lemon.
“When did you ever – oh, right.” Xander looked at Willow, who for just a moment looked so sad, remembering everything she’d done. “Anyway, I just wish I knew what to do. But, I guess we’re going to talk about it later.”
“Oooo, later, huh? Before or after the good old horizontal mambo?” She retorted, grinning widely.
“Willow, dear god! I think those Brits are a bad influence on you!” Xander laughed, pulling the kettle off the stove just as it began to whistle. He poured some water into the pot to warm it, and replaced the kettle on the stove, turning the dial to low. “And anyway, I don’t know if that’ll ever happen again. Not that I’d be opposed to it, but I really fucked things up, Wills. I don’t know if he’s forgiven me yet, or if he ever will. Wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.”
“Xander, stop that right now. It was a really long time ago, and it wasn’t your fault they…that it happened the way it did.” Xander held her gaze and after a moment she wavered. “Okay, alright, maybe a small part of it was, but Xander, why would anyone think you could have saved them? Not that you can’t save the world, but come on, there were dragons and scary clown people and all kinds of bad stuff. You could have gotten killed!”
“I know, Willow, I know. I just can’t help but think that maybe I could have saved them, or helped them, or something. Instead I stayed here. Either way, I did lie to him and he’s still right.”
He finished putting all the ingredients and tea into the pot, adding the water. While the tea did its magic, he pulled the spoons from the drawer and put them on the tray and poured the milk into the dish, capping it and returning it to the fridge.
“But, so? So what? If I’ve learned anything, Xander, it’s that no matter what happens, you don’t stop loving someone.” Willow got up from the table and came around to hug him. He hugged her back tightly, wondering if she was right.
They let go of each other after a moment, and he strained the leaves out of the tea and put the lid on, checking to make sure everything was right. She held the door open as he carried the tray of goodies out to his family.
“…and I said to the daft git, ‘If I ever see your ugly face around here again, I will tell your mum!’” Spike finished his story as Buffy and Dawn exploded in laughter for the nth time that night.
Spike and Xander’s eyes met as he set the tray back on the coffee table, pouring tea for everyone. Xander eventually looked away, feeling the awkwardness of lovers gone astray after a few moments.
Once more, everyone remarked on the tea. Even Buffy, with her “no tea for life! diet,” sipped at it, saying that it wasn’t “all that bad.”
“S’good, pet. Taught you well, I did.” Xander noticed that Spike’s eyes had a far-away look to them, as if he was back there again. But he came back quickly enough. “So, how bout we throw some tinsel on this thing and be done with it, yeah?”
Dawn was the first person to bound over the unexplored boxes. Eventually the older members of the group struggled to their feet. As everyone began digging into the boxes, Xander went to the wall switch and turned on the music system, pumping Christmas oldies through every room in the house.
****
“Everyone ready?” Xander asked, hand poised on the light switch.
“Come on, Xander, I wanna see it!” Dawn whined.
“Yeah, Xander, hurry up!” Willow was bouncing by the fireplace.
“Okay, here we go!” He said, flicking the switch and plunging the parlor into dingy firelight. “Spike, plug it in.”
A moment later, the room was filled with light once again as the Christmas tree glowed to life. There were so many lights on it, Xander flashed back to watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, where the electricity meter spun fast enough to break. But, he had to admit, it was beautiful.
A murmur of “oh”s and “wow”s and gasps rolled through the room as everyone took in the splendor of their work.
“Tree pretty.” Buffy said in her best four year old voice.
“Beautiful.” Willow whispered, tears glistening in the corner of her eyes. Xander came up behind her and hugged her. “Remember the first time I came over to your house to help decorate the tree, Xander?”
“How could I forget? We ate all of Santa’s cookies and had to leave club crackers instead.” He remembered. Willow giggled.
“That seems like so long ago.” She turned in his arms and hugged him back.
“Was a long time ago, Willow. We were, what, eight?” She shrugged in his arm, and let go.
“Dear, when did it get so late?” Giles asked, looking at his watch. Xander glanced at the clock on the mantle and gawked to find it was almost three o’clock.
“Time flies when you’re having fun?” He offered.
“Quite right, I suppose. But, I think I’m going to retire; this Englishman is beat.”
“I know I could go for some Z’s.” Dawn said, hugging and linking her arm with Willow, the two following the Watcher into the foyer.
“Here, Xander, I’ll help you with the dishes.” Buffy offered, moving to pick up the tray.
“Nah, don’t worry about it, Buff. You’re practically falling asleep standing up.” He laughed as she yawned twice in a row.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right. Sure you don’t want help?”
“Yeah, it’s cool. I think I’m just gonna rinse ‘em out tonight, I’ll clean them tomorrow while you girls are shopping.” He went to her, kissing her on the forehead. She smiled and hugged him tight, making her exit too.
Spike was still standing in front of the tree, his gaze again in that far off place. Didn’t seem to notice everyone had gone to bed.
“You okay, Spike?” He asked, not getting to close to the vampire.
“Hmm? Oh, sure, I’m fine, pet. Was just remembering that Christmas you had me tied up in that chair in that damned basement. Made me listen to you sing at the top of your lungs while you decorated that dinky little plank of wood.” Spike turned and looked at Xander, the glow of fire refracting and reflecting in those golden blue eyes.
“Wow. You remember that?” Xander asked, dropping his gaze, and turning to pick up the tray.
“Course I do. Was my first Christmas since 1892, wasn’t it?” Spike snorted. “My first Christmas with you.” He added, barely above a whisper.
“Hmph. Guess it was, wasn’t it? Even if you were tied to a chair.” He smiled, remembering how they used to bicker.
“You were right, you know.” Spike asked, following as Xander made his way back to the kitchen.
“Bout what, Spike?”
“You are a nummy treat.” Spike whispered, his mouth inches from Xander’s ear, almost causing the human to drop the tray of expensive china.
“I, I, uh.” He stammered.
“Funny, all this money, pretty house, great life, and you still can’t speak bloody English when you get worked up.” Spike teased, slipping around Xander to hold open the kitchen door.
“Can so! Just, apparently, not around you.” He said truthfully, setting the tray on the island. He quickly rinsed out the pot and the cups as Spike stood near the door, eyes glued on Xander.
“Are you happy, Xan?” He asked, quietly but confidently.
“That’s a hard question, Spike.” Xander replied, shutting off the water and flicking the light over the stove on in case someone got thirsty in the night.
“Shouldn’t be, Xander. Rather simple, I should think. Yes or no.” Spike switched the overhead light off as they made their way out of the room and to the foyer, checking windows and closing drapes along the way.
“Spike,” Xander said, locking and dead bolting the front door. “How long have you known me? Nothing with me is simple.” He switched off the chandelier and turned to find Spike already on the stairs, waiting for him.
The light from the still blazing Christmas tree drifted in from the parlor, casting shadows and a stained glass aura on the vampire. Xander drew a breath, as he absorbed the vision before him. He joined Spike on the stairs, and began ascending, almost but not quite touching the vampire.
“Not so, pet. I think you’re more simple than you know.” Spike said once they reached the second floor hallway.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Xander asked, turning to open the door to his bedroom. He heard Spike take an involuntary breath upon entering the room, looking around at the plush furnishings.
“I think you know. I think you’ve always known.” Spike stopped and turned to face Xander, both men unsure of what to say or do next.
“Uh, well, this is my room. But, I’m out of bedrooms, so you can have it. I’m going to go upstairs to the studio for a bit anyway.” Xander said softly after a moment.
Spike just shrugged, but Xander could’ve sworn he looked almost hurt as he closed the door on his way out, leaving Spike alone in the room.
Xander made his way up to the studio, collapsing into the arm chair facing the west windows, the only piece of furniture in the room so far. Eventually when he finished the room, he would turn it into a real studio. But for now, he liked it the way it was.
It wasn’t long before he took the blanket off the back, brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped himself in the warm flannel.
He soon fell asleep, his dreams taking him back in time to that night over four years ago when his world came crashing in on him. The last time he’d ever seen Spike.
****
Ever since Spike had rejoined the land of corporeal, him and Xander had taken turns visiting each other. Xander would go to L.A. one weekend, Spike to Montana the next. Xander finally told Spike his feelings for the vampire and was surprised to find that he shared them.
They fell into a natural cycle of detesting the separation but loving the time spent together even more. Spike hadn’t told the L.A. gang because, as he’d said to Xander, “Don’t want anything to happen to you, love. They wouldn’t hurt you, but there are plenty of people who would. Don’t want it to, pet. Love you.”
This suited Xander quite well, considering his renewed life in the construction industry. He had a small, though nice, apartment in town. He had a beat-up old car, but it got him where he needed to go, so who cared? The biggest change in Xander’s life, though, besides Spike, was his new anti-demon lifestyle.
After Sunnydale was finally finished and the Scoobies had went their separate ways, Xander decided his white-hat days were over. If he encountered someone in trouble, he wouldn’t think twice about helping. But, he’d decided, he was done going out and looking for the bad guys. After growing up in Sunnydale and then losing everything, he wanted nothing more than a normal life. Or rather, as normal as anyone who was loving with a Vampire turned ghost turned vampire who had saved the world.
All was well and good. When Spike came to town, there was no talk of demons or patrolling. The two would stay up all night and day and talk about books and movies and their pasts. Xander had never been happier and Spike confessed the same.
Seemed they spoke every day, and the running joke was that they’d do anything for each other. “Do anything for you, pet. Except move to bleedin’ Montana, love.” Spike would tease, only to be countered with “Me too, bleached wonder. Well, except move into the same town as Deadboy.”
Everything had been great, going well. The Scoobies eventually found out by way of Spike’s big mouth, but even they had been okay with it after a while. For a few months, it seemed like everything was perfect. They each had their own separate lives without the pressure of someone being there all the time. But when they were together, they never left the other’s sight. Practically never got out of bed.
But then Wolfram and Heart stepped in. Putting pressure on Angel, trying to destroy the L.A. group. Setting up Fred’s death and Gunn’s tragedy, seemingly turning Angel against them. Wes’ slow deterioration to the bottle. With the exception of Cordy, none of these people meant anything to Xander, but the loss was destroying Spike.
Spike had called Xander one night, crying softly into the phone. The sound of Spike in pain ripped Xander’s heart apart. He asked Xander to come to L.A. and help them in the battle; they needed all the help they could get.
“…doesn’t look good, pet.” Spike said, voice low and hoarse.
“Spike…I can’t.” Xander replied, pain creeping into his own voice.
“Pet?”
“Spike, you know – you know I can’t do that. You know I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”
“Are you bloody serious, Xander? What do you mean you can’t? You fought for how many years with the Slayer. Now you’re turning your back on us? On me?”
“Spike, don’t fight. Come here and stay with me.”
“Can’t do that, Xander. This is my family. Even the ponce. I can’t let them die without putting up a fight. Can’t run and hide. Please, pet, I need you.” Spike’s voice sounded so harsh, so haunted.
“I just can’t, Spike. I’ve lost too much already. My life…it’s finally good, Spike. Please don’t ask me to-”
“Fine, Xander. I don’t know why I thought you’d give up your precious ‘good life’ to save the world. Not like you’ve ever done it before, right? Not like you give a shit about the people I love.”
“That’s not fair, Spike. You know I’ve lost people. I’ve put in my fair share of fighting time, you know that!” Xander had started shouting into the phone. Spike’s harsh words were tearing him apart.
“Know what, Xander, just don’t. Good bye, whelp.” Spike said, venom strained through gritted teeth.
“Spike, wait -” The phone went dead, the connection severed. Xander dropped the phone, collapsing to the floor. He didn’t move for days and cried his weight in tears. Roger finally came by because he’d been worried when Xander hadn’t shown up for work.
He’d put Xander in bed and forced him to eat and rest. Hadn’t left for a couple days himself.
A week later there was a knock at the door. Xander had opened it to find a very broken and very battered Spike. He was leaning on a crutch under his right arm, his face was one big bruise, swollen and purple. Xander hadn’t seen him this beat up since Glory had gotten her hands on him.
He went to hug the vampire, but Spike held up his hand, gesturing for him to keep his distance.
“I had no where else to go, Harris.” He said. The words were like missiles launched at Xander’s chest. “Can I stay here until I’m well enough to travel?”
Xander had said nothing as tears welled up in his eyes all over again. He nodded and opened the door wider, allowing Spike to enter.
For eleven days, Xander could remember counting them, neither man spoke to the other. Spike slept in the living room, refusing to sleep in Xander’s bed, with or without Xander in it.
Xander made sure there was plenty of blood in the refrigerator and that the apartment was warm with plenty of blankets. For the most part, he tried to stay out of Spike’s way, feeling as if maybe his lover would forgive him if only he had time alone.
On the twelfth day, a short while before sunset, Spike finally spoke.
“Xander, I’m leaving tonight.” Spike muttered, pulling on his boots.
Xander quickly felt all the blood rush from his head as dizziness set in. He sat in the nearest chair he could find, opposite to Spike. When the tea cups in his head stopped spinning, he found Spike looking at him. His eyes were so dark they were almost black, and Xander remembered the last time he’d seen them this color.
“Wh-what? Spike?” He managed to choke back the scream in his chest and reign in the tears that wanted desperately to flow.
“They’re dead, Xander.” Spike dropped his gaze to the floor, his hands shaking as he reached into his duster and pulled out his smokes. He could barely light it because he was trembling so horridly.
“You mean-”
“They’re gone. They didn’t survive the…war. Even Angel’s dust. I’m all that’s left,” was all Spike could say.
“Spike, I’m so sorry.” Xander replied, getting up from his chair and crossing to where Spike sat, only to be pushed away as Spike got up.
“Whatever, Xander. S’not like you care anyway. You lied to me, Xander.”
“What? No, no I didn’t, Spike. I love you.” He whispered.
“S’not that, pet. You said you would do anything. But when I needed you most, you wouldn’t come. You wouldn’t come and now they’re gone. My family’s dead. They’re gone and you lied to me.”
Xander got up and went to Spike, only to be pushed away yet again. He wouldn’t let Xander touch him, and that hurt worse than anything.
“I have to go now.” Spike murmured.
“Spike?” Xander half whispered. “Spike, no.”
“Toss off, you git!” Spike screamed at Xander. “You lied to me, and I’m nothing if not a man of honor. I can’t tolerate that, Xander. Not when the stakes are so high. Not when the people I love…are gone. Just bloody can’t.” Spike shrugged on his duster and made his way to the door. He had it half open when Xander grabbed his arm, tears in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks.
“Spike, I didn’t lie. I meant what I said. I’ll do anything for you.” Xander had to choke back the sobs between his words. “I love you Spike, please don’t leave me. Please, Spike.”
“See you around, Harris.” Venom in those final words.
Spike slammed the door behind him for the last time. Xander never saw him again.
****
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*not*
*bounce*
Ah, what? Next part's already up?
*scampers*
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*not*
Hehehehe. Xander, the heel? Never!
Yes, I posted it all!
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