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I started this right before Halloween and have just now finished and got it betad. (thanks again, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
adis723, babe!)
This is only the first part, more to come as soon as I get it back from her:) And, feedback is a great Holiday Prezzie!
Title: Secrets and Cages (pt. 1)
Author: chocgood84 (chocgood84 @ livejournal.com)
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC-17
Notes: AU, schmoop, sex, and drugs.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Spike, Xander, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If I did, this wouldn’t be fanfic, it’d be canon. These belong to Mutant Enemy and its creator, Joss Whedon. No harm, no foul.
Xander placed another log on the fire and enjoyed the rush of heat and the pop and sizzle of sparks. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering at the unusual October chill that had descended on not-so-sunny southern California. Forecasters had predicted temperatures in the lower 40’s overnight.
Glad I remembered to bring some extra blankets and a jacket, Xander thought. He disappeared into his one-man tent and came out a few moments later with a UCSD sweater over his long-sleeved tee and a baseball cap.
He grabbed one of the sticks he had sharpened before sunset, the big bag of marshmallows and a bottle of Bud Light from the cooler. He pulled his collapsible camping chair closer to the smallish fire and sat down, enjoying the warmth mixing with the cold – the feel of his face on fire and his back half frozen. Shivers and goose bumps running rampant on his body, Xander began to skewer first two than three of the fluffy clumps of tasty goodness onto his stick.
As he thrust the stick into the flame, he thought he heard a sound in the distance. For the briefest moment he panicked, worrying about vampires and other nasties trying to get him while he was alone. But then he remembered that Tara had put up a warding spell, so nothing could come inside his camp circle that intended to do harm to him or the land.
After a time, he pulled the toasted yummies out of the fire and blew on them to cool them, trying not to repeat the last time he’d toasted marshmallows and got second degree burns on his lips. While he waited for them to cool, he twisted the top off the beer and took a big swig out of the bottle, grimacing at that first bitter taste.
Beer and marshmallows. What could be better than this?
As he started smacking on the fluff, his thoughts returned to Tara.
Thank God for Tara, he thought for the thousandth time in weeks. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. None of this would have been possible…Tomorrow wouldn’t be possible. God I love that woman.
Thinking of her at the moment helped to stave off the cold even more. Whenever Xander thought of her, his entire body was infused with warmth, traveling from his chest through his entire body and back again. It was odd to him how one woman so inherently good could change everything. Odd how she could make everything so much better, help him so much, teach him so much about himself.
I’m so lucky to have her in my life, Xander thought. Not like Buffy or Willow. Not like Giles. So much more to me. Different. All she wants is for me to be happy. That’s all that matters to her. Doesn’t care if I get the right espresso, or that I justify the wrong things she’s doing.
Wow, at least I’m getting over the guilt for feeling like that towards Buffy and Wills. And again, he had Tara to thank for that.
And Oz too, for that matter. Never would have happened if not for him, in a roundabout way. Funny how things turn out. He never would have believed he’d be sitting here and thinking of these things a year before.
“What ya thinking about, mate?” Spike. Here.
Great, Xander thought, just what I need. Although, am I really surprised?
“What are you doing here, Spike?” No animosity, no bitterness. Just a friendly question.
“The wolf told me you’d be out here. Said you could probably use some company. I’ll go if you want. I just thought we could, you know, talk.”
Those damned eyes, Xander thought. Even from the shadows, and in the glare of the fire, they’re still that iridescent blue. Like cobalt. Cobalt on fire.
“No, you don’t have to go. You came all the way out here, might as well stay a while. Grab a brewski and pull up a log.” Xander gestured to the ground beside him
“Thanks, mate, but I brought my own,” Spike said as he emerged from the shadows. “Don’t much care for that American crap.” He withdrew his silver flask from his duster.
The light of the fire danced on his duster and Xander was again taken aback by how powerful the vampire looked. That confidant strut around the fire reminded him of the cougar he had seen once in a zoo. Spike’s pale skin seemed to absorb the firelight rather than repel it, his blonde hair soften it instead of reflect it.
So beautiful.
Spike hefted one of the several large logs near the fire and dropped it next to Xander’s chair. He sat and took a pull from the flask, offered it to Xander. Xander shook his head and nodded towards his beer.
The two men sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both gazing into the fire.
“So?” Spike asked casually.
“So what?”
“So what are ya thinking about?” Spike sounded genuinely interested.
“Lots of stuff, Spike.” Xander heard the click of Spike’s zippo and the intake of breath before he smelled the strangely intoxicating scent of…”Is that what I think it is, Spike?”
“Course it is. Good ‘ole Mary, never leave home without her. Want?” Xander looked over to see Spike holding out a decent sized joint. Without even thinking about it, he set down the marshmallow stick and reached out to take the spliff. He inhaled sharply and enjoyed the burning sensation through his throat and chest. Slow exhale, and he handed it back to Spike.
“Wanna talk about it, then?”
“Talk about wha-oh, right. Nothing really to talk about. Just got a lot on my mind, is all. Been a weird couple of months.” Weird doesn’t begin to describe it, Xander thought with a small smile.
“Suit yourself, then.” Spike inhaled a deep hit and held for a few seconds. He offered it to Xander again, who shook his head ‘no’. “Just know, Xander, that I know.”
Shit. Know what? Ah, who cares. They’ll all find out soon enough anyway.
“Know what, Spike?” Another gulp of beer, another marshmallow on fire.
“I just…know. Can’t say anything to me that I haven’t heard or seen before. Nothing I don’t already know. You don’t hang around this world for over a century without learning a few things.” Spike sounded so…haunted.
Xander looked over to find Spike peering up at him. Not just looking though, looking. Xander shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His eyes wandered back to the fire and he gave a heavy sigh.
“You know, Spike. You’re probably right.” Repeating his patented marshmallow cooling technique by waving the stick around, the wind got a hold of them and the flaming goo was airborne. He finally gave up and threw the stick on the ground. Stupid marshmallows.
“’Course I am, and don’t you forget it.” A sly smile, a pull from the flask. He was still gazing at Xander. Not menacing or irritating, just, open. Spike took another drag off the blunt and stubbed it out, returned it to his duster.
“Tara says that everyone has a secret identity, Spike. You think that’s true?”
“I think it’s true a lot o’the time. A lot of people hide parts of themselves for a lot of different reasons. Doesn’t have to be that way, though. No one should have to hide. Not bein true to yourself is like being in a cage – fun for a while under the right circumstances, but it gets old.”
His voice is so smooth. So soft. Crazy how just the right word out of that mouth can make me shiver. Why can’t he be like this all the time? Oh, right…cages.
“Yeah. That’s kind of how I feel about it, I guess.”
“So who’s this Tara bird?”
“Tara? Oh, she’s a friend I met at this…place I go every once in a while. We kinda hit it off, and we’ve been friends ever since.”
“How come no one else knows about her? I’m sure Red or Slutty’d have said something about it.”
“No, they don’t know.” Xander laughed dryly, a bitter laugh. He finished off his bear and threw the empty can towards the cooler. “Then again, they don’t know a whole lot about anything anymore. At least about me.”
Spike just nodded, still listening, picking at his nail polish.
So attentive. Wonder what’s up. He’s not usually this nice to me. Wait, you know what? Fuck it. I gotta stop this. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks?
“So, mate, what’s yours?”
“What’s what?”
“Are you even a part of this conversation, Harris? I asked what’s your secret identity?”
Panic! Panic! Xander’s entire body was going into adrenaline mode. Pulse racing, breathing a near impossibility.
Just play it cool, dude. I’m the Xan-man. I’m fine, everything’s fine. Chill. Out.
“Mine? What’s my secret identity? I don’t have – well, actually I just kinda stumbled across mine. Weird, huh?” Smooth. At least I didn’t stutter or babble – that’s gotta be worth something.
“Not really – I think that’s pretty normal, at least around this berg anyway. So what is it?”
“Spike, look. I-“
“Are you a Tellatubby in your spare time?”
“A what?” Huh? “No, but-“
“A bloody superhero with x-ray vision?”
“No, it-“
“How bout a milkman? Do they even still have those? Damned dangerous job, it is-“
“Spike, I’m gay! Jesus! Is that what you wanted to hear? Christ, Spike. There - that’s my secret identity. That’s what I’m doing out here you, you…damned vampire. Trying to figure out how to tell the people that supposedly love me that I’m a fag. Are you happy, now? You wanna run back and tell everyone for me? Humiliate me some more?” SHIT. When did I start crying?
Xander glanced again towards Spike to see him frowning into the fire; hands clamped together, shoulders hunched over.
“No.” Was all Spike had to say. Xander didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the simplicity.
“What do you mean, no?” He muttered. God, why does that hurt so much? And why does it feel so good at the same time. Okay Xander, the men in white coats are being dispatched as we speak. And they’re coming with hug-me jackets.
“I mean…no. No, I’m not happy now. No, I’m not going to run back and tell those tossers and no, I don’t want to humiliate you. But yes, it is what I wanted to hear, Xander. S’about time you grew some knackers.” Completely serious face. So much passion in his voice.
Blink. Blink.
“Meh?” Was all Xander could muster as far as words went.
“Look, Harris, I’m going to tell you something. S’not something I’m proud of, being the big bad ‘n all. So if this gets around, you’ll have hell to pay, got it? I may not have a way to kill ya myself, but I still have a few favors owed to me, right?” Spike was staring straight into Xander’s eyes, one eyebrow perched mid-forehead.
“Um…yeah. Sure…what is it?” Gulp.
“Truth be told, mate,” Spike’s voice lowered to just south of a whisper, and his gaze sank to his Doc Martins. “I don’t wanna see you hurt. I don’t wanna hurt you anymore …”
What the fuck? This is Spike, here, right?
“Um…what?”
“S’true. Wouldn’t make up something like that, pet.” Spike’s gaze returned to Xander’s and held steady. The expression on Spike’s face was one of hope, pain, trust; it was unlike any expression Xander had ever seen Spike possess.
“Spike?” Xander whispered timidly. “Is that you? Or are you a pod person? Or some other demon who just happens to look like Spike?”
“Fuck off, Harris.” Spike muttered, uncapping and swigging yet again.
“Yup, it’s you.” Xander murmured, turning his gaze back to the dying fire. “So, uh, what’s your deal?”
“What do you mean?” Spike, too, looked back to the fire, enjoying the feel of warmth on his skin, the smell of the wood, the company.
“I mean, what do you mean by that? You say you care enough to not want to get on me about stupid shit anymore; why?” Xander’s voice trailed off and he could feel his heart gearing up, his lungs working overtime as they sucked in the warm air like identical Dirt Devils.
“Didn’t say I didn’t want to get on you, pet.”
Xander turned just fast enough to catch a fleeting gleam in Spike’s eyes. It was there, and then gone, and Xander gave a mental sigh. So fucking beautiful. This must be what da Vinci saw in David.
“So…?” Xander asked.
“The truth?” Spike looked down at his clasped hands, as if they possessed the answer to the riddle.
“The truth.” Barely a whisper as Xander turned in his chair to face Spike. Spike, who wouldn’t look Xander in the face.
“Well, pet, pretty simple I guess.” Spike’s gaze darted to Xander’s eyes and the quickly away. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Xander. I know I’ve done a lot of stupid crap. I know you hate me; hell, who can blame you? I tried to kill you what, like five –“
“Fourteen.” Xander interjected without thinking.
“Okay, fourteen times. So, I don’t know why I’m doing it to myself. Don’t know why I’m bloody going insane wishing I could touch you, wanting to see you smile at me. Christ, Xander, I’m even dreaming about you. I just…” Spike absolutely refused to make eye contact with Xander.
“You just…?”
“I love you Xander. Suppose I always have. I just wanted things to be different. I just, I wanted you. But because I’m such a bleedin’ git, I made you hate me. I guess I just wanted you to know. Because then, maybe, I can have something real to dream about. Maybe then I finally won’t wake up just before you have a chance to say anything. Maybe now I’ll be able to feel you.”
Xander could almost make out tears forming in Spike’s eyes, and realized his were wet as well. His heart felt like it had stopped altogether, and he had to remind himself to breath. This man loves me. This gorgeous man loves me.
“You know I don’t, right?” Xander turned back to the fire, but he still held his gaze on Spike.
“Yeah, I know. I don’t know what I thought, but I do know that. I know you’d never love me. I know what you think of me.” Spike brought his hands up to his face, obviously trying to hide his pain.
“Then you obviously don’t know anything, Spike.”
“What’s that?” Spike dropped his hands and turned to face Xander, his eyes as bright as stained glass.
“I don’t hate you, Spike. Yeah, I did once upon a time. And hell, maybe even up until a few months ago I always did. But one thing I learned through all of this is that people aren’t always what they seem. I knew you were putting on a show. Once I realized that, Spike…I didn’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate you now. Feelings…emotions have been whirling around inside me for a while now.”
“What’s this mean, pet?” Spike asked.
“What it means is that I’ve been having the same dreams about you. It means I can’t stand to see you and not be touching you. That I hate that I’ve been such a bastard to you, and that all I want, all I’ve wanted since this whole thing started, is you. It means…I think I love you too, Spike.”
Both men stared deep into the others’ eyes. Both of them took in the dead silence that had fallen on the forest, the fleeting warmth of the nearly extinguished fire, the newfound relationship they were about to embark upon.
Minutes passed like this and only the fading light brought them to their senses. Spike moved to place another log on the embers, but Xander clasped his arm and shook his head. Spike looked at him quizzically.
“Let’s go to bed.” Xander whispered, and suddenly he found himself inside the tent, the flaps zipped up to avoid the morning sunlight, and Spike laying right beside him, almost, but not quite touching him.
“Spike, I -“ Xander began, but Spike cut him off.
“Shhh, pet, I know. I don’t expect anything, and I won’t push.”
“I don’t think, I don’t think I’m ready for that. I want it to be special. I want to make sure everything is perfect and that – “
“I know, love. I feel the same way. I’ve got the rest of time to wait, and I will for you. Can we just touch? Can I just hold you, love?”
Xander knew that Spike was watching him in the darkness, and he also knew how long they both had waited for this. He nodded his approval, and instantly, he felt the strong arms wrap themselves around him. He shuddered at the cool pleasure the contact sent coursing through his body. He curled his body and fit into every crevice of Spike’s perfectly. He’d never been happier.
“Spike?” Xander asked, sleepily.
“Yeah?” Whispered Spike’s reply.
“I’m going to tell them tomorrow.”
“Good for you, love. I’ll be right there with you. Or not, if you don’t want me to.”
“I wasn’t going to tell them, and I don’t want to do it alone. Do you think…do you think you could be there?”
“Of course I can, love. I’ll go anywhere for you, Xander. I want you to know that.”
“I know. Funny…it’s been what, five minutes since we publicly stated we no longer hate each other, and now, well now I don’t want to ever leave you.”
Spike chuckled, the movement shaking Xander and bringing a smile to his lips.
“And you’ll never have to, pet. Never have to.” Spike’s embrace tightened, and Xander soon drifted off to sleep.
Second Part here.
adis723, babe!)This is only the first part, more to come as soon as I get it back from her:) And, feedback is a great Holiday Prezzie!
Title: Secrets and Cages (pt. 1)
Author: chocgood84 (chocgood84 @ livejournal.com)
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC-17
Notes: AU, schmoop, sex, and drugs.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Spike, Xander, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If I did, this wouldn’t be fanfic, it’d be canon. These belong to Mutant Enemy and its creator, Joss Whedon. No harm, no foul.
Xander placed another log on the fire and enjoyed the rush of heat and the pop and sizzle of sparks. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering at the unusual October chill that had descended on not-so-sunny southern California. Forecasters had predicted temperatures in the lower 40’s overnight.
Glad I remembered to bring some extra blankets and a jacket, Xander thought. He disappeared into his one-man tent and came out a few moments later with a UCSD sweater over his long-sleeved tee and a baseball cap.
He grabbed one of the sticks he had sharpened before sunset, the big bag of marshmallows and a bottle of Bud Light from the cooler. He pulled his collapsible camping chair closer to the smallish fire and sat down, enjoying the warmth mixing with the cold – the feel of his face on fire and his back half frozen. Shivers and goose bumps running rampant on his body, Xander began to skewer first two than three of the fluffy clumps of tasty goodness onto his stick.
As he thrust the stick into the flame, he thought he heard a sound in the distance. For the briefest moment he panicked, worrying about vampires and other nasties trying to get him while he was alone. But then he remembered that Tara had put up a warding spell, so nothing could come inside his camp circle that intended to do harm to him or the land.
After a time, he pulled the toasted yummies out of the fire and blew on them to cool them, trying not to repeat the last time he’d toasted marshmallows and got second degree burns on his lips. While he waited for them to cool, he twisted the top off the beer and took a big swig out of the bottle, grimacing at that first bitter taste.
Beer and marshmallows. What could be better than this?
As he started smacking on the fluff, his thoughts returned to Tara.
Thank God for Tara, he thought for the thousandth time in weeks. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. None of this would have been possible…Tomorrow wouldn’t be possible. God I love that woman.
Thinking of her at the moment helped to stave off the cold even more. Whenever Xander thought of her, his entire body was infused with warmth, traveling from his chest through his entire body and back again. It was odd to him how one woman so inherently good could change everything. Odd how she could make everything so much better, help him so much, teach him so much about himself.
I’m so lucky to have her in my life, Xander thought. Not like Buffy or Willow. Not like Giles. So much more to me. Different. All she wants is for me to be happy. That’s all that matters to her. Doesn’t care if I get the right espresso, or that I justify the wrong things she’s doing.
Wow, at least I’m getting over the guilt for feeling like that towards Buffy and Wills. And again, he had Tara to thank for that.
And Oz too, for that matter. Never would have happened if not for him, in a roundabout way. Funny how things turn out. He never would have believed he’d be sitting here and thinking of these things a year before.
“What ya thinking about, mate?” Spike. Here.
Great, Xander thought, just what I need. Although, am I really surprised?
“What are you doing here, Spike?” No animosity, no bitterness. Just a friendly question.
“The wolf told me you’d be out here. Said you could probably use some company. I’ll go if you want. I just thought we could, you know, talk.”
Those damned eyes, Xander thought. Even from the shadows, and in the glare of the fire, they’re still that iridescent blue. Like cobalt. Cobalt on fire.
“No, you don’t have to go. You came all the way out here, might as well stay a while. Grab a brewski and pull up a log.” Xander gestured to the ground beside him
“Thanks, mate, but I brought my own,” Spike said as he emerged from the shadows. “Don’t much care for that American crap.” He withdrew his silver flask from his duster.
The light of the fire danced on his duster and Xander was again taken aback by how powerful the vampire looked. That confidant strut around the fire reminded him of the cougar he had seen once in a zoo. Spike’s pale skin seemed to absorb the firelight rather than repel it, his blonde hair soften it instead of reflect it.
So beautiful.
Spike hefted one of the several large logs near the fire and dropped it next to Xander’s chair. He sat and took a pull from the flask, offered it to Xander. Xander shook his head and nodded towards his beer.
The two men sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both gazing into the fire.
“So?” Spike asked casually.
“So what?”
“So what are ya thinking about?” Spike sounded genuinely interested.
“Lots of stuff, Spike.” Xander heard the click of Spike’s zippo and the intake of breath before he smelled the strangely intoxicating scent of…”Is that what I think it is, Spike?”
“Course it is. Good ‘ole Mary, never leave home without her. Want?” Xander looked over to see Spike holding out a decent sized joint. Without even thinking about it, he set down the marshmallow stick and reached out to take the spliff. He inhaled sharply and enjoyed the burning sensation through his throat and chest. Slow exhale, and he handed it back to Spike.
“Wanna talk about it, then?”
“Talk about wha-oh, right. Nothing really to talk about. Just got a lot on my mind, is all. Been a weird couple of months.” Weird doesn’t begin to describe it, Xander thought with a small smile.
“Suit yourself, then.” Spike inhaled a deep hit and held for a few seconds. He offered it to Xander again, who shook his head ‘no’. “Just know, Xander, that I know.”
Shit. Know what? Ah, who cares. They’ll all find out soon enough anyway.
“Know what, Spike?” Another gulp of beer, another marshmallow on fire.
“I just…know. Can’t say anything to me that I haven’t heard or seen before. Nothing I don’t already know. You don’t hang around this world for over a century without learning a few things.” Spike sounded so…haunted.
Xander looked over to find Spike peering up at him. Not just looking though, looking. Xander shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His eyes wandered back to the fire and he gave a heavy sigh.
“You know, Spike. You’re probably right.” Repeating his patented marshmallow cooling technique by waving the stick around, the wind got a hold of them and the flaming goo was airborne. He finally gave up and threw the stick on the ground. Stupid marshmallows.
“’Course I am, and don’t you forget it.” A sly smile, a pull from the flask. He was still gazing at Xander. Not menacing or irritating, just, open. Spike took another drag off the blunt and stubbed it out, returned it to his duster.
“Tara says that everyone has a secret identity, Spike. You think that’s true?”
“I think it’s true a lot o’the time. A lot of people hide parts of themselves for a lot of different reasons. Doesn’t have to be that way, though. No one should have to hide. Not bein true to yourself is like being in a cage – fun for a while under the right circumstances, but it gets old.”
His voice is so smooth. So soft. Crazy how just the right word out of that mouth can make me shiver. Why can’t he be like this all the time? Oh, right…cages.
“Yeah. That’s kind of how I feel about it, I guess.”
“So who’s this Tara bird?”
“Tara? Oh, she’s a friend I met at this…place I go every once in a while. We kinda hit it off, and we’ve been friends ever since.”
“How come no one else knows about her? I’m sure Red or Slutty’d have said something about it.”
“No, they don’t know.” Xander laughed dryly, a bitter laugh. He finished off his bear and threw the empty can towards the cooler. “Then again, they don’t know a whole lot about anything anymore. At least about me.”
Spike just nodded, still listening, picking at his nail polish.
So attentive. Wonder what’s up. He’s not usually this nice to me. Wait, you know what? Fuck it. I gotta stop this. Who gives a shit what anyone thinks?
“So, mate, what’s yours?”
“What’s what?”
“Are you even a part of this conversation, Harris? I asked what’s your secret identity?”
Panic! Panic! Xander’s entire body was going into adrenaline mode. Pulse racing, breathing a near impossibility.
Just play it cool, dude. I’m the Xan-man. I’m fine, everything’s fine. Chill. Out.
“Mine? What’s my secret identity? I don’t have – well, actually I just kinda stumbled across mine. Weird, huh?” Smooth. At least I didn’t stutter or babble – that’s gotta be worth something.
“Not really – I think that’s pretty normal, at least around this berg anyway. So what is it?”
“Spike, look. I-“
“Are you a Tellatubby in your spare time?”
“A what?” Huh? “No, but-“
“A bloody superhero with x-ray vision?”
“No, it-“
“How bout a milkman? Do they even still have those? Damned dangerous job, it is-“
“Spike, I’m gay! Jesus! Is that what you wanted to hear? Christ, Spike. There - that’s my secret identity. That’s what I’m doing out here you, you…damned vampire. Trying to figure out how to tell the people that supposedly love me that I’m a fag. Are you happy, now? You wanna run back and tell everyone for me? Humiliate me some more?” SHIT. When did I start crying?
Xander glanced again towards Spike to see him frowning into the fire; hands clamped together, shoulders hunched over.
“No.” Was all Spike had to say. Xander didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the simplicity.
“What do you mean, no?” He muttered. God, why does that hurt so much? And why does it feel so good at the same time. Okay Xander, the men in white coats are being dispatched as we speak. And they’re coming with hug-me jackets.
“I mean…no. No, I’m not happy now. No, I’m not going to run back and tell those tossers and no, I don’t want to humiliate you. But yes, it is what I wanted to hear, Xander. S’about time you grew some knackers.” Completely serious face. So much passion in his voice.
Blink. Blink.
“Meh?” Was all Xander could muster as far as words went.
“Look, Harris, I’m going to tell you something. S’not something I’m proud of, being the big bad ‘n all. So if this gets around, you’ll have hell to pay, got it? I may not have a way to kill ya myself, but I still have a few favors owed to me, right?” Spike was staring straight into Xander’s eyes, one eyebrow perched mid-forehead.
“Um…yeah. Sure…what is it?” Gulp.
“Truth be told, mate,” Spike’s voice lowered to just south of a whisper, and his gaze sank to his Doc Martins. “I don’t wanna see you hurt. I don’t wanna hurt you anymore …”
What the fuck? This is Spike, here, right?
“Um…what?”
“S’true. Wouldn’t make up something like that, pet.” Spike’s gaze returned to Xander’s and held steady. The expression on Spike’s face was one of hope, pain, trust; it was unlike any expression Xander had ever seen Spike possess.
“Spike?” Xander whispered timidly. “Is that you? Or are you a pod person? Or some other demon who just happens to look like Spike?”
“Fuck off, Harris.” Spike muttered, uncapping and swigging yet again.
“Yup, it’s you.” Xander murmured, turning his gaze back to the dying fire. “So, uh, what’s your deal?”
“What do you mean?” Spike, too, looked back to the fire, enjoying the feel of warmth on his skin, the smell of the wood, the company.
“I mean, what do you mean by that? You say you care enough to not want to get on me about stupid shit anymore; why?” Xander’s voice trailed off and he could feel his heart gearing up, his lungs working overtime as they sucked in the warm air like identical Dirt Devils.
“Didn’t say I didn’t want to get on you, pet.”
Xander turned just fast enough to catch a fleeting gleam in Spike’s eyes. It was there, and then gone, and Xander gave a mental sigh. So fucking beautiful. This must be what da Vinci saw in David.
“So…?” Xander asked.
“The truth?” Spike looked down at his clasped hands, as if they possessed the answer to the riddle.
“The truth.” Barely a whisper as Xander turned in his chair to face Spike. Spike, who wouldn’t look Xander in the face.
“Well, pet, pretty simple I guess.” Spike’s gaze darted to Xander’s eyes and the quickly away. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Xander. I know I’ve done a lot of stupid crap. I know you hate me; hell, who can blame you? I tried to kill you what, like five –“
“Fourteen.” Xander interjected without thinking.
“Okay, fourteen times. So, I don’t know why I’m doing it to myself. Don’t know why I’m bloody going insane wishing I could touch you, wanting to see you smile at me. Christ, Xander, I’m even dreaming about you. I just…” Spike absolutely refused to make eye contact with Xander.
“You just…?”
“I love you Xander. Suppose I always have. I just wanted things to be different. I just, I wanted you. But because I’m such a bleedin’ git, I made you hate me. I guess I just wanted you to know. Because then, maybe, I can have something real to dream about. Maybe then I finally won’t wake up just before you have a chance to say anything. Maybe now I’ll be able to feel you.”
Xander could almost make out tears forming in Spike’s eyes, and realized his were wet as well. His heart felt like it had stopped altogether, and he had to remind himself to breath. This man loves me. This gorgeous man loves me.
“You know I don’t, right?” Xander turned back to the fire, but he still held his gaze on Spike.
“Yeah, I know. I don’t know what I thought, but I do know that. I know you’d never love me. I know what you think of me.” Spike brought his hands up to his face, obviously trying to hide his pain.
“Then you obviously don’t know anything, Spike.”
“What’s that?” Spike dropped his hands and turned to face Xander, his eyes as bright as stained glass.
“I don’t hate you, Spike. Yeah, I did once upon a time. And hell, maybe even up until a few months ago I always did. But one thing I learned through all of this is that people aren’t always what they seem. I knew you were putting on a show. Once I realized that, Spike…I didn’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate you now. Feelings…emotions have been whirling around inside me for a while now.”
“What’s this mean, pet?” Spike asked.
“What it means is that I’ve been having the same dreams about you. It means I can’t stand to see you and not be touching you. That I hate that I’ve been such a bastard to you, and that all I want, all I’ve wanted since this whole thing started, is you. It means…I think I love you too, Spike.”
Both men stared deep into the others’ eyes. Both of them took in the dead silence that had fallen on the forest, the fleeting warmth of the nearly extinguished fire, the newfound relationship they were about to embark upon.
Minutes passed like this and only the fading light brought them to their senses. Spike moved to place another log on the embers, but Xander clasped his arm and shook his head. Spike looked at him quizzically.
“Let’s go to bed.” Xander whispered, and suddenly he found himself inside the tent, the flaps zipped up to avoid the morning sunlight, and Spike laying right beside him, almost, but not quite touching him.
“Spike, I -“ Xander began, but Spike cut him off.
“Shhh, pet, I know. I don’t expect anything, and I won’t push.”
“I don’t think, I don’t think I’m ready for that. I want it to be special. I want to make sure everything is perfect and that – “
“I know, love. I feel the same way. I’ve got the rest of time to wait, and I will for you. Can we just touch? Can I just hold you, love?”
Xander knew that Spike was watching him in the darkness, and he also knew how long they both had waited for this. He nodded his approval, and instantly, he felt the strong arms wrap themselves around him. He shuddered at the cool pleasure the contact sent coursing through his body. He curled his body and fit into every crevice of Spike’s perfectly. He’d never been happier.
“Spike?” Xander asked, sleepily.
“Yeah?” Whispered Spike’s reply.
“I’m going to tell them tomorrow.”
“Good for you, love. I’ll be right there with you. Or not, if you don’t want me to.”
“I wasn’t going to tell them, and I don’t want to do it alone. Do you think…do you think you could be there?”
“Of course I can, love. I’ll go anywhere for you, Xander. I want you to know that.”
“I know. Funny…it’s been what, five minutes since we publicly stated we no longer hate each other, and now, well now I don’t want to ever leave you.”
Spike chuckled, the movement shaking Xander and bringing a smile to his lips.
“And you’ll never have to, pet. Never have to.” Spike’s embrace tightened, and Xander soon drifted off to sleep.
Second Part here.
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Thank you so much:) Hope you enjoy!
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