![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Yeah, um, this will be one of those long introspective things, so uh, for those that are new and still curious - pull up a chair and grab some popcorn, sometimes the inner workings of my mind can be amusing, although usually boring so get some Dew. For those that know enough about these kinds of posts, you know the drill - you've been warned.
Day before Thanksgiving when I get home, my mom and dad tell me that my cousin, Steven was killed that Saturday. The police say it was a hit and run, but his arm was severed from his shoulder completely and his face was bruised and his wallet was stolen, so chances are, wasn't an "accident". Either way, he was found lying next to the road, dead.
Before I continue, let me say this: we weren't close. He's not even really a cousin, he's the son of a friend of the family. I haven't even seen him in at least 10 years. The last recollection I have of him was when we went out to their house in Andalusia for the anual Fall Barbeque complete with a whole hog roast, frog legs, buffalo wings, the works. Anyway, the last memory I have of him is me and him teorrorizing his sister. I don't even remember what exactly we were doing. I just remember her crying and us getting in trouble. Haven't seen him since. Long story short, it's not like we were best friends or anything, so I'm really not all that upset by it. So please don't think this is me reaching out for sympathy or something; it's not my tradgedy - its his parents. And I feel absolutely horrible for them; to find out a few days before thanksgiving from the Florida State Forensics Department by sheer luck that he had fingerprints on file that their only son was killed, murdered. I can't think of anything right now that would be more horrible than that, and they are definetely in my thoughts.
So first, there's the usual feeling that I should feel *something*. I mean, I knew this guy, he was a friend when we were kids. He was only a few years older than I, so I should feel something, right? Even if we weren't close? This is the fourth "close" death I've had in about two years' time, and each time, I just felt...nothing. And that scares me. But the worst part, I think, is that I'm coming to terms with not feeling anything. This time, with Steven, it doesn't really upset me that I don't feel anything, unlike with Katherine and Bill and Dobe and Nein. Now I'm just kind of...okay, with nothingness. Maybe that's what's scary?
Anyway, the point of this post isn't that, it's that I'm opening my eyes more now, I guess. God, he was only a couple years older than I am, and something like that could happen to anyone at anytime. That's really frightening to me. I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want it yet. There's so much I want to do and accomplish. And that's sort of what the silver lining is here, my dreams have kind of sprung back out of the woodwork. I've been thinking about it more and more lately, and I've kind of got a renewed vigor to accomplish the things I want in life.
I want to help people. I want to listen to them and help their lives. If I can know, when it is my time to go, that I've helped someone, anyone, even one person I'll know my life meant something. If I know I brought happiness and a little laughter into someone's life, everything I've experienced will be worth it. If I can just help someone through something so traumatic they don't know what to do, I'll be happy with my life.
I want to know true love. This is the thing I struggle with all the time. Though I'm at a point in my life that I've accepted it's not possible and not probable right now, someday I want this. I want to know what it's like to hurt when someone else hurts and be happy because that other person is happy. I want to feel them breathing next to me at four am and give thanks that I have them in my life. I want to be there for the bad times and the good times and just be there. I want someone to be the same for me. I'm not discounting any of my prior relationships because they've all had a hand in creating the person I am. We all know how big a part of my life Chris was and maybe what I had with him is all I'll ever have. I suppose that's okay too. Either way, I'm going to keep myself and my life and my heart open for someone to walk in, even though it terrifies me to no end that I'll get hurt again.
I want to have a child. This is especially suprising considering my track record with children. But, I really think that with everything I've experienced and learned and lost and loved, and just me being me, I'll make an amazing father for a child. I want that so hard. I want to be there for someone the way no one ever was for me. I want to be able to guide and help and know that this child is part of me and that I am a part of him or her.
I want show my Mother how much I respect her and how grateful and thankful I am to have her in my life. That, despite everything, I know she did the best she could with what she had. I want to make her proud. I want to take care of her and someday be able to tell her she doesn't have to work anymore, that she can just enjoy life. I want to see her happy; truly happy the way I've never seen her.
There's just so much I want to do with my life, and so much I feel like I need to do. I know I'm supposed to have plenty of time, but there's no guarantee. There's no guarantee that the same thing that happened to Steven won't happen to me tomorrow or next week or next month.
I'm agnostic. I don't think there is one true God, and I don't believe that religion is necessarily a good thing. I don't believe in cosmic energy or karma or any of it. I can't believe in fate or destiny because I control my own life, I make my own decisions and I live my life the way I want to and the way I believe it should be done. I don't know what's waiting after death, but I suspect it's not heaven and it's certainly not hell, and I don't think people are put on this earth for any purpose. Our "god-given" talents are parts of who we are and who we become. I believe my purpose and everyone elses' for that matter, is just to live. To experience, to learn, to know love and life and death and anger. That's what I'm doing here, anyway.
So I guess my point, if there is one, is that every thing in this world is cause and effect. The effect of everything I've lived through and experienced is that I'm a person I can be proud of. The effect of Steven's death is that others, including me, can live and can live knowing and wanting and dreaming and achieving those dreams. So that's what I'm going to do.
Day before Thanksgiving when I get home, my mom and dad tell me that my cousin, Steven was killed that Saturday. The police say it was a hit and run, but his arm was severed from his shoulder completely and his face was bruised and his wallet was stolen, so chances are, wasn't an "accident". Either way, he was found lying next to the road, dead.
Before I continue, let me say this: we weren't close. He's not even really a cousin, he's the son of a friend of the family. I haven't even seen him in at least 10 years. The last recollection I have of him was when we went out to their house in Andalusia for the anual Fall Barbeque complete with a whole hog roast, frog legs, buffalo wings, the works. Anyway, the last memory I have of him is me and him teorrorizing his sister. I don't even remember what exactly we were doing. I just remember her crying and us getting in trouble. Haven't seen him since. Long story short, it's not like we were best friends or anything, so I'm really not all that upset by it. So please don't think this is me reaching out for sympathy or something; it's not my tradgedy - its his parents. And I feel absolutely horrible for them; to find out a few days before thanksgiving from the Florida State Forensics Department by sheer luck that he had fingerprints on file that their only son was killed, murdered. I can't think of anything right now that would be more horrible than that, and they are definetely in my thoughts.
So first, there's the usual feeling that I should feel *something*. I mean, I knew this guy, he was a friend when we were kids. He was only a few years older than I, so I should feel something, right? Even if we weren't close? This is the fourth "close" death I've had in about two years' time, and each time, I just felt...nothing. And that scares me. But the worst part, I think, is that I'm coming to terms with not feeling anything. This time, with Steven, it doesn't really upset me that I don't feel anything, unlike with Katherine and Bill and Dobe and Nein. Now I'm just kind of...okay, with nothingness. Maybe that's what's scary?
Anyway, the point of this post isn't that, it's that I'm opening my eyes more now, I guess. God, he was only a couple years older than I am, and something like that could happen to anyone at anytime. That's really frightening to me. I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want it yet. There's so much I want to do and accomplish. And that's sort of what the silver lining is here, my dreams have kind of sprung back out of the woodwork. I've been thinking about it more and more lately, and I've kind of got a renewed vigor to accomplish the things I want in life.
I want to help people. I want to listen to them and help their lives. If I can know, when it is my time to go, that I've helped someone, anyone, even one person I'll know my life meant something. If I know I brought happiness and a little laughter into someone's life, everything I've experienced will be worth it. If I can just help someone through something so traumatic they don't know what to do, I'll be happy with my life.
I want to know true love. This is the thing I struggle with all the time. Though I'm at a point in my life that I've accepted it's not possible and not probable right now, someday I want this. I want to know what it's like to hurt when someone else hurts and be happy because that other person is happy. I want to feel them breathing next to me at four am and give thanks that I have them in my life. I want to be there for the bad times and the good times and just be there. I want someone to be the same for me. I'm not discounting any of my prior relationships because they've all had a hand in creating the person I am. We all know how big a part of my life Chris was and maybe what I had with him is all I'll ever have. I suppose that's okay too. Either way, I'm going to keep myself and my life and my heart open for someone to walk in, even though it terrifies me to no end that I'll get hurt again.
I want to have a child. This is especially suprising considering my track record with children. But, I really think that with everything I've experienced and learned and lost and loved, and just me being me, I'll make an amazing father for a child. I want that so hard. I want to be there for someone the way no one ever was for me. I want to be able to guide and help and know that this child is part of me and that I am a part of him or her.
I want show my Mother how much I respect her and how grateful and thankful I am to have her in my life. That, despite everything, I know she did the best she could with what she had. I want to make her proud. I want to take care of her and someday be able to tell her she doesn't have to work anymore, that she can just enjoy life. I want to see her happy; truly happy the way I've never seen her.
There's just so much I want to do with my life, and so much I feel like I need to do. I know I'm supposed to have plenty of time, but there's no guarantee. There's no guarantee that the same thing that happened to Steven won't happen to me tomorrow or next week or next month.
I'm agnostic. I don't think there is one true God, and I don't believe that religion is necessarily a good thing. I don't believe in cosmic energy or karma or any of it. I can't believe in fate or destiny because I control my own life, I make my own decisions and I live my life the way I want to and the way I believe it should be done. I don't know what's waiting after death, but I suspect it's not heaven and it's certainly not hell, and I don't think people are put on this earth for any purpose. Our "god-given" talents are parts of who we are and who we become. I believe my purpose and everyone elses' for that matter, is just to live. To experience, to learn, to know love and life and death and anger. That's what I'm doing here, anyway.
So I guess my point, if there is one, is that every thing in this world is cause and effect. The effect of everything I've lived through and experienced is that I'm a person I can be proud of. The effect of Steven's death is that others, including me, can live and can live knowing and wanting and dreaming and achieving those dreams. So that's what I'm going to do.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Thanks :D