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I'm feeling trapped and I hate it. I just want everyone to let me go and leave all this shit behind me. Because if it doesn't end soon, I'm going to start fighting back. And I'd like to think I'm a little bit better than that.
You know, it's one thing to lie about something. But it's entirely another thing to lie about something to someone who knows the truth. You know, I'm only trying to get through life. I'm only trying to find myself and be happy. I don't know why so many people want to hold me back. I don't understand why so many people must think I'm this horrible person and that I deserve the bullshit they throw at me. Because you know what? I'm don't. And I'm done with appoligies and regrets and feeling like I deserve the things that happen to me. Because what I've realized is that my life is my own, and I have nothing to be sorry about.
Back in August when I first made the decision to drop all the baggage and all the issues with my life and my body and get rid of all that shit that I don't need in my life anymore, I never thought it could be so freeing. And in the past few months, I've really learned what life is like when you don't carry everyone and everything on your shoulders. And I've been overall happier than ever in my life. Of course there's been days when I just hate life in general and everything turns to shit. But what's happening is that those days are shorter and farther between. For the most part I am happy with my life, the direction I'm being pulled and the goals that I am forcing myself to achieve. What is upsetting to me now is that there are people in this world who do not want people to experience this. That there are people who want to keep me down so they can kick me around some more. Well not anymore. In the words of one Xander Harris, I'm done being everyone's buttmonkey. In other words, I'm done making excuses and appoligizing and justifying why I do what I do and why I feel how I feel and how I live my life. No one should have to do that.
In the past week, two instances have occured that have made all my issues rear their ugly heads back at me. And I'm not going to let them pull be back down. In one instance, I found out what kind of person a friend really was and I decided that they were not the type of person I wanted or needed in my life. And in keeping with what I think of as my new life, I cut that person out. I do understand that they do not quite understand the reasoning behind this. And yet I feel no reason for appologies or explanations. Because at this point in my life everything I do must be done for me, not for anyone else.
In the second instance, I was faced with a challange - a guy I once thought the world of. But once we became friends, two years ago, I got to know more about him. I have to say that despite what I learned about him, I was still attracted to him. And a year later when I was still emotionally screwed up over Chris, I used him for sex as a way to help get over Chris. It may or may not be quite as bad as using him, but that's how I see it, now and then. What's more, I did it at least twice more until other people found out. That is when I opened my eyes. To be true, I never told him I didn't want to do it anymore - I only made excuses not to. Our friendship dissolved, at least on my end, after that. I couldn't look at thim the same way anymore. And I was definetely not comfortable around him. But by then summer had come, and I was gone for three months. When I got back though, it kind of felt like things had changed and I thought maybe we could be friends again, though I still felt kind of uncomfortable and awkward around him. And then a few weeks ago, he IMs me and after a bit of beating around the bush asks if he can come to my room to watch a porno. Despite whether he actually did only want to watch it, I know that I would not have been comfortable with that. I also know that I am not quite as stupid as he must certainly think I am because I can't accept that that is all he wanted. So I finally did tell him that I wasn't comfortable with that, and that I no longer wanted any part in that. Unfortunetely I didn't tell him I wanted him out of my life.
So the past few weeks I've done everything possible to avoid him and the awkwardness he makes me feel, intentional or otherwise. And I have made it known to most of our mutual friends that he makes me feel uncomfortable and that I just plain don't want to have anything to do with him. My mistake - I didn't tell him. But Friday night he was at the party, and rightfully so because Genivieve is his friend too. And I, doing what I felt and still feel was the right thing to do, dodged him most of the night. Why should I cause a bunch of drama when there isn't need for it? And it was fine for me. I'm perfectly happy to be the one that has to leave. Or at least I was.
Now he tells me that *I* am blowing everything out of proportion and making it sound as if my entire perception of everything is misplaced. He tells me that I make others uncomfortable by not being civil. He tells me that he only wants to clear the air. I'm sorry, that's not acceptable. I do not want to clear the air. I just want him gone. I want him out of my life. Such as the other "friend", I have no need of someone who is trying to keep me down. I won't accept that anymore. Instead of analyzing it and trying to fix something that is hopelessly broken, I must get rid of it. So, if that person is reading this, please take my advice and get out. Just let me go and leave me alone. Let me leave you behind.
What everything is boiling down to is that I am starting to feel trapped. I am starting to feel once again as if I must explain my actions. That I should just appoligize for things I've done. There are three options for me in this case. 1) I can either accept that I'm completely in the wrong in everything, which I refuse to accept anymore. I can continue to be silent and patient, hoping that everything will blow out, patience that is rapidly diminishing. Or, I can go back to being 10 and lash out violently. Because when I am backed into a corner, I will fight back. And once that first punch is in, I'm not myself anymore. And once that happens, all of this will have been for nothing.
So I'm begging that for those who bear animosity towards me - let it go; I have. For those that feel as if I've wronged you - let it go; I have. And for those that feel as if they must continue to stir up things I've lost interest in - let it go; I have.
Because here's the thing: if you hurt me, I no longer want to get even or sink to your level. Because if you cause me pain, you don't deserve my attention, my time, and I won't waste such things. I no longer care. So please, just let me go.
And for those that think this is show, I have dissalowed comments. I'm not looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything other than understanding. This is me now. And if you can't accept it, than I don't want you near me.
You know, it's one thing to lie about something. But it's entirely another thing to lie about something to someone who knows the truth. You know, I'm only trying to get through life. I'm only trying to find myself and be happy. I don't know why so many people want to hold me back. I don't understand why so many people must think I'm this horrible person and that I deserve the bullshit they throw at me. Because you know what? I'm don't. And I'm done with appoligies and regrets and feeling like I deserve the things that happen to me. Because what I've realized is that my life is my own, and I have nothing to be sorry about.
Back in August when I first made the decision to drop all the baggage and all the issues with my life and my body and get rid of all that shit that I don't need in my life anymore, I never thought it could be so freeing. And in the past few months, I've really learned what life is like when you don't carry everyone and everything on your shoulders. And I've been overall happier than ever in my life. Of course there's been days when I just hate life in general and everything turns to shit. But what's happening is that those days are shorter and farther between. For the most part I am happy with my life, the direction I'm being pulled and the goals that I am forcing myself to achieve. What is upsetting to me now is that there are people in this world who do not want people to experience this. That there are people who want to keep me down so they can kick me around some more. Well not anymore. In the words of one Xander Harris, I'm done being everyone's buttmonkey. In other words, I'm done making excuses and appoligizing and justifying why I do what I do and why I feel how I feel and how I live my life. No one should have to do that.
In the past week, two instances have occured that have made all my issues rear their ugly heads back at me. And I'm not going to let them pull be back down. In one instance, I found out what kind of person a friend really was and I decided that they were not the type of person I wanted or needed in my life. And in keeping with what I think of as my new life, I cut that person out. I do understand that they do not quite understand the reasoning behind this. And yet I feel no reason for appologies or explanations. Because at this point in my life everything I do must be done for me, not for anyone else.
In the second instance, I was faced with a challange - a guy I once thought the world of. But once we became friends, two years ago, I got to know more about him. I have to say that despite what I learned about him, I was still attracted to him. And a year later when I was still emotionally screwed up over Chris, I used him for sex as a way to help get over Chris. It may or may not be quite as bad as using him, but that's how I see it, now and then. What's more, I did it at least twice more until other people found out. That is when I opened my eyes. To be true, I never told him I didn't want to do it anymore - I only made excuses not to. Our friendship dissolved, at least on my end, after that. I couldn't look at thim the same way anymore. And I was definetely not comfortable around him. But by then summer had come, and I was gone for three months. When I got back though, it kind of felt like things had changed and I thought maybe we could be friends again, though I still felt kind of uncomfortable and awkward around him. And then a few weeks ago, he IMs me and after a bit of beating around the bush asks if he can come to my room to watch a porno. Despite whether he actually did only want to watch it, I know that I would not have been comfortable with that. I also know that I am not quite as stupid as he must certainly think I am because I can't accept that that is all he wanted. So I finally did tell him that I wasn't comfortable with that, and that I no longer wanted any part in that. Unfortunetely I didn't tell him I wanted him out of my life.
So the past few weeks I've done everything possible to avoid him and the awkwardness he makes me feel, intentional or otherwise. And I have made it known to most of our mutual friends that he makes me feel uncomfortable and that I just plain don't want to have anything to do with him. My mistake - I didn't tell him. But Friday night he was at the party, and rightfully so because Genivieve is his friend too. And I, doing what I felt and still feel was the right thing to do, dodged him most of the night. Why should I cause a bunch of drama when there isn't need for it? And it was fine for me. I'm perfectly happy to be the one that has to leave. Or at least I was.
Now he tells me that *I* am blowing everything out of proportion and making it sound as if my entire perception of everything is misplaced. He tells me that I make others uncomfortable by not being civil. He tells me that he only wants to clear the air. I'm sorry, that's not acceptable. I do not want to clear the air. I just want him gone. I want him out of my life. Such as the other "friend", I have no need of someone who is trying to keep me down. I won't accept that anymore. Instead of analyzing it and trying to fix something that is hopelessly broken, I must get rid of it. So, if that person is reading this, please take my advice and get out. Just let me go and leave me alone. Let me leave you behind.
What everything is boiling down to is that I am starting to feel trapped. I am starting to feel once again as if I must explain my actions. That I should just appoligize for things I've done. There are three options for me in this case. 1) I can either accept that I'm completely in the wrong in everything, which I refuse to accept anymore. I can continue to be silent and patient, hoping that everything will blow out, patience that is rapidly diminishing. Or, I can go back to being 10 and lash out violently. Because when I am backed into a corner, I will fight back. And once that first punch is in, I'm not myself anymore. And once that happens, all of this will have been for nothing.
So I'm begging that for those who bear animosity towards me - let it go; I have. For those that feel as if I've wronged you - let it go; I have. And for those that feel as if they must continue to stir up things I've lost interest in - let it go; I have.
Because here's the thing: if you hurt me, I no longer want to get even or sink to your level. Because if you cause me pain, you don't deserve my attention, my time, and I won't waste such things. I no longer care. So please, just let me go.
And for those that think this is show, I have dissalowed comments. I'm not looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything other than understanding. This is me now. And if you can't accept it, than I don't want you near me.
