synapticjava: (Default)
( Sep. 15th, 2008 02:17 am)
Well, tomorrow night I guess I'll know if me and Tom are still going to be together. The past couple of weeks, we've been having issues and fighting nonstop. We haven't really spoken to each other for this whole past week. So I booked a hotel in Marion tomorrow night, and we're going to go and talk, on neutral ground. It's killing me that we might be breaking up, it makes me physically sick to my stomache to think of not being with him. I do love him, am still in love with him. But these problems...they're big. Our differences - which brought us together - are dividing us more and more every time we talk. It's almost like we've forgotten why we even liked each other to begin with. We're just in such different places in our lives, I don't know if we can make it work no matter how hard we both try. And right now, we're not even trying. When I haven't heard from him for three days and call only to find out he's hanging out with his friends...how should I feel? It reminds me of that reba song "Lonely Alone," and the lyrics are mostly if i have to be lonely, i'd rather be lonely alone. he says he's just been busy and going through some stuff, but isn't that what a partner is for - to share those things with? Busy, I get - I was in college once. But too busy to pick up the phone and say "Hey, I'm busy, but thinking about you?" He just doesn't look at me the same way he used to...It's like I'm just not important to him anymore. And I can't keep ignoring it, and taking the excuses. It's not fair, to either one of us.

I just wish I knew what to do. I can't stand the thought of another break up - of breaking up with him. I want to work things out, but...what if we can't? Then a year...another fucking year is just gone. I mean, it's not like I'm worried that I'll never find someone, because that's never true. The point is...I want it to be him. I'm just afraid that life has other things in store.
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