synapticjava: (good-bye alice in wonderland)
( Jun. 18th, 2007 08:11 pm)
I'm doing okay.  Not quite my once-normal chipper self, but hopefully soon.  There just constantly seems to be one thing or another that comes up.  Just when I get almost-used to him living in the other bedroom now, he moves something from our room into there.  When I'm almost used to not seeing that in here, he moves something else.  I guess it's going to take a little while before we get everything straightened out and whatnot.

The thing I'm struggling the most with is the sense of aloneness I've been feeling.  Because things between Frank and I are still...settling?...there hasn't really been any contact between myself and the world outside this house.  It's been so long since I've had to do it, I don't really know where to go or what to do to meet people.  I feel pretty odd just going to a bar by myself (ain't that a kick in the head?), and all of the friends I've met since moving here are, well, his friends.  This is the hardest part for me - the "what next?" part, because that's the part that can't be rushed.

Me and Michelle - the neighbor - are doing a day out on Wednesday, taking the kids to Lafayette.  Hopefully that'll brighten my mood a little bit, and at least I'll get out of the house.

I guess I've come a pretty long way.  Normally these situations used to require a lot of booze and buying pretty things.  Now I can barely take a drink without feeling like an alky, and the new MP3 player I bought is going back tomorrow because I feel guilty - I have bills to pay; I shouldn't be squandering my money.

I have made a definate decision, though - I'm stepping out of the game for a year.  One year - no dates, no bfs, no sex.  Just me.  Getting to know myself my myself.

Now I need to go try and get some sleep - I haven't really been sleeping all that well, and I work at 2am tomorrow/tonight.  I really can't wait for this feeling to pass.  But I know it will, so I just need to ride it out.
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