Today?

Was not a bad day. Watched the Village (as posted earlier). I guess I did like the movie for what it was, but I don't appreciate how it was advertised as a suspense/horror film - it was nothing of the sort. If you're looking for a commentary on society or a character study - brilliant.

Also had Date Night with Kierre, which was fun. We went to Olive Garden and pigged out on appetizers and salad. Mmmmm...pasta. Ah well. I think we're making that a weekly thing. The more and more I get to know her the better I like her. Which is funny because she's mortal enemies with Vive, my best friend. *shrugs* That's how the cookie crumbles methinks.

Speaking of Vive - she's who I was supposed to move in with in June. After about a two hour conversation today, we decided it'd be best if we just got our own apartments - neither one of us want to jepordize our friendship or our sanity/privacy. So, we decided it's best this way. So now I get to find my *own* place and make my *own* rules and have my *own* parties without worrying about checking with a roomate. Yay! This really makes me feel a lot better and takes a huge amount of stress off my shoulders. Maybe now I can get some sleep, eh?

It's funny - things are actually good right now, you know, aside from the stress factors. But I'm not really excited about anything, not really. I feel less than mediocre about my writing lately - Sunlight should have been way better than it was, and I'm kind of "eh" about school, and far less "eh" about anything to do with people. Maybe I'm just burnt out or I've got spring fever or something (stupid Pineal Gland!), but I just kinda feel...lost right now. I'm starting to doubt things I really shouldn't be doubting right now - my major, future career, school in general. Pretty crappy feeling if you ask me.

I miss a lot of people. I miss Grace and the way things used to be. I miss the friends I had growing up and the friends I've lost while doing so. Tonight at dinner, there were a bunch of high school couples going out - the Sadie Hawkins dance or something, and it made me really sad. Also kind of bitter because I didn't go to those things - I didn't feel welcome there. There's a lot of things I missed out on because of the stupid hicks that run the backwater school system back home. And then, of course, some of the high school kids were throwing around "fag" and "queer" and "gay". I really feel like giving up and crawling into my gay little hole and stay gay all alone away from everyone and everything until it's safe to come back out. And I hate that I feel like that - and that so many other people feel the same way. I just feel like the fight's gone out of me, I guess.

Well this post was...depressing.

addiction

Also, I wanted to formally announce that I have quit two addictions - er, one addiction and one gross habit. The addiction being soda. It sounds rediculous, but it's true - ask wilde_moon, she'll vouch for me. Drank at least one or two liters every day from the time I was about 3. S'probly why I have so much extra heft to begin with. Anyway, I'm now going on two weeks with no soda at all - not even diet (but that's gross and I'd never drink it anyway).

Bad habit - nail biting. Stopped cold turkey (okay, there was a LOT of chewing gum and smelly oils), but my nails are finally starting to grow normally, and I now have skin on my fingers! Yay! Two weeks for that, too.

I now only have one (known) addiction to tackle, and I'm askeered to do it. Stupid cigarettes - I hate 'em. They're expensive, they make my clothes smell and I hate the evol looks I get when I smoke. But on the other hand, I *love* 'em because of that feeling you get - that first drag in the morning that feels like sex and chocolate sliding down your throat. *sigh* I'm soooo gonna die young. *rolls eyes*

Matthew Shepard

stonering's offer to knit me a scarf, the "Matt" scarf in memory of Matthew Shepard has stirred up a lot more feelings than I can physically handle right now.

Why us? Why him? Why can't people just accept it? Why do so many of us get bashed or killed, or kill ourselves? Why does it have to hurt so much because a great majority of us can't be honest with those who pretend to love us, can't be honest with ourselves?

It doesn't make sense to me - I don't understand it. Maybe someone can explain it to me, because it doesn't seem psychologically correct to hate a group of people with such a passion. It doesn't make sense to me that I can't walk down the street without fear. It doesn't sit well with me that though things are changing, that there's a *need* for things to change. Can someone please explain this to me? Can someone tell me why people hate at all?

Not just those in my community, but everywhere. Why do so many people get disgusted when a black person and a white person kiss? When a man and a man or a woman and a woman show affection?

Maybe I don't understand because I'm on the recieving end. Maybe I don't understand because there's something wrong with me. I just don't get it - why is it okay to beat the queer boy in the lunchroom or at recess until he has blood running down his face and scars so deep no surgeon or therapist can ever remove them. Why is it alright for a girl to be raped by some biggot who thinks he can show her the "right way"?

You know, one of the first things we're taught in psychology is that Hate is not a natural emotion - it is a learned emotion. It is a socially dependent emotion. WHY does society teach it? Why do we subject our children and our selves to the notion that if we hate someone we are better than them? If we kick someone while they're down, that makes us superior? If we take the control away from them, if we make them beg, if we make them bleed, if we make them die - we're better. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with all of us?

Maybe I'm naive and maybe I'm a simple minded person, but maybe that's the way we should all be.

hrmm...

I have finished Kin to Sorrow - at least in my head. I'm debating between writing/posting it or getting to work on my actual homework.

Any advise?

Fic Completion: Kin to Sorrow, Session Four - The End of a Dream

Title: Kin to Sorrow, Session Four – The End of a Dream
Author: chocgood84
Rating: NC-17 for language
Notes: Xander goes into counseling after the Hellmouth has been destroyed. Spoilers through Chosen.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were, don’t sue

( Session Four – The End of a Dream )

*is shaking furiously*

okay, how can i make the trembling stop?

I just called Chris and now I can't stop fucking shaking.

Um...what?

Oooooookay. I just finally got around to watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. *sigh*. Talk about a way depressing movie. I may actually want to buy it. But not before I buy Dead Poets Society - I can't believe I don't own that yet. ANYWAY, I just watched it and now I'm all "huh?".

See, for my counseling theories final, I'm supposed to pretend as if one of the characters is my client, and then perform therapy on them. No big, right? Accept the character i was assigned is Nurse Rachet (rached?). How the fuck am I supposed to diagnose her? She's got probably 20 minutes of dialogue, and all of that is basically yelling at someone or belittling them. The only diagnosis I can come up with for her is just that she's a massive hanus bitch that has a perfection complex. And even that isn't stone-solid, ya know? Looks like I get to go in and say WTF? to Dr. Anderson. *le sigh*

And also, god damn Jack Nicholson. I might have to like him now.

And also?

Who knew that fanfiction was such a dangerous hobby - I've already had two hot-poker threats, three "i'll find you and chain you to the computer" threats, four stalker threats, ands one threat in which Spike and Xander will come frolick in my room naked, but I'll be blindfolded and chained down.

Sheesh. Tough Crowd, you know?

*BG*

Ah!

Make it stop!!!

I just started typing up one of my research summaries for Tuesday - it's about language acquisition development in children among third world decendancy.

I just went to read over what I thought I'd written, and it was a short little ficlet in which Xander grows up, but doesn't have the ability to speak. His parents call in a disasterously gorgeous hunk of a teacher. Yup - Spike. Er, more acurately Will. *facepalm*

Dear god, now the bunnies are controlling my *concious* body. Make it stop, already!