(no subject)

Riiight...party. Was fun. Mingled for about 4 hours, stopping at every table to answer how school is going *glare* and what my plans are after school, and where I'm working and when do I go back and blah blah blah. Ran around like crazy making sure people had plenty to eat and drink and whatnot (I'm such a wonderful hostess *rolls eyes*). Had a huge turnout, around 200 I think. My feet were squished into my tight shoes so they were hurting - it was worth it though, I got a thousand compliments on how I looked last night. I even got asked out!...Wait for it...by the waitress. *glares* That's like the 5th time that's happened in a month. Maybe I'm not gay enough? Or maybe it's the universe's way of saying I'm supposed to be on the *other* side of the street? *cringe* God, I hope not.

Ran to Wally World to grab some fire starter logs and some fireplace matches, and came home. Started a fire, wrote the drabble for Suki, and took a nice relaxing dip in the hot tub, relaxing in front of the fire. Finished the first part of Caged Secrets, debating whether to wait and write the rest of it to post, or post it in parts. Hmm...

And now, a ten minute tanning session and a quick shower, and I'm off to set up the Christmas tree and back cookies! Yay!

Ugh.

Back in the bad place. Tonight, went out to dinner with the 'rents and the brat. We went to Applebees, and we sit down, and as I'm taking off my coat, I look at the table next to ours, and sitting right there, looking directly at me, is Carlos. My ex from a long, long time ago. An ex who hurt me pretty bad. Granted, I understand that this is the Quad Cities, and there's only so many places to go out to eat on a Sunday night, but jeeze. At first I wasn't completely sure it was him, but I looked again a bit later, and he was still staring directly at me, while talking to the two friends he was with. And me, being the ass that I am, pretended like I had no idea it was him. No acknowledgement, no eyecontact, no smile, not even a nod. He left before we did, and I saw him get up. He stood there for a few seconds, and I could see out the corner of my eye that he was looking at me, like he was waiting for me to say something.

See, this is why the QC's are bad for me. All my exes live here, save for one who is in Florida. I don't know what he expected, he could tell I was with my family. Granted, I should have at least said hello, but I was all panicky and boom-booming inside and I just found it easier to pretend I wasn't me and he wasn't him. God I'm such a bastard. But, on the other hand, this perfectly summarizes our entire relationship - It's been at least three years, maybe four, since we broke up, and he still makes me feel like everything's my fault.

I feel like such shit right now, I want to crawl into a hole and die.

PS

Can someone rec me a S/X or S/O or X/O angst piece? I really need to bawl my eyes out over something right now, and I don't have the energy to start rereading Repo.