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Granted, haven't really been trying. Lots of things running through my head. Wanted to flush them out on paper...er, screen? Nothing of real importance here. Just getting some stuff out. Go head and move on:)
Lately I've been remembering a lot of things. I don't know why, and it's not really any coherant stream of forgotten conciousness. Just little fragments of things I never really thought of. Like my 4th birthday party at our old house in Rock Island. I remember it was such a happy day. Me and my cousins were running around screaming and playing in the little pool. Bobbing for apples. My huge Mickey Mouse birthday cake. Balloons and flyers and all kinds of things. I distinctly remember how happy my mom was, I can remember seeing her eyes glowing with it. She was pregnant with Adam, about 8 months along. Her and Dad were happy. This was before Brian got into trouble, before I grew up and before any really bad things happened. I remember everyone at the party rubbing my mom's tummy and wanting to know the name. I got my first bike that day. A month later and there was Adam. A few months after that and Adam was gone. That's a memory I'll never ever forget, but one I sometimes wish I could. Seeing Mom so devestated. What's odd is that particular memory projects itself in my mind in sephia tones. Them, standing in the front of the house as we pull up. Dad's arm around Mom's shoulder, her burrowed into his chest, obviously crying. And this look of just being...lost, on Dad's face. Like he didn't know what was going on. That was a hard time. A year later though, and we were moving into our new house. Ahsley was born and everything was great agin. I hated having a little sister though. Sometimes I still do, I think everyone knows the feeling. But I love her, Brian too. I just wish I knew what happened along the way.
A few years later and Brian was getting into big trouble and great grandma passed away, then Grandpa. Things changed a lot after that within our family and within Dad's family. And issues started coming up in Mom's family. I remember now my 10th birthday party, or maybe it was my 12th. My favorite aunt was supposed to come in from out of town. I only ever saw her once every year or so, but for some reason she was my favorite. Maybe it's because she always told me I was special and someday I'd be a big someone. Whatever, she never showed up. I was crushed, and didn't see or hear from her for another 5 years. No card, no phone call. Nothing. I remember that my mom was furious with her and I found out all this time later that the aunt had tried calling, but my mom wouldn't let her talk to me. My mom's always been really protective of me.
And then Jr. High, aka, HELL. I sometimes find it hard to distinguish which I hated more, Jr. High, or High School. I'd have to say they're about the same. But with Jr. High came puberty and akwardness, and with that came the realization that I was gay. I never had an issue with it. It never bothered me. For me, it was just a natural thing. But we all know how kids are. Even at that age before anyone even knew, they put me through hell. I remember one time though, Everisto M., a guy I hated more than anything in the world, said something mean to me in P.E. while we were playing flag football. The next thing I knew, I was running across the field and just wailing on him. I gave him two black eyes and a bloody nose. It was worth the trouble I got into, though. It kind of set the precident for the years to come. I'm a fighter. Not physically. But I don't let certain things happen. And then there was Ben, my very first. After that, nothing was the same. The next year, freshman in high school, I came out. No big shock to anyone who breathed, but it was a huge deal. Admitting it isn't the same as being it. God I went through hell in that school. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but mostly I understand and fully accept that it was my passage. That's what I had to fight. That's how I got to where I am now. And I know if things would have been different, my entire life would be different now. And for the most part, what I'm realizing, is that I like my life as it is. Sure there's things I wouldn't mind changing, and sometimes I get frustrated. But who doesn't?
I guess what's in my head now is just possiblities. I look back and I see how everything shaped who I am now. I've opened up my baggage and laid it before myself. I think I need to start getting rid of some of it. There are many things I just don't need weighing me down anymore. I want to go into what lays ahead with nothing but hope and love, for myself and for those in my life. I guess I'm sensing some big changes and I want to welcome them now.
Lately I've been remembering a lot of things. I don't know why, and it's not really any coherant stream of forgotten conciousness. Just little fragments of things I never really thought of. Like my 4th birthday party at our old house in Rock Island. I remember it was such a happy day. Me and my cousins were running around screaming and playing in the little pool. Bobbing for apples. My huge Mickey Mouse birthday cake. Balloons and flyers and all kinds of things. I distinctly remember how happy my mom was, I can remember seeing her eyes glowing with it. She was pregnant with Adam, about 8 months along. Her and Dad were happy. This was before Brian got into trouble, before I grew up and before any really bad things happened. I remember everyone at the party rubbing my mom's tummy and wanting to know the name. I got my first bike that day. A month later and there was Adam. A few months after that and Adam was gone. That's a memory I'll never ever forget, but one I sometimes wish I could. Seeing Mom so devestated. What's odd is that particular memory projects itself in my mind in sephia tones. Them, standing in the front of the house as we pull up. Dad's arm around Mom's shoulder, her burrowed into his chest, obviously crying. And this look of just being...lost, on Dad's face. Like he didn't know what was going on. That was a hard time. A year later though, and we were moving into our new house. Ahsley was born and everything was great agin. I hated having a little sister though. Sometimes I still do, I think everyone knows the feeling. But I love her, Brian too. I just wish I knew what happened along the way.
A few years later and Brian was getting into big trouble and great grandma passed away, then Grandpa. Things changed a lot after that within our family and within Dad's family. And issues started coming up in Mom's family. I remember now my 10th birthday party, or maybe it was my 12th. My favorite aunt was supposed to come in from out of town. I only ever saw her once every year or so, but for some reason she was my favorite. Maybe it's because she always told me I was special and someday I'd be a big someone. Whatever, she never showed up. I was crushed, and didn't see or hear from her for another 5 years. No card, no phone call. Nothing. I remember that my mom was furious with her and I found out all this time later that the aunt had tried calling, but my mom wouldn't let her talk to me. My mom's always been really protective of me.
And then Jr. High, aka, HELL. I sometimes find it hard to distinguish which I hated more, Jr. High, or High School. I'd have to say they're about the same. But with Jr. High came puberty and akwardness, and with that came the realization that I was gay. I never had an issue with it. It never bothered me. For me, it was just a natural thing. But we all know how kids are. Even at that age before anyone even knew, they put me through hell. I remember one time though, Everisto M., a guy I hated more than anything in the world, said something mean to me in P.E. while we were playing flag football. The next thing I knew, I was running across the field and just wailing on him. I gave him two black eyes and a bloody nose. It was worth the trouble I got into, though. It kind of set the precident for the years to come. I'm a fighter. Not physically. But I don't let certain things happen. And then there was Ben, my very first. After that, nothing was the same. The next year, freshman in high school, I came out. No big shock to anyone who breathed, but it was a huge deal. Admitting it isn't the same as being it. God I went through hell in that school. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but mostly I understand and fully accept that it was my passage. That's what I had to fight. That's how I got to where I am now. And I know if things would have been different, my entire life would be different now. And for the most part, what I'm realizing, is that I like my life as it is. Sure there's things I wouldn't mind changing, and sometimes I get frustrated. But who doesn't?
I guess what's in my head now is just possiblities. I look back and I see how everything shaped who I am now. I've opened up my baggage and laid it before myself. I think I need to start getting rid of some of it. There are many things I just don't need weighing me down anymore. I want to go into what lays ahead with nothing but hope and love, for myself and for those in my life. I guess I'm sensing some big changes and I want to welcome them now.
From:
no subject
Blessing and good fortune and here's a 50-gallon trashcan for all that baggage, sweetie.
*hugs*
From:
awww *sniffle*
From:
Re: awww *sniffle*
*jumps with you*