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I don't feel good. I hurt in all places. This little vacation of sorts couldn't come at a better time. Tonight I totally snapped on my entire crew. Ever have one of those moments when it just seems like everyone in the whole world is just out to drive you crazy? Doesn't help when 20 people are screaming your name and needing you for something at the same time. Doesn't help when you are feeling trapped. Doesn't help when you're feeling worse than you have for a while. Doesn't help when you just hate everything. So I snapped. One person walked out, I fired another person. And quite frankly, I think I scared a customer or four. That'll teach them to ask for ketchup when there's a perfectly fine-working clearly labled "Ketchup" pump. That'll show them that no, they are not, contrary to whosever opinion, always right. And that just because I'm a "lowly" piss-on fast food manager that they can not, in fact, piss all over me. That'll show those bastard whiney brat-children employees who runs the show.
...I appologized like four minutes later.
I'm under just a tad bit of stress I guess... This summer really totally and completely bites. My car broke down. I can't buy a new one. I'm stuck back at Burger World, the one place I hate more than any other place in the world. If there is a hell, it's that place. I can't seem to get away. Same old lonely feelings are back. Wanna call Chris, but don't have a reason to. Wanna visit Grace and Genivieve, but don't have a way to. Wanna shank some people, but don't have an aliby to. Eh, same old, I guess.
I stopped having those winning the lottery dreams. Thank god - they were so depressing - to wake up from anyway. Sometimes I have the distinct feeling that my entire life is just a dream. Like, I'm actually some rich and gorgeous guy just having a really long nightmare. No such luck, I think.
Bah, I hate feeling all icky and sad. It's just that I don't like the person I am right now. I don't like the way things are going. I don't like that being home like this makes me revert to the person I hated. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe it gives me an excuse to allow it to happen. I think that's what it is. I just need to buck up and deal. Course, I'm not sure how to deal with the work problem. Another 6 weeks to go and I feel like I'm about to go postal every time I walk in there. As soon as I walk in the door, before I even clock in, people are wanting something from me. Even when I'm home I can't seem to catch a break. It's all fine and dandy, I'm living in my parent's house for free - naturally I should help out and what not. It just seems like I don't have any time for me. At work, I'm the boss. The responsible guy who has to deal with the problems and the phone calls and the inspectors and the money and the discipline. At home I'm the moody, rarely seen 20 year old son home from college and soon to leave forever. But soon this summer will be over. Soon I'll get back to school. Soon I'll move on and everything I want will happen. I'll show myself. heh. Silver lining and all that. I just have to keep telling myself, that someday, someday soon, it'll all be worth it. All of this will be worth it in the end. It has to be.
So it's 2:30. I'm so tired I can't stand it. And what am I doing? Contemplating my inner self. That's me, I suppose. Heh. God I really need to learn how to just let life happen. I think I'll try it and see how it goes. They say good things come to those who wait. So I'll wait. I'll live and I'll wait. I'll dream. I'll write. I need to write. My entire being right now is calling out to me to put stuff down on paper - to flush it out of my system. To be creative. Writing for me is such an intimate thing. I love words and language. To create something out of nothing, it's beautiful to me. Even if no one else understands it or likes it. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's for me.
God I'm tired. Just so damn tired all the time.
...I appologized like four minutes later.
I'm under just a tad bit of stress I guess... This summer really totally and completely bites. My car broke down. I can't buy a new one. I'm stuck back at Burger World, the one place I hate more than any other place in the world. If there is a hell, it's that place. I can't seem to get away. Same old lonely feelings are back. Wanna call Chris, but don't have a reason to. Wanna visit Grace and Genivieve, but don't have a way to. Wanna shank some people, but don't have an aliby to. Eh, same old, I guess.
I stopped having those winning the lottery dreams. Thank god - they were so depressing - to wake up from anyway. Sometimes I have the distinct feeling that my entire life is just a dream. Like, I'm actually some rich and gorgeous guy just having a really long nightmare. No such luck, I think.
Bah, I hate feeling all icky and sad. It's just that I don't like the person I am right now. I don't like the way things are going. I don't like that being home like this makes me revert to the person I hated. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe it gives me an excuse to allow it to happen. I think that's what it is. I just need to buck up and deal. Course, I'm not sure how to deal with the work problem. Another 6 weeks to go and I feel like I'm about to go postal every time I walk in there. As soon as I walk in the door, before I even clock in, people are wanting something from me. Even when I'm home I can't seem to catch a break. It's all fine and dandy, I'm living in my parent's house for free - naturally I should help out and what not. It just seems like I don't have any time for me. At work, I'm the boss. The responsible guy who has to deal with the problems and the phone calls and the inspectors and the money and the discipline. At home I'm the moody, rarely seen 20 year old son home from college and soon to leave forever. But soon this summer will be over. Soon I'll get back to school. Soon I'll move on and everything I want will happen. I'll show myself. heh. Silver lining and all that. I just have to keep telling myself, that someday, someday soon, it'll all be worth it. All of this will be worth it in the end. It has to be.
So it's 2:30. I'm so tired I can't stand it. And what am I doing? Contemplating my inner self. That's me, I suppose. Heh. God I really need to learn how to just let life happen. I think I'll try it and see how it goes. They say good things come to those who wait. So I'll wait. I'll live and I'll wait. I'll dream. I'll write. I need to write. My entire being right now is calling out to me to put stuff down on paper - to flush it out of my system. To be creative. Writing for me is such an intimate thing. I love words and language. To create something out of nothing, it's beautiful to me. Even if no one else understands it or likes it. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's for me.
God I'm tired. Just so damn tired all the time.