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Wow. Bleh. Yeah, look at me, Mr. Vocabulary! See me amaze you with my mighty words of...wordiness?
Anyway. Last night, I started thinking about ex boyfriends. Well, actually the past couple of weeks I've been thinking about them off and on. It's wierd, you know? Out of all of them, it seems like Chris was the only real boyfriend. At least it sure feels like it. Last night I especially thought about Carlos. It's a long story, but to synopsize it, it didn't work out. He was heavy into drugs and 23. I couldn't handle the pressure of competing with the drugs (and the other stuff I don't really want to remember) and I was only 17 for chrissakes. But, I can remember plainly, probably more than anything else, the look on his face when I told him it wasn't going to work out. He literally looked shocked, then hurt, then sad, then angry, and then burst into tears. Looking back on it, I was kind of a dick about it. With him though, I suppose it was sort of okay, considering the circumstances. But that made me think of all the other ones I can remember. With Richie, I just ditched him and didn't answer my phone. And then tried to run him over (um...really not quite that dramatic...and circumstances there too-he was a teeny bit stalkerish). With John, I just pulled him aside and said that I wanted to date someone else, and didn't want to date more than one person at a time. With Matt, I actually wrote him a note and had someone else give it to him. There were others that I can't actually remember. So here's what I'm thinking:
Either A - I am an asshole and Karma has come around to bite me in the ass as it so often does. But if that's the case...well I just don't know. I think I'm a pretty nice guy. But maybe I'm better on my own without someone. That's a frightening thought
OR B - I date wierdo/asshole/freaky guys. This I'm betting the farm on. John was clingy. Darnell cheated with a *drag queen* in my van!. Carlos had serious problems. Richie was er...insane. Matt was just too young and naive.
Anyway, what the point is that I've come to. It's that I can see myself growing in my relationships. Hence the current fiasco. Chris was my first grown-up relationship. Interestingly, also the longest one. But here's the thing. Each and every relationship aside from Chris, I played coy and hard to get and did my shy thing. And those all turned out badly. We all know I've got a somewhat sort-of confidence problem. But with Chris, I was impulsive and took a chance. And I'd say that turned out rather well (er...except the part where he moved out of the state, but I digress).
So. Blah. Where was I going. Oh, right. I'm in a place right now. Kinda new. Like, I know that the minute I flip on the switch, I can get back out there and do that. I can put myself out there. Instead of moping around whining and being sad over being alone and blah blah blah. I can go out and actually *try* to meet people. But here's the thing - I don't think I want to! Well this is new.
So I've decided. Right now I'm cool alone. I got my own thing going on. However, I'm not shutting anything out anymore. I'm going to go with the proverbial flow. I'm going to go out to gay places when I want to and not even worry whether or not I'll meet someone. *But* if I do meet someone, I'm not going to right away dismiss them like I have been doing. I won't rush into anything, but I won't stop anything from happeneing. Hey, what a novel idea. Doi. *forehead smack* I think being home so long is making me crazy...er.
In other news, 7.5 hours of overtime. Hell yeah! But damn I'm tired. But it feels so good to be *tired*, not just worn out.
Oh, and also. My mommy bought a piano. So I'm teaching myself how to play. So far, I have two staffs of Ode to Joy and the first 5 notes of Amazing Grace. Be happy for me - I've never been musically inclined. Well, as far as instruments go. Anyway, I decided that by the end of the summer I want to be at least okay at a few songs. And then practice some more up at school somehow. I really love the feeling of creating that music. It's amazing.
Ooo ooo. *and* I was hit on quite a bit by the former Davenport Mayor's son. Heh. Yeah, I still got it. hehee!
Bed now. Crazy talk.
Forget this.
I mean it.
Anyway. Last night, I started thinking about ex boyfriends. Well, actually the past couple of weeks I've been thinking about them off and on. It's wierd, you know? Out of all of them, it seems like Chris was the only real boyfriend. At least it sure feels like it. Last night I especially thought about Carlos. It's a long story, but to synopsize it, it didn't work out. He was heavy into drugs and 23. I couldn't handle the pressure of competing with the drugs (and the other stuff I don't really want to remember) and I was only 17 for chrissakes. But, I can remember plainly, probably more than anything else, the look on his face when I told him it wasn't going to work out. He literally looked shocked, then hurt, then sad, then angry, and then burst into tears. Looking back on it, I was kind of a dick about it. With him though, I suppose it was sort of okay, considering the circumstances. But that made me think of all the other ones I can remember. With Richie, I just ditched him and didn't answer my phone. And then tried to run him over (um...really not quite that dramatic...and circumstances there too-he was a teeny bit stalkerish). With John, I just pulled him aside and said that I wanted to date someone else, and didn't want to date more than one person at a time. With Matt, I actually wrote him a note and had someone else give it to him. There were others that I can't actually remember. So here's what I'm thinking:
Either A - I am an asshole and Karma has come around to bite me in the ass as it so often does. But if that's the case...well I just don't know. I think I'm a pretty nice guy. But maybe I'm better on my own without someone. That's a frightening thought
OR B - I date wierdo/asshole/freaky guys. This I'm betting the farm on. John was clingy. Darnell cheated with a *drag queen* in my van!. Carlos had serious problems. Richie was er...insane. Matt was just too young and naive.
Anyway, what the point is that I've come to. It's that I can see myself growing in my relationships. Hence the current fiasco. Chris was my first grown-up relationship. Interestingly, also the longest one. But here's the thing. Each and every relationship aside from Chris, I played coy and hard to get and did my shy thing. And those all turned out badly. We all know I've got a somewhat sort-of confidence problem. But with Chris, I was impulsive and took a chance. And I'd say that turned out rather well (er...except the part where he moved out of the state, but I digress).
So. Blah. Where was I going. Oh, right. I'm in a place right now. Kinda new. Like, I know that the minute I flip on the switch, I can get back out there and do that. I can put myself out there. Instead of moping around whining and being sad over being alone and blah blah blah. I can go out and actually *try* to meet people. But here's the thing - I don't think I want to! Well this is new.
So I've decided. Right now I'm cool alone. I got my own thing going on. However, I'm not shutting anything out anymore. I'm going to go with the proverbial flow. I'm going to go out to gay places when I want to and not even worry whether or not I'll meet someone. *But* if I do meet someone, I'm not going to right away dismiss them like I have been doing. I won't rush into anything, but I won't stop anything from happeneing. Hey, what a novel idea. Doi. *forehead smack* I think being home so long is making me crazy...er.
In other news, 7.5 hours of overtime. Hell yeah! But damn I'm tired. But it feels so good to be *tired*, not just worn out.
Oh, and also. My mommy bought a piano. So I'm teaching myself how to play. So far, I have two staffs of Ode to Joy and the first 5 notes of Amazing Grace. Be happy for me - I've never been musically inclined. Well, as far as instruments go. Anyway, I decided that by the end of the summer I want to be at least okay at a few songs. And then practice some more up at school somehow. I really love the feeling of creating that music. It's amazing.
Ooo ooo. *and* I was hit on quite a bit by the former Davenport Mayor's son. Heh. Yeah, I still got it. hehee!
Bed now. Crazy talk.
Forget this.
I mean it.
