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Yeah. I'm back to China. But not the way I was the other night. Anyway, I'm not dead. I just disappeared for a time. I am so drained. Emotionally more than anything. I don't think I can feel anything right now other than tired. Is that even an emotion? Well if it isn't it should be becasue that's how I'm feeling. I've experienced every single emotion this weekend to the extreme. Extremely happy. Hurt. Sad, let down, dissapointed, forgiving, understanding, well you get the idea.
Thanks to all those that sent some well wishes and enquiries. I love you guys.
Chris. I did love him. I know that now. We broke up. I thought that was it. I knew it would hurt a while, and after a couple of months, I put it in the back of my mind. But every once in a while, the pain would resurface and make me miserable. But over the past month especially as I'm trying to move into happiness, it finally started to dissipate and I could remember him and our relationship without being sad or melancholly. Everything was going great and I finally felt purely and totally happy for the first time in a long time. The kind of happy which makes you blind to everything else. And then I got smacked down by finding out that Chris was not only here, but that from my point of view at least, he didn't want to see me. That situation was taken care of, and me and Him and Jen and Tex went to dinner Saturday night. What struck me when I first saw him was that all the anger I had for him about not first thinking of me (which I suppose was kind of presumptuous) dissappeared. I not only felt a lack of anger. I felt nothing. I was happy to see him, sure. And I felt warmth towards him. But all of the emotions I thought I would have were absent. I didn't at all feel awkward. I didn't feel resentment or dissapointment. We talked about past times and I enjoyed it. At the end of the night, we said good-bye like friends do.
Now I have closure. I think that's why I needed to see him so bad was to get that. You can't get closure when you can't see or speak with someone. It doesn't work. Now I have a sense of resolvement. I have a sense of myself as a person more than before. I have a feeling of detachment from him. I feel like I can start to work on my life and date and everything without feeling a little stab of pain.
However, it is a little sad because I know that this was the last time I'll see him and talk to him. He was over me a while ago, I suspect, so he didn't need to see me. But I needed that. And now I have it. I honestly think that though we are on terms of friendship, and we consider each other friends, we don't want contact with each other. What we had is over. What we gave each other we have taken and gone our seperate ways. We're on different paths. We walked the same for a time, but now it has parted. And so have we. However, I don't feel anguish or dissapointedness in this. I feel right. I feel this is the way we should be. I feel like I am heading the right direction now.
Thanks to all those that sent some well wishes and enquiries. I love you guys.
Chris. I did love him. I know that now. We broke up. I thought that was it. I knew it would hurt a while, and after a couple of months, I put it in the back of my mind. But every once in a while, the pain would resurface and make me miserable. But over the past month especially as I'm trying to move into happiness, it finally started to dissipate and I could remember him and our relationship without being sad or melancholly. Everything was going great and I finally felt purely and totally happy for the first time in a long time. The kind of happy which makes you blind to everything else. And then I got smacked down by finding out that Chris was not only here, but that from my point of view at least, he didn't want to see me. That situation was taken care of, and me and Him and Jen and Tex went to dinner Saturday night. What struck me when I first saw him was that all the anger I had for him about not first thinking of me (which I suppose was kind of presumptuous) dissappeared. I not only felt a lack of anger. I felt nothing. I was happy to see him, sure. And I felt warmth towards him. But all of the emotions I thought I would have were absent. I didn't at all feel awkward. I didn't feel resentment or dissapointment. We talked about past times and I enjoyed it. At the end of the night, we said good-bye like friends do.
Now I have closure. I think that's why I needed to see him so bad was to get that. You can't get closure when you can't see or speak with someone. It doesn't work. Now I have a sense of resolvement. I have a sense of myself as a person more than before. I have a feeling of detachment from him. I feel like I can start to work on my life and date and everything without feeling a little stab of pain.
However, it is a little sad because I know that this was the last time I'll see him and talk to him. He was over me a while ago, I suspect, so he didn't need to see me. But I needed that. And now I have it. I honestly think that though we are on terms of friendship, and we consider each other friends, we don't want contact with each other. What we had is over. What we gave each other we have taken and gone our seperate ways. We're on different paths. We walked the same for a time, but now it has parted. And so have we. However, I don't feel anguish or dissapointedness in this. I feel right. I feel this is the way we should be. I feel like I am heading the right direction now.
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