i can feel the distance getting close

[synapticjava]

Um. So some of you know that I tend to find a song I like and listen to it repeatedly until either the CD dies or I find a new song. I've now been listening to this song, on repeat since I discovered it at 7:30 tonight. It is now 1:30. That means I've listened to it roughly 74 times, non-stop, back to back. It's just perfect for how I feel right now. So, I cooled off right after my last post. I'm not mad anymore. Well, I am mad, but more than that, I am hurt. I feel so betrayed. It's not just that no one told me that Chris was here, it's the understanding that the situation brings that makes me feel like I've been beaten to a pulp.

Now, you're going to have to follow my logic here.

See, this is the second time that this has happened. The last time was before he moved to Florida. It didn't upset me as much, because we were still so freshly broken up. But it has been 10 months since we broke up, which means we've been apart longer than we were together. Anyway, this time stirs up a lot of thoughts. I don't believe that Chris would intentionally not see me. So what that means, is that he doesn't care enough to even think about me. What this means is that our whole relationship didn't mean anything to him. Certainly not as much as it did to me. This is a man that I fell in love with. This is a man I have mourned and grieved over. I knew that he probably didn't love me. Or rather, I thought that he did love me but he was too afraid to admit it. But now I feel like the whole thing was a big joke, and that he didn't know how to tell me he didn't want to be with me. I feel like he doesn't and didn't care about me. And it hurts too bad to even be able to describe it properly. It's almost like someone ripped out everything in my chest, filled it with acid and sewed it back into me. That times a trillion and it might be close to how I feel right now. I trusted him so much. I loved him. But I can't even have faith that he even cared about me. I've been so happy lately, I should have known the rug would be pulled out sometime soon. I never would have forseen this though. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world. I feel so lost and so empty and so unloved right now I just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep and never wake up. But it was true what I quoted to Sarah: "I would rather suffer a thousand heartbreaks than miss one single gaze on love's bright grace". I know this will pass. I know I'll be okay. But I want to be done with this now. I want to not feel anything for Chris. I want to not hurt anymore. Please god, will this never end? Is this my hell?

Comments

[wildflowerfever.livejournal.com]

Relationships... relationships are so fucking weird. How somebody can literally mean the world to you one day, and then be the person you cannot even say hello to the next. It terrifies me how temporal human relationships are. But then there's that feeling that people never really leave you. They change you, and there are always pieces of them within you because of it. I don't know if that's for the best, but it makes me feel better sometimes. That nothing was as fleeting as it seemed. That these relationships had meaning simply because they gave us experiance and changed us in some way.

And I agree... I wouldn't miss them for the world. I suppose the price that we pay is the aftermath, right? Something so incredable cannot come without a price.

I don't know... I hope you're feeling better this morning. I hope these feelings go away soon. I remember you telling me that it never gets easier, that my relationship with Amanda will never feel resolved. But it has been getting easier... and I feel slightly more resolved. I think over time it'll all be okay. These'll be the relationships we look on with nostalgia when we're older, and truely committed to people. Would we actually want to erase them from our conciousness?

Sorry for the rambling. I hope it (kinda) made sense.