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Wow am I in a creative mood tonight. I have this urge to write and draw and edit images and all kinds of wierd stuff. I just have so many things going through my head. Oh, for those that are interested (and I know you're just on the edge of your seat), Brandon didn't come over tonight because he has a test tomorrow morning he forgot about. Maybe this weekend or something. *shrugs* Probly best because I'm not in such a hot mood (nah, not like depressing wah wah wah I want to die kind of mood). It's just that lately I've been questioning the reality and meaning of friendship, or relationships in general. They're so trivial. Why do we put ourselves through them? I don't know, as you probly know if you read, I'm trying to move my life to a better more positive place, and to do that I'm trying to weed out all of the things that I don't need or things that are holding me back. And I'm finding out there are a lot of things in my life that are just dead weight. A lot of people too.
It's really wierd. Like, just an example, I know that Grace loves me and that she is my friend. Sometimes I feel as if she's the only person in the world that I can trust and who knows the real me. But sometimes I feel that she is very critical. No, not critical because Grace isn't really that judgemental a person. But I feel as if she holds expectations of me that are difficult to meet. And, in examing my life, I find that all my relationships are somehow true in this. It sometimes feels as if everyone in my life is trying to get something or take something from me. And I don't like that feeling. I don't feel as if most of my friends even care about my thoughts and feelings. That really hurts.
I'm going to gamble with the off chance that she will not see this, but whether or not, I need to talk about
See, I have this friend. We'll call her Selene. The thing is, we've essentially grown up together. She's only a few years older than I. However, she's always kind of been a big sister, in a way. In other ways though, she's been a little sister. Either way, it's kind of the way we've been. I love her and I adore her family, as they have become my family as well. I can't imagine not having them in my life in some way. However, as I'm finding, being old friends does not nessesarily mean being close friends. It's kind of come into the light that she sees me not as who I am now and who I am trying to become, but who I once was. To her, it's as if I'm wearing a mask of my former self that she cannot see through. I guess we've kind of drifted apart over the years. Yet we still remain friends, possibly because as a mutual friend observed, sometimes old friends remain friends only because they have their pasts in common and because they are their link to the past. Iregardless, this is how it is. Selene is a very critical person (please note I'm not trying to be offensive, or cast stones or what not, but this is how I perceive it) who is very set in her beliefs and ideals. Because of this criticism I think is the reason we drifted apart. I've become hesitant to share anything deeper than surface level with her because I'm afraid she won't understand or will judge me because of it. I feel as if I cannot be my self around her because all she sees is that damn mask. Anytime I make a slip of the tounge or mispronounce a word or misunderstand or make any mistake, she is instantly the first one to call me on it. I don't believe she does this intentionally, but that it is a personality trait. However it is something has caused a great deal of anguish for me. I feel as if I cannot say no to her. I feel as if I'm constantly under the spotlight or magnifying glass when around her. I feel as if I am constantly being judged or the things I'm doing wrong orconstantly being checked off mentally for her. It is a very frustrating situation because I really really want to say hey, stop already! But I'm actually afraid to. You shouldn't be afraid of your friends, should you? And it's been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel as if she's held me back from so much, not by trying to, but because of my perception of negative reaction from her. I just wish I could get out from under it and still not offend her and not lose her as a friend. I wish that I knew I could talk to her about this, but I cannot. It's just so complicated, but so simple.
See, it's things like this that keep pulling me down. I need to be able to grow on my own without worrying about what people think. I need to have room to expand myself and be the person that I am and who I want to be. I need to become myself without feeling as if I am dissapointing someone or making a mistake. I need my freedom from feelings of entrapment. And I don't know how to get that.
It's really wierd. Like, just an example, I know that Grace loves me and that she is my friend. Sometimes I feel as if she's the only person in the world that I can trust and who knows the real me. But sometimes I feel that she is very critical. No, not critical because Grace isn't really that judgemental a person. But I feel as if she holds expectations of me that are difficult to meet. And, in examing my life, I find that all my relationships are somehow true in this. It sometimes feels as if everyone in my life is trying to get something or take something from me. And I don't like that feeling. I don't feel as if most of my friends even care about my thoughts and feelings. That really hurts.
I'm going to gamble with the off chance that she will not see this, but whether or not, I need to talk about
See, I have this friend. We'll call her Selene. The thing is, we've essentially grown up together. She's only a few years older than I. However, she's always kind of been a big sister, in a way. In other ways though, she's been a little sister. Either way, it's kind of the way we've been. I love her and I adore her family, as they have become my family as well. I can't imagine not having them in my life in some way. However, as I'm finding, being old friends does not nessesarily mean being close friends. It's kind of come into the light that she sees me not as who I am now and who I am trying to become, but who I once was. To her, it's as if I'm wearing a mask of my former self that she cannot see through. I guess we've kind of drifted apart over the years. Yet we still remain friends, possibly because as a mutual friend observed, sometimes old friends remain friends only because they have their pasts in common and because they are their link to the past. Iregardless, this is how it is. Selene is a very critical person (please note I'm not trying to be offensive, or cast stones or what not, but this is how I perceive it) who is very set in her beliefs and ideals. Because of this criticism I think is the reason we drifted apart. I've become hesitant to share anything deeper than surface level with her because I'm afraid she won't understand or will judge me because of it. I feel as if I cannot be my self around her because all she sees is that damn mask. Anytime I make a slip of the tounge or mispronounce a word or misunderstand or make any mistake, she is instantly the first one to call me on it. I don't believe she does this intentionally, but that it is a personality trait. However it is something has caused a great deal of anguish for me. I feel as if I cannot say no to her. I feel as if I'm constantly under the spotlight or magnifying glass when around her. I feel as if I am constantly being judged or the things I'm doing wrong orconstantly being checked off mentally for her. It is a very frustrating situation because I really really want to say hey, stop already! But I'm actually afraid to. You shouldn't be afraid of your friends, should you? And it's been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel as if she's held me back from so much, not by trying to, but because of my perception of negative reaction from her. I just wish I could get out from under it and still not offend her and not lose her as a friend. I wish that I knew I could talk to her about this, but I cannot. It's just so complicated, but so simple.
See, it's things like this that keep pulling me down. I need to be able to grow on my own without worrying about what people think. I need to have room to expand myself and be the person that I am and who I want to be. I need to become myself without feeling as if I am dissapointing someone or making a mistake. I need my freedom from feelings of entrapment. And I don't know how to get that.
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Heh.
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Thanks