synapticjava (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
synapticjava) wrote2006-07-09 02:23 pm
synapticjava) wrote2006-07-09 02:23 pm
Full Report
Only, not really, because I'm giving the condensed version.
Firstly, thank you so much to the person who gave me my good luck charm:) *hugs* And thanks to everyone else who has called, emailed, commented, and sent cards. I really appreciate it.
I'm not going to lie, the past few weeks have not been especially easy for me. In fact, it's been extremely difficult. Mostly because:
The shortest version is that I've been a) really lonely and down on myself - couldn't stand looking at my reflection, didn't feel like I could talk to anyone; in short, depressed.
This was a result mostly due to b)the bar. For a large number of reasons, I feared for my job; mostly because for reasons I can't imagine or explain, my drawers were constantly coming up short, and I was making more tips than usual. The suggestion: I'm stealing money. There was a big fight, with me and Fernando, Arben, and Luther (each individually). It turned out that they found the money (it was still my fault for misplacing it, but that's better than stealing it). Boil it all down: I've severed ties. I still have my job, but they are not my friends anymore. It was just too complicating, having to deal with it inside of work and outside of work. I'm not going in on my nights off anymore, and I'm looking at it in a way that any person looks at a job they semi-like/dislike: I'll go in, work my shift, and go home. It's just so much simpler that way.
This weekend has been really good for me. I've been off since Friday, and again, I feel like I can breathe. Friday I went and spent the day at the gay beach with Phillip, where we checked out guys and were checked out all afternoon. Then we did dinner at Potbelly's, and went to see a musical comedy (Big Bang, playing at the Chicago Theatre) - which was outstanding and hilarious. We met up with Dan (our friend who was in the show) at The Palm, and swapped shit over martinis, and then me and Phillip came back to the north side and went out.
Yesterday I met Phillip at the beach, tanned for a couple of hours, and came back to the neighborhood. On my way home, it struck me that I've always wanted to rollerblade, and have never tried, though I've been talking about it lately. So I stopped by Sport Authority and picked up a pair, stopped at blockbuster and rented a few movies, and came home. Watched a couple of movies, ordered Chinese delivery. About 9:00 last night, I strapped on the rollerblades and went outside and taught myself how to do it, all on my own. I went over to the parking lot for the school next door and did circles, practicing how to speed up, slow down, stop. I only fell once. By 10:00 I was feeling so confident, I went over the Belmont Harbor and bladed around the whole park and harbor, all total about 3 miles. It was really fun, and I hope it doesn't thunderstorm later so I can go back out. It's been years since I've had a bike or anything to do that with, and it was really cool being out there and seeing the lights of the city.
It's something incredibly stupid and simple, that millions of people do everyday, but for me it's kind of a big thing. I taught myself how to do something new, all on my own. I didn't wait for someone to show me how, or "approve" or tell me that I "should" do it. I didn't think how "stupid" I would look just learning to do it at 22. I just did it. It's oddly liberating.
So here I am, back to (hopefully) normal. I've just really got to learn to let shit slide off and not take things so personally and so dramatically. And remember that I can do things I want to, despite what other people think/say.
Firstly, thank you so much to the person who gave me my good luck charm:) *hugs* And thanks to everyone else who has called, emailed, commented, and sent cards. I really appreciate it.
I'm not going to lie, the past few weeks have not been especially easy for me. In fact, it's been extremely difficult. Mostly because:
The shortest version is that I've been a) really lonely and down on myself - couldn't stand looking at my reflection, didn't feel like I could talk to anyone; in short, depressed.
This was a result mostly due to b)the bar. For a large number of reasons, I feared for my job; mostly because for reasons I can't imagine or explain, my drawers were constantly coming up short, and I was making more tips than usual. The suggestion: I'm stealing money. There was a big fight, with me and Fernando, Arben, and Luther (each individually). It turned out that they found the money (it was still my fault for misplacing it, but that's better than stealing it). Boil it all down: I've severed ties. I still have my job, but they are not my friends anymore. It was just too complicating, having to deal with it inside of work and outside of work. I'm not going in on my nights off anymore, and I'm looking at it in a way that any person looks at a job they semi-like/dislike: I'll go in, work my shift, and go home. It's just so much simpler that way.
This weekend has been really good for me. I've been off since Friday, and again, I feel like I can breathe. Friday I went and spent the day at the gay beach with Phillip, where we checked out guys and were checked out all afternoon. Then we did dinner at Potbelly's, and went to see a musical comedy (Big Bang, playing at the Chicago Theatre) - which was outstanding and hilarious. We met up with Dan (our friend who was in the show) at The Palm, and swapped shit over martinis, and then me and Phillip came back to the north side and went out.
Yesterday I met Phillip at the beach, tanned for a couple of hours, and came back to the neighborhood. On my way home, it struck me that I've always wanted to rollerblade, and have never tried, though I've been talking about it lately. So I stopped by Sport Authority and picked up a pair, stopped at blockbuster and rented a few movies, and came home. Watched a couple of movies, ordered Chinese delivery. About 9:00 last night, I strapped on the rollerblades and went outside and taught myself how to do it, all on my own. I went over to the parking lot for the school next door and did circles, practicing how to speed up, slow down, stop. I only fell once. By 10:00 I was feeling so confident, I went over the Belmont Harbor and bladed around the whole park and harbor, all total about 3 miles. It was really fun, and I hope it doesn't thunderstorm later so I can go back out. It's been years since I've had a bike or anything to do that with, and it was really cool being out there and seeing the lights of the city.
It's something incredibly stupid and simple, that millions of people do everyday, but for me it's kind of a big thing. I taught myself how to do something new, all on my own. I didn't wait for someone to show me how, or "approve" or tell me that I "should" do it. I didn't think how "stupid" I would look just learning to do it at 22. I just did it. It's oddly liberating.
So here I am, back to (hopefully) normal. I've just really got to learn to let shit slide off and not take things so personally and so dramatically. And remember that I can do things I want to, despite what other people think/say.
no subject
Freedom is something we should know about, should have, should feel every day, but you really don't know freedom until that moment when you realize it's just you and the world, and there's no winning or losing. Just you and how you look at life, and if you're happy, the better. I'm so glad you got that sweetie. *hugs*
Much love,
~Nebula
no subject
You've been having so many ups and downs - i hope your 'normal' stays with you - you *are* just 22 - you should be happy!
Young, gay, and free of school - what's not to love! Heh.
And congratulations on the roller-blading thing, that's neat! Go you! Soon you'll have thighs and buns of *steel*!!
*snerk*
I would fall and fall and fall - i can roller skate but i'm just not uber-coordinated and something like a sidewalk or parking lot, all uneven and such, well - Road Rash city.
Are they a cool color? All flashy? I have no idea what kind of neat rollerblades you can buy.
Stay calm, breathe, and yes, seperate your work from your personal stuff. So much better that way.
*hugs*
Enjoy the rest of summer!