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*ahem* Remember me? I kinda sorta used to write some stuff, but then my internet got taken away:( But now I'm back. And with a new fic! Please please please be big with FB - I haven't written much in a very very long time.
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 1/?
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chocgood84
Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Because I’m lame and can’t find a way to fit my stories into canon at all, this piece is sometime post-chipping but pre-Dawning. Also, a huge spanking thanks tokitty_poker1 for betaing this for me:)
Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: None for now, other than it’s a little slow on the ship front for now. Gotta build up that anticipation, don’t I?
“Look, I don’t like Count Clorox any more than you do, Buff,” Xander noted, and not for the first time since a specific vampire, whose phosphorescent hair and pissier-than-usual attitude was more than enough compensation for his recent lack [‘]o' fangs, had entered the ranks of the, technically-speaking, ‘white hats.’ “It’s just, you don’t even know what you’re up against. And you won’t let us go with you, which, by the way, I’m still arguing against. You should at least have some sort of back-up go-to guy.”
Buffy breathed a heavy sigh and brushed the fallen lock of hair out of her eyes. Apparently the retail therapy the slayer had engaged in earlier hadn’t been, well, therapeutic.
“Just what I needed to turn my oh-so-boring night of whack-the-demon and boyfriend-missing into a rip-roaring good time with fun had by all,” Buffy pouted, adding under her breath, “except me.”
“I’m afraid that Xander has a point, Buffy,” Giles admitted, peering over the rim of a freshly poured cup of tea.
“I do? Way to go, Xan-man!” Xander exclaimed, doing a sitting version of the ‘snoopy dance.’ Taking note of the Watcher’s disdain, the dance devolved into an arm stretch followed by a cough that sounded ominously like a giggle. A man-giggle of course, but a giggle nonetheless.
“As I was saying,” Giles continued, rolling his eyes in Xander’s direction, “I think that we would all feel much better if there was someone there with you. Even if it is Spike.”
“Oh, and also!” Willow chimed in, ever the buzzing little hive of java bees on happy pills. “Maybe he can help you with your World War II Europe paper. You know…'cause he was there and all,” she tapered off.
“Oh goodie! Patrolling with Spike and homework!” Buffy squealed with more sarcasm than Daria on a bad day. “Really, Will, you and I are going to have to seriously talk about this homework fetish you’ve got going on. You’re keeping me up at night with it, all that highlighting and page turning.”
Willow exploded with laughter at the joke, which Xander wasn’t sure was all that funny. When Buffy followed suit, and Giles remained stiff as always, Xander just assumed it was another little college type roommate sort of joke that he wasn’t allowed to be let in on. And honestly, why hadn’t he gotten used to it yet?
“Anyway,” Xander interjected, “I’d feel a lot better if I knew that someone, even Spike, had your back.”
“I think we would all feel much better,” Giles confirmed.
“Besides, it can’t hurt anything,” added Willow.
“Fine, fine, alright. I’ll go find Sir Annoyance before I head out,” mumbled the very pouty slayer.
“Right, then,” Giles concluded. “I suggest the rest of us try to get some rest. I believe we can expect a heavy research evening tomorrow, pending Buffy’s patrols tonight.”
“I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘ugh,’” Xander complained as he stood up from the table.
“I second his ‘ugh!’” Buffy exclaimed, checking her pockets for the appropriate weaponry.
“Giles, you want some help closing up the shop?” Willow offered, trying to stifle a yawn
“No, that’s quite alright,” he replied, tapping a few buttons on the cash register. He was rewarded with the satisfying kerching as the drawer popped open. Cup of tea in one hand, cash drawer and a notebook in the other, he headed towards the office. “I need to go over some inventory, anyway. I’ll be a bit long…er.“ He was cut off by the sound of the door bell and turned to find himself alone in a finally Scooby-less Magic Box. “Oh, thank the bloody Lord.”
“So, where was Anya tonight?” Willow asked, taking Xander’s hand and resting her head on his shoulder as they made their way home. Xander usually walked Willow and Buffy back to the dorms on his way home when he could. Didn’t seem like they spent much time together anymore.
“Well, I don’t want to ruin any birthday surprises, but a certain ex-vengeance demon discovered E-Bay a couple of days ago,” Xander explained with a mental eye-roll. “I think the exact phrase was…let me see if I can remember…Oh yeah, ‘Internet exchanges where one can purchase goods and sell them without ever having to leave one’s home; I can be more productive and have my time be more meaningful at home than spending time with you after hours at the Magic Box. I’ll call you next week when I need happy orgasms’ end quote.”
“Ouch,” Buffy whistled. “Turned down for an internet yard sale. And I thought I had it bad because my boyfriend’s on a special assignment and can’t contact me for at least a week.”
“Wow, thanks, Buffy. Do me a favor next time and take off the stilettos before you step on my beating heart,” Xander replied bitterly.
“Awww, poor Xander,” Willow mothered. “You know Anya, she’ll get tired of it in a few days and come running back to you and forget all about stupid old money and goods…and…uh, I’m not helping, am I?”
“Not so much,” he admitted with a sigh.
“It’s just that…wait, what’s funny?” he asked Buffy, who had started quietly giggling.
“What?” she asked. “Oh, nothing, sorry. I was just thinking about what Dr. Kessell said the other day in Commerce class about E-Bay.”
“Oh!” Willow shouted, her head bouncing off Xander’s shoulder and her hands shooting into the air. “About the destruction of the economy and how eventually even politicians will be able to be bribed on it?”
And suddenly both girls were laughing hysterically again and talking in fast and high-pitched voices
Another college-only joke, Xander figured.
They walked the rest of the way with Buffy and Willow babbling about the ‘funniness’ and the ‘dreaminess’ that was Dr. Kessell while Xander played Mental Naked Charades and silently laughed at his own jokes.
A while later, they arrived at the UCSD maze of class buildings and residence halls. The three stopped in front of the girls’ hall.
“Call me tomorrow,” Willow told Xander. “Maybe we can grab some coffee before hitting the books tomorrow night.”
“Okay, Wills,” he replied softly. “Sleep tight.”
“I’ll be by in a bit to collect Deadbeat,” Buffy said. “I need to go change and see if Riley’s called yet.”
“No problemo. I’ll have him wait at the curb for you,” he joked. Well, mostly joked. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll write my address on a piece of paper and pin it to his shirt in case he gets lost.”
“Thank ya muchly, kind sir,” Buffy called, already halfway through the door with Willow.
“Good night to you too,” Xander muttered under his breath, turning back towards home, or rather, what passed for home these days.
*****
It turned out to be a good night for walking alone. The moonless sky looked like someone had blown glitter across a blanket of dark felt. Every star seemed a little brighter, a little bigger tonight. The air was cool, almost cold for this time of year. Only now, a few days into September, the few trees that still knew seasons had already started their annual color-changing extravaganza. Autumn was coming fast this year; Xander hoped that winter wouldn’t follow suit. He didn’t want to face another green winter. Something about seeing green grass and palm trees ablaze in sunshine in the ‘cold winter months’ depressed him. Something about it made life seem…fake, somehow. But for the moment, winter was still a long time away.
For once, it seemed like Sunnydale was a normal town. Aside from the latest creature feature, things had been pretty quiet lately. Xander wasn’t completely sure how he felt about that – without any action, he didn’t even have that connection to his friends anymore. More and more, he had been finding himself wondering why they still talked, why they still pretended that everything was the way it had been. Because it wasn’t the same, not really.
He hated feeling this way, and hated himself for letting him feel it. Regardless of everything, they were still his friends. They were more than friends. They were family – not that he would really know anything about such things. He shuddered, thinking about his ‘real’ family. He’d decided a long time ago that family was a feeling and had nothing to do with who you lived with or who had accidentally given birth to you. But even still, he couldn’t help but feel a little…robbed, somehow. He had crap for parents, hell for a home, vengeance for a girlfriend and death for a roommate.
That was another thing he’d been thinking about a lot, lately. He didn’t know where things with Anya were going. Things there weren’t quite right, either. There was something there that seemed like it was missing. When they kissed, that thing wasn’t there anymore. That thing that at first had made him never want to stop kissing her. He wasn’t sure where it had gone; didn’t know if it would ever come back. When they slept together lately, that’s all it was: two people wanting something from each other. That insatiability wasn’t there anymore. It was still nice, to be with her. It just wasn’t the same. Anya must have felt the same thing; lately they’d been spending more and more time apart. She wanted to discover what being human meant. He sometimes wanted to forget what it meant.
Without really realizing it, he found himself standing in front of his house. Correction: he found himself standing in front of his parents' house. Through the broken mini-blinds in the living room windows, blue light flickered, casting slight shadows around the unkempt lawn. The weeds in the flowerbed seemed to jump and fall and the too-long grass appeared to wave in a nonexistent wind. No other light in the house was on, and Xander decided his father had fallen asleep in front of the TV again.
As though he had X-Ray vision, Xander imagined the scene inside: his father, passed out in the chair with his chin resting on his chest, still dressed in his work clothes with his baseball cap hanging on the chair’s arm. On the table beside him would be six empty crushed cans of cheap beer and a half-empty bottle of even cheaper vodka. On the floor in front of the table would be the remains of Mom’s latest attempts at cooking a real meal. With one hand stuffed in the crotch of his pants and the other resting on the remote, Mr. Harris didn’t need a bed to sleep in anymore.
At the other end of the house, Xander’s mom would be in their bed, curlers half-assed pressed into her almost clean hair and still wearing that hideous pink bathrobe. One slipper on the floor, the other dangling from an outstretched foot. On the nightstand, an ashtray overflowing with cigarettes that had been smoked down to the filter, and a wine glass, empty, which matched the two empty bottles beside it. The green eyes of the alarm clock would cast a hazy light through the ever present smoke, making the room the perfect setting for a nightmare. Sometime in the night, she would wake up and stumble her way into the living room and, cursing under her breath, turn off the television, make a pot of coffee and fall asleep at the kitchen table, waiting for it to brew.
Xander knew these scenes better than any movie, knew the lines they spoke better than any song lyric. He tried not to remember the times before this, when things hadn’t been this bad. Those memories used to comfort him on the nights he couldn’t sleep. But now they were the thoughts keeping him awake.
Xander sighed and dropped his gaze to his feet. Wanting nothing more than to turn and run the other way, he walked slowly, silently, to the back of the house and made his way down the stairs to the basement he’d come to know and hate as home. He took deep, cleansing breath to gather the strength he’d need to deal with Spike and opened the door to find…a vamp-free basement. The chipped and scarred lamp next to the bed was lit, shedding a rusty glow through the cluttered but body-free space. No one was here, unless they were hiding under the bed, which was possible in Sunnydale; Xander just didn’t care to check.
“Looks like Mr. Chip-the-Dip went out all by his lonesome tonight. Whatever will I do with myself? he questioned melodramatically as he pulled his shirt over his head. Slipping one shoe off and then the other, he dropped his pants and shook them off from around his ankles as he fell into bed. For a brief moment before sleep overtook him, he wondered if he would hear Buffy when she came to get Spike.
Title: Learn to be Lonely Chapter 1/?
Author:
chocgood84Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing: BtVS Spike/Xander
Author’s Note: Because I’m lame and can’t find a way to fit my stories into canon at all, this piece is sometime post-chipping but pre-Dawning. Also, a huge spanking thanks to
kitty_poker1 for betaing this for me:)Disclaimer: These character’s aren’t mine, never were; I don’t get any profit for this hobby, so don’t sue – Thanks.
Warning: None for now, other than it’s a little slow on the ship front for now. Gotta build up that anticipation, don’t I?
“Look, I don’t like Count Clorox any more than you do, Buff,” Xander noted, and not for the first time since a specific vampire, whose phosphorescent hair and pissier-than-usual attitude was more than enough compensation for his recent lack [‘]o' fangs, had entered the ranks of the, technically-speaking, ‘white hats.’ “It’s just, you don’t even know what you’re up against. And you won’t let us go with you, which, by the way, I’m still arguing against. You should at least have some sort of back-up go-to guy.”
Buffy breathed a heavy sigh and brushed the fallen lock of hair out of her eyes. Apparently the retail therapy the slayer had engaged in earlier hadn’t been, well, therapeutic.
“Just what I needed to turn my oh-so-boring night of whack-the-demon and boyfriend-missing into a rip-roaring good time with fun had by all,” Buffy pouted, adding under her breath, “except me.”
“I’m afraid that Xander has a point, Buffy,” Giles admitted, peering over the rim of a freshly poured cup of tea.
“I do? Way to go, Xan-man!” Xander exclaimed, doing a sitting version of the ‘snoopy dance.’ Taking note of the Watcher’s disdain, the dance devolved into an arm stretch followed by a cough that sounded ominously like a giggle. A man-giggle of course, but a giggle nonetheless.
“As I was saying,” Giles continued, rolling his eyes in Xander’s direction, “I think that we would all feel much better if there was someone there with you. Even if it is Spike.”
“Oh, and also!” Willow chimed in, ever the buzzing little hive of java bees on happy pills. “Maybe he can help you with your World War II Europe paper. You know…'cause he was there and all,” she tapered off.
“Oh goodie! Patrolling with Spike and homework!” Buffy squealed with more sarcasm than Daria on a bad day. “Really, Will, you and I are going to have to seriously talk about this homework fetish you’ve got going on. You’re keeping me up at night with it, all that highlighting and page turning.”
Willow exploded with laughter at the joke, which Xander wasn’t sure was all that funny. When Buffy followed suit, and Giles remained stiff as always, Xander just assumed it was another little college type roommate sort of joke that he wasn’t allowed to be let in on. And honestly, why hadn’t he gotten used to it yet?
“Anyway,” Xander interjected, “I’d feel a lot better if I knew that someone, even Spike, had your back.”
“I think we would all feel much better,” Giles confirmed.
“Besides, it can’t hurt anything,” added Willow.
“Fine, fine, alright. I’ll go find Sir Annoyance before I head out,” mumbled the very pouty slayer.
“Right, then,” Giles concluded. “I suggest the rest of us try to get some rest. I believe we can expect a heavy research evening tomorrow, pending Buffy’s patrols tonight.”
“I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘ugh,’” Xander complained as he stood up from the table.
“I second his ‘ugh!’” Buffy exclaimed, checking her pockets for the appropriate weaponry.
“Giles, you want some help closing up the shop?” Willow offered, trying to stifle a yawn
“No, that’s quite alright,” he replied, tapping a few buttons on the cash register. He was rewarded with the satisfying kerching as the drawer popped open. Cup of tea in one hand, cash drawer and a notebook in the other, he headed towards the office. “I need to go over some inventory, anyway. I’ll be a bit long…er.“ He was cut off by the sound of the door bell and turned to find himself alone in a finally Scooby-less Magic Box. “Oh, thank the bloody Lord.”
“So, where was Anya tonight?” Willow asked, taking Xander’s hand and resting her head on his shoulder as they made their way home. Xander usually walked Willow and Buffy back to the dorms on his way home when he could. Didn’t seem like they spent much time together anymore.
“Well, I don’t want to ruin any birthday surprises, but a certain ex-vengeance demon discovered E-Bay a couple of days ago,” Xander explained with a mental eye-roll. “I think the exact phrase was…let me see if I can remember…Oh yeah, ‘Internet exchanges where one can purchase goods and sell them without ever having to leave one’s home; I can be more productive and have my time be more meaningful at home than spending time with you after hours at the Magic Box. I’ll call you next week when I need happy orgasms’ end quote.”
“Ouch,” Buffy whistled. “Turned down for an internet yard sale. And I thought I had it bad because my boyfriend’s on a special assignment and can’t contact me for at least a week.”
“Wow, thanks, Buffy. Do me a favor next time and take off the stilettos before you step on my beating heart,” Xander replied bitterly.
“Awww, poor Xander,” Willow mothered. “You know Anya, she’ll get tired of it in a few days and come running back to you and forget all about stupid old money and goods…and…uh, I’m not helping, am I?”
“Not so much,” he admitted with a sigh.
“It’s just that…wait, what’s funny?” he asked Buffy, who had started quietly giggling.
“What?” she asked. “Oh, nothing, sorry. I was just thinking about what Dr. Kessell said the other day in Commerce class about E-Bay.”
“Oh!” Willow shouted, her head bouncing off Xander’s shoulder and her hands shooting into the air. “About the destruction of the economy and how eventually even politicians will be able to be bribed on it?”
And suddenly both girls were laughing hysterically again and talking in fast and high-pitched voices
Another college-only joke, Xander figured.
They walked the rest of the way with Buffy and Willow babbling about the ‘funniness’ and the ‘dreaminess’ that was Dr. Kessell while Xander played Mental Naked Charades and silently laughed at his own jokes.
A while later, they arrived at the UCSD maze of class buildings and residence halls. The three stopped in front of the girls’ hall.
“Call me tomorrow,” Willow told Xander. “Maybe we can grab some coffee before hitting the books tomorrow night.”
“Okay, Wills,” he replied softly. “Sleep tight.”
“I’ll be by in a bit to collect Deadbeat,” Buffy said. “I need to go change and see if Riley’s called yet.”
“No problemo. I’ll have him wait at the curb for you,” he joked. Well, mostly joked. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll write my address on a piece of paper and pin it to his shirt in case he gets lost.”
“Thank ya muchly, kind sir,” Buffy called, already halfway through the door with Willow.
“Good night to you too,” Xander muttered under his breath, turning back towards home, or rather, what passed for home these days.
*****
It turned out to be a good night for walking alone. The moonless sky looked like someone had blown glitter across a blanket of dark felt. Every star seemed a little brighter, a little bigger tonight. The air was cool, almost cold for this time of year. Only now, a few days into September, the few trees that still knew seasons had already started their annual color-changing extravaganza. Autumn was coming fast this year; Xander hoped that winter wouldn’t follow suit. He didn’t want to face another green winter. Something about seeing green grass and palm trees ablaze in sunshine in the ‘cold winter months’ depressed him. Something about it made life seem…fake, somehow. But for the moment, winter was still a long time away.
For once, it seemed like Sunnydale was a normal town. Aside from the latest creature feature, things had been pretty quiet lately. Xander wasn’t completely sure how he felt about that – without any action, he didn’t even have that connection to his friends anymore. More and more, he had been finding himself wondering why they still talked, why they still pretended that everything was the way it had been. Because it wasn’t the same, not really.
He hated feeling this way, and hated himself for letting him feel it. Regardless of everything, they were still his friends. They were more than friends. They were family – not that he would really know anything about such things. He shuddered, thinking about his ‘real’ family. He’d decided a long time ago that family was a feeling and had nothing to do with who you lived with or who had accidentally given birth to you. But even still, he couldn’t help but feel a little…robbed, somehow. He had crap for parents, hell for a home, vengeance for a girlfriend and death for a roommate.
That was another thing he’d been thinking about a lot, lately. He didn’t know where things with Anya were going. Things there weren’t quite right, either. There was something there that seemed like it was missing. When they kissed, that thing wasn’t there anymore. That thing that at first had made him never want to stop kissing her. He wasn’t sure where it had gone; didn’t know if it would ever come back. When they slept together lately, that’s all it was: two people wanting something from each other. That insatiability wasn’t there anymore. It was still nice, to be with her. It just wasn’t the same. Anya must have felt the same thing; lately they’d been spending more and more time apart. She wanted to discover what being human meant. He sometimes wanted to forget what it meant.
Without really realizing it, he found himself standing in front of his house. Correction: he found himself standing in front of his parents' house. Through the broken mini-blinds in the living room windows, blue light flickered, casting slight shadows around the unkempt lawn. The weeds in the flowerbed seemed to jump and fall and the too-long grass appeared to wave in a nonexistent wind. No other light in the house was on, and Xander decided his father had fallen asleep in front of the TV again.
As though he had X-Ray vision, Xander imagined the scene inside: his father, passed out in the chair with his chin resting on his chest, still dressed in his work clothes with his baseball cap hanging on the chair’s arm. On the table beside him would be six empty crushed cans of cheap beer and a half-empty bottle of even cheaper vodka. On the floor in front of the table would be the remains of Mom’s latest attempts at cooking a real meal. With one hand stuffed in the crotch of his pants and the other resting on the remote, Mr. Harris didn’t need a bed to sleep in anymore.
At the other end of the house, Xander’s mom would be in their bed, curlers half-assed pressed into her almost clean hair and still wearing that hideous pink bathrobe. One slipper on the floor, the other dangling from an outstretched foot. On the nightstand, an ashtray overflowing with cigarettes that had been smoked down to the filter, and a wine glass, empty, which matched the two empty bottles beside it. The green eyes of the alarm clock would cast a hazy light through the ever present smoke, making the room the perfect setting for a nightmare. Sometime in the night, she would wake up and stumble her way into the living room and, cursing under her breath, turn off the television, make a pot of coffee and fall asleep at the kitchen table, waiting for it to brew.
Xander knew these scenes better than any movie, knew the lines they spoke better than any song lyric. He tried not to remember the times before this, when things hadn’t been this bad. Those memories used to comfort him on the nights he couldn’t sleep. But now they were the thoughts keeping him awake.
Xander sighed and dropped his gaze to his feet. Wanting nothing more than to turn and run the other way, he walked slowly, silently, to the back of the house and made his way down the stairs to the basement he’d come to know and hate as home. He took deep, cleansing breath to gather the strength he’d need to deal with Spike and opened the door to find…a vamp-free basement. The chipped and scarred lamp next to the bed was lit, shedding a rusty glow through the cluttered but body-free space. No one was here, unless they were hiding under the bed, which was possible in Sunnydale; Xander just didn’t care to check.
“Looks like Mr. Chip-the-Dip went out all by his lonesome tonight. Whatever will I do with myself? he questioned melodramatically as he pulled his shirt over his head. Slipping one shoe off and then the other, he dropped his pants and shook them off from around his ankles as he fell into bed. For a brief moment before sleep overtook him, he wondered if he would hear Buffy when she came to get Spike.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
Well done!
From:
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Also, the Daria reference? Have I ever told you how much I love you? *grins widely*
~Nebula
From:
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Fave line: She wanted to discover what being human meant. He sometimes wanted to forget what it meant.
And I think the icon is super fabu, babe.
From:
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im really interested to see where all of this will be going :) thanks for posting
From:
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Awww...thank you, love!
*smooches*
From:
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*g* *blush*
Fave line: She wanted to discover what being human meant. He sometimes wanted to forget what it meant.
Thanks, babe. I'm awful proud of it, muself:)
So is it worth the wait and anticipation? *muah*
From:
no subject
Really? I find Xander to be the easiest character to relate to, but then again that's probably why I write him so much. lol
Thanks, hun:)
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From:
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This is really great, you've done brilliantly by showing, rather than telling, and leaving it at a subtle layer of depression that is all the more realistic and dark than omg!, poor-abused!xander, with the nasty friends!
Instead, it's just... real.
You do lose touch with people at college, and it's not deliberate, it's just missing out on the shared experiences. And oooh... again, his home, parents - brilliantly done.
Oh, and yes. The dialogue is excellent as well.
:)
From:
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I'm glad you're liking it:)
From:
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Great first chapter. I could feel the loneliness, depression, and frustration rolling
off Xander.
From:
no subject
Thanks, love - I'm glad you liked it!