![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Well, this was quite possibly the least productive weekend, um, ever?
I got done absolutely none of what I wanted to get done, and certainly nothing that I *needed* to get done. I really should go to counseling to find out why I engage in so much self-destructive behavior. I mean, eegads! Midterms in less than 48 hours and what have I done? NOTHING. Actually I did finish my egg - I'm calling him "Darb". He's a cutie.
I've been having another "worry weekend", i.e. an angst-a-thon. *headslap*. I seriously think I'm the angstiest angst that ever angsted in angstville. Ye Gods. I'm just freaking out because I've got a really tough, stressful couple of weeks (more like 4) coming up and I know I'm going to absolutely insane running from school to work to school to the library to the computer to class back to my computer to work, well, you get the idea. Not that my job's really that difficult or stressful, but it's just one more thing to deal with. And all the school stuff just leads to more freaking out. What if I don't do well on the GRE? What if I can't get into grad school; hell, what if I never graduate? How am I going to pay off these loans? What if I can't find a good job, or any job? What if I just turn out to be a complete and total failure? It runs in my family, you know. And then I'd be just another one that bites the dust.
Not to mention, my 21st birthday is only 3 months and 3 days away. I'm getting old. But I don't have time to freak out about that because I'm too busy freaking out about the apartment. I'm having doubts about moving in with Genevieve (if anyone tells her, I'll kill you like the beeatch you are). I just don't know if our friendship is strong enough to last living a year with each other. She's really close with her parents, who are nice but complete and total control freaks. What if something happens and they have to stay with us for days? Or or, what if me and Genevieve just flip out on each other and it's like WW3? Or what if I can't find a job, or find one and lose it, or I flunk out of school, or something happens at home and I have to move back? Or I just crack under the pressure and QUIT school? What if we stop being friends? I really don't have very many friends, maybe four real friends, and I'm not entirely confidant in those relationships. What if we get robbed or the apartment burns down or there's a freak plane crash and the engine falls off and kills one of us? That last one's just silly, I know, but you never know. How can I be expected to not freak out? I feel like I'm making too big of a deal out of just about everything, but I can't STOP. I seriously lie awake at night going through every single senario. I'm driving myself crazy and I can't stop.
And then this visit to Florida which should be a happy time, because hey - VACATION! But on top of flying alone for the first time in my life - I'm not worried about a terrorist attack or anything silly like that; I'm afraid of doing something or saying something unintentioinally and getting the FBI called on me and hauled off to a prison for BAD people. I mean, I don't know proper plane ettiquette - I've only flown twice in my life. Once when I was 8 and then when I was 12 - both times was with family and/or friends. And then how am I going to deal with being trapped with my sister and mother for four days. And of course, Chris. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm probably leading into *EVERYTHING* he's done since we broke up. But the late night phone calls, the mysterious cards and letters. And now, "coincidentally" my mom picks HIS BIRTHDAY to visit the place where he lives. I don't know if I should tell him I'm coming. I don't want him to feel like he has to spend time with me; he doesn't. And I'm way too scared to see him. But on the other hand I want to see him so bad it hurts. I want to talk to him and spend time with him and tell him everything I've been too afraid to tell anyone since he left. Do I tell him? Is it right? I don't even know if he'd want to see me. I don't know how he feels about me; I don't even know how he felt about me. I don't know if I want to know. I don't know what would hurt worse: that he never shared for me the feelings I shared for him, or that he loves me (still?) and wishes we could be together. Because we can't - and anyway, I don' tknow if I want to still be with him. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel like we shouldn't be together - we each need to live our lives, and I don't think we're supposed to do it together. I really feel like the time we had together was the only time we're supposed to have together. Which is silly because I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything. But again, how do you explain the dates that my mom, someone who doesn't even know Chris exists, chose? How do you explain that a week before she called to tell me we're going I was thinking about going on my own to visit him? Why is it that I can feel all these things and think all these things, but I can't pick up the fucking phone and just call him and talk to him?
Jesus, I think I need some sort of anti-freak out meds. This is really getting just plain disasterous. I'm just starting to feel again that I'm comletely alone and that no one understand. That no one can possibly give two cents about me. I don't exactly have the best track records with friends and lovers and family. I always end up running away or letting go, or choosing to forget the people that did love me at one point. Maybe all my past relationships didn't work because I didn't let them. Maybe I've lost touch and lost relationships with the people I once cared so much about because I'm afraid. I mean, jesus, do you know the last time I spoke to Lisa was almost a year ago? We used to go out once a month. I never call Shelly anymore. I can't remember the last time I saw Jen. I don't talk to Grace anymore. I don't even write my grandmother - she used to be the person I cared about most in the world. All I do is remember how things used to be and then pretend it was never like that.
I've got some serious fucking issues and I need to fucking work through them. How the fuck am I ever supposed to help people if I can't even fucking help myself?
I got done absolutely none of what I wanted to get done, and certainly nothing that I *needed* to get done. I really should go to counseling to find out why I engage in so much self-destructive behavior. I mean, eegads! Midterms in less than 48 hours and what have I done? NOTHING. Actually I did finish my egg - I'm calling him "Darb". He's a cutie.
I've been having another "worry weekend", i.e. an angst-a-thon. *headslap*. I seriously think I'm the angstiest angst that ever angsted in angstville. Ye Gods. I'm just freaking out because I've got a really tough, stressful couple of weeks (more like 4) coming up and I know I'm going to absolutely insane running from school to work to school to the library to the computer to class back to my computer to work, well, you get the idea. Not that my job's really that difficult or stressful, but it's just one more thing to deal with. And all the school stuff just leads to more freaking out. What if I don't do well on the GRE? What if I can't get into grad school; hell, what if I never graduate? How am I going to pay off these loans? What if I can't find a good job, or any job? What if I just turn out to be a complete and total failure? It runs in my family, you know. And then I'd be just another one that bites the dust.
Not to mention, my 21st birthday is only 3 months and 3 days away. I'm getting old. But I don't have time to freak out about that because I'm too busy freaking out about the apartment. I'm having doubts about moving in with Genevieve (if anyone tells her, I'll kill you like the beeatch you are). I just don't know if our friendship is strong enough to last living a year with each other. She's really close with her parents, who are nice but complete and total control freaks. What if something happens and they have to stay with us for days? Or or, what if me and Genevieve just flip out on each other and it's like WW3? Or what if I can't find a job, or find one and lose it, or I flunk out of school, or something happens at home and I have to move back? Or I just crack under the pressure and QUIT school? What if we stop being friends? I really don't have very many friends, maybe four real friends, and I'm not entirely confidant in those relationships. What if we get robbed or the apartment burns down or there's a freak plane crash and the engine falls off and kills one of us? That last one's just silly, I know, but you never know. How can I be expected to not freak out? I feel like I'm making too big of a deal out of just about everything, but I can't STOP. I seriously lie awake at night going through every single senario. I'm driving myself crazy and I can't stop.
And then this visit to Florida which should be a happy time, because hey - VACATION! But on top of flying alone for the first time in my life - I'm not worried about a terrorist attack or anything silly like that; I'm afraid of doing something or saying something unintentioinally and getting the FBI called on me and hauled off to a prison for BAD people. I mean, I don't know proper plane ettiquette - I've only flown twice in my life. Once when I was 8 and then when I was 12 - both times was with family and/or friends. And then how am I going to deal with being trapped with my sister and mother for four days. And of course, Chris. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm probably leading into *EVERYTHING* he's done since we broke up. But the late night phone calls, the mysterious cards and letters. And now, "coincidentally" my mom picks HIS BIRTHDAY to visit the place where he lives. I don't know if I should tell him I'm coming. I don't want him to feel like he has to spend time with me; he doesn't. And I'm way too scared to see him. But on the other hand I want to see him so bad it hurts. I want to talk to him and spend time with him and tell him everything I've been too afraid to tell anyone since he left. Do I tell him? Is it right? I don't even know if he'd want to see me. I don't know how he feels about me; I don't even know how he felt about me. I don't know if I want to know. I don't know what would hurt worse: that he never shared for me the feelings I shared for him, or that he loves me (still?) and wishes we could be together. Because we can't - and anyway, I don' tknow if I want to still be with him. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel like we shouldn't be together - we each need to live our lives, and I don't think we're supposed to do it together. I really feel like the time we had together was the only time we're supposed to have together. Which is silly because I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything. But again, how do you explain the dates that my mom, someone who doesn't even know Chris exists, chose? How do you explain that a week before she called to tell me we're going I was thinking about going on my own to visit him? Why is it that I can feel all these things and think all these things, but I can't pick up the fucking phone and just call him and talk to him?
Jesus, I think I need some sort of anti-freak out meds. This is really getting just plain disasterous. I'm just starting to feel again that I'm comletely alone and that no one understand. That no one can possibly give two cents about me. I don't exactly have the best track records with friends and lovers and family. I always end up running away or letting go, or choosing to forget the people that did love me at one point. Maybe all my past relationships didn't work because I didn't let them. Maybe I've lost touch and lost relationships with the people I once cared so much about because I'm afraid. I mean, jesus, do you know the last time I spoke to Lisa was almost a year ago? We used to go out once a month. I never call Shelly anymore. I can't remember the last time I saw Jen. I don't talk to Grace anymore. I don't even write my grandmother - she used to be the person I cared about most in the world. All I do is remember how things used to be and then pretend it was never like that.
I've got some serious fucking issues and I need to fucking work through them. How the fuck am I ever supposed to help people if I can't even fucking help myself?