What, you couldn't tell by the jeans?

[synapticjava]

Last night's Margaret Cho was hilarious, with a capital H. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Felt really good. She said a lot of very important and very empowering things. I don't think any other comedian has ever made me feel that good *after* a show. She was soooooo funny though. You normally wouldn't think that shit is funny...but it was. lol. Anyway...lots of stuff going on, and I'm in an odd mood tonight. I think everything's just catching up to me again. Ugh. Not busy enough. No no, I know I need to deal with it and get it over with. So last night was really wierd (yes, it relates to what I am talking about). A certain guy, we'll call him REd, showed up and butted into line outside the Cho show with us. Now, I know it's petty and frankly I really don't care, but I cannot stand said REd. He's one of those people who just piss me off. I just do not like to be around him, and he showed up and stood in line and then sat with us. So that right there kinda bugged me, but I tried not to let it get to me. So then we get inside, and I pick out seats, granted they were not the best seats, but it was those or the bleachers, and my knee was acting up so I didn't really want to sit in the bleachers. Everyone bitched about them. So we moved back to the bleachers. They weren't that bad as far as views go, but they were pretty uncomfortable. Anyway, so we're sitting there and REd just will not shut up. He has every right to talk, but the things he was saying to the girl with him were offending *me*. He just doesn't know when to stop. Anyway, so he gets up, and there's a whole changy seat thing and I throw a fit, and Shawna starts to give me that look and I cut her off with "I don't want to deal with it" or something like that. I don't know. So then bloodroses27's coworker or boss or whatever comes in with her husband. He's on crutches, so bloodroses27 volunteers our seats. I threw a fit about that (and I felt bad immediately afterward) and we moved down to even *less* comfortable seats.

...Really, I'm not trying to just bitch here, there's a point, I promise...

So I get into a position that my knee isn't hurting and it's all good now because I'm relatively comfortable and two rows down from REd, so I can barely hear him, which is good. Now for the next 45 minutes we waited for the show to start, I keep watching people. I don't think I've ever seen so many gay couples in one place at the same time. And then my eyes catch this couple sitting down in the fold-out chairs. And it hit me like a knife in the chest (I know, a horrible cliche but soooo true). One of the guys was brushing up against his boyfriend's back really gently while they talked. They just looked so happy and innocent and in love. It hurt really badly. Everything with Chris hit me full force at once, instead of the little by little it's been coming. It was really hard not to start bawling right there in the crowded gym. Luckily, I was saved by Grace wanting to smoke a cigarette, so we went outside and smoked. She asked me what was wrong, but I really did not want to talk about it. So we went back in and sat down. I was still feeling horribly, and all of a sudden I look around, and it seems like everyone is a gay couple. Like seriously, every other couple was gay. It was...odd. And the air in my chest was sucked out. I can't even describe how it felt. But, then the show started and I kind of forgot everything for a little while which was nice. But then it ended and everything came back. Since then I've been extremely irritable and in a very bad mood. I skipped work which is totally unlike myself, snapped on a couple of different people. And then, we'll call her AndU, calls me to ask if I can cover her duty next week because she'll be in training for her new job - the same job that I'm planning on getting this weekend! Now, I've been having issues with her for a while now, but for some reason this just really got to me. It took all I had not to call her back and tell her what I'm really feeling about her right now. But I didn't. I just told her that I couldn't do it. Didn't say why though. heeheehee. So anyway, to make a long story short, I'm all kinds of fucked up emotionally right now. I kinda feel like I'm just going through the motions, only more pissed off at everything. But this is good...I'm dealing...I think. I just feel so drained right now. Like I have nothing left to give. Earlier when I told AndU that I couldn't cover her duty, I started to feel guilty and almost told her I'd do it, but then I decided that it's time for me right now. I need to work on myself instead of constantly worrying about everything and everyone else. I need some Brad time, and I think it's long overdue. I just can't wait for this yucky feeling to be over. Anyway, To everyone at the show last night that I may of snapped at, I'm not sorry I did because I needed to do it, but I *am* sorry if I made you feel bad. Wasn't intentional.

Comments

[wildflowerfever.livejournal.com]

I hope you start feeling better soon... I know how it feels to no longer be with somebody you love and it hurts so bad, but you seem like a strong guy who can look it in the face and deal with it.

Also, I'm sorry if I was part of the annoyance problem last night. (Whipping my scarf at you...ect.) I was just SO excited to be there, and kinda hyper about it.

Thanks

[chocgood84.livejournal.com]

Oh no, you didn't bother me. Last night, if you would have, I would have said something. LOL.

[bloodroses27.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about all that. You should have said your knee was bothering you. We all just wanted to see.

As for "AndU" (so subtle), yeah, she shouldn't have done that.